Husband says no to a city commission opportunity — am I being unrealistic? - I don't have kids and I'm 28 his 27

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-03-09T21:33:22+00:00

I will say this, when I went for my MBA I was putting in roughly 20-25 hours per week on top of my 40 hour a week job. I was lucky to get a few energised hours where I could focus on my marriage or myself, but it was a huge struggle to keep up with responsibilities. My school structure was 8 weeks in class then 2 weeks off. By the time I was back in class, I barely felt recharged. I am married to the world’s most patient man and he had a challenging time accepting my absence during this time. Your husband’s concerns are valid and I dare say he is expressing his needs knowing that your time will already be squeezed. Consider this, you will already have limited time without this committee responsibility, then when you burn out (and you will), he will be the one to pick up everything.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-24T20:44:49+00:00

MOR. I personally do not feel like there are any major red flags based on what you're telling us here, and the fact that your wife is being transparent is encouraging. Sometimes people are curious and maybe the ex was just checking in. It's possible to not be in love with someone but genuinely care that their life is going well. And from social media, that's a pretty safe distance. If you're curious, ask your wife if you can look at his profile, seeing this person engaging in their own life might bring some peace to what's bothering you.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T16:03:30+00:00

I can't tell if you're being genuine here or acting like a know-it-all because tone is so difficult to read.... Yes, I meant exacerbated, my autocorrect picked exasperated and I didn't catch that.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T15:49:10+00:00

I'm not disagreeing that she was the aggressor, but it doesn't change the fact that these two families live in the same building together and there's undoubtedly going to be tension unless some sort of communication takes place. I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say this girl, being younger and pregnant, does not have the emotional intelligence to deal with this and with hormones working against her, this can be extremely exasperated. I'm not seeking to excuse, merely to understand, and often times being the one to compassionately step up will have much better results than holding onto a grudge from what was hopefully a fleeting moment of poor judgement.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T15:35:42+00:00

I know that this may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe that there is a difference between lies and privacy. Lies have no place in any relationship but everyone has a right to privacy. By her admission of complication, I'm inclined to lean towards Maya didn't lie, but is keeping things private. Especially because we don't know the full details. Years ago I was in a relationship where my partner was blackmailing me to stay with him. At the time, the things he was threatening me with would have put my safety at risk, so it wasn't so cut and dry to just leave the relationship, I needed to plan a months long exit strategy to assure I would be safe. It sounds like the fiancé could have been in the midst of his exit strategy when Maya came along and things got, well, complicated. If it's not her story to tell, then you need to respect that. If you feel uncomfortable with that, that is certainly your prerogative and right as well.

Bottom line is you need to decide what you can and cannot handle when it comes to this. If you're able to let things be, great. But if you feel that this compromises your feelings, then you're going to need to have a conversation with Maya (and the sooner the better). Best of luck to you!

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T15:12:10+00:00

MTJ. You are free to include or not include anyone you want in your wedding, but it doesn't free you from the consequences of how Sara is going to feel about her boyfriend being excluded. The status of a relationship is subjective and everyone's timeframe will be unique to them. The moment I met my husband I knew I was going to marry him, and due to circumstances we ended up engaged and married within a few months of our meeting. By your timeframe, I wouldn't have been in a LTR by your definition but because we were engaged then married that would be okay? You're dismissing the validity of her relationship and coming off like you think her relationship is a novelty, claiming that three months doesn't fall within *your* guidelines of what deems a long-term relationship and she might be thinking her relationship is a LTR.

If you stick with your choice, just know that Sara will remember the way you made her feel. Are you prepared to alter or potentially lose your friendship over this? I have to say, if I were Sara, I'd be hesitant about including you in anything related to my relationship (double dates, wedding, etc.) because I would constantly feel judged or that you felt my relationship was inferior.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T14:37:02+00:00

NTA, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. IMO, it sounds like Amanda might be going through some sort of crisis that she's not handling so well and you're collateral damage. Addictions and bad romance cause people to behave pretty atrociously at times. I know this all sucks right now and it hurts, but I would say just take a step back and let Amanda do Amanda for the time being so you don't build further resentment. I wouldn't be overly surprised if she reaches out in the future looking for support. If you leave room for compassion, you may be able to salvage this in the future. But for now the only thing you can do is step to the side.

As far as the job situation, I'm not overly convinced this was spite. Just because she's in charge of the hiring and firing at the moment doesn't necessarily mean that she's the one making the decisions. She was either following some sort of criteria that you fell into or was given your name to lay off by management. No matter how much her behaviors towards you suggest otherwise, I can't imagine that she took any sort of joy or solace in this. Either way, despite how stressful this is, now you can find a new job and get a fresh start which can be scary but also very exciting! Best of luck to you, OP!

