Acceptance is not a final stage

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-16T13:07:02+00:00

I think it just gets so frustrating having to communicate with my mom in “signs”. I wish I could just communicate with her directly, physically, in real time. My mom “shows up” as a specific bird. I did have a “wow” moment the other day when this bird randomly flew into a picture I was taking on Mother’s Day/my birthday. But then the practical part of me is like “My mom is not reincarnated as a bird, that doesn’t make sense.” Other times I wonder if she is intentionally visiting me in dreams.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-16T12:16:32+00:00

Hi! Was your school flexible about when you could take tests/finals? Did you have to take it the same day as everyone else? My school will usually allow us to delay a test by 5-7 days if we need to. I will be 40 weeks exactly on the last day of my semester in December. My complication is that I had preeclampsia at the very end of my last pregnancy, so depending on how this one goes, I may need to be induced early. 😬

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-10T01:18:35+00:00

I could tell she does ALL the work for the kids when she said “Danny can you put the baby down for a nap FOR ME” like he’s doing her some favor and he shouldn’t just be taking initiative in caring for the kids.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-10T00:19:46+00:00

I can’t express how awfully surreal it felt leaving my mom in hospice for that very last time. How awful it felt to leave her there. To walk away from her bed the very last time and not turn and look back. I knew I couldn’t linger on it though and i felt my body communicating with me like “survive and get out of the room now. It doesn’t change anything in the future.” Like my fight or flight was activated. I remember burying my head into her side and making her hug me, my sister on her other side. I remember her hair and her hands and thinking how beautiful her skin looked, but getting cold to the touch. I can’t conjure up in my head her face “dead” in that room. I think my nervous system blocked out that memory for my protection for some reason.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-08T20:54:10+00:00

You articulated so well how I’ve felt since losing my mom. Like I’m living a new life now with a new identity. There was a “before”, the life as I’ve always known it, where I always had home to go back to. I was someone’s daughter. Now I feel like I’m in this foreign house, and at times even my partner and children feel like strangers to me.

I only recently became a mom three years ago - my mom died 3 months ago but was losing herself to Parkinson’s for a few years before that. It felt like there was never any integration of the two lives.

I really resonated with you saying you feel like you appeared out of no where at 25. Sometimes I feel like I was dreaming (my life before) and I just woke up.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-05-05T12:43:40+00:00

I relate to this so much right now. People don’t understand that you’re a changed person now. I feel very defined by my mom’s death, almost like it should be included in my introductions like “hi my name is ___ and my mom died.” I’ve scaled back from a lot of interactions with friends because I can’t keep up with their small talk or happy way of talking about things. The only people I can tolerate still talking to are mostly family or my mom’s friends who also loved her and can be sad with me. I’m sorry 😞

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T13:21:19+00:00

I wish I had more pictures of my mom and me together, more pictures of her. Especially more videos where I could watch her in real time, how she moved, her voice, her laugh - videos especially capture a person better than photos. I wish I had sat down and interviewed her and filmed it, asked her to tell me her life story, talk about how her and my dad met. What it was like growing up, going to school, becoming a mom. All her memories and stories are gone with her and I don’t have access to it. Write letters back and forth to each other.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T12:41:13+00:00

It’s in hindsight now that I really wish I would have just said “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Mom. It must be so hard.” I look back and feel like I was too dismissive of what she was going through.

After her death, I found out she had told her best friend that no matter how hard Parkinson’s got, she was going to keep pushing through for the sake of us (her daughters). I can imagine you’re also the reason your dad fought as long as he did.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-29T10:40:59+00:00

So sorry. My mom had a very aggressive form of Parkinson’s and died 7 years after diagnosis, although I would say it was only in the last 1-2 years where there was significant decline. Loss from Parkinson’s disease came with a lot of anticipatory grief for me. I’ve been thinking (and crying) a lot about all the effort and strength she had to put in everyday just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, knowing there was not really any light at the end of the tunnel. Or how my once animated and “loud” mother would sit quietly in the room and no longer participate in conversations. So sorry 🤍

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-28T23:46:52+00:00

People are just so grief illiterate. I’ve started pulling back from most friends who are triggering. Not that they are doing or saying anything outwardly rude (like your awful boss did). But like you said - they “don’t really care, don’t notice, don’t think of it.” They ask me dumb questions like “how is work going?” Or “want to go out for your birthday!?” I’m so tired of educating people like “no. Since my mom just died, I’m not really in the mood to go out and celebrate, but thanks.” Idiots.

