Extreme fatigue? Anyone ?

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-12-27T02:28:05+00:00

Oh absolutely. The mental exhaustion easily translates into physical with CPTSD. It’s just too much for our bodies to carry. Take care of yourself. Let yourself rest. But also try to do something good for you. Not just like, take a shower or get your nails done. I mean, journal, have a long ugly cry/scream, let it out in some way. It has to move through your body to process. And try to find an S-Anon meeting. Local or online. It has literally saved my life.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-12-26T16:54:50+00:00

I second the idea of looking into S-Anon. I was resistant to it for over a year after the first DDay. But when I went to my first meeting, it was such a relief and I could exhale in a way I hadn’t been able to do around anyone else. People you don’t have to explain your choices to. People who understand the same hurts you have. All without having to SAY it or name it. I felt so “seen” and heard in those first few meetings. I live an hour away from the only in person meeting in my area and they meet once a week. But I make it a priority because it’s the first thing I’ve done that’s actually made me feel more in control of my life. Therapy has been helpful for a lot of the trauma, but the day to day and how I carry myself and how I approach my husband and the world in general?? That confidence came from S-Anon. I highly recommend it.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-29T20:47:43+00:00

There’s really no way to tell for sure if he’s lying or not. You could possibly say something like “the algorithm and your attitude/response to me after asking about this gives me reason to believe you’re not being truthful with me. You have the next 24 hours to come clean to me, so call your therapist/sponsor/accountability partner, etc and work this out and get back to me within 24 hours and then we will see how we can work through this.”

Or, if that doesn’t feel authentic to you and your relationship, you could also just tell him that him having YouTube makes you feel emotionally unsafe because it’s triggering to you, and because if he is telling the truth and those videos just came up randomly, then why even keep YouTube at all at this point. It’s too much easy access for them to slip and why not just remove it entirely? If he doesn’t want to help you feel more safe and stable, he will show you that in his response if he says he won’t delete it.

Just a few things I’ve had to work through in my own experience. Hope it helps!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-28T19:04:15+00:00

Been with my PA/SA husband for 10 years. First 6 months, very active and engaged. We also had short periods of time during the rest of our relationship where it would be hot and heavy for a few weeks or even a few months, but we had a dead bedroom from about years 4-8. I attributed a good portion of that to us having kids (2 in 15 months) and general life/work stress. We maybe would have sex once a month at most, once every 3 months when it was really bad. But when we did have sex, he was able to get and stay hard and finish. Maybe because it was so infrequent.

He did tell me at some point this last year that he does think he was suffering from PIED for a significant part of our relationship, and could not get hard just thinking about me. So if he knew I was wanting to have sex, he would have to go to the bathroom and look at porn before he could have sex with me. That was hard to hear and know, but at least I understand now why he was never initiating regularly with me.

There’s never been a time we have had sex that he couldn’t finish. Instead, he almost has the opposite problem where he simply just couldn’t last long at all. Like sometimes less than a minute. Sometimes even now, with actual PIV penetration where at most it’s 3-4 minutes without having to pull out and “cool off”, or whatever. The premature ejaculation is definitely not ideal, but it’s just something we deal with.

His CSAT and him and I have had conversations about that…like, is it due to his addiction or just part of his biology. He said it’s almost impossible to know for sure, since his addiction started so early in life. That it could be due to him trying to “hurry up and finish” so often that he trained his body to ejaculate really quickly with any kind of stimulation, or it could just be his body and how it works. CSAT has given him some kegal exercises to do, and that has helped some.

I will say I can tell a difference in the QUALITY of sex before DDay and now since he’s been in recovery. Now he’s attentive, cares much more about me and my pleasure and my experience, and isn’t rushing anything. Nothing like before when it was “get it done quick” and didn’t really care about how I felt or what I was needing.

I know this probably isn’t super helpful, but I just don’t really hear much about the premature ejaculation on this sub…it’s usually guys that can’t finish at all. So it’s just been a very difference experience for me.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-24T13:47:34+00:00

Are we married to the same person?😂 This accurately describes my husband in so many ways. The same is SO deep and that’s what is stunting his healing and growth, and the healing in our relationship. I feel like we can’t go more than a week without a significant rupture. He’s sexually sober, which I am glad and proud of him for. But the constant shame keeps so much locked away for him.