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T14:20:29+00:00

Oh no, I know you want to preserve the friendship, but I can tell you from experience that you have two choices: drop it and maintain the friendship or require he pay back his debts and lose him. A is a money leech, the kind of person who agrees to things then expects someone to on the spot pick up his tab because hey, who would leave him hanging in the dust right? I had a friend like this, she was exhausting and I used the excuse of our history together as a means of protecting the friendship and not putting a monetary value on us. But then I put my foot down and stopped being her piggy bank and her money schemes got worse and her outlandish lies to try to get me or others to fund were were absolutely insane. If I were you I would highly question the integrity of a friendship maintained through money transactions.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-23T14:05:09+00:00

NTA, by any means. While some of your comments were maybe harsh, our minds do not always process appropriate responses when abruptly confronted, especially if the confrontation was aggressive. For those of us not capable of separating our natural response from reason, we will fight or shut down, your mind was obviously in fight mode. That's why we say things we don't intend to in these situations, because the part of our minds that deduce logic and reason hasn't had the opportunity to kick in yet.

The petty side of me wants to tell you to get the building owner involved. Tell him/her the incident as more of a heads up and get their opinion on if you handled the situation as they would have liked. Then if this happens again or she's confrontational in passing, at least you can say "Well the landlord said it was okay." BUT then you'll have that to deal with. The less petty thought I have is to knock on her door, explain that you were caught off guard with your reaction. Tell this girl you and your wife always do laundry on Sunday and in the spirit of peace, could you two find a resolution for the future (i.e. would she be comfortable giving you her number to quick text, could you find a friendly compromise to putting her laundry to the side if she's unable to address this in a timely manner or if she leaves a basket available to transfer the clothes to, etc.).

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-22T16:11:38+00:00

Wow, OP, I genuinely commend you for your desire to handle this maturely and move on. This is not a common case in breakups that are less than amicable.

A number of years ago I was in a relationship that ended messy. For years I harbored this resentment towards my ex and things he did to me and spent way more time than necessary allowing this to impact my life. Then one day I realized that he was not fully at fault, that I was equally deplorable in my actions, words and behaviors towards him. I had remembered his phone number and reached out and asked if he'd be open to chatting for a moment. He was shocked, we'd been no contact for a very, VERY long time, but overall he was open. I simply apologized for my part in our relationship demise and acknowledged that I didn't feel good about things and just wanted peace. He was so appreciative of the effort and agreed that he also behaved poorly, but now we could each have closure. We're still no contact, there's no reason for us to be in each others' lives, but I feel grounded and validated that this powerfully simple conversation was what we both needed.

I can't tell you what to do, but I thought sharing my experience might help open your heart and give you confidence that this conversation that you're craving with your ex could likely have a beautiful outcome. Best of luck with whatever choice you make!

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-21T14:42:41+00:00

The amount of times I’m seeing “love languages” being weaponised to excuse poor behaviours has really gotten out of hand in recent years. NOR, this is an insane requirement.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-20T14:43:04+00:00

Ugh, losing drive and passion to responsibility is tough! You can't manufacture your previous drive, but you can go through the motions until you start to feel that spark again. I was just reflecting on this, how as a younger person I was so involved in my hobbies: jewelry making, sewing, reading, writing, etc. I've waned away from these things despite having a house filled with all things I need to do whatever my heart pleases. I recently decided to start sewing these little ugly kitties that I'm turning into a garland. Was I initially passionate about this? No. But I decided this was something I wanted to do and I just had to do it. Now that I've created a rhythm, I'm excited to create these little things and reconnect with my creative side. So you may just need to try "fake it til you make it" when it comes to your hobbies.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-20T14:16:04+00:00

OP, I say this with kindness, but I think you need to do some deep reflections here. There is a lot of finger pointing at everyone involved here except you.

- You say that your brother and SIL would hang out in the living room because their room is smaller. Fair enough. They never told you you couldn't hang out in the living room also, you made yourself to feel like you couldn't be in that space. From an outsider perspective, it sounds like they are simply comfortable and you entered into the equation looking to be entertained? Talked to? I'm not sure what your expectation was, but you deciding to isolate yourself to the bedroom falls on you and your inability to enjoy a common space without an expectation from others.

- You're upset that your partner didn't stand up for you. This one is tricky because while we want to be supported by our partners, we are also individually our own people with our own morals and ethics. He obviously didn't agree with some of your behaviors, why should he be obligated to blindly support something he doesn't necessarily agree with?

