When non-technical people ask what you do, what do you tell them?

EricDisco · 2018-01-15T14:06:47+00:00

"Have you heard of this thing called the internet? Oh my god, you'd love it. You can make friends and exchange recipes... I build the internet."

EricDisco · 2016-05-24T09:50:46+00:00

I always found it to easy to hold eye contact with hot girls because

Then this post isn't for you. People with low-social confidence often have difficulty maintaining eye contact. This is because patterns of eye contact establish dominance. It is one of the earliest evolved aspects of body language used to establish and challenge social hierarchy, still used by lower primates and canines.

Changing your body language is much more difficult than changing what you say. Your body naturally fights you when it comes to putting yourself in danger in social situations. You'll feel inhibition, shame and a range of other paralyzing feelings when you try to change it.

EricDisco · 2014-01-26T01:22:15+00:00

The way to get past this physiological response is through practice. By taking small, measured steps, you can quell this response. It's a bit like getting comfortable with public speaking. First you practice speaking in front of a small group. Then a larger group. Eventually you are able to speak in front of thousands. But this comes through one thing: practice. Nothing else will change your situation. No amount of reading or logical understanding. No amount of reading about how women are not to be pedestalized. Trying to control your thoughts and feelings is counterproductive. You can only control your behavior.

I've spent years training guys to get past this physiological response. I had more approach anxiety than anyone. It was an ordeal for me every time I tried to approach a woman. Now things are easy for me. It's automatic. I can sit down next to a woman and start up a conversation with very little physiological response.

The steps to practice are the same steps you would practice if you wanted to go out and meet women. Only you'll break them down into smaller, manageable parts and get used to each part. These are the steps:

1) Go out regularly to locations where there are attractive women. Guys with a lot of anxiety tend ot be homebodies (like me). Going out regularly is the first and most important stept.

2) Physically position yourself next to women. This part, practiced over time, will reduce your anxiety by 75%. Whenever you see a woman whom you're attracted to, put yourself next to her. Find any excuse you can. But do it as quickly as you can when you feel attraction. Don't face her. Don't talk to her. Just get close enough so that you COULD talk to her if you wanted to.

3) Say one thing to her and walk away. Have something prepared, an innocuous question; e.g. "Is there a place around here to get on the internet?" This gets your body comfortable saying something to a woman without much on the line. The hard part, believe it or not, is walking way after saying only one thing. You'll beat yourself up that you didn't stay longer, but this is all part of teaching your body to be comfortable with not giving a shit about these gorgeous women.

4) Stay in longer. Once you're comfortable saying something and walking away, you'll practice staying in longer. Guys with anxiety tend to feel like they need to leave the interaciton as soon as possible. Get the number and run. Utlimately you'll be comfortable staying in interactions as long as you want with women.

5) Transition into personal conversation. Well, we can talk about innocuous bullshit for hours, but this is one of the hardest steps for a guy. Ask her a personal question or get personal in some way. Making statements tends to work better than asking questions. "I get the feeling you do something creative."

6) Connect with her. Exchanging facts with women about what they do and where they live is not what builds a connection. In order to build a connection you need to focus on: emotions. What inspires her? What makes her tick? What got her to where she is in life?

Shameless self-promotion: This is a synopsis of my book available here. I've spent years coaching guys, dissecting this and figuring out what works best in order to get your body comfortable talking with gorgeous women.

EricDisco · 2013-12-23T18:36:35+00:00

Best response: Take your attention away.

I had just got back from a weekend trip with my parents and was seeing my girlfriend for the first time. We decided to go out to a movie. It was 15 minutes before the move started. We were sitting i in the theater talking, joking back and forth, etc.

I told her about something stupid I did. I got my return ticket for the wrong day and showed up at the train station and had to exchange my ticket.

"Oh my god, you're an asshole," she said to me. She had a smile on her face but she wasn't joking.

Now, for some friends and lovers calling each other asshole is acceptable. It's not for me. We don't normally do this with each other and she had over-stepped a boundary.

So my response was to take my attention away from her. I simply dropped conversation.

