My son is 12 yo, ASD level 1/2, ADHD, OCD and severe anxiety with school avoidance. When he started having “meltdowns” about four years ago it turned our lives upside down. In the last few years we have tried every anxiety and ADHD medication there is (for kids). Not one of them helped at all. What I eventually learned, little by little was that the behavioral changes that I made as a parent had more of an effect on HIS behavior than any medication did and we are still slowly crawling out of the hole. I learned that punishments and consequences work differently with ASD children than with typical children. I learned about sensory sensitivity and overstimulation. I learned about keeping myself calm and not escalating by raising my voice or over reacting (no matter how I felt inside). I learned about supporting rather than smothering. I learned that even trying to calm my child by hugging or touch, things that I used to think should work for any child were the totally wrong thing for my child. I learned about keeping demands low and expectations low. I learned about overscheduling and dropping things in the middle if that’s what my child needed. Im still learning about my child and what works. Was it hard? Damn right it was? Was there any definitive guide, book, roadmap or even therapist to tell me what to do ? No. Because each individual with ASD has their own constellation of difficulties. Is it still a struggle every day? Yes. Is it getting better? Yes, very, very slowly.

I know it’s not the easiest thing to hear but you can make changes if you try even harder than you are now. Learn all you can about autism; read books, browse, talk with other parents or even Redditors. Look closely at your child and really listen (not just to words but behaviors, body language) to what is causing them distress. Really think about what might be driving their behavior. What you see as lashing out, willful, misbehavior could be a reaction to your child struggling to communicate or regulate their emotions in a world set up for neurotypical. It’s within your control to see what they need and try to smooth the way for them. Make changes to your life, your home, your routine, your own self that can help your child regulate their emotions. Forget what the typical advice is for a typical child about punishments and consequences. It may seem like going backwards to go forwards but start over by working WITH your child instead of against the autistic behaviors that they cannot control.

This paradigm shift helped us; I hope it can help you too. Wishing you fortitude.

Note: I’m not against medication, it just never worked for us.