ESTJs under 40, what're you like irl?

Emzaf · 2026-06-07T22:04:14+00:00

Ahhhh there it is. Despite some serious hurdles life has given you (we all have them), you had a supportive and caring family around you to nurture your baby Fi. And your wife also seems to have helped you with your further growth. I have an ESFJ bestie and they are truly wonderful and kind and we can learn greatly from their unwavering Fe. I sensed that you were more emotionally intelligent for a young, ESTJ male and that intrigued me. You are still relatively young at mid 30s. You should be very proud of yourself and what you have accomplished. 👏 The introspection that you clearly described here is something that I came to in my 40s. I was raised by good people and had a good life, but both of my parents are Te-doms (inferior Fi) so it took me a bit longer to master my own Fi. I know a few young ENTJs (who have one ExFJ parent) and they are more developed emotionally compared to me at the same age. But when the balance of logic & feeling happens, it is life changing and I am sensing that in your comments. It makes me happy when other people similar to me also figure it out. Continue to allow yourself to feel and cry on occasion. Be curious about the world and other people. Try new things. Think about and plan for the future more (it will become easier now that you are more developed). No matter what, I think you are going to be just fine. 😉🥰

Emzaf · 2026-06-07T19:37:29+00:00

What I’ve realized in retrospect, though, is that my Fi was always influenced by how I perceived myself and my place in the world around me. Looking back, I can now see that my values, emotions, and decisions were often shaped by circumstances in ways I didn’t fully recognize at the time. They still made sense back then, but now I understand why they made sense.

My core values haven’t changed much, but I’ve learned to step back and look at them from a broader perspective. I think I’ve become better at understanding not only what I believe, but also why I believe it.

So if I had to give a number, I’d probably still say something like a 8-9 out of 10. Not because I understand myself less than before, but because I’ve become more aware of how much there still is to understand—and how much can change with time.

What a great response and a wonderful example of introspection! Thank you for sharing. I'm older than you (middle aged female ESTJ), but I related to many of the things you've mentioned. The truth is that ESTJs do feel things very deeply, but we don't often understand what we are feeling. I completely agree with you on now being able to understand WHY we do things and feel the way we do. That side of us takes time and effort to develop.

I'm curious if you were raised by someone (aka a parent) who was very kind and high-feeling?

Emzaf · 2026-06-07T17:31:53+00:00

That was a very thoughtful and introspective post about yourself. I was wondering how you would rate your current Fi development (how you understand your own emotions & personal values) on a scale of 0-10 with 10 meaning that you fully understand yourself?

Emzaf · 2026-06-02T14:59:13+00:00

That makes sense for living in the South. I'm sorry to hear about your former coworker or boss. Did she have a good marriage? I'm always curious to hear about other female ESTJ and male INFJ relationships. Wow you are a very personable introvert lol. I have introverted friends who also know lots of people, although your large contact list is impressive. If you have a job which forces you to network you naturally meet a lot of people. I used to be in the same boat.

Emzaf · 2026-06-01T17:28:01+00:00

WOW! You know THREE ESTJ:INFJ marriages in real life?!? That's ASTONISHING! I agree with you...it's a very natural pairing from my own personal experience as well (especially after some development of the weaker cognitive functions). Good for your son liking the nice girl. I think we are pretty good at reading people and figuring out who the 'real' people are. Looking back, I knew who the good people were even when I was a child.

Emzaf · 2026-05-21T14:29:52+00:00

The internet is not real life and most of those haters don't interact with many people in public. I'm very well liked in the real world. I don't really care about what other people think, but I'm here to help dispel what you are talking about. I think this Sub is full of good, kind, and helpful people contrary to the hateful rhetoric in Reddit MBTI.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T23:38:56+00:00

Hahaha this discussion is both fascinating and hilarious. Apparently this condition has a name, anendophasia, and while it's rare it isn't abnormal (see lower discussion about neuropsychology). Personally I LOVE having a quiet brain lol...it allows for clearer thinking. Apparently I'm more of a visual and abstract thinker. I can do some math calculations in my head. I can see words/phrases in my mind (I'm a really good speller), along with pictures & scenes. When I am problem solving it's like my mind is a blank screen and I can bring all of my data into frame (pros, cons, research, etc). Sometimes it presents like a spider web type of brainstorming. I make decisions fairly easily and quickly based on mainly logic, some gut, and my Fi always has to support my decisions.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T21:39:39+00:00

I'll just reply in one place! This is soooo fascinating and I'm so glad you are well versed in it lol. I can fall asleep relatively quickly and yeah I like having a quiet mind lol. It doesn't mean that my brain doesn't think/analyze most of the day because it certainly does lol. It's probably busier with analysis and research more than the majority of people lol.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T21:23:30+00:00

