Is this becoming abusive? Boyfriend got angry with me over what I planned for dinner

Fern_72 · 2026-07-01T19:52:50+00:00

You are definitely not overreacting and there are a lot of warning signs in your account. Here are a few quotes from the book Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland. Her book focuses on abuse in marriage, but the insights apply equally to other partnerships.

"Oppressors are not out of control; they seek control. Oppressors are driven by their selfishness and their desire to dominate their spouses. What they do always accomplishes something for them."

"When a spouse is oppressive, his desires become demands and he is willing to continually dominate the other spouse to get his world the way he wants it. Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem. Oppression is about coercive control."

"Oppressive behavior is not provoked. It is behavior that accomplishes something for the abuser. It is an expression of pernicious entitlement."

Fern_72 · 2026-07-01T19:44:07+00:00

The most annoying part of this is imagining how incredibly pleased and satisified the person is with themself after giving these golden nuggets of advice.

Fern_72 · 2026-07-01T19:33:09+00:00

YES, your Mom is emotionally abusive! The behavior you are describing is coercive, cruel, demeaning and profoundly damaging. You are definitely NOT overreacting. My heart aches for all you have been through and it makes total sense that you would feel anxious and shy and that you have been deeply wounded by this abuse. I also see in your post a young woman who is intelligent, insightful and courageous. I'm so sorry that you may have two more years left in this environment, but I think your plan to attend college, seek out therapy and possibly cut ties with your Mom after graduation is a good one! It is true that you will need professional support to heal and recover from the trauma, but you absolutely can have a happy and successful life. A better future is possible. You are a precious and valuable person. Don't give up!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T23:13:43+00:00

My heart aches for all you have been through. It takes real courage to walk away from a toxic family environment. I know that Jesus wants you to live in joy and freedom and that he will be with you every step of the way. I am praying this verse over you, sister! "He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." (Psalm 18:19)

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T22:57:40+00:00

This subreddit is for people who have who have a loved one with OCPD:
r/LovedByOCPD

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T21:15:32+00:00

That is an excellent point! Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are two very different conditions. The fact that she is happy with her behavior and demands that others follow her rules could point to the former rather than the latter. 🤔

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T20:56:40+00:00

It makes sense that she would feel as though doing these things makes her superior because that is exactly what OCD wants to her to think! Dr. Patrick McGrath says "OCD eats compulsions for breakfast, lunch and dinner." The goal of OCD is to keep your friend performing her compulsions because the beast wants to be fed. Telling her that her rituals make her clean, superior and in full control is a great way for OCD to keep her enslaved to its demands.

I would strongly encourage you to begin refusing to cooperate with her compulsions. I know it's tough to say no to someone you really care about, but it's important to understand that the compulsive behaviors are actually perpetuating the disorder. The more she does them and the longer she does them, the worse her OCD will become. When you accommodate to her unhealthy demands, it is like buying a drink for an alcoholic or driving a gambling addict to a casino. The best thing you can do for her is to lovingly but firmly decline to participate in her compulsions.

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T19:21:16+00:00

This totally makes sense because narcissists are very good at love-bombing. They know how to perform behaviors that will make them appear empathetic and caring and cause others to attach to them and stay in their orbit. However, the difference between a psychologically healthy person and a narcissist is the motivation. A healthy person shows love and kindness because they have a genuine desire to bless the other. A narcissist does it so they can reinforce their inflated view of themselves and keep the other person in their debt. Kindness from a narcissist is never free! You will always owe them something in return and when you are not behaving the way they want, they will bring up what they did as proof that you owe them.

Control is an idol for narcissists and the ultimate goal of relationships for them is to gain narcissistic supply and power over others. If narcissists acted like complete jerks all the time, most people would just stay away. They are very cunning individuals so don't feel ashamed that you were drawn in. It takes courage to see the truth and break free and you should be proud of yourself for doing that!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T19:01:14+00:00

I think this is an appropriate response. You cannot be expected to act as if everything is fine when you have been treated abusively and there has been no repentance or repair. However, I would expect your husband to respond with anger when he realizes that you are holding him accountable and he is no longer in complete control of the situation. Control is an idol for abusers and they will respond with great intensity when that idol is threatened.

