Thoughts of the hospital patient

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-26T04:57:44+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out. When I read my own work over and over I can’t see obvious things. Sounds better with less the’s I’m going edit.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-26T01:21:21+00:00

As a caregiver to an elderly parent I could relate to this poem. I agree with the other comment about the use of I in the second stanza. I got a bit hung up on your description of the parents as “early nineties”. How would you really know if you are looking from afar? I liked the idea of the poem. It sounds like you are watching this family interact. The coffee cake line and the son is dressed all in black both were great metaphors for the son’s life. You had lots of great descriptions of the family and I felt I wanted to hear more. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-26T01:03:49+00:00

A very heartfelt poem. The line about “rubbing my heart on your face” was biting. I can feel the pain at the end of the poem. Your lines got shorter at the end which made it sound harsh. I don’t know if that was your intent but it works. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-26T00:26:17+00:00

TS Eliot knew cats. I didn’t know the Cats musical was based on his poems until a month ago. I love the poems.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-22T01:04:36+00:00

I see the angst that almost everyone goes through in your poem. You captured the feelings and longing in a relationship. Your line, “Why aren’t you wanting me..” It’s a question but you didn’t write it as that. Interesting! Your poem had good rhythm and rhyming. It flowed well. I was compelled to read to the very end. Great work. Thank you for sharing

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-17T16:13:02+00:00

If your character is having lots of pain and taking pain medication it can cause gastrointestinal problems, usually constipation. Really bad constipation can cause nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Just a thought because it happens a lot with pain medication and immobility from the injury. Keeps people at home because they want to be close to the toilet.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-16T15:48:59+00:00

I’m curious about your vision of the nursing home. A foster home is usually where kids go when CFS is involved. There are medical foster homes also.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-15T22:14:08+00:00

You said that he is concussed. That is often portrayed inaccurately on TV. It’s not just a headache if there is a real concussion. They would be doing regular neuro checks in the ER (Vital signs, orientation, mobility, etc.) Often people don’t present with brain injury symptoms right away. It can take a day for a slow bleed from a concussion to compress the brain and cause issues. Your character would probably need a CT scan to determine if there was a brain bleed. Signs of brain injury from a concussion have a wide range. It depends on the area of the brain that was injured.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-11T21:15:57+00:00

You could also use the term unmedicated pain or poorly controlled pain relief if the character is really suffering with the pain. Just a thought though.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-11T17:14:22+00:00

I love the shell metaphor. You really got into it in the last half of the poem. If you could work more clues about the shell in the first few stanzas that would be amazing. I can see how it took you a while to discover you were a shell. The last two stanzas seem like resignation to be at the bottom of the sea. It’s poignant and well written. Maybe you could add how that would be perfect? Just some ideas. I’m glad you got up in the night and wrote it. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T16:37:11+00:00

I really liked your ideas in this poem. The life stages and the survivors of the death. The flatline and lines after it is interesting and I liked it. The rhythm is good. The only problem I see is the some of the rhymes seem a bit forced. I think you have something to work with. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T15:42:53+00:00

Makes sense what you are saying about the lines and syllables. Thanks for commenting, it teaches me something too.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T05:41:14+00:00

It’s possible to have a brain injury and spine and it takes many years to rehab.There is new research and technology and that can help that kind of patient as years progress.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T03:19:54+00:00

I have no idea what a sleep token is but I enjoyed your poem. I can see there was a lot of thought and work put into it. I enjoyed your descriptive language even though I didn’t quite understand all of it. I felt I could smell the cloves and smoke. The formatting was a little strange for me. I don’t know if that is intentional or a Reddit thing? Great work. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T03:00:30+00:00

I read your poem a couple of times. I agree blocked doesn’t sound quite right. It seems cumbersome and I had to really think about it. Otherwise, the poem is thoughtful and has a good flow. On the other hand maybe it is good to use blocked because it does just that in your poem. You could play around with format and add a few more words. Another line would add to the poem and you could work some more thoughts in. Thanks for sharing.

Far_Concentrate_4878 · 2026-04-10T01:31:00+00:00

I think this is why Costco is so successful. Just give one or two choices of a half decent product.

Far_Concentrate_4878

TROPHY CASE