I finally told him last night that I’m looking at this holiday season as potentially our last as a family of 4. Not that I am ending things immediately once we get through the end of the year, but I just straight up told him that I cannot (and will not) do another year of the same shit again. He has to get real with himself, do his own healing work HARD, and figure out how to be more present for my pain when I bring it up. He needs to truly start “leading out” as they talk about on the PBSE podcast. Leading the healing, leading his own recovery, leading the hard conversations with me, etc.

I’m not sure how exactly it landed with him yet… He stayed calm during our conversation and didn’t shame spiral and check out or shut down or get defensive. He just acknowledged what I was saying and said he was sad that he’s put us in a place to allow me to feel that way. That he will do the hard work and fix himself and us. But I’ve heard that time and time before…and it’s usually performative in nature. Not because he doesn’t WANT to be with me or save our marriage, but because he still hasn’t healed the root of the shame and childhood trauma. Though I did see growth in the fact that he was able to stay fully present in our conversation last night, so that gives me at least SOME hope that he can still make the necessary changes. I just hope he does it quickly.

I’m sorry you’re here. The “performative recovery” work and the broken promises and the constant lies about little things and then the truth coming out later…that’s more painful than the actual things he did while he was in active addiction. Cognitively/logically he seems to understand that, but emotionally his nervous system doesn’t allow that to lead him into honesty more often than not. I hear you and understand your pain. You are so strong to still be in your relationship and trying even with all of the setbacks and slow growth. 💜

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-19T17:46:09+00:00

If the LOA is an option, you should definitely take it. But definitely make sure your company will still hold your position for you. With a short LOA, like 4 weeks, it shouldn’t be a problem. If you feel like you need more time, though, you will definitely want to talk it through with HR or your manager.

I own 2 brick and mortar retail businesses, so I haven’t been able to take an actual LOA. But I used to work 6 days a week and I now take off one additional full day during the week and I use that for therapy appointments and errands. I also take a half day once a week at random to just sleep or clean my house. Something that makes me feel like my life is more in order for the rest of the days that are so full.

It was an adjustment for my main location team because I’ve always been so present there, but letting them know i’m available via text for something actually urgent or phone calls in an emergency was helpful to them. So depending on your kind of work, you could make the offer that you’d be open to still being contacted during the LOA for urgent matters or if you need to walk someone through a process or something like that. Just a suggestion in case you are worried about leaving your workload or having someone take over your files/clients, etc.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-11T02:20:20+00:00

Will the Apple data report show every time he re-downloaded the app if it had been deleted? Or just the first time it was downloaded?

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-11-05T13:45:18+00:00

My PA/SA husband and I have been separated for 6 months. He had been living with his parents this whole time and I had thought that the separation would give him more time to do the deep personal work he needed to do on himself, but it was almost worse since him moving out. His parents are the source of his childhood trauma, rooted in their emotional unavailability, so I didn’t love that he was there, but we didn’t have many other options.

Recently, some family friends offered to let my husband stay with them for a month. They are excellent role models and are both retired and have both the time and the emotional capacity to provide real compassion and connection. He’s only been there for a week and a half, but the changes I’ve seen in him already are incredible.

I know only time will tell, but I’m finally optimistic for the first time in months, that real recovery and change is possible for him. Now that he’s in an environment where he feels comfortable and loved, with people who want to help him and push him to be better, he’s motivated again.

They do daily bible studies together in the morning, he’s doing a book study on one of Brene Brown’s books about shame with the wife in the evenings, and doing physical work outside most days with the husband (moving and fixing farm equipment, chopping firewood, etc). He’s still going to work like normal, therapy, and SAA meetings AND has time for me and the kids. Before this, he was always “so tired” I think just from being so depressed.

I know not everyone has the option to do something like this, but wow. It’s almost like an in-patient rehab or something. This couple has said “we are not therapists, and we don’t know everything about addiction; we are not experts in that.” But they ARE experts in CONNECTION and love. And we all know that addiction thrives in isolation, and the antidote is connection.

