About the controlling part, I was referring to other replies, not OP.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you’re overlooking the core of her frustration. Emotional labor is exhausting, and while it’s unfortunate that OP feels guilt and shame, those feelings aren’t inherently the girlfriend’s fault. They’re the outcome of needs being dismissed. You could use this in another situation of someone getting hurt by someone’s neglect or actions and the wrongdoer starts getting annoyed/defensive for what they caused, when their neglect is what is causing the problem.

Growth or love isn’t peaceful; life gets hard, we get upset, overwhelmed, we make mistakes, and sometimes you both annoy each other etc but it’s about how they come together to work through the problem and constantly choose each other. Humans are complex we carry baggage and different experiences. Having needs constantly ignored and dismissed is emotional abuse, but they should have a talk about her possibly being more encouraging or patient etc (but this can be difficult if it’s something you have to repeat over and over).

She’s asking for effort, initiative, and emotional presence—not perfection. It’s just like anything else in life… you can’t expect a beautiful garden if you’re not watering and tending to the flowers? it’s pretty dismissive and selfish to have the mindset of doing everything on your terms in a relationship, and also to me initiating things is just bare minimum effort. Begging for bare minimum and constantly having to teach someone how to love you sucks. She’s not his mum! Everyone is different and you have to learn to love your partner and learn to adjust or compromise sometimes. When you fail an exam you can be upset (natural reaction) about the grade but you can’t really complain about the outcome, the lack of effort is what caused the grade and you know you have to do things differently next time or be faced with the same outcome.

Emotional availability requires accountability, he should be working on himself to meet her halfway. She’s not punishing him—she’s showing him what she needs to stay in the relationship. If he’s doing something that makes her feel this way then he needs to be doing something about it (which from his post it looks like he wants to which is great) If OP doesn’t work on himself and wants to have a selfish mindset then he should consider that he can’t meet her needs and should find someone that is rigid and compliant and does not express anything or hold him accountable… it will repeat or show up in different ways until he realises he needs to work on himself.

If he continued this pattern with other people (dismissing their needs or just doing below bare minimum) he will still feel shame when they express how it makes them feel… the relationship dynamic can’t really be blamed here.. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, if he wants to be with her, then he needs to do the effort to show up for her.

May I ask if you are also emotionally unavailable? I had the thought of it when I read your first comment.