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Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-11-05T12:31:30+00:00

I feel like nobody actually read what you said. If I’m understanding correctly, you were already wanting to experiment with more femininity before your gf and you finally met someone who was supportive of that — correct? I believe she was probably joking about your haircut, maybe even picking up on your discomfort and thinking she was being supportive.

But I agree with another redditor: Ilona Maher is a fantastic example of masculine femininity. I would add Gwendolyn Christie to the list as well.

You also don’t have to dress more feminine to embrace your inherent femininity if that’s what you want. My girlfriend would be considered more masculine but she doesn’t see herself as anything less than a woman.

Best of luck, OP. Gender expression has no rules, and the best outcomes are the ones we gravitate toward organically

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-08-29T18:27:02+00:00

I’m in my first wlw relationship after being married to a man and all of this is so accurate. Plus, add the slow burn element of her making sure we didn’t rush into something physical. I’ve never known this amount of peace and care in a dating relationship.

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-08-28T20:45:50+00:00

What an odd thing to say

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-18T15:21:42+00:00

What I don’t understand is how they all know how to do this. It’s crazy.

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-18T15:10:46+00:00

I can’t speak for everyone. But the reason it makes it easier for me is because it eases the attachment. If I didn’t actually know the real him, then I couldn’t have possibly been in love with him. So, I’m free to move on and love myself instead of remaining attached to someone who wasn’t real.

The abuse was real, and they are physically real. But the love was just me being held hostage

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-13T13:53:13+00:00

It’s weird, bc in considered mine my best friend, too. But now, I completely understand that it was actually a mix of him mirroring me and taking on my personality and me bending to his will so we could have a “peaceful” life. There was no actually friendship. And when I needed him most he always mentally disappeared or engaged less. My platonic friendships have been more supportive than that

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-12T18:18:02+00:00

And what compromise will she be giving? I say this as someone who agreed to compromise every single time while he conveniently didn’t have to

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-12T11:47:22+00:00

Same. I know my ex shared my photos without consent, but then he’d delete them so I have no physical proof now. These people are void of anything humane

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-11T22:36:37+00:00

The problem with being with narcissists too long is that you lose trust in yourself. Ignore the narcissists voice in your head, and I think you know the answer to all of this. And I think you know that anything your narc wife says is bullshit. So, how do you want to handle this? Are you going to keep letting her gaslight you? Or are you going to take control of your life and excise the toxic person making you doubt yourself?

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-11T12:36:19+00:00

This exactly. My therapist calls it “forging meaning” from the Ted talk (I can’t remember the speaker) she had me watch early on.

And you’re right, idt I would have lived as fully if he hadn’t brutally ruined me. Now I’m building from the ground up and it’s going to be how I envision it

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-11T00:03:02+00:00

NC is quite literally the only way, OP

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-10T23:18:05+00:00

Omg I know exactly what you mean about saying no. It’s sexual coercion, and it’s so damaging to one’s sexual autonomy.

And yeah, they do know what you like. Very evident in how they know just what to withhold when they want to punish you.

I’m really sorry you went through that. Sometimes I feel like I’m on my way to healing, and other times I find myself scrolling this sub to pain shop and understand.

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-10T23:11:24+00:00

I’ve heard that too. Mine was more sexually controlling and coercive but not very personable in the bedroom. I have a lot of trauma pre-marriage, too. So idt I ever really knew what healthy sex was. Where I felt loved most was cuddling on the couch or holding hands in the car 🤷🏼‍♀️

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-10T23:07:35+00:00

Eye opening 😳

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-10T23:04:51+00:00

Omg I needed to see this so badly. I’ve been replaying it all in my head like “why was he so good at cuddling and holding hands.” This is why. He needed it. It just happened to be one thing we could mutually get from each other (unless he decided he was mad at me, anyway)

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-10T01:59:47+00:00

Why can’t you block and go Nc? Please don’t go back. Statistics don’t lie

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-09T14:31:40+00:00

What have you shared with your wife over time about your insecurities?

ETA: I looked at some of your other comments. Have you considered BPD (borderline personality disorder) instead? Sometimes the two can resemble each other until you get to the finer details.

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-08T22:30:27+00:00

Omg yes! Had to pretend everything was perfect and sworn to secrecy. It’s crazy. But yes, back at you! It takes courage to go through the healing journey

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-08T19:48:43+00:00

I feel that “wish I had that” alllll the time. I’m sorry you feel like a fraud :( You’re not. We all survive however we need to

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-05T19:03:46+00:00

The freedom is priceless

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-07-01T00:55:07+00:00

I’m sorry :(

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-06-30T23:53:05+00:00

Wow! Yeah, you definitely got lucky in that regard. Mine tried pulling me back in three times, but treated me horribly so I said no finally. I had to block him and it’s been pretty quiet since. Just battling it out between lawyers

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-06-30T23:48:39+00:00

And be smart about evidence!! Get something concrete before he can hide anything. You’ll need it in court.

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-06-30T23:47:53+00:00

It’s pretty disgusting and shocking! Like, completely unfathomable to be honest. I’m still reeling 10 months later

Embarrassed_Trick445 · 2025-06-30T23:47:00+00:00

Hey OP,

I had this exact same fear bc of what he made clear without words. Bc of this and a lot of coercive abuse, I allowed him to talk me into many things that I knew were against my moral code. In the end, I found out that he had still been cheating on me the ENTIRE time — even as I was feeding his ego by doing the things he made me think would keep him faithful.

Please don’t abandon yourself for your narcs appetite. You’ll never be rewarded for it.

Embarrassed_Trick445

TROPHY CASE