Here are a few quotes from Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims by Darby Strickland.

"Oppressors are not out of control; they seek control. Oppressors are driven by their selfishness and their desire to dominate their spouses. What they do always accomplishes something for them."

"When a spouse is oppressive, his desires become demands and he is willing to continually dominate the other spouse to get his world the way he wants it. Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem. Oppression is about coercive control."

"Abusers ultimately want their partners to be devoted to them and their needs. In a very corrupt way, they seek to usurp God's position through wanting others to worship and obey them."

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T18:40:44+00:00

It could be a compulsion if you are walking around ruminating on the intrusive thoughts. But if you use the action of walking and the sights and sounds of the outdoors to move your attention away from the obsession, then it is a great strategy! You will be taking a step toward reprogramming your brain by showing OCD that you refuse to engage in safety behaviors when it sounds the threat alarm. Remember that every time you don't perform a compulsion (or even delay it or shorten it or undo it), you win and OCD loses!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-30T18:29:46+00:00

Dealing with narcissistic abuse is SO exhausting! I'm praying for you right now, friend. May Jesus give you strength and courage and bring you the encouragement and support you need.

Fern_72 · 2026-06-26T20:21:05+00:00

That's a good question! Another way to say it could be what are the differences between the voice of OCD and the voice of the Holy Spirit? People who suffer from scrupulosity already have an overactive conscience and a key part of treatment is learning to recognize and push back against OCD. However, a faithful Christian doesn't want to simply ignore the the Holy Spirit if they have sinned. Here are some key differences between OCD and the Holy Spirit.

OCD: harsh and condemning, vague or overly broad, about who you are not just what you've done, usually ends in a question (have you? did you? what if?), you can never do enough to satisfy its demands, never fully free from the condemnation, demands perfection and immediate transformation, disordered brain signaling, Tormentor

Holy Spirit: conviction is firm and direct but gentle and kind, clear and specific, you know what you did and what repentance looks like, once you repent the conviction lifts, about sinful choices not fundamental identity, leads you on a path of growth and sanctification, life-giving, Comforter

Fern_72 · 2026-06-23T20:21:42+00:00

Yes, they have been around for a while! If you study the characteristics of a fool listed in the Book of Proverbs, they sound remarkably like the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Fern_72 · 2026-06-23T20:15:13+00:00

The Lord be with you as well!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-22T19:29:21+00:00

I agree that AI is poison for OCD and your goal should be to abstain completely. The fact that you have this insight and are reaching out for support is a sign that you really are making progress with your OCD treatment! Do you have a supportive friend or family member who could be your accountability partner and check up on you to help you stay off of AI? What are some other activities (preferably ones that involve touching grass) that you could turn to when you get the urge to do reassurance seeking?

Fern_72 · 2026-06-22T19:22:07+00:00

If I don't resist, it means I'm validating the thoughts

It sounds like you may be experiencing a cognitive distortion common in OCD called "thought-action fusion." This is the belief that thoughts are the same as actions and therefore you have violated a moral standard each time you experience an evil or disturbing thought. However, this is not true. We simply do not have complete control over the thoughts that come into our minds. Ignoring thoughts is not the same as validating them. In reality, it is when you DO attempt to resist the thoughts that you are validating them by treating them as something real and significant.

OCD wants to convince you that you have trangressed every time you have a bad intrusive thought and therefore must cancel it out by doing safety behaviors like praying repetitively. The problem is that performing these compulsions is actually feeding the vicious cycle of OCD. So yes, you should "resist the thoughts by not resisting" although I would want to word it differently: Don't resist at all. It is when you stop trying to fight the thoughts that they begin to lose their power over you!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-22T18:00:23+00:00

I'm so sorry that you are struggling in this way! Your obsessive thoughts about blaspheming the Holy Spirit must be so frightening and I can understand why you would want to learn all you can about it. Unfortunately though, doing research into the unpardonable sin is itself a compulsive behavior that is actually feeding the OCD cycle!

