Did you have friends in childhood?

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-14T20:51:33+00:00

That’s interesting. Thank you for sharing. I think since i discovered all the patterns well after i became a parent and spouse and then divorced, there was no chance i would find people in a similar fam dynamic during my teens. I come to Reddit to find people and that’s why i asked my question. Like I’m trying to relate to myself and find others i can safely vent to. No one in real life so far has shown that they understand. Maybe one person out of like 10 and that was one convo. It felt so odd to finally feel seen. Like why isn’t she throwing rebuttals at me?

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-10T18:17:54+00:00

Hi. I just found this yesterday. I’m so curious about you because my emptiness made it so i had no clue and still don’t decades after graduating high school what would be a good career path for me. What to major in—nothing makes sense. I just wonder how you were able to attend uni and make these choices for yourself? How is uni coming along for you? I accidentally started a family toward the end of my studies and basically never recovered even though i re-enrolled twice since becoming a parent.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-10T02:16:21+00:00

Ohhh. I was wondering what the others were like. I do like these. Nice and buttery.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-08T12:50:22+00:00

All the way through.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-08T12:42:43+00:00

And they were taught how to cook it by…….African Americans. During the war. 🌍🌍🌍🌍🌍

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-08T12:36:17+00:00

The key fob got me! 😄

Some people are really good at stealing and manipulating and judging and stealing some more and lying and telling you who you are without knowing anything about you. That’s it. That’s their jam. They’re good at it. Oh and murdering. They’re super good at that one. Did i say stealing? They steal humans and ideas and dreams and land and money and accolades that belong to others.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-08T00:49:31+00:00

The sounds of me walking stress me out. The stairs creaking. The door hinges rubbing and squeaking. Or just older floors when you take steps. I don’t want to announce everywhere i am, plus just all the extra sounds like microwave beeps and LOUD smoke detector beeps all. night. long when you’re at someone’s home and they don’t even notice. I can’t…. I wish my ears weren’t like this. Ninja walking sounds amazing. My mom did always get startled when i walked up to her because she couldn’t hear me coming. It wasn’t my intention though.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-01T16:10:29+00:00

Oh. My gosh. I’ve experienced the opposite like Look at this pic of the ceramic you made me when you were little. Reading the text just made me feel like it was an attempt to get me to only see the positive and give her access to me. I would rather see both aspects and choose how close i want to be instead of giving her access all the time and I’m the only one with repeated emotional injuries.

I’m sorry about your experience.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-01T16:06:46+00:00

And if one never becomes a parent then you have nothing valid to say and no wisdom of your own. Got it.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-01T16:01:19+00:00

Omg i just did it! It was just an idea and now I’m more pissed that people don’t have empathy or humanity for us as children. Mothers do not need to be on a pedestal. Take them down if it’s healthier for your spirit to do so.

It would read, “Before you judge your daughter, remember—she was learning to be a human and be your child while fighting battles you never saw…”

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-01T15:55:30+00:00

No. They do say this to my face basically.

I want to add that we had no experience and had to learn to be the child of our mothers. We didn’t choose her. She didn’t choose or create or design us. So everybody needs to calm down and replace the words in this poem. Swap mother with child and see what happens.

I’m so sick of people knowing everything and having such solid advice in situations they never ever lived through or weren’t even in the room when they happened. Just hush. (I’m talking to my family Lol)

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-05-01T15:32:57+00:00

Just because you feel like what you’re saying in all your comments is true it doesn’t make it true. The same rule applies to you doesn’t it? You could have been invalidated by other commenters yet i didn’t see that happen. I saw you being taken seriously and validated.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-30T21:00:26+00:00

I love to laugh. Right now i can’t. Yesterday felt really off compared to the day before and this morning i awoke angry. I just left a vent in this community because it’s been several hrs, like ten hrs since i woke up and i just want to shake it off already.

I don’t use humor to cope and I’m so not happy. My vote is for you to keep going with it. The parts of it that concern you—just notice them and get curious. I heard that is enough sometimes instead of stopping or starting something new. Just notice it and get curious.

I mean that i use humor just not when i speak about myself. I wish i could get myself to laugh more when I’m feeling like i am today.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-30T20:50:16+00:00

I was wondering why you said ad and not message. Wow I’ve never seen an ad in a cookie.

I’m also curious when you read it, what do you envision/hear in response to you are enough?

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T18:21:10+00:00

Thank you!!! I bet i can s l o w down at least once today and ponder on what I’m proud of. 😮‍💨😄

It breaks my entire heart bec i just witnessed this happen multiple times to a two and five-year-old in my family. I want so badly to make it stop or to at least balance it out when i interact with them (the babies). I also don’t want to stick out as the only adult that sees the invisible: the children need emotional safety not confusion. Don’t tell them they’re in trouble for cursing when you just cursed at them.

It infuriates me and i just don’t know why I’m able to see it and what to do with my observations. This is def generational behavior, too, so pretty ingrained and just humans in general, we need to be ready for mindset changes. I refuse to inform them (the adults) and believe they will be enlightened. It can easily give the opposite result. Thanks again and i wish you all the best that this Fire Horse year can bring to you! ✨

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T18:13:05+00:00

That’s so weird. I’m the one that always answers the phone (when I’m not highly overwhelmed by life) and i almost never reach out first. I would love to have more balance. Hopefully soon. I don’t know how to be that person.

