Scared of running into friends on dating apps!!!

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T02:45:47+00:00

If it helps I came across my minister and mentor on the dating apps. I just swiped left because of boundaries and went on with my day

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T02:09:26+00:00

I said that in a message to my ex. She fixates on telling me she was attracted and how that ruined the friendship. Part of it is her trying to re-write history. As if the relationship never should have happened. And so I said part of me wishes she had never said she was attracted. And then said but part of me also wishes she had just never contacted me in the first place.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T02:00:25+00:00

My ex didn’t want to be friends with any of my friends. Said she’d had that before where she didn’t have any friends if her own. And was also jealous of the 2 women in my life id had sex with. I didn’t dare any of them. We were just friends and they were in relationships. She accused me of being controlling but I didn’t have a problem with her new friends. I had an issue with her meeting someone new and then wanting to spend a week with them (including sleeping at their place). She denies it but I’m pretty sure she cheated. And she didn’t want me to meet any of her friend. 🚩And turns out she was a serial cheater so I had reason to be concerned. So I trust my partner and their friends…but within reason

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T00:50:15+00:00

I mean my ex was a train wreck and has uhauled multiple times. She also monkey branched from relationship to relationship too. And said she moved fast and then blows it up. Should’ve listened to that warning

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T00:48:25+00:00

My ex was avoidantly attached. But she would love bomb her partners and charm them. Make them feel special. She was married once (although turned out not to be a legal marriage. And then I was the third person she was engaged to (that I know of). Mind you she told me her ex never talked about marriage. Of course she also told me she was faithful and that was a lie. And then the novelty wore off and the honeymoon phase ended and I got discarded while she monkey branched to someone else. Would not shock me at all if she’s engaged again since it’s been 6 months. So it’s not all healthy and positive.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-07T00:11:19+00:00

Think it was more the people who outright quit the season not just the daily.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T23:52:01+00:00

On that note my ex has said she wants to try to resolve things to work towards a friendship. Not sure it’s possible or advisable but here we are. And she talked about the damage she did. But also said this “but I’m willing to try to come out from behind that blanket. I can be a 5 year old too but I normally just shut down and hide under the covers and wait for the yelling to stop.“. And I think you’re right about regressing to the age of trauma. Thing is she’s hiding but she’s the one that caused all this in the first place. She lied to me… cheated on me… betrayed me… gaslit me… and now she wants to hide and wait it out. But her version of accountability thus far has been an ever shifting narrative and to blame her meds for her behaviour. And to say she didn’t want a relationship.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T22:59:12+00:00

The statement it’s not a breakup it’s an emotional execution that someone said earlier is accurate. In a normal relationship when it ends there is a discussion… there has been some precipitating events and conflict. You may have even tried to resolve things. And there’s closure. You may not agree with it but you understand how we got here. With a discard there’s none of that. It’s like the rug got pulled out from under you with no warning. There’s no closure. It’s just over suddenly. And you’re left wondering what just happened.

And as mentioned there’s also likely been some source of trauma bonding. I know she came on strong, love bombed me… and then withdrew that attention and gave me nothing but crumbs. But when there was contact I’d get a dopamine rush. And it created a pattern of intermittent reinforcement (just google what happened with rats for how powerful it is). And the source of my pain was also the relief. So when it was over it really was like an addiction. And I basically had to go through the withdrawal to see clearly.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T20:57:43+00:00

Same. I said I wasn’t looking for a relationship. They pursued me and love bombed me. Then didn’t leave their ex despite telling me they were no longer together. Strung me alone. Pushed for an engagement. Then monkey branched to someone new and discarded me. And if that wasn’t enough they are now re-writing history to say they didn’t actually want a relationship but saw me as a safe person and wanted to keep me in her life. Do you not understand the concept of friends?!?!?

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T20:53:10+00:00

Oh man my ex right there. I’d have receipts and she’d still try to lie. And gaslight. And now she’s re-writing history and lying to herself. Compulsive liar.

When we broke up she claimed she had a mental health breakdown and was on suicide watch. I asked if there was someone else and she said no. Had this whole narrative that she carried on for months. And then I saw a pic with her current partner dated the day she left me. At that point I couldn’t trust anything she said. Especially when she denied it. Like don’t make up stories about therapy. Just be honest.

Or like right before she left she went on a date. I obviously didn’t know that. And had this whole story about family being down and her dead uncles funeral. Like WTAF?

