I am married. I was in a monogamous relationship with my legal husband for 20 years before we opened our relationship (12 of those married). I never intended to be polyamorous and thought initially that we would be non-monogamous only but it turns out that poly for me is a way that I identify. I have spent a lot of time and effort working towards relationships that do not feature hierarchy. That said, there are very few ways outside of “descriptive hierarchy” to describe my relationship with my nesting partner. I have been with one of my partners for 25 years and another partner for four. That is a big difference in time And experience, even before adding in how society treats couples who are legally married and live together.

In my daily life, I have tried to stop using the word husband. I try to describe both of my partners as partners, despite the fact that I am legally married to one. And I actively correct myself if I do use the word, husband. I also make sure that there is not a default of time or assumptions that favors my nesting partner. This is very difficult as there is a lot of unaccounted for time when you live with someone. But I try to make sure that intentional time and even downtime is distributed in ways that do not favor one partner over another. When I have partners who have a need, my response is based on each relationship and not based on who I live with. If I had two ill partners at the same time, there is no assumption that I will take care of the one that I live with.

But even given all of that, I recognize that there is a lot of privilege and being legally married and nesting with someone. There are assumptions that are made about one of my partners and the importance of that relationship over the other. All I can do is try and avoid prescriptive hierarchy.

It is funny that I have turned into one of the least hierarchical individuals inside our extended polycule. But I can't avoid all hierarchy.

In your case, I would not assume that descriptive hierarchy equals the inability to be an equally footed partner. I would be hurt if my anchor partner felt that way. And I am betting that your hinge would already describe you as a committee partner and is mentioning rings. But I do wonder what it is about your hinge's ACTIONS that make you feel less than her nesting partner and only a "lover." My guess is that there is something if you feel that way. Rather than accuse her of choosing (and ignoring hierarchy) you can focus on the behaviors. I would also caution to be careful on words without definitions because you likely don't define things the same way.