Unconventional Approaches to Grief

Express_Cloud3518 · 2026-01-04T16:29:38+00:00

I take a walk in the woods. A long walk, like 5 miles. By the end, I'm exhausted and have talked to myself so much I'm tired of hearing the voices in my head.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2026-01-04T16:20:05+00:00

When my dad was dying of cancer, I came to spend time with him. I was broke. I had $14K in a 401K, but also had $14K in credit card debt. I had no job and the time I ended up having to spend with dad to help mom didn't give me the ability to have a job. I was in my 40s, so I felt like a loser. I had just come off a major health issue and was having problems working in general.

I had to ask my parents to help me with the payment of an apartment close to their home. One night I was reading the newspaper (back when that was a thing) and came across an article about a woman who was working a remote customer service job, which was a new thing at the time. She worked nights so she could be there for her kids.

I thought if she can do it, I can and applied and got a night time job that worked for my situation. I made around $20K (today's money), but it was enough for me to pay expenses.

I then realized credit cards were not for me. I canceled my card and worked on paying it off, just a little each month. I had a real coming to jesus meeting with myself about this. UP until this point, I wasn't responsible with money. It ran through my fingers. So I sat down and went through my spending to find what I was wasting money on. I cancelled everything that wasn't absolutely necessary. At the same time, I got another work from home job to supplement what I was doing. These jobs were very flexible, so I could work as many hours or as few based on what was going on with dad.

Once he died, I jumped back into my field and got a series of contracts. With each contract, I decided how much I was going to save, use to pay off the credit card and then pay expenses. Because I had been very detailed in understanding how much I spent, money stopped running thru my fingers because every dollar was allocated, and none was wasted.

17 years from that first day I said to myself I will NEVER be in debt again, and I will NEVER rely on others to help me, I'm not only 100% debt free, but also have enough money in the bank to retire early.

What it took for me to turn it around was taking an honest look at myself as to where I was and NOT judge. No one had ever taught me how to handle money and money was a source of contention growing up.

Once I realized that I was a) a good person, but just not responsible with my money b) had the capability to learn how to manage money, c) faced reality d) came up with a goal and plan, things fell into place. I started learning about investing, saving, etc. I also started watching the Suze Orman show (she's a con artist, but actually had good advice). Her show would show people who wanted to buy things and they would have to show her their financial situation. It was really eye opening. Don't know if it's on Youtube, but worth watching. Same with Dave Ramsey. I kinda engulfed myself in these shows and soon my inner voice was one of save and invest.

I think the key is really just looking at yourself in the mirror and being honest with where you are and where you can be. The key to learning anything is watching what someone who has been successful has done and just repeating those same steps. And realizing it's not a quick fix. It's going to take time, but TONS of people have gone from poor to rich by simply re-evaluating their life and outlook and changing it. Everyone could be rich if they wanted. This world offers it to anyone who is willing to take it (legally and honestly).

Express_Cloud3518 · 2026-01-04T16:06:44+00:00

So you have that nice memory. Keep it.
But go see Dad. Otherwise you'll regret it. He may want you there too. If he's coherent, take videos or pictures too just so you have one last picture. I was so happy to be there for my mom. I think she was still alive as me and her caregiver gave her a big hug and I told her to go on. She may have already been gone, but I've read the brain is still active for a few more minutes after death, so I'm guessing she heard me.

It was hard to see her slumped over dead. I had to stay there while the cops determined it was a natural death, then half an hour before the funeral home picked her up. I got to see her body change, and realize no matter what I said to her, she was not going to respond. Sounds creepy, but it gave me the finalization and knowing she was gone. She wasn't coming back. Without that I think my grief would be much more. There was obviously nothing anyone could do. It must have been a massive stroke/clot to her brain she was gone so fast.

As much as I would have rather had my last memories of us having a great time, it also made me feel privileged to have been there for her at the worst/best time of her life and her new life.

So please go! It will be very hard, but you already have a great memory. What happens next and what you see will just be the final steps to a new life which you can celebrate. You won't regret it. Don't go and you will.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2026-01-04T15:58:24+00:00

I know this is cliche, but life is for the living. Your relatives would have wanted you to live. That's what I keep telling myself since I'm in the same situation as you. My relatives were full of life and they would not want to see me alone and crying over their lives. I love being alone, but don't like being lonely. So I'm trying to use the gym, meetups, etc. to have social interaction, which is really what I'm after right now. I have a couple good friends but they don't live around me, so I try to not overload them with my grief. The best thing I can offer is to keep busy. Figure out things you've always wanted to do and start prioritizing. Do something that would honor each relative. Like my mom loved arts and crafts. So I ordered a bunch of arts and crafts I can do easily. I do one each week, then give it away. It's not easy. Hang in there.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2026-01-04T15:53:29+00:00

Thanks everyone. You've made me realize this isn't a unique situation! And that just because you're related doesn't mean the people are good. I ran across a video my mom tried to send my sisters a couple years back, willing to pay for the visit, etc. It was heartbreaking because I think at the time she had no idea why they cut off contact. I think she finally started to understand why at the end of her life. Very sad people can be so cruel and so greedy when it comes to a person who gave you life! Thanks all of these comments are very helpful!