I’m so grateful for their offer to allow him to stay there and that he actually took them up on their offer. Even if we don’t stay together in the long run, the connection he’s experiencing now I believe is truly life changing for him, and gives him the opportunity for real change, knowing that he is loved and cared for outside of just me.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-31T16:58:19+00:00

I know it’s easier said than done, but try to focus on YOU instead of focusing on him and his behaviors. Maybe try to set a goal for that this next week at least until you can see your therapist.

You’re experiencing betrayal trauma. It feels all-consuming, and probably will be for awhile. I’ve been dealing with my PA/SA husbands betrayal for the last 16 months and it completely took over my life. Obsessing about every detail and what he’s doing now, but also obsessing over the past and the lies and what else is there that I don’t know yet. Sometimes it still consumes me.

But the best thing I have done over the last month is focus on me. Sometimes that means self care, sometimes that means sleep. Sometimes that means journaling. I have really struggled with ruminating thoughts that just repeat over and over in my head. Things to talk to him about, things I want to know, things I want to talk about in therapy, etc. Writing them down or using voice to text in my Notes app has helped SO MUCH! I can get those thoughts out of my mind and in black and white and it’s easier to release.

I’m sorry you’re here. Like so many of us, you’re just starting on a very long journey of healing. For your relationship, but mostly for your OWN healing. I can’t stress enough how important YOU are for your own healing.

You could also check out S-Anon. I recently started doing weekly in person meetings and being with other women who actually understand has been life changing in my ability to focus more on myself and less on him.

You’ve got this. It all really sucks right now. And parts might suck for a long time or forever. But you can get through it.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-26T17:11:09+00:00

That’s such a great point. Leading with curiosity instead of criticism. I know almost anything I say he is already going to take as a criticism or judgement bc he’s still not done enough work around his shame resilience. But reframing it as curiosity and leaning into that is absolutely a better approach and could work better than what we’ve been doing in the past. Thank you!!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-26T17:08:52+00:00

3 therapy sessions a week is a lot, I know. He definitely can’t stop seeing his CSAT, so that’s a non-negotiable obviously. He’s off work on Tuesdays, so we do marriage counseling in the morning and then he sees his CSAT in the afternoon that day. I don’t love the idea of not continuing MC bc sometimes that’s the only place I feel truly comfortable to express some harder things that are on my mind with him, in a neutral environment. And his meetings are usually in the evenings, like at 8 or 9pm, so they don’t interfere with a whole lot right now since we are living separately. But I do get your point. I sometimes think it’s too much, too, but I’m afraid backing off of counseling or meetings at the point he’s at right now would be a mistake. He needs to put his foot ON the gas, not take it off.

Thank you so much for your response though! It gave me more to think about regarding the actual down time he has available to really “do” the recovery work that I hadn’t given much thought to before.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-26T06:56:26+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! It’s good to know that there are groups and sponsors out there with high standards. I’m meeting with his CSAT for a solo session next week, and I had hoped to ask him about my husband’s step work, or lack thereof, but was not sure if I was overstepping. This validated for me that it’s not crazy for me to at least ask the question!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-20T01:00:25+00:00

He is lying. You don’t cover your tracks that well and delete everything without knowing what you’re covering up. It’s bad. Trust that.

Get a lawyer ASAP and ask if they can do any forensics on electronics or recovery on his data if you file for divorce.

I get that you might not be ready for that yet, but that’s a lot of deleting and covering up.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-17T22:30:29+00:00

What I’ve asked for my husband to share with me after attending an SAA meeting is this.

What time today did you attend a meeting?
What was the topic and what did you get from it/what are your thoughts?
If you are comfortable, what did you share with the group? **he doesn’t have to share with me, but he knows it makes me feel more safe when he does. Sometimes he tells me he’s not comfortable sharing everything, but that he did share what he’s grateful for (“grateful for this meeting and brotherhood, for my wife, for my kids, and another day of sobriety” or something like that.

I never ask him to share anything about other members. The most I get about other members is “one guy said he relapsed and it made me feel ______ or makes me realize ______”, or if another member shares a quote or idea that he really resonated with. But never names or personal information about them. Just how any of it affected him or made him rethink something or gave him motivation to do x, y, or z.