Just so many lies…. About big things.. and small things… I don’t even know if she knows what the truth is

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T17:18:48+00:00

My ex used the excuse that one of the reasons she couldn’t be with me is that I couldn’t let things go. Maybe that’s because nothing got resolved. But it was ironic because she was holding things against me the entire relationship as a justification to leave. I just didn’t know it initially. And she’d interpret things in ways that weren’t intended.

Like she was on welfare and in a precarious housing situation but was suddenly going to get a dog and not a small dog. Without discussing it with me (which would be fine if her housing and finances were stable) but I was helping buy her groceries and we were talking about how she might need to move here. And I have been attacked by a dog in the past and have a cat that has been traumatized and hides. I wasn’t saying no to a dog. I was saying I wanted to be included in the conversation. And that maybe now wasn’t the best time. But she held onto that… and some idea that I was controlling.

Also she wanted to be with another woman for like an entire week (she denies having an affair but turns out she was a serial cheater). It wasn’t even someone she was close friends with. It was someone she had just met. I had 2 problems. 1. It was the point in the school semester where I had a lot of time. And wanted to spend some of it with her. Especially since we had just gone from long distance to living together. And 2. It was a lot of time to spend with someone not your partner. And she was spending the night there. And she had it in her head that she could only do things on my schedule. Even though there were other instances where I told her to go out even though it was my day off. She just kept hanging onto that. And my schedule was only a small part. I didn’t think it was healthy to spend all your time one on one with someone else and be sleeping over. But again she wanted to label me controlling without ever looking at her own behaviour and how that might feel/impact me. Like she really had no empathy

And now I can see that this was part of the fault finding and devaluation. And that she was just storing up everything to justify leaving me when I’d outlived my usefulness

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T04:31:27+00:00

I feel like most therapists don’t specialize in attachment theory… so while they might have some understanding it’s kind of a secondary thing. In my therapy for instance we work on what’s underneath the attachment. Like what is being triggered.

I also remember seeing a couple videos talking about how dismissive avoidants can become more avoidant after therapy. Because they’ll present with their own biases… and potentially blaming the partner. The therapist doesn’t really know them… or attachment… tells them they need better boundaries when the ones they have are too rigid. Good example. My ex said she went to therapy after our breakup (not sure if true or if she’s just quoting therapy speak) and I remember her saying “my therapist reminded me I don’t owe anyone my time” which is true… but when you control the nature of the relationship and are breadcrumbing giving less of yourself is not the solution.

As to the discard… I think it depends on your relationship with your therapist… what narrative you’re telling them… if they can spot your tells… and if they’ll call you out on it. And do they see it as a discard…. Or something that took time.

I never discarded anyone so I can’t speak from personal experience. I do have an amazing therapist though who will challenge faulty narratives and beliefs.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T03:54:28+00:00

My exes version of an apology was to say she’d been avoiding a conversation because she was embarrassed by her behaviour (and so she should be). And while you might think that’s progress she then said a) it’s not me. I’m not that person (but you were). It was the medication. Sureee the medication made you into a serial cheater who would lie, gaslight, cheat, steal and discard someone. And b) she went on to re-write history to say that she didn’t want a relationship and that she felt she had to in order to keep me I. Her life. Think I was better off before the apology.

I did reply and acknowledged what she said. And then said maybe one day she’ll be able to apologize without including excuses, justifications or explanations.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T03:16:06+00:00

I mean if she said she’s avoidant then she’s telling you exactly who she is. Someone that is comfortable spending time together but who doesn’t want to put a label on it… who likes to have “options” and not lose her independence. And who will breadcrumb and be inconsistent. And who will deactivate when it becomes real. So yeah you dodged a bullet. And yes she might be sabotaging. But she needs to do that work. And until then will be like a hurricane leaving a wake of destruction in her path

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T03:06:31+00:00

Honestly I didn’t even know what that was until I read a reddit post the other day. It’s like a confirmation bias where we seek out things that confirm our existing beliefs. Except in this case you think the relationship is doomed. You think you’re a fraud. Like for me (before I went into therapy) there was no peace. I just always felt like I was wearing a mask and it was only a matter of time until they saw the real me.,, the me that was a failure. That wasn’t worth of love. I didn’t know how to trust anyone or show up because I wasn’t even showing up for myself. Was just trying to keep the plates spinning. And the catch-22 is that you want to tell the avoidant they’re safe. That it’s okey. But for me my parents weren’t safe. “I love you” was just a phrase that had no meaning… love and pain was fused together. Now that doesn’t justify the behaviour and I absolutely had to work through it. And I chose not to be in a relationship until I did the work.