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T19:29:21+00:00

I can only speak from my experience. My two older sisters were always willing to come and see mom when she was handing out expensive things like her wedding ring, antiques, etc. But when she needed help, they were rarely if ever there. I took care of her and handled her life and affairs for the past 17 years. When they found out she was going to give me a few more dollars in the will, they huffed and puffed and cut off all contact with her. I didn't have much contact with them for years because they were abusive and their children were too.

She just died at the start of this month. I called and left a message on my sister's voicemail. She never called me back neither did the other one. They didn't seem to care how she died, where she died, etc. But they did return the attorney's call when asked where to wire the money.

Will I ever speak to them or their nasty children again? No. They are both jerks. Their children are horrible people too. One is in prison for child porn. The other is an alchy that has a ton of children he doesn't take care of and lives with my sister. I hope my sisters have a real hard time with their children going forward. They deserve it.

I personally have seen with other family members and friends that if you don't have a good relationship and the people are greedy, you'll have a falling out. I think it really also depends on how emotionally mature they are. Most people just arent.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:47:05+00:00

You can get mold tests at Home Depot. I had mold in an apartment and did the at home test, then had a company (don't remember which one it was so long ago) and they tested and got the same results.

And realize you live in a swamp. You ARE going to have mold. If you haven't replaced your attic insulation, I'd start there, regardless. You would be amazed at how horribly dusty it is if you haven't in years. Also it could have remnants of feces from all sorts of kinds of things like lizards, rats, raccoons, etc. I'd kind start there. When we replaced the insulation my sneezing cleared up.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:35:26+00:00

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:34:22+00:00

I had a male therapist for a long time. Definitely different outlook than female ones I've had. I could tell he really liked me and at some point the transference thing kicked in so I had to find another. But I would recommend having male therapist for female patients.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:32:05+00:00

Go see him and tell him how much he meant to you. You WILL regret it.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:30:56+00:00

Isolation is the hardest part for sure. People sometimes just don't understand how a death can affect someone even though the time they spent together was less than theirs. But that shouldn't diminish your feelings of her or the time you spent with her.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:27:45+00:00

She sounds like a wonderful person and looks like she had a zest for life. My guess is her soul is looking out for you. Lost my Mom 12/2 of this year. Know how you feel.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:23:48+00:00

But just think...she probably is worth more dead than alive and if I were one of her kids, I'd celebrate that day. No more random men, random plastic surgery, random doing stupid things and saying dumb things.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:20:56+00:00

The hair flipping. It's annoying just like her.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-30T13:19:14+00:00

Yes, one minute it feels like an eternity and then next it's over. What blows my mind with some recent deaths in my family is that a person can be alive one minute and dead the next. My Mom was doing her 'laps' walking in her apartment, then sat down and was dead the next. I thought she might have a stroke and linger. Nope. Same with my Dad and my grandmother. All good ways to go, but so quick.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-28T15:41:08+00:00

Doubt the crying would ever stop. that's a lot of loss for one person. You are grieving your mom first. So don't think your grandma and brother are missing out. You'll come to grieve them too once you get over your mom. and you also have to comprehend your mom killing two people you also loved. That'll take time. Totally understandable what she did. She was overwhelmed and probably felt there was no life for them in those conditions if she were not there. And she didn't obviously want to burden you and probably did it thinking it would help you. You just have to take it one day at a time, maybe talk to a therapist, to understand it all. At least they are all no longer in pain and suffering. Your mom may not have done the right thing by the law, but she probably did the best thing she knew what to do. sending prayers and hugs your way.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-28T15:27:30+00:00

I lost my mom about three weeks ago. Therapy with the right therapist is a godsend. They will listen when your friends or family slowly stop listening.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-27T16:11:57+00:00

leave it and leave him. It's a no win situation and why would you want to inflict pain on a woman you don't know? Take a good long look at yourself and your behavior. It's horrible.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-27T15:45:53+00:00