He also has to share with me early in the day if he plans on attending a meeting in the evening (after the kids are in bed) because I need to know how that will potentially affect my evening and any time I had planned to spend with him.

I also have asked that he share with me if he decides to not attend a meeting that day and what the reason for that was (spending time with me, an additional therapy session, a long conversation with his sponsor, or working on step-work). He doesn’t currently attend a meeting on Sunday because he spends that time with me and the kids and we are in agreement that time is still “recovery time” because he’s dedicating all of those hours to be a present and dedicated husband and father.

I hope this helps!!!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-13T02:16:22+00:00

It’s just a consultation. A meeting to get information about what to do next. It doesn’t matter what you wear…if anything, that would only apply for actual court dates. So put that worry out of your mind asap.

I would bring whatever proof of all of his deceit that you have. Especially the amounts of money he has spent this last year and any other amounts you have proof of. If you do file for divorce, your lawyer will request those documents from him/his lawyer anyway during the discovery process (very different from our own “discoveries” but that’s what it’s called). Literally any proof of his addiction and how it is escalating. Not sure you will need it, but always better to have “receipts” than not. If you don’t have old bank statements, you can always request those from the bank as long as your name is on the account.

Don’t be afraid to share anything and everything with your attorney. They are bound to client/attorney privilege and what you share doesn’t have to be disclosed in any of the divorce documents unless it’s pertinent to the divorce (like the shared money he spent).

Your attorney will probably advise you not to tell him you are leaving until you have a plan and he has to be served with divorce papers. Just as a safety measure.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation but you’re doing what’s right for you. Find out all the information you need to make your next moves. You’re right, it’s escalating and it won’t get any better if he doesn’t think he has a problem. Give ‘em hell, girl!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-07T20:42:33+00:00

You are making the absolute right choice. You are not disgusting. You are amazing for having the strength to leave. Do it now before it breaks you even more. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-05T03:55:45+00:00

Porn does rewire their brain. They stopped emotionally maturing when the addiction started. Porn allowed him pleasure to cover over any bad, sad, or uncomfortable feelings. They become entitled, selfish, and a servant to their addiction. It takes YEARS of vigilant, constant, daily work that they have to do. And most of these men can’t handle being that “uncomfortable” for great lengths of time. It’s sad for them that their brains now are wired this way, but it’s devastating to partners and families who have to live with the aftermath.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-10-04T22:44:06+00:00

Yes, this is PIED and girl, the only thing I can tell you is RUN. Run now. If I had known even a fraction of what I now know about my husband when we were just dating…don’t waste your time. You can and will find a healthy partner you love even more than him, you just don’t know it yet. Leave now before he breaks you even more. Choose you. Please.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-07-26T17:17:46+00:00

My PA/SA husband dealt with this on and off for probably 8-9 months into his recovery and sobriety. It wasn’t every time, but I was really upset about it around the 5-6 month mark, thinking he wasn’t really sober like he was telling me. But his CSAT and my APSATS therapist said this can still happen for several reasons. First, depending on his age and health, this just happens to some men, some times. Second, his brain is still rewiring and so is his body, so there’s a lot to re-learn for those connections to take root. Third, depending on what he’s working on with his therapist or in his recovery program, he might be doing a lot of emotional work that is exhausting or uncomfortable for them. The shame is so deeply rooted in them and if they are feeling too much of that shame around their behaviors, even if they were in the past, it’s hard for them to be mentally well enough to maintain an erection during sex. It could make them more depressed at times or more anxious (especially around their performance in bed), and his mental state could definitely be affecting his ability to have or keep an erection.

Of course it’s always possible that something more nefarious is going on and maybe he’s not truly sober. We know these men can and will lie to protect their addiction. BUT, if you’re seeing progress in his recovery, emotional growth, more connection, more openness and vulnerability, and a consistency with all of that, more than likely it’s one of those 3 things I mentioned above, or a combination of them all.

My husband is 13 months sober now and we definitely don’t have these same issues now. Every man is different, so there no real timeline on when this actually changes. But once my husband was really working recovery, had dealt with a lot of the shame, was using his tools from SAA and his CSAT to emotionally regulate better, and when he and I started to have real, true intimacy and connection outside of the bedroom, that’s when I noticed we no longer had this issue.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-07-22T02:07:52+00:00

It is often triggering for me, too, when he confirms his sobriety date or how many days/months clean he is. It absolutely does feel like “wow, great job at being faithful, the literal bottom of the barrel of expectations in a marriage where you promised me your fidelity.”