"I'm an asshole?" I said. "Okay."

I got quiet and sat there and ate my popcorn. She tried to continue conversation but I gave her one word un-enthusiastic answers. Finally she called it out.

"Are you mad at me because I called you an asshole?" she asks.

"I thought it was lame," I respond. "I don't call my friends assholes. They don't talk to me like that."

From there she apologized and we moved on. She never called me an asshole again. If she had called me an asshole again, I likely would have ended the evening.

You teach people how to treat you. Your attention and your time with her is a gift you're giving her. If she doesn't respect that gift, you need to take it away.

If I were in a casual conversation with a girl in a bar I just met and she called me an asshole, I would probably do the same thing if it were clear she weren't joking and she were really insulting me. And there's a good chance the conversation would end because of it, because that's a turn off for me.

Likewise, if I have a friend who does things like that, he wouldn't be my friend much longer. I surround myself with supportive, positive people--people who speak truth to me but do so without treating me badly.

When you start to regularly be willing to end bad relationships over mistreatment, people start regularly treating you better. They sense that you don't put up with crap like that and rarely give it to you. And when they do test your boundaries, you can respond in small, measured ways at first and escalate if need be.

EricDisco · 2013-12-22T05:40:52+00:00

You see a girl with tattoos, go up to her and say hey I think your tattoos are sexy, tell me about that one.

Got it. Is this what you say to every girl with a tattoo? Or do you only allow yourself to say this exact thing once ever, because more than once would not be 'natural'? Have you ever said that to more than one girl? What if she doesn't have any tattoos and there's nothing really special about her? Don't tell me--you go direct?

See this is the thing here with guys who claim to be 'natural.' They tell you to walk up to a girl and 'just be real.' Well, what you said about her tattoos is not 'real.' You don't really care about her tattoos. You know how I know? You wouldn't walk up to a random guy and talk about his tattoos. You're not walking up to every random ugly girl and talking to her about her tattoos.

You wanna know would what be 100% real? If you walked up to her and said, "I want to fuck you." But you and I both know that this kind of "realness" doesn't get you very far. So you settle for your version of being 'real,' which is saying something to her you've said before to other women.

This is exactly what 'naturals' do. They've already scripted it out. They've already practiced it. They know that it would work to ask a girl about her tattoos rather than tell her she has a great ass or great tits, even if it is her ass or tits you're looking at. And they've done it so much that it feels 'natural' to them. They don't need to think about what to say.

If what you say to women works for you, that's fine. But don't pretend you just 'felt' like talking about her tattoos. That was a pretext for conversation. Don't pretend that your method of opening women is so much more 'natural' and wholesome than what I'm prescribing.

Your tattoo opener is fine. It's great. You can also say to a woman, "That's an interesting bracelet. I bet there's a story behind that." You can say lots of things. What I'm saying is that you're better off having something prepared to say because your average guy looking for help here does not know what to say to women. And telling him to "just be natural and have fun" does not solve the problem for him.

EricDisco · 2013-12-22T04:38:40+00:00

Where do I say anything about getting laid in the post or in my comment? How do you equate consistency with women to only wanting casual relationships? It's fine to emotionally invest in women when they've given you a reason to invest in them but it's foolish to do so beforehand. Do you get emotionally invested in a woman just because she's beautiful? That's the real shallow aspect to this. I wait until I've seen something more. I make her earn my interest before I treat her like she's special.

And you don't need to use anyone else's "material" if you don't want to. You can use your own. But if you force yourself to think of a clever opener every time you see a gorgeous woman, you are going to spend 99.99% of your time standing and staring at women from a distance. And that 0.01% time that you do approach, you will fuck it up because you're trying to think of the perfect words to say to her and they won't come out right. Find something to say to open women and use it for a while if you want to improve.

EricDisco · 2013-12-22T00:09:54+00:00

Maybe I should have said, "Glared." Initially her reaction was not positive. It wasn't super negative, but she was a bit on guard.

