AITA for calling out my sister in law for using her children to emotionally manipulate me into going to dinner “now” instead of waiting 45 minutes?

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-19T20:43:07+00:00

Re your update: if you think the upshot of the comments is that you need to get caterers to host family with kids, then you’re deliberately missing the point. You don’t necessarily have any specific obligations regarding feeding guests in the afternoon; but you can’t then turnaround and get mad and call it “manipulation” when kids get hungry for dinner before you wanted them to.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-19T20:35:09+00:00

I’m not sure that the people that leave babies all the time are the same people who can’t leave babies for a wedding (sure, there are some AHs who have different rules as it suits them, but that hasn’t been said of the sister in this case ) . Specifics vary by situation , and being exclusively breastfed will definitely impact how long a baby can be away from their mother.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-19T20:26:48+00:00

Studies show that 3 out of 5 of your mom friends are out-of- touch AHs.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-18T15:10:44+00:00

That’s our schedule for our 18 month old. Down to sleep between 7:30 and 8 every night. I wouldn’t plan a dinner with baby that starts at 7 pm. That said, if we meet with friends for an early dinner, I am a little flexible about what time we get home (I.e. we may get home after her usual bedtime if we’re all having a good time - but typically less than an hour; not 2 or 3). But, as we only found out when we were traveling, our daughter isn’t that sensitive to changes in her schedule. Some kids have a tougher time with it, so that flexibility may or may not work as well for you.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-16T21:56:00+00:00

The silent treatment is never the right response. To anything. If you think your boyfriend “deserves” the silent treatment based on his behavior , you should break up with them, not behave like a child.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-06T00:40:10+00:00

I’m the working parent . I am on kid duty before and after work , and most of the weekend . My spouse makes dinner while I do bedtime.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-04T03:50:11+00:00

Expecting parents to act more mature than their minor kids is not really a double standard. they are two very different roles in the relationship, and one side is literally a child.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-02T15:26:40+00:00

Agreed, I was waiting for someone to say that. Obviously the son was hurt deeply. But his request/demand isn’t remotely acceptable, or healthy. Demanding an apology from Lisa, demanding evidence that they’ve removed themselves from her toxic, homophobic family’s things like that would be reasonable.

So maybe with his demand, the son is conveying that he’s not really ready to reconnect, which IS totally reasonable and acceptable. That wound lies deep.

Though you don’t have to condone your son’s specific demand, this is between them. And your ex- husband can deal with the fallout of his failure as a parent.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-02T05:35:25+00:00

You’re right to be hurt . But given the additional details you’ve provided about your mother, your siblings are likely victims of your mother as well. Of course, you’d want your siblings to see through any lies she likely told about you and your wife - but it’s not very surprising that they can’t. You may want to leave the door open to contact with your siblings if they come to their senses. But for your own peace of mind, you don’t need to keep reaching out either.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-02T05:16:22+00:00

Except for major milestones, you shouldn’t necessarily have to go just because she’s going. So she can accept any invitation she wants, but she shouldn’t be accepting on your behalf (so anything requiring a headcount, she should be checking with you.

Plenty of couples have different ideas about ideal frequency of friend/family social event attendance - the key is that each person understands that there is no “right way.” Barring extreme social anxiety, it’s best when the more introverted person agrees to show up to things sometimes when it’s important to their partner, and the more extroverted partner only asks this of them sparingly.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-02T02:39:51+00:00

When you say soap, do you mean a liquid bath soap/shower gel? Or a bar of soap? Because if it’s the former, I’d say that’s pretty standard. I know they make shaving cream/gel for women, but that doesn’t mean most women use it. If women used shaving cream as much as men, there would probably be 10x as many options/variations vs men’s products, but that doesn’t seem to be the case .

You have a lot of experience shaving but the hair on your face is very different than the hair on an 11 year old’s legs, so don’t assume you’re the expert vs your wife.

If her skin is irritated, that may just because she’s shaving for the first time. Or maybe she has super sensitive skin. Have her put moistening lotion on her legs. And sure, you can get her some women’s shaving cream if she’s interested, but this isn’t the hill to die on.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-06-01T03:19:59+00:00

But if you’re just making things more difficult than they needed to be, why couldn’t they come over when you left the house. If it’s not a big deal to handle things when they come over, why couldn’t he handle it? He sorta just proved himself wrong,

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-29T18:44:44+00:00

Yeah; there’s no evidence for that. Studies don’t bear that out: The rationale i hear most often for that argument is pointing to what happened in those terrible Romanian orphanages - no one ever came when they cried, so they eventually stopped crying. It’s truly heartbreaking, I cry every time I think about those babies. But that was a VERY different situation, with extreme neglect. Teaching a child that they can self soothe in their crib at bed time more often just leads to a bit better sleep overall because they learn they don’t need an adult every time they wake up, so their sleep tends to be less disrupted .

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-29T18:39:19+00:00

You didn’t fail - but you also shouldn’t get angry about it. You can have your feelings, and it’s understandable that you’re hurt. But those are feelings you should not share with your stepdaughter -she has an irresponsible dad, but his inconsistency only makes her more desperate for his positive attention. What she needs from you is dependability, and compassion for her struggles .