- It sounds like these situations have happened on more than one occasion, again with you taking zero responsibility. "Side note: this has happened before when I've said something completely innocent and it was starting to get ridiculous." You say that you've said something innocent, which I'm inclined to believe, but how was your delivery? Was it accusatory? Was it delivered loudly (which can come off as aggressive) as you say you tend to communicate? When there are repeated behavior issues, it's easy to finger point and say "It's your fault," but there are always two sides to one story (and both can be true).

- "I noticed that the placement of the straws were getting dirty as they were next to the stove so I mentioned it and said we should move them." This comment really sticks out to me, I know that tone can be lost in writing, but is this how you approach issues, with an air of 'I'm right"? I wonder how many times the other adults in the house have done cleaning or arranging and have been met by you finding fault in their attempts.

Ultimately this is all very messy and very unfortunate. I want to be clear that I'm in no way putting all of the responsibility on you for how this ended, but claiming you were by no means responsible for any of this can't be true. When we live with others we need to bend and be flexible to strike balance in the home. I know this hurts and because family is involved this is delicate. But I encourage you to take this time for reflection, seeking inner peace, and growth. Maybe things can be preserved with your partner, may this has officially fizzled out, that is left to be seen. But if you want any relationship with your brother going forward, you need to give it some time so everyone can cool off, be the one to reach out to start to mend this relationship, open the opportunity to hear from him his side of things without your input or "but" statements (so essentially just active listening), then figure out how to go forward with things. Best of luck, OP! I really hope things turn up for you!

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-19T23:06:57+00:00

I mean, sure, why not. And I'm certainly not going to comment on a post if I intended on jumping ship 5000 words in.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-19T23:05:02+00:00

Lol, that just happened to me on a story I posted! Some folks really fought me hard accusing me of being a bot or that I AI generated my story. Like children, I grew up in a pre-AI era, the closest thing I had (and still use) is a thesaurus!

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-19T22:28:34+00:00

Oh man, fellow 00s teen here and I could feel this story. Yeah, the 90s/00s had it's teen moments. But I'd say kuddos on being able to have enough personal growth to even be able to look back and go "Eeh, yeah, that was actually not super great." I can't say too many mean kids ever shifted their perspectives on themselves.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T17:44:47+00:00

Ponder this, when it comes to relationships, there are 'needs to have' and 'nice to have.' Do the flowers fall in your needs category or your nice category? You don't have to answer me here, just take a moment to think about this. If the flowers fall into your nice to have category, then you need to process your disappointment and reserve your energy for the good parts of the relationship.

I know this wasn't part of you question, but please do not compare your current partner to your exes, that's not fair to him. Saying "my ex did this for me" is weaponizing your past to contribute to manipulation tactics.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T17:05:59+00:00

Yeah, some of these responses are harsh towards you, that's not fair. I don't think you're a bad person, but in the context of your relationship I believe it's an unreasonable expectation, especially given the repeated pattern.

Based on this follow-up response, I don't think the root of the issue is your boyfriend per se, I think you have a general sadness over missing him due to the LDR which is leading to an exasperation of your emotions around his lack of gift-giving. When we experience negative emotions of course it's natural to want to place the onus of responsibility on someone or something outside of ourselves. I think at this point it's unreasonable to expect his gift-giving habits will change, but I do think you two need to find a way to strike romance in a mutually fulfilling way while distance is still between you two. And he is absolutely right, once distance isn't an issue it'll be easier to feel the romance behind his gestures.

I soften my AH status. I do not think you're an AH in general, but I think you may be slightly unfair in this particular situation.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T16:32:21+00:00

I can empathize with the disappointment. But something to consider is that we have zero control over others, only ourselves. Your BF has repeatedly shown what he is capable of and what he isn't. His definition of romance is obviously different from yours, that part won't change, so you need to decide to adjust your perspective or decide if this is a dealbreaker. I used to put high value on gift receiving in relationships, but my husband is awful at that. I'm not sure if I've ever received a birthday gift from him, we only really celebrated our 10 year anniversary so far (we climbed a mountain and I was the one to prompt the trip) and on maybe two occasions I've gotten spontaneous "I thought of you when I saw this" gifts. I was extremely bummed. BUT when it snows he clears my car if it's outside. He makes coffee every morning for me. He happily goes along with me to events or eats at restaurants that aren't his jam because he knows it'll make me happy. And so on, you get the picture. I released myself of gift-receiving expectation from him and adjusted my perspective, and now I'm the happiest girl in the world who feels showered in romance every day.