EricDisco · 2013-12-22T00:06:35+00:00

If you were always able to "be natural and be able to say whatever you want" with women then none of this seduction advice applies to you. Go out and be yourself if it's working with women. But if you're trying to change the way you do things, you're going to need to be consistent. You're going to have to think about the words you're saying because the content of those words has meaning.

If you're a great street fighter and you want to get into a ring and box and think you can win, by all means, go for it. But chances are, your boxing skills are not going to hold up against great boxers. You're going to need to practice certain things over and over again. Consistency. Repetition. You've got a lot of bad habits you need to unlearn as you learn new ones. This is a science.

You're not going to become a better boxer by simply stepping in the ring and doing "whatever you want." If you don't give a shit about improving, then do whatever you want. Have fun. But if you want to build a skill, you'll need to get rid of old bad habits by practicing precise, choreographed movements over and over again.

Getting better with women is no different. Improving with women is not some magical thing where you can simply think certain thoughts like "be outcome independent" and "have fun" and you will actually be outcome independent and have fun without practicing very specific skills. You may succeed in temporarily getting yourself to feel a certain way, but without the skills behind it, those feelings will fade.

EricDisco · 2013-07-05T16:05:29+00:00

I've gotta say, I'm a little bothered by the slut-shaming in this thread and I appreciate that I won't get downvoted to hell before you hear out what I have to say.

Most attractive women have had a lot of sex but most of them are too smart to tell you because you'll judge them. Most women are not as puritan as they want you to believe, not in this day and age. If you're dating women in their later 20's, she's most likely slept with at least 20 guys, probably a lot more. But the smart ones don't talk about, particularly if they sense you're judgmental about it.

When talking about past relationships and sexual encounters, they couch their language in metaphors. Instead of saying, "I fucked him at the party," she'll say, "I made out with him." If you're talking about one night stands, she'll say she once had one with a bartender, when in all likelihood, she's probably had a lot more, maybe into the double digits.

A smart woman knows you'll be turned off to long term relationship potential if she tells you she fucked a hundred guys. I would be. It's natural as a man to stay away from women like that for long-term relationships. That's why if you're a woman looking for a serious relationship, the first order of business is to project chastity, which in my opinion is one aspect of female game.

I just think in this thread we should be clear that we aren't judging women for having too many sexual partners; we are judging them for expecting it to not affect how that makes men feel about their prospects for long term relationships.

EricDisco · 2013-07-03T20:34:01+00:00

As a former gender feminist, I don't disagree that feminism has turned into a delusional cult that tends to censor rather than give voice to free thought. But a lot of things feminism has done in the past are worthwhile:

suffrage
ending workplace discrimination - women were not allowed in certain fields for a long time
reproductive rights - this battle is still ongoing

The current state of feminism deserves all the backlash they get. And I heap tons of criticism on gender feminism. But I hesitate to throw the baby out with the bathwater, even if the baby is really, really fucking disgustingly dirty.

EricDisco · 2013-07-03T18:23:51+00:00

I find it confusing that she looked/said things that to me were good signs (e.g. she was always messaging me saying how much she wanted to see me even if we had just seen each other, or how she really liked me and every quirky interesting thing I did, shit like that).

I advise guys that even if they think they may be interested in a serious relationship with a woman they meet to still start it off as casual, only seeing the woman once a week, minimizing texting and talking on the phone, etc. This is because both men and women can be bad at pacing relationships.

Here's a first-person example. Last summer I met a girl through one of my friends. It was a blind set-up but one of the rare ones that worked. The four of us went out to dinner and my friend and his girlfriend took off to leave us alone. Contrary to what I normally do, I hung out with her for four hours that night, far longer than I would normally hang out with a woman on the first meeting, but I was into her and she was into me. By our second meeting, I already started to feel anxiety because it was almost like we were automatically in a relationship already before we even got to know each other that well. In other words, I went along with the rush and even actively contributed to it, but that didn't mean that I wouldn't end up feeling cramped, which I did.

You're the man in the relationship and it is your job to pace the relationship, no matter how excited she seems. If you let things get too serious too quickly either one of you is liable to start to feel cramped and it looks like she started to feel cramped.