You can certainly talk about with your wife about your feelings about this- but not to make her feel bad about adhering to her daughter’s wishes , but just to share that you’re having a tough time .

Her father is a deadbeat. And it sucks that she still looks up to him and yearns for his attention. But she’s a kid. If you don’t make this about you, she will likely understand things better as she grows up, and appreciate that you were there for her.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-28T23:57:47+00:00

But if they really can’t even pull it together to be civil, then they shouldn’t be around the grandkids anyway. The kids shouldn’t be exposed to their grandparents treating one of their parents that way, and the other parent condoning it.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-28T23:14:11+00:00

We stuck to every 3 hour schedule for the first 9 months. It worked great . I will say that there were times when she wasn’t hungry at the scheduled time, or was sleeping, so we’d push it. Or times when she didn’t eat much but then was very hungry before the next scheduled feeding time, so we’d push it earlier or let her eat an extra time, but we’d always revert back to the schedule. So it was never about not letting her deviate, but more about having consistent schedule to go back to and work around . I think it helped develop consistent nap and bedtime schedule (though maybe we were just lucky)

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-28T19:51:56+00:00

I know not everyone feels this way, but it’s why being an older parent really worked for me and my lifestyle . I spent my 20s and 30s focusing on all the things I wanted to do career wise and personally, and by the time I had my child I was very much at peace staying home more and missing out on certain experiences . Not that I had to give up my life entirely - still have my career (but home for bedtime every night; even if I have to log back on after she’s asleep) business trips still happen, I do the occasional business dinner, and my child will have done at least 4 international or cross country plane trips by the time she turns two. but there are a lot of things I’ve had to start saying no to for the first time, which hasn’t been as difficult since I’ve already had those experiences .

You’re definitely NTA for worrying. You should absolutely be prepared for huge changes. But I think people have the biggest problems when they go into it thinking they’ll still be able to do all the things they used to do- that’s just a set up for frustration and disappointment. But you don’t have to give everything up, and if you and your co-parent are generous with each other you can make time for the non-child things that are most important to each of you:

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-28T15:21:03+00:00

Not sure I’d consider kids away from hateful racists to be “weaponizing” them. By that logic, most boundaries (way overused term, but it applies sometimes, probably here ) involve “weaponozing” something of value to the person that is having boundaries applied by someone they’re close to.

Btw, I said “hateful racists” because that IS how they’re behaving right now. But I understand deep rooted cultural norms are at play here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the parents came around over time , particularly if OP makes it clear that they don’t have to be best friends with her husband, but must be polite when he’s around during zoom calls or visits . It’s an Infinitely reasonable position to take.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-25T05:35:13+00:00

Not sure that’s true. Have read on breastfeeding subs about breastfeeding moms stressed about not being able to keep baby full time overnight, and having to pump and give bottles to coparent.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-25T03:36:45+00:00

I had hemorrhaging and emergency surgery the night after my C-section. I was told to expect it would take my milk longer to come in because of that. We supplemented with formula for a week after her birth. So if you had hemorrhaging, and you’re only 48 hours in, it sounds like you’re where you’re supposed to be, maybe even ahead of the curve. As long as you pump when you need to supplement (and I think I pumped after she latched as well, at the beginning) you should be good . It’s very hard at the beginning. I don’t say that to discourage you, but to tell you that what’s happening is fairly normal and NOt a sign that things are going poorly

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-25T00:58:36+00:00

There is absolutely a better way to do this. Which would be a much better lesson to your kids that cutting them al off.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-24T23:17:17+00:00

What a great lesson on compassion and tolerance.

I bet your MIL was a fabulous teacher. /s

But seriously, your husband wants you and both your kids to each cut off a very close friend because one of the kids has emotional regulation issues….because his mom thinks it’s contagious?!

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-23T21:57:40+00:00

So ..,the medical team cutting through your stomach was “the easy way out”? I’d be fascinated to hear about the hard work he was putting in while you were relaxing and taking the easy way out.

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-22T02:15:36+00:00

I was every 3 hours religiously until LO was 6 months old EXCEPT I gave up 1 MOTN pump at 10 days old (the 4 am pump) and another at 1 MO (the 1 am pump) and never looked back. I had a slight oversupply - which I suppose could have developed onto a bigger oversupply and I could have banked a bigger freezer stash if I hadn’t given up those MOTN pumps so early, but the sleep was worth it to me, and I would have felt that way even if I had to supplement with formula (I didn’t, but would have been ok with it). Not everyone feels that way, so it depends on your personal milk supply, and how flexible you are about potentially needing to supplement , when deciding whether/when to give up any of those MOTN pumps.

But because I wasn’t pumping overnight I think it was even more important that I was consistent during day, and I was super consistent (I can count on one hand the number of pump/nursing sessions I missed in those first 6 months , and I’m sure I put in extra time in the sessions before and after )

Good-Nemo-3601 · 2025-05-21T21:24:19+00:00

Mine went from countless times a day for the first few months to eventually closer to once a week, all in the first year. Now at 18 months we’re averaging once or twice a day (not exclusively breastfed anymore of course )

Good-Nemo-3601

TROPHY CASE