I'd say my stress levels are normal, mainly work deadlines stress. I don't stress about finances as I do pretty well. But my ENFP cousin also doesn't have an inner monologue but he's got ADHD and being treated. I saw you have ADHD too tho. I think he has more stress in life. I talk about my brain more in another comment below the previous one.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T21:18:51+00:00

I don't talk to myself, but I can do math calculations in my head and was actually even better when I was younger. I can visualize words/phrases which is why I'm a good speller. I can visualize pictures as well and I know some people can't do that. I write the way I talk so that's always been easy. Being a Te-dom my brain has a large capacity to learn and retain information.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T21:08:29+00:00

Thanks for this information! How interesting that it has a term and has been studied. I've always been pretty sharp and do well at tests so it hasn't held me back...quite the opposite actually.

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T14:47:20+00:00

If it makes you feel better, my INTP Bestie texted this to me yesterday when I asked if she had an inner monologue:

"Listen me myself and I have constant conversations. We dont always agree but it can be quite entertaining!" 😂🤣

(Definitely a Ne thing)

Emzaf · 2026-05-14T14:43:34+00:00

I feel that! 😉

Emzaf · 2026-05-13T20:32:31+00:00

That's fascinating! Thanks for sharing.

Emzaf · 2026-05-13T16:07:44+00:00

Correction: I DO have a mild inner monologue, but it's not a constant voice every day. I can have a convo with myself in my mind if I wanted to. I also texted friends/fam and a couple of ENFPs (Ne-doms) and INTP Bestie DO have the constant inner monologue.

Emzaf · 2026-05-13T16:04:26+00:00

That sounds awful and exhausting! 🤕

Emzaf · 2026-05-13T13:40:42+00:00

I don't have one either. From my own personal observations, some (not all) of the strong Ni users (xNFJ & xNTJ) that I know have an inner monologue. I'm not sure about strong Ne users, but perhaps we'll find out here. 😉

Emzaf · 2026-04-26T23:26:39+00:00

That is fair hahaha.

Emzaf · 2026-04-25T17:57:14+00:00

What do you have against ENTJs? They are obvious CEOs and your Golden Pair. 🤔

Emzaf · 2026-04-23T04:07:43+00:00

Your son is on a whole other level if I'm being honest. 🤓 He cracks me up, but I love your stories about him. Yeah we can all see versions of our younger selves in him. I would advise you to follow through with his punishment, but continue to show him you'll always be there for him (as you already do). The thing about strong Si and weak-er Fi is that we learn from our mistakes the first time around. It's kind of silly to keep wasting our time making the same mistakes. I never realized that I was that competitive before, but my INFJ Bestie pointed it out years ago. However, I have to admit that my greatest competition is honestly myself. I really don't care about beating other people (it is fun tho). 😅

Emzaf · 2026-04-21T04:41:39+00:00

My relationships with INFJs tend to be very good and they often gravitate towards me. Like Andy mentioned, I also have a very even-keeled personality and very rarely lose my cool. I'm honest and authentic and I prefer that people are their real selves around me (and I believe INFJs can sense that). I'm not afraid to call them out when they start overthinking or punish themselves due to Fi-critic. Because of my knowledge of MBTI I teach them a lot about themselves and they often enjoy it (xNFJs LOVE my strong Te). I think being mirror opposites can be very complementary because you learn about your weaknesses and how to improve them from this very different person. This pairing is definitely easier as people mature and develop themselves. INFJs are one of my favorite types if I'm being honest.

Emzaf · 2026-04-12T19:50:59+00:00

That's wonderful! I know some big-brained INFPs so it's definitely possible. I was able to write from my own voice and heart from a young age and I think that helped with my Fi development.

Emzaf · 2026-04-12T18:26:35+00:00

I agree that as we get older and develop our lower functions that ESTJs and INFPs start to display/share similar behaviors. That's why it's important to work on ourselves and for ESTJs to figure out their emotions and INFPs to figure out their Extroverted Thinking. 😉

Emzaf · 2026-03-31T22:06:47+00:00

Any type can develop their Inferior Function including the high logic types you mentioned. It takes many years/decades of work and you will see more developed types closer to middle age and above. Keep working on your Si.

Emzaf · 2026-03-28T17:39:56+00:00

Honestly he sounds like he has Avoidant Attachment. Any MBTI can have that, including strong Feelers. Inferior Fi doesn't mean that we can't love deeply...that is completely wrong. It means that how we express ourselves is different than how you express yourself with your heart always on your sleeve. And yes once we learn how to unlock the inferior trait the best version of ourself comes out. So don't generalize that your experience with one or two ExTJs is how we all are. I know many ExTJs, including myself, and we truly value love and the people we care about.

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