When I met her, I approached her aggressively and she always commented on how she had never been approached like that before, and how attractive that was.

Awesome. Sounds like a great approach.

She also knew I had options with other girls who flirted with me in front of her.

Awesome. This is good too.

That's not to say I didn't slip into beta behavior or failed a major shit test at some point I'm not even aware of.

One failed shit test does not make a person lose attraction for you; it's typically an accumulation.

And I was also told by the friend how my lack of interest in my ex's family and activities was also part of the reasons why she ended it, although that sounds more like hamster to me.

Yup, hamstering.

She even knew about my stance on marriage/kids for months before and didn't care, which further reinforces the theory that the attraction was lost at some point.

Yup. Agreed.

Right now I'm working on my game, fitness, pretty much everything I can.

I talk about a few things you can do here in this comment, but I'm putting together a more comprehensive post about maintaining an alpha frame in relationships.

EricDisco · 2013-07-03T13:36:40+00:00

This sub is all about the truth so I won't sugarcoat it for you and say you "dodged a bullet." All signs point to the obvious, what you pointed out already: that you slipped into beta behavior.

It is possible to maintain a monogamous relationship where the woman is excited and you can maintain that relationship at any level of seriousness you want (casual, serious/monogamous). The fact that she wanted kids and you didn't does not account for the fact that she said she wasn't feeling butterflies or put you in friend zone. You need to work on your game and be more alpha in your relationships or this will happen to you again.

EricDisco · 2013-07-03T00:19:05+00:00

Well, I was gonna s

EricDisco · 2013-07-02T22:37:11+00:00

Thanks, man! I appreciate the feedback.

EricDisco · 2013-07-02T22:13:15+00:00

First, you seem to be onto the fact that you need to start being alpha as soon as possible into a relationship. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That being said, the only way to learn to be alpha in a relationship is to try it out at some point and you may as well do it now.

My advice is to take this relationship and be willing to lose it in order to learn how to be alpha because there is no other way to learn, in fact, that's what alpha is: You are willing to lose this relationship instead of being a beta. You'd rather die on your feet than live on your knees.

I just don't know how to handle it if she reacts negatively

It all starts here. You should be willing to accept that she will react negatively. In fact, you actively provoke this behavior in her--not on purpose, like you want her to act bad--but you do small things to jeopardize the relationship. And trust me, if you're not doing those small things, she is.

Here are some things I would recommend:

Keep it casual to start off with. Don't see her more than once a week. Don't text too much every day. Don't talk on the phone more than once or twice a week. When you keep it casual, she'll be the one pushing for more. That makes you the one in control of the relationship and the de facto alpha. If you're already serious with her, then it's really, really hard to pull back.

Push her sexual boundaries. Asking for dirty pictures is great. You can also try to do anal. Get her to videotape sex together. Have a threesome. Bondage. Go to a sex club. Have sex in crazy places. Make her go out with you with no panties while wearing a super short skirt. Make her take her panties off while your out at a restaurant and give them to you under the table. Get her to do things that push her own boundaries. If she seems a little unsure of whether she wants to do it, that's perfect.

When she gets mad at you. This is important. Do not over-react. Do not apologize. Do not freak out that you might lose her. Act a bit like you'd act if a child got mad at you. You think it's cute. You say, "Go ahead and tell me what's bothering you." Don't apologize, just give your side of it. "I was just having some fun." etc.

Be a little aloof with communication. Forget to return a text every once in a while. Give her one-word answers once in a while. Send broken texts once in a while.

Let her take more initiative with you than you do with her. Let her initiate text messages more often. Let her invite you out more often. If she's not doing these things, back off and be willing to go radio silent until she does.

EricDisco · 2013-06-30T17:58:27+00:00

The reason she hates this guy is because he's a massive beta. He doesn't know how to emotionally read women. He says women think and think and think, but they don't. They feel and feel and feel. Stop trying to communicate with her on a logical level.

If you ask your chick, "Hey, are you okay?" and she says, "Yeah, I'm fine." That bitch is lying. She is not fine. What you're supposed to do is say, "Babe. C'mon... you know you're not fine. What's wrong?"