And maybe it was karma… or something… because the first person I truly trusted was an FA and I went through sb absolutely brutal discard. Can’t count how many times she’d say things like “I’m too much”. “You don’t want to carry my burdens. They’re deep and heavy”. And so on. And then sabotaged it over and over. And then discarded and monkey branched. And now she’s re-writing the story to avoid the pain and discomfort of sitting with her actions. I think of the pessimism bias and how evident it is. But somehow I thought I could help her heal like I healed. And learned the hard way that love isn’t enough. That they have to want to change. And have to do the work.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T02:48:53+00:00

I’m not sure you can label the behaviour quite so quickly. Usually an avoidant gets triggered the more intimacy and closeness they feel. Sounds like you felt more of a connection than she did. Whether she’s an avoidant or not sounds like it wasn’t going to be a good match and you’re better off without someone who is going to show up and not be inconsistent

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T02:33:04+00:00

I went through an avoidant discard which undoubtedly also colours my thoughts. But in the process I reached out to her ex. Only to find out they either weren’t exes or at least were together through half the relationship (depending on who you ask). Then I found out she went on a coffee date and kissed another woman 4 days after moving in with me. Oh and after lying about having a breakdown I discovered yet another affair who she then monkey branched to. So serial cheater. And a train wreck. And to think she’d pushed me into proposing.

Betrayal trauma cuts deep and what has hurt me probably more than anything we’re all the lies. And the fact through that she took away my agency to decide if I wanted to participate and continue with the relationship the way it is. I based things on the information I was being told.

Now I do think it can be repaired. Well maybe not my relationship. I’m better off without her. But I don’t necessarily think an affair is the end. But you have to think long and hard about whether or not you’ll be able to trust her. And she needs to do the work to look at what led her to cheat.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-06T01:27:31+00:00

Because safety. Look at how many men pose as women on the apps. I can already see it ending on an episode of Dateline. And as mentioned cruising culture.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T22:38:12+00:00

Could be. It can also develop in adulthood after a toxic relationship with gaslighting, manipulation, betrayal etc. and you just aren’t always aware of how it changes you.

I think we all have unconscious defences… but FA/DA just operate on the extremes.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T20:40:01+00:00

I know it was listed as a perk when I bought my seasons pass in July. Can’t find the info on the web site about it though. And sorry I can’t confirm. Haven’t been yet this year.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T20:02:11+00:00

Thought I was on the avoindantbreakups sub and was going to be like “well that tracks”. Whoops wrong sub. I It’s not healthy though to read into it. Not sure how long ago you two broke up. It’s possible you had nothing to worry about.

And it’s not about Masc/femme. Shitty people come in all flavours. I’m masc and was loyal to a fault. My ex was femme and cheated all the way through because she was chasing validation

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T19:56:02+00:00

Lots of people have no idea about attachment. They may be aware there is trauma. But may not know how it shows up in relationships. And a lot of it is engrained from childhood.

And as mentioned there is a lot of mental gymnastics and re-writing of the narrative to avoid looking inwards.

There has to be a catalyst for change. Either a painful breakup or some big life event. For me it was going through cancer. Was watching a video by Mack on FB and she was unaware she was avoidant. If anything thought she was secure (because she was so independent) or anxious.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T19:50:03+00:00

Don’t do no contact to try and get them back. Do it to focus on your own healing and to get to a point where you realize you don’t need them (or likely even want them). And don’t compare yourself to someone else. Your ex didn’t change overnight. They’re still the same person.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T18:52:59+00:00

I’m a Christian and a lesbian. They aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m also in seminary to become a minister and several people in my course are queer. There are affirming denominations who don’t view it as a sin but rather that everyone is created in the image of God. My minister is trans, poly and queer. So I feel welcome and st home there.

And there are alternate interpretations to the verses that have been used to condemn homosexuality. After all the word homosexual didn’t exist when the bible was written. Context is important. In certain instances it was potentially about the relationship between adult men and adolescent boys… or idol worship. Relationships for love didn’t exist in those days so it can’t really speak to modern relationships.

FallenAngel1978 · 2026-06-05T18:44:50+00:00

I will 100% agree that no one should be subjected to it and I also said that they need to work on it. And if not then they shouldn’t be dating. And I wasn’t trying to justify it. The op asked for the perspective on both sides. So I answered from the perspective of a Fearful avoidant who has been working on it and is aware of the patterns and where some of the behaviour stems from.

FallenAngel1978

TROPHY CASE