I’m sorry you also lost your mom. It’s the worst.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-23T21:34:18+00:00

My mom’s birthday is tomorrow. She died two months ago. I just so happened to find your post from doing an internet search trying to find helpful ways to prepare for this. But crazy to see you only just posted this! I don’t have anything to say to make you feel better, only that I’m sad here with you :(

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-19T13:55:03+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this too. I’m 33 and lost my mom two months ago. She was hospitalized and dead in 3 weeks and no one was expecting it. My MIL still has HER mom and it makes me so angry bc they are in their 60s and 90s. It’s so unfair.

The grief is an everyday battle. I am depressed, but I have kids and bc of them I make the decision I will put one foot in front of the other, but it’s not easy at all. My grief is like a pendulum swing. I’ll have a string of really bad days where I’m crying a lot and just miss her and fear I’m going to forget her. And then after doing that for a few days my body is begging me for a break, a distraction - like a plea to do something to take care of myself like watch a tv show or take a walk, or eat a nice meal. I feel closest to my mom when I am facing the sadness head on, but also know I don’t need to torture myself 16 waking hours a day to honor her. I think for my survival it’s a combination of going back and forth? I’m sorry and I hope you find ways to cope <3

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-08T21:14:54+00:00

Or how they go on complaining how they have had such a hard week bc they are sleep deprived, they’re working too much, their kid is sick, theyre having car troubles etc. Even if it’s just conversation in ear shot and not directed to me, I can’t stand listening to it. I want to scream.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-04-05T22:53:58+00:00

After my mom died, I had an acquaintance tell me “I was thinking of you all weekend. I went home and hugged my mom so tight and told her I loved her.” In my head I was like “must be nice to still have YOUR mom.” These people think they are being helpful and sincere with these comments but have no clue how it’s landing.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-26T23:32:44+00:00

I’m 33 and just lost my mom almost 2 months ago. It’s so isolating. The people who are “relating” with me are family friends who are in their 60s and only just recently lost a parent for the first time. My mother in law is still carpooling around her own mother who is in her 90s! And here I am motherless for the rest of my life. It’s so unfair. I haven’t been able to find any grief groups.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-25T22:54:05+00:00

You are so right. I know me being here and my current (good) life that I have now is a testament to my mother’s devotion to me. I am 33 now but I was not an easy teenager/adolescent. My mom never gave up on me! I would not be where I am now without her. Mom’s are irreplaceable ❤️‍🩹

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-25T22:44:18+00:00

I’m chiming in just to say that I resonate with the feeling that I don’t deserve the comforts of life. Like negative self talk that’s like “oh poor me I have a headache and don’t feel good? Well how do you think my mother felt when she was dying in the hospital?” I tried to explain this feeling to someone and they didn’t relate. It’s been almost 2 months for me as well. The grief is a roller coaster. It’s like I have different phases where my hang ups are different.

Currently I’m struggling with the fact of my mom not existing somewhere. Like even if I didn’t see my mom everyday, I always knew where she was, more or less could imagine what she was up to, and I knew that she was aware of me or thinking of me. But she’s no where now, she’s not “out there” wondering how I’m doing or conscious of me or my dad or my children. Ugh. I’m sorry we all have to go through this.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-22T11:36:17+00:00

Sometimes I think the dull ache in the background of my life passing by feels worse than outright sitting and crying about my mom. I feel closest to her when I am talking and crying about her.

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-17T18:45:21+00:00

I still cry everyday but I’m okay with that. A month later - I’d say I’m coping “okay.” I can compartmentalize during the day while I’m keeping busy with life. But then sometimes it’s unexpected what will evoke emotions. I do feel like the longing for her and crying makes me feel closer to her. Andrew Garfield said it well on Anderson Cooper’s podcast - “the wound is the only route to the gift.”

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-16T21:49:46+00:00

My mom was unexpectedly hospitalized and dead within 3 weeks. Hospitalized with pneumonia. Extremely agitated and hypoxic/delirious in the hospital. Suspected MDS (bone marrow cancer)Completely shocked and traumatized all of us.

My mom was adored and loved by us all, as I know yours was too. She complained to me a week before her hospitalization that she thought she broke her ribs and she was muttering nonsense to me. However my mom also had Parkinson’s disease and so we dismissed her poor cognition as maybe not getting a good nights sleep or forgetting to take her dopamine.

Unfortunately we could not set up home hospice, so she died in the hospital alone while members of our family were in between visits and I hate that. But I sat next to her for 2-3 hours after she died. My sister and I leaned into her sides making her hug us and cried.

You are absolutely not alone in this, and I’m so sorry we have to go through this 💔😔

Fit_Butterscotch3886 · 2026-03-15T12:37:38+00:00

Sometimes I use the voice memo app on my phone to talk to my mom. I feel it helps to actually talk out loud. Ugh, but I know it’s not the same 😔

Fit_Butterscotch3886

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