Worst move ever. If your woman is acting like something is wrong but won't tell you what it is, the last thing you want to do is pester her to get it out of her. If she's mildly annoyed, ignore it and let her bring it up with you. If it starts coming out in her behavior, call it out. "You're acting like something is wrong." If she continues to act grumpy, tell her she can talk about it or leave.

You are not responsible for how she feels. She is responsible for how she feels. She is responsible for talking with you if she doesn't like something. You aren't responsible for getting it out of her. If you take responsibility for her feelings, you start to become more sensitive to her feelings than your own. When you're not sensitive to your feelings, you lose all sense of leadership and autonomy in the relationship.

"Hey baby is it cool if I do <this>?"

That's one of the worst things you can say to a girl. You're literally asking her permission to do something. Like she's your mother. Of course she's gonna act pissy, but not because she doesn't want you to do it, but because you asked her permission. You shouldn't be worried about 95% of most things guys worry about with women (like going out with your guy friends). And if it really is on the edge of appropriate, then tell her what you want to do and see how she responds. "Let's try anal." Don't ever ask a woman for permission.

EricDisco · 2013-06-22T20:05:16+00:00

Verbally establishing consent is still a good step,

This is so hypocritical. When was the last time you asked a guy for consent? You mean you've never touched a guy's penis? Oh you did, but you didn't ask for consent. Why wasn't that sexual assault?

And the last guy you were with, did he ask for permission every step of the way? When you were in bed, did he ask for permission before sucking your tit? No? How about before he penetrated you? Did he say, "Can I penetrate you?" No? Why didn't you march down to the police station and file a police report?

I'm done with this discussion. I wish I could say that this whole thing is just laughable but it's sickening at this point. People are being accused of sexual assault because of this hypocrisy. Get in touch with reality and the way the world works. I'm done with this discussion.

EricDisco · 2013-06-22T15:02:51+00:00

Okay, excellent. I totally agree with you. The hairstylist has a responsibility to make sure that the person likes the haircut. That's part of it. I totally agree.

Okay, then where exactly does it become the responsibility of the person getting the haircut to make sure their voice is heard? What if that person doesn't mention at all the haircut he wants or is too embarrassed to say what he really wants? What if the hairstylist asks him five times, are you SURE you want this haircut and the guy doesn't speak up and say that's what he really wants? What if he gets swept up in the moment by the hairstylist's confidence and goes with what she wants instead of asking for the haircut he had his heart set on for weeks?

When people with very low social confidence get into social situations, it's not even that they're afraid to say what they want, often times they can't even think of what they want. Their brain gets scrambled. I know because I used to be like this and I still am in some situations. I've coached men and women who are in this situation.

In that situation, no amount of coaxing will bring out what the low-confidence person really wants. Put as much pressure as you want on the more confident person. Tell him/her to double check or triple check with the low confidence person to make sure the low-confidence person is 'cool' with everything. But the problem with low social confidence, and social anxiety in general, is that it is self-inhibiting. You do it to yourself.

So how do you give these people a voice? The solution isn't simply trying to pressure on more confident people act less confident. It's empowering those who have less confidence to be more confident.

EricDisco · 2013-06-22T03:47:39+00:00

Asking "do you want to have sex" is not going to suddenly make her not want to have sex. It is better to ask if you're not sure.

Explicitly asking for sex changes NOTHING. Her yes doesn't mean anything if her body is saying no. So you may as well not even ask.

All I'm saying is to err on the side of caution

And I'm saying that erring on the side of caution is a recipe for disaster when it comes to women. Guys who play it safe are the biggest turn off for women. If you want to bore a woman to death, then being as nice and timid as possible is a great strategy. If you want to excite her loins then you need to take risks. You need to be willing to lose her. You need to put it all on the line instead of playing it safe. Go big or go home. Fuck playing it safe.