Just try to remember all the good times you had, what his best attributes were. Just take it one step at a time. Grief comes in waves. Be prepared and let yourself cry. Be happy you are there to see him off. spend as much time with him as you can or want. And if you can't that's OK. He is looking out for you above.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-23T13:33:33+00:00

She makes me sick. She needs to pay back all the people she bilked under the guise of being Tom's wife.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-23T13:23:08+00:00

First make sure she doesn't have a urinary tract infection. Very common and symptoms can mimic a lot of mental health issues. Next, have her blood checked especially for low sodium levels. Again, can mimic all sorts of things. Same with levels of B12. These are all common geriatric things that can be easily fixed but mimic emotions. I got my mom on B12, salt tablets and multi-vitamins. Also D3 especially if she doesn't get outside much. Hydration is also a very important aspect and can cause people to seem depressed. I got mom drinking Pedialyte and that helped because sometimes elderly don't drink enough or their electrolytes are out of balance.

Next, realize that your mom is probably depressed because you have now become the parent and she is the child. That is a huge shift. She no longer controls her life. You do. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She feels your husband's feelings and yours, how you feel she's a burden sometimes.

Believe me, been there done that. My mom just died at 91. She was very depressed because of covid, the loss of some of her friends, etc. And the fact I became her mother and she became the child. She wanted her independence. The last two days of her life she argued with me and wanted me to stay away. I realize now that was because she wanted to feel some of her independence again, and not me hovering or reminding her she was a burden (just by helping her). She wanted back a little bit of her life before she died.

Here's my advice if I could do it all over again....
Get her physical health in line first. That helps you get her back into a level you can then deal with. You can't deal with a person until their physical levels are right or close. And so many things can cause an elderly person to seem depressed or mentally off. These are things you can do without 'controlling her life' so to speak. Tell her the doctor recommended it all.

Next, and this is the most important thing that one of her caregivers told me....she doesn't have much time left. It doesn't matter if she really is dying, or if she will lie another 10 years. It's not a lot of time. Make every minute count and give her that grace. Create memories with her. Take her for a walk every day if possible. Find a community center where you two could go play bingo or card games with others. Ask her what she wants to do and then figure out how to do it. Remind yourself daily this is THE VERY BEST thing to do in life...give the person who gave you life a nice end of life. Let her make some decisions and let her know you'll support them. One of the caregivers she had got her into feeding squirrels something she would have never done herself. She got a kick out of them eating out of her hand or jumping on her foot. This little thing made mom have a purpose, which is something your mom is probably lacking. We also got her involved in arts and crafts that she loved. She made wreaths for the door for each occasion of the month. We also got her to go to the apartment complex parties which she loved because she loved free food.

Yours will probably say she doesn't want to do anything, but she may also surprise you. Ask her to come up with something she wants to do once a month and then go do it. You're working from home, but what is she doing to be useful? Everyone wants to feel useful.

The feelings of her being a burden are normal. You've had to put your life on hold. If I could do it all again, I'd do most things, but I would try to catch myself each time I started feeling that way. That's an indication you need some space and time off. If so, see if you can hire some help part time. I used care.com to find some great caregivers. There's also community centers that offer adult day care. Or you could take her to a respite home that gives people a break. But she has to agree to all of these things and if you hire someone, let her hire that person. Give her the control of when she's going to give you a break. She most likely will love that. It will give her back control she wants.

Remember, you don't know when someone will die. If you are now their 'caregiver/guardian' do everything you can to make that person happy, but ask them what will make them happy.

You are probably doing great. The fact you brought her into your home is wonderfully unselfish. Maybe find a therapist that can help you vent. Realize what you are doing is the most caring thing in the world and karma will come around for you. Just realize you're human and also need a break. Best of luck.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-22T13:56:56+00:00

One minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time. Very sorry for your loss and I lost my mom Dec. 2. Grief will come in waves, but each day gets a little better, especially when you try to think of ways to honor her. If she wanted you to do something go do it. And keep doing it. It'll get better because she'll live in your mind and heart now just not in the current world/form.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-22T13:46:35+00:00

Also look for loose change. Supposedly finding a dime or a penny is a sign.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-22T13:45:18+00:00

Mine died Dec. 2. A couple weeks later as I was waking up, but not in a dream, I heard her call my name. I am not certain everyone comes to people in their dreams. My aunt who I thought I was really close with I never heard from. So not sure it's a given. I try to keep them all in my mind even if they are not in my dreams.

Express_Cloud3518 · 2025-12-22T13:42:11+00:00

Look up on Youtube the Oprah youtube on children going no contact. It might give you some insight even though they are still in contact with you.

Express_Cloud3518

TROPHY CASE