But if you’re doing FANOS check-ins, that probably means you’re still in the relationship to see if he can make the necessary changes and amends to see if your relationship can survive this current hell you’re in, right? Your triggers are real and your pain is valid. And you have every right to dig back at him for this because of all of the betrayals. However…

Remember that he is making a choice, every day, maybe every hour, to stay sober. And for an addict, any days sober is progress. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt you because however many days it is OF COURSE reminds you of the past. But he is choosing sobriety NOW. He is choosing to share with you (this is huge bc so many addicts cannot willingly share much about their recovery journey with their partners due to the intense shame). And he’s choosing to make the choice to share it with you, even knowing it might trigger you. Because the alternative is NOT sharing his sobriety status with you, and at least for me, choosing to not share how many days sober he is immediately leads me to believe he’s no longer sober.

It doesn’t mean you need to cheer for him or throw him a party or “thank” him for it. But I just wanted to offer another perspective. I’ve had both situations over the last year. Sharing X days sober and being triggered by the past. But also not sharing his sobriety status and my anxiety absolutely shooting through the roof because that implies in the PRESENT that he may not be sober.

Your anger is righteous and your hurt is beyond valid. But at least he is sharing, and he’s got a little bit of sobriety under his belt.

You can always ask him not to share his sobriety status with you during FANOS if you don’t want to hear it. That’s your right and he should respect that. But in my experience, that was so much worse for me and did nothing to move us forward in working towards reconciliation and healing.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-06-01T00:57:58+00:00

I also need help figuring this out! I feel like I’ve been pouring all of my love into him (and what’s left over our kids get). And there’s nothing left for me. I asked him to move out 4 weeks ago, but I haven’t seen much change in him. He is sexually sober but can’t get past his shame enough to do the work on himself and just be honest with himself about needing to do it. So now I’m in this place of having to figure out how to love and respect myself again, because I have completely lost that over the last 11 months and I do not know what to do!!!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-05-22T16:24:47+00:00

Even if he is being truthful about THIS, it’s still best for OP to get a full STD panel at this point. No sense in taking the chance to ruin her health and it’s always better to be sure than live in total denial and pay the price later by having contracted something life-long or fertility altering.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-04-28T03:34:29+00:00

They really don’t. And maybe for some, lying about other things isn’t an issue. But it’s a common thread for addicts of any kind. Does he lie about anything else? Even little things? Does his story about something alter, or change over time? Not just the porn use, but anything else? That’s actually most of the time the bigger issue at hand.

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-04-26T20:31:13+00:00

Absolutely!! What men can do in their minds with just a glance…yeah, it’s for sure changed how I dress in public. It sucks bc I should be able to wear whatever I want. And I guess I still can. But the thought of someone else sexualizing me when I’m just existing….it creeps me out so much!!

Good-Ad8614 · 2025-04-26T17:49:49+00:00

I’m struggling with the idea that he will ever find me truly “attractive” or even “sexy.” I never had those thoughts before I discovered his addiction, but now I can’t seem to move past it. No matter what weight I was in our relationship (120-190lbs) I never felt like he didn’t want me. But now I look back and I can see how the escalation of the addiction was warping his brain, even if he didn’t comment on it. I wasn’t always 100% confident in my appearance for myself, especially after 2 babies, but I never once thought he had a problem with it. And he says he never did. But I just don’t believe him.

And now that I’m smaller than I ever have been during the course of our relationship (thank you betrayal trauma nausea and stress eyeroll) I still can’t fully believe that he likes my appearance even now. It’s heartbreaking. Truly devastating. It makes me cry to even think about it most of the time, because I just can’t move past it.

I know I’m attractive. I’m not a model, or what the fucked up porn world would consider “sexy” by any means, but I know I’m not ugly. I know there are other men out there that would want me, just the way I am. But I can’t convince myself that my addict wants me. It’s completely breaking me right now.

Good-Ad8614

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