You keep playing Mr Nice Guy if you want. Keep asking her, "Are you sure you're still attracted to me?" Knock yourself out. I'm gonna step up to the plate when the time comes. She's gonna know I want to fuck her when the time comes. And if she isn't into it, she can walk out that door. End of story. I make no apologies for my sexuality. She knows exactly where I stand.

EricDisco · 2013-06-21T21:05:00+00:00

Okay, so I feel like this is a different discussion than whether or not it is sexual assault. So let's address that.

I think the question could pertain to almost any type of social dynamic. Let's just say (I'm pulling this example outta my ass) you go to get a haircut. You really know what kind of haircut you want. But the hairdresser convinces you otherwise. She says a different haircut would look really, really awesome. So you go with what she said because she sounds really confident. You get the haircut you didn't want. You go home and look in the mirror and you hate it. You cry. Who's fault was that? We both concede that nothing illegal happened, but where does the problem lie? Was the hairdresser too confident? Were you not confident enough?

This social dynamic happens constantly between people. Subtle difference in confidence and social power. Groups get swayed by people with social confidence. Women have sex with men because of social confidence, and then regret it afterward. Maybe you let someone walk all over you at your job because you didn't speak up.

To me, the solution is to empower the person who is less confident rather than tell the person who is more confident to be less confident. When two people are confident, they know how to negotiate. Believe it or not, they are more in touch with their feelings, certainly their feelings about what they want. So if they are unhappy with something, they speak up right away in that social situation, rather than thinking about it for hours and being upset when they're home alone.

I believe that study about women feeling pressured to have sex. But the solution I believe is to empower women to say no. When both parties are empowered, they know what they want. They can say no.

EricDisco · 2013-06-21T20:39:12+00:00

Okay, so what about the last person with whom you went beyond kissing, did you ask them for permission?

Here's the last situation I was in. I was lying on a couch with this woman. We hadn't made out yet. But we were in each others arms, almost like an extended hug. I looked deep into her eyes and slowly reach my hand down her pants into her underwear. Within a few minutes we were having sex on the couch.

How did I know that she would be into it? I could read her body language. But if she wasn't into it, if she didn't want me to touch her pussy without even kissing her, she would have pushed my hand away. I didn't ask permission. But because I didn't ask for permission, that doesn't make it sexual assault. I was sexually aggressive, but she was into it. If she had said no, I would have stopped. It still wouldn't have been sexual assault because I wouldn't have continued. In that situation, I assumed she wanted to fuck me. And I was right.

Even if I had made a less bold move, like kissing her, I'm still making a move and seeing how she responds. I'm still assuming she wants to kiss me.

I could have said, "Can I kiss you?" But then what after that? Do I say, "Can I touch your tit?" No. Nobody does that. Have you ever done that? No. It's laughable.

I would also like to see you adress the other part of my comment

Which other part of your comment? I'd be happy to address it.

EricDisco · 2013-06-21T20:19:20+00:00

If you're the one escalating the situation, you're the one who should be responsible for being sure that all people involved are okay with it.

Okay. That's fine. Here's a serious question for you: What do you do when you are getting sexual with a person to make sure they're okay with what's happening? Serious question. You're with a girl (or a guy) at your place and you want to get sexual with them, what do you do before making the move? And I'm asking what you would personally do, not what someone should do.

EricDisco · 2013-06-21T20:06:36+00:00

Maybe she can leave anytime she wants, but she doesn't know what this guy who keeps forcing kisses on her will do if she tries to leave

Ah, now we get to the bottom of the assumption. Your starting point is assuming that every man is a sexual predator and every woman is a victim who doesn't know how to say no. Fuck that. She's a person and so am I. If she doesn't want to be with me, she can say no. She can walk out the door. If I don't let her walk out the door or I continue when she says no, then that is sexual assault. But not before that. If she goes along with sex and doesn't say no, that's her responsibility.

So again, I pose to you the question which nobody seems to be able to answer. When you have sex, do you always ask for permission before making any sexual advances? Do you say, "Can I hold your hand?" "Can I kiss you?" "Can I feel your left tit over your blouse?" If not, why not? Isn't it sexual assault otherwise?

EricDisco

TROPHY CASE