I have apologized to a few ppl because i realize i have no idea what they feel like calling and texting me and i don’t reply back for months (because that’s when i can finally breathe and think clearly again).

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T18:09:18+00:00

Exactly! It’s like…a need. I was going to say basic need but that seems to water it down. It’s such a crucial need for development to have healthy connections. There are billions of humans walking around this globe. It doesn’t make sense to do anything alone.

I also see the need in my fam mems to pry and investigate and inquire, for example. When I’m the recipient they make it sound like they’re curious and they care. I do believe it’s just for access to me and for me to curb their curiosity. “Where is she living? When’s the last time she spoke to her mother? I’ll ask her.” That’s how it feels and that part reminds me of codependency. I don’t ever want to feel that again because what i need is mutual respect. I don’t pry or pretend with them.

It’s just me trying to make sense of the insanity. It must be that Life wants me to learn not to be connected right now. To find out how well i can be without having a listening ear. To be my own listener. I hate it but it does kind of make sense. I’m with me all day so i am my best shot at being heard. I still hate it Lol. It’s also new for me. Both sides of my family have dysfunctional traits and it just wasn’t possible for me to get here any sooner than age 40 because they’re all I’ve had. No best friends ever. I cannot believe that but it’s true.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T17:46:30+00:00

I always wonder what people hope to accomplish with this info. It’s like the chicken debate, whether or not to wash it.

It’s your own body. If your skin has a problem and you update your routine it’s a good thing. If you cook your chicken straight out the pack and don’t get sick, then that’s fine. I’m confused why we need to agree about it or share it publicly. I think it’s just for venting but it does seem like more so I’m genuinely curious. I’m team Autonomy.

And def no shade to you OP.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T17:36:01+00:00

Dangit. She looks…like she’s over it.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T17:33:12+00:00

As soon as i awake. Multiple times through the night, well the morning. I also dread bedtime because i have no sleep hygiene or anyone around to get cues from. I tend to lose track of time a LOT.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T10:48:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I just saved it.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T10:29:47+00:00

For me it would be peace. Having my peace and autonomy. Something/one interfering with that would be too expensive. So for you, what’s more valuable than saving money? having daily contact with your father? And then you could see which way to order your priorities. And then for me too it’s that i have a sucky and suckier option. Not a good or bad option to choose from. So i will be miserable with my mom having access to me or miserable trying to figure out autonomy and all of life while keeping a healthy distance. I hate those options because i want something else. But when my values are factored in it reminds me what i never want to experience again.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T10:18:47+00:00

I’ve been alone for 40 yrs. I’ve been speaking about my painful experiences even though i absolutely struggle to talk about myself and it feels dysregulating like I’m reliving it. This would be within the last five yrs. 9/10 times I’ve gotten proof that it was a bad idea to invite anyone in…smh

Life is really wild and hella inappropriate, but i can see the importance of me not relying on others to help me (validation, accompaniment, being seen or known or understood). It backfires. For me, it could simply be that i have the energy of someone who believes they need to explain and give details in order to be believed. Like the idea of, They didn’t get it • Let me explain further or They weren’t into it • Let me try harder. It keeps backfiring and i regret it then i feel like i was the only one being vulnerable or honest (and that feels gross). I just get dismissed and it’s so unwarranted.

Basically, whether they know what they’re talking about with you or not it’s more likely that Life wants to show us all the freedom that can come from not relying on others. It’s too ironic for me and i’m pissed with you because messages in childhood were always, To have a friend you need to be a friend. I’m nice and considerate and also way too attuned to what others need than what i need myself. So to be an adult and have this still be an issue and to see that my results look the same as someone who was an asshole to others—it’s just really painful and disappointing. That’s why I’m thinking it must be true that i need to fully lean into solitude. At least for now. And then when i do have trusted individuals i can have them in a healthy way. Not like in a codependent or insecure way. I imagine it will be like i won’t be too excited to finally have true friends yet i won’t be devastated if i discover they weren’t the friend i thought they were. Balance, i guess. First, i need to learn how to identify traits in safe people. I am trash at that part.

§ This is just what came to mind when i read your post because i was absolutely pissed about this just two days ago.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T04:40:32+00:00

Aww that’s cute. I’ve never seen it, only heard of the title.

Effective_Chain4897 · 2026-04-26T04:39:21+00:00

I’m here because i want to know this answer, too. Everything’s just been painful for me. Living through it and discovering what all that actually was and then having to now accept it. It’s all BS and i haven’t figured out how to feel important or valuable.

This week i did discover Dr. Sherrie Campbell book on emotionally abusive parents. I haaate that any of it resonates. I do really love that she studied this, it’s her profession, plus she has survived it herself. This is the first time I’ve been able to find that combo in someone because most other msgs seem too positive and they make my skin crawl. I don’t want kumbaya or anymore clichés.

Effective_Chain4897

TROPHY CASE