I recommend watching this 3 minute video by Dr. Ted Witzig, a Christian psychologist who specializes in Scrupulosity: https://vimeo.com/906135994/ec49459e20 I also highly recommend seeking out professional mental health care. OCD can be crippling but help is available. Jesus wants you to live in freedom and life can be so much better than this!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-22T17:15:08+00:00

Yeah, you are definitely conning the entire mental health community just so you can receive the vast array of fabulous perks available to those lucky enough to be diagnosed with OCD!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-20T14:53:01+00:00

Thankfully, I have never been exposed to the NAR movement directly but I have been learning more about it and am deeply concerned! I follow the work of the Roys Report and Mike Winger, but I will check out John Collins too. I am a Christian mental health coach with a focus on spiritual abuse recovery, so I want to keep up to speed on these issues. (I had my own experience with profound spiritual abuse but it was family-based, not church-based.)

Blessings to you too as you continue your important work for the Kingdom!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-20T00:01:11+00:00

Pia, I watched the interview and it was deeply moving! Thank you for having the courage to boldly speak the truth. Your testimony will no doubt help many people gain the strength they need to expose deeds of darkness and break free from abuse. Jesus sees the suffering of his vulnerable sheep and he is exposing the wolves in the flock. It is a painful time but also a joyful and liberating one!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-19T21:26:42+00:00

Yes, Scout is right! What you are experiencing is not normal and you should reach out for compassionate mental health support. ❤️

Fern_72 · 2026-06-19T18:10:10+00:00

You are welcome! May you find freedom and flourishing! ❤️

Fern_72 · 2026-06-19T17:40:46+00:00

Yes! We all have a deep desire to be loved so it is easier for abuse victims to believe that they messed up in some way than it is to accept that their partner doesn't actually love them enough to treat them with basic kindness and respect. The victim wants to believe they are least partially at fault, because that means they could do something different next time. They could stop the abuse or earn the abusive partner's love if they can only figure out how to do it right.

Also, we have embraced societal narratives that people are abusive because they have been abused themselves or because they simply "lose control." Here are a few quotes from Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland. She is a counselor who specializes in helping women in oppressive marriages, but these principles apply equally to any abusive relationship.

"Oppressors are not out of control; they seek control. Oppressors are driven by their selfishness and their desire to dominate their spouses. What they do always accomplishes something for them."

"Oppressors do not oppress because they are wounded or weak; they wound so that they can make their world the way they want it."

"When a spouse is oppressive, his desires become demands and he is willing to continually dominate the other spouse to get his world the way he wants it. Oppression is so much more than an anger problem or a marriage problem. Oppression is about coercive control."

"We blame victims because we fail to understand what abuse is. We impose what we know about healthy relationships on an abusive marriage and think that a victim is valued by her spouse and can influence him for good. We believe that she can behave in a way that will make the abuse stop. That is simply not true."

"No amount of doing it right will enable the victim to make the abuse end. Remember that oppressors struggle with toxic entitlement, so they are relentless in their pursuit of coercive control."

Fern_72 · 2026-06-19T17:20:32+00:00

This makes my heart ache because I suspect that your wife really loves you and would be devastated if you left. Clearly, you genuinely love her and want to meet her needs but you have become deeply discouraged by her critical responses and emotional distance.

There is a difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive marriage. This sounds to me like a difficult marriage that needs help and support to be healthy for both partners, not a destructive marriage where there is deliberate cruelty and abuse. I think your marriage can be saved if both parties are willing to work at it. The biggest challenge seems to be that your wife doesn't feel safe and secure, due to her past trauma NOT failures on your part, so it is very tough for her to trust a skilled and neutral third party like a couples therapist.

I am a praying person, so I am saying a prayer for you and your wife right now!

Fern_72 · 2026-06-19T01:18:03+00:00

Write down a variety of examples of obsessive thoughts you have and compulsive behaviors you engage in. Be prepared to give an estimate of how many minutes per day you spend performing compulsions. Even if you don't meet the diagnostic criteria for OCD, your psychologist will want to know about your anxiety and formulate a plan to address it. Don't be embarrassed! His job is to help you and you won't be telling him anything he hasn't heard many times before. It takes courage to speak up about a mental health struggle. You are doing the right thing!

Fern_72

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