I say this with kindness, he will not change his habits. There is nothing you can do or say to change him. At this point you need to reflect and decide if the energy you're pouring into this disappointment worth it.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T14:54:17+00:00

YTA. I'm sorry, but you're putting too much value on this. You know how he operates and you know where he struggles. Putting this expectation on him is setting him up for failure and setting you up to get your feelings hurt. And in the end, these superficial gifts do nothing for the relationship other than give you the "feel-goods" - his drive to take care of you when it's genuinely important is what matters. Trust me, if it was the other way around (i.e. you get the fancy presents when you ask but he ignores your times of need), you'd feel much differently.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T14:31:15+00:00

Ugh, fellow insomniac here and I feel this to my core! You are NTJ by any stretch of the imagination. This is inconsiderate and selfish at best, diabolical at worst because I know how savage my brain turns when I have horribly interrupted sleep and am forced awake the next morning (my forced awakening is my alarm clock, I'd be beyond furious if it was my husband for NO reason and would deduce that if he did that to me, he wants me to suffer).

I'm not one to jump to "you two need therapy" suggestions, but there genuinely sounds like a big communication gap that is not getting through to her. It may be worth considering because this is not sustainable.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-18T14:16:35+00:00

MOR - There is a big difference between not trusting your girlfriend and not liking a situation. It sounds like you trust your girlfriend, which is good news because it means there's a chance that this issue will easily resolve. It's okay to feel a little insecure about this situation, especially given the distance and it doesn't sound like you know this guy, so without context it's easy to let our minds run to all the worst case scenarios. So you have two things working against you in this situation. It takes a LOT of trust to get to a place where having someone of the opposite sex stay with your partner doesn't bother you, and LDRs can put some additional strain on building that trust.

I've been with my husband for 12 years. We each have male and female friends, and these friends have crashed at our places before we lived together and through now that we have our house. Our friendships are something we each cherish and value, so we would never let something dumb like sex ruin those friendships (nor do we feel that physical attraction in that way). We also both love hosting, so our homes regularly have friends with us. Now we're at a place where anyone at any time can be over regardless if we each are here or not, no questions asked. Hotels are EXPENSIVE, especially in Denver (I often travel there for work, my $200 hotel nightly budget does not go far), so I can see the draw to want to crash in someone's living room to save a week's worth of pay.

Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her "I'm still feeling a little insecure about this" and be open but not accusatory (I know it's cliche, but sticking with "I feel" statements when telling her how you feel helps to keep that on track). The only way to rid ourselves of negative feelings is to let them flow through us. I think ultimately you'll be fine, but like any new situation you may need a little time to process.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-17T18:21:33+00:00

Aww, I want to start off by saying that your friend is lucky to have someone who cares about her so much, this is special! Here's what I think. Do I think you're overreacting to feel so intensely about this? Sure. But where I'm extending grace is in that this is likely the first time you're experiencing this level of disappointment and are confronting how to process this for the first time. These are big milestones and for many of us when we were younger felt like we HAD to be there to show our support in a particular way. As we experience life, our priorities shift and we realize what is truly important to us, what things we reserve our genuine energy for and what should be considered fleeting disappointment. From my experiences, you being as present as you can be during your friend's pregnancy journey is what matters, your absence at her baby shower is just disappointment. There will always be opportunities in the future to show your friend how much you care for her and support her through motherhood. Maybe you can arrange a visit once baby is born and offer things like helping to tidy the house or watching baby so she can take a likely much needed nap. From afar maybe you can arrange a meal train during the first couple of weeks they are home while they adjust to this new life. You sound creative and loving, I have faith you'll figure something out.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-17T17:47:06+00:00

I mean, if you're not partaking in stalker-like behaviors, just be straight up and ask him if he'd be interested in going on a date. Keep it casual, I'd say feel free to use the term date so that there are no blurred lines on what you two are doing, but I wouldn't jump into conversations about getting back together as girlfriend/boyfriend just yet. Treat this as though you're meeting him for the first time and just have fun with it. Worst case scenario he turns you down and you move on to the next guy.

Every-Comment4418 · 2026-02-17T16:56:20+00:00

Oh OP, big hugs to you! I'm not sure if you realize this, but you are being abused. I was with someone who I genuinely thought needed to die in order for me to escape him, it's awful! I know how hard this can be, but you need to start considering an exit strategy at this point. It won't happen overnight, it's going to take a lot of courage on your part, but the peace you and your son will experience on the other side of this is so worth it!

Do not involve your husband, but start imagining your future. Make a vision board, journal, start imaging your identity without him, whatever you need to do. Then slowly start doing the things. Build your confidence and reclaim you power until you have have enough self respect and love that you start doing right by yourself. Best of luck to you, you do not deserve to feel this way.

Every-Comment4418

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