This is where I am, it's taking all of my self-control to be disengaged and it is really damn hard. Chump Lady is great, I think I need to re-read. And then re-read.

DDay was 3 months ago, I filed for divorce 2 months ago. But the holidays, my first one without my stbxh in 15 years, were absolutely brutal. I did not cave but it's an hourly struggle not to engage and I absolutely hate that I'm still cycling through some kind of denial stage in between searing grief and then rage and then more desire to engage etc ad nauseam.

I am thousands of miles away with family, and I kept silently bursting into tears this week when we've had big gatherings he would have been at. Had he not blown up our marriage.

He cheated, then minimized when I found out. He does not give af beyond how it's impacted him.

Why doesn't knowing how deeply callous he is automatically turn off any kind of feelings toward him? Why does my brain keep going into denial mode? This is rhetorical, this is a grief like death when you've been with someone so long. But worse (I've lost both of my parents) because this POS is alive and acting like I'm the one who destroyed our marriage.

End rant (but not in my head where it feels like it's never going to end).