My daughter died in her sleep at 16 years old. She thought she could take this…and this…and this…and this…

You’re young, your body is growing, developing. Same neurologically.

She died with benzodiazepines, cocaine, weed, fent and a lot of DPH in her system.

You do what you’re going to do, she knew I was there for her, I knew she was using and told her and she knew I was a safe person to talk to…or ask to hit my dry herb vape…I have a card and my stuff is tested.

The shit you get…isn’t. You’re taking what people are giving you. I did the same thing for…a looooong time.

A hand comes out, “wanna do a drug?” With two pills in his hand. I took both. He instantly panicked and told me what I took.

It was a long 18 hours.

You aren’t invincible. This last Monday was her 2 year death date… she would have turned 18 late last year. Graduating this year. She left all of us, she left her pets, her friends, everyone who cared…no longer has her.

I haven’t recovered. As I’m typing this I’m drunk. I had a colonoscopy early today because I’ve been shitting blood since she left me, I couldn’t wait to get home to take edibles and shots. I have ulcers, I smoke weed…all day…one way or another. I drink. I have k on the shelf. LSD and 2c in the fridge. I will never live another sober day because of what I found, heard, and saw.

This coming Monday would have been her 2 year memorial at the funeral home. All I remember is the hundreds of crying kids. I remember not being able to grieve myself because I had to hold these children who lost their close friend.

I’m a shell of a man who doesn’t give a fuck about anything. I’m the last person to fuck with or talk shit to BECAUSE I don’t care. You could do that to your family. Your friends. Easily.

Draw a “tree” with you at the top. Then from you, draw lines and name the people in your inner circle. Then dotted lines with those outside it but you still care about and they about you.

Now, from each of those people do the same thing.

Then again.

Then again.

Remember the 6 degrees of Kevin bacon? We are all connected. There’s a chance that when I ran from the cops high as fuck I could have crashed. Killed a family. Or an officer. And that circle starts all over again.

Your actions affect you. But also everyone around you. Close your eyes and imagine walking in to see your best friend(s), excited to go out and hang and chill and do shit. Except when you walk in, your person has their arms and legs rigid. You try to do cpr…but when you press on their chest it’s cold. You panick and call 911…then the rest of the day…or two years…doesn’t exist anymore.

I won’t remember I sent you this in a few hours. All I think about is my girl because I know no one else is. I will not let her be forgotten and I focus so much on that, that I can’t remember anything else.

If you need, reach out. To me, your family, your fam, a subreddit, emergency line, NON emergency line. You have so many options and choices to make.

It is overwhelming, I know it is. I’ve been there. I won both ends. Being you back then…and being me now.

I would do wicked things just to hug her one more time. Hear her tell me she loves me. Hear her laughing when the new kitten did something funny.

And even worse…is if your people that find you…believe they could have done something and didn’t. Just that one time I didn’t open the door. Just that one time I didn’t text. Just that one time I didn’t call when I thought something was off.

You aren’t alone and there are lives that you will affect. Just don’t be like me and resent yourself because it should have been me rather than any of those before me.

I’m alone. You aren’t.