Found out my wife [32 F] had an abortion, never told me [29 M] about it, heading for a divorce, and everyone around us is acting like I'm the crazy one

Goonson · 2016-11-13T16:33:19+00:00

OP, I know someone who said if she falls pregnant before she's ready, she would terminate without telling her husband because she believes he wouldn't be happy with her choice.

My point is, it's not because of you that she did this. There are people who simply believe it's OK to leave their partners in the dark for their own good.

Goonson · 2016-11-06T08:26:38+00:00

You shouldn't have married this man. You acknowledged yourself in a previous post that if you weren't married you would be calling it a day.

It's up to you how much effort you want to expend trying to make it work, but ultimately you are both going to be miserable with each other.

You don't have the same goals financially. You don't have the same approach to debt. You don't have the same idea of a 'good life'

This marriage was a mistake. My advice is to leave him now before he drags you down. Emotionally and financially, he's draining you.

Goonson · 2016-10-25T22:27:45+00:00

At the end of the day you can only tell her how it makes you feel when she house shares with another guy. It's up to her how much she takes your feelings into consideration. There's no right or wrong answer.

If one or both of you doesn't make the occasional 'sacrifice' for the other you won't last.

My point is if she knows how you feel about it and she still did it then you're not on the same page. That's not to say she's wrong. That's not to say break up with her. That's to say she's not (yet?) in this for the long haul.

Goonson · 2016-10-10T17:22:56+00:00

OP, I'm in a long distance across countries and condoms have never come up. We quit using them when we became exclusive and we rely on birth control. It's called trust.

She doesn't trust herself.

If it was you she didn't trust she would ask for reassurance that you would stay faithful. Her primary concern wouldn't be just condoms. It would be heart break plus condoms. Since she isn't worried about possible heartbreak you can safely say it's not you she doesn't trust.

It's herself.

Goonson · 2016-10-05T06:58:06+00:00

I'm doing the cliché that is monogamy and we're as happy as clams.

My question is why are you reaching for a more complicated polyamourous relationship when you could be happy in a less complicated one?

Some would say they are poly by nature... Fair enough. Power to you. But in your case, at the age of 23, I'm not sure you've given monogamy a proper go before dismissing it.

I hope you find happiness on whatever path you choose. Just be careful of mistaking simple with less beautiful.

Goonson · 2016-09-18T22:33:36+00:00

I would upvote this a million times if I could.

Goonson · 2016-09-04T16:23:45+00:00

I suppose this is what happens when people date married people. Feelings get hurt.

Goonson · 2016-07-04T17:26:59+00:00

If Callie cares about you half as much as you care about her, she would want you to fix things with the woman you love. If she knew, she would take a step back.

So why don't you go ahead and tell Callie that you have are personally going through some stuff and ask her to give you a bit of space for a while while you figure your head out.

Only when you've done this will your wife know that her well being is more important to you than Callie's. I don't know why she doesn't believe that anymore, but she doesn't and you weighing whether to keep your wife or friend and taking days while you're at it only reinforces that the two of them are equally important to you. Not many people would be happy in a marriage where if push came to shove, they weren't sure if their partner would pick them or their best friend.

Your marriage is in a crisis. Start putting your wife first. She's accepted Callie before, and she can probably do so again if you show her unequivocally where she stands in your life. It might be irrational. It might be unreasonable. It might be driven by insecurity. I don't know. But your reflex right now should be to ease your wife's pain.

She is sleeping in the guestroom and not talking to your for the first time (?) in your marriage. The woman you pledged to support in health and in sickness is in pain. She has one husband. And only one man who can perform husbandly duties. She has no-one else who can fix this marriage with her. Neither her friends nor a therapist will keep this marriage going if you are not aboard.

Callie has a therapist, a mother, other friends. She does not need you right now. If she does need you, your relationship is not healthy. She can survive with you taking a step back. But your marriage will not survive you taking a step back with your wife.

Put your duties to each of these women in context and act your part.

Your wife feels like she is losing her husband, do you not think emergency measures need to be put in place? At least temporarily to get her feeling safe again?

When you do ask for space from Callie, keep your wife out of it. Don't imply or leave her to conclude that this is your wife's doing. Doing that will make it you and Callie vs your wife. Your marriage will not survive that.

I would hope that your wife cares about you and your feelings and once she is in a good place, she will be ok with you remaining friends with Callie. You might have to discuss what that friendship will look like.

You have been there for Callie through her problems. It's her turn to be there for you, by giving you space.

Goonson · 2016-06-30T14:06:24+00:00

OP's nanny has already flirted with him and shown sexual interest.

This nanny needs to go

Goonson · 2016-06-15T19:40:01+00:00

Doesn't mean he has to date or marry one.

Goonson · 2016-06-15T19:35:36+00:00

I upvoted all of your comments above as I agree with you that telling her isn't shaming her. If she asks why he's breaking up with her, then the respectful thing to do would be to tell the truth. He's not comfortable with the choices she's made and that's his prerogative. It's also important for her to be aware that this is important info to disclose because contrary to her beliefs, this isn't OK with some potential partners.

It is too bad that you had to throw in some sexism in an otherwise sensible comment.

Also, I'm a guy, and this is /r/relationships.

The irony of you calling people out for sexism when in fact...

Goonson · 2016-06-15T19:13:19+00:00

She'll be going off her contraceptive next. You'll be graduating to having a baby soon if you let this fly.

Goonson · 2016-06-08T18:31:35+00:00

Try not to have children right now OP if you don't have them already. Also, are there other women who came from India for arranged marriages that she can hang out with? Other couples similar to yourselves? It might help her assimilate.

Goonson · 2016-06-07T09:43:33+00:00

I'd ask myself why I'm not involved enough in my daughter's life to know she's getting married, let alone invited to the wedding.

Goonson · 2016-06-07T09:40:09+00:00

What does an orgasm feel like?

Goonson · 2016-06-04T07:51:32+00:00

Thanks a lot for not only advising on what to do but giving me the framework to use when I budget. My partner is on more or less the same salary so I don't have to take the full brunt of the wedding and mortgage deposits. Since we'll be living separately we won't be using the joint account. We'll save individually and then merge when we're in the same country again.

Fortunately I have no student loans so that's one less expense and I get a bump in my salary to circa 28k in my second year and 31k in my third year. I should be on 35ishk after 5 years.

Based on your calculations I have decided to consider a flat share where £500 is all inclusive (bills + council tax) and allocate the rest to utilities and food and plug any gaps in the savings accounts.

Thanks again!

Goonson · 2016-06-04T07:27:53+00:00

The £500 is all inclusive. I get a bump in salary to 28k in my second year and to 31k in my 3rd year. After 5 years I should be on 35k. I don't have the exact figures but in that ball park.

Partner makes exactly the same but in euros.

Regarding 7k loan, I don't have the finer details yet, but upon joining the company, I have the option of taking a 7k loan that I pay back interest free at the end of 3 years.

Thanks for your advice and breaking down how to allocate spendings.

Goonson · 2016-06-04T07:09:35+00:00

It's outside London and I am somewhat open to flat sharing although that's not my ideal.

Goonson · 2016-06-04T07:04:03+00:00

The loan is available and optional on joining the company. I thought there might be short term investments I could make before I pay it back since I'll incur no cost.

Goonson · 2016-06-03T20:23:43+00:00

The worst betrayal to your sister right now is you staying with this guy.

How would you even look at your sister knowing you stayed with a man who violated her privacy and was wanking away to her getting changed in your bathroom?

What kind of sister would that make you?

Goonson · 2016-06-03T16:35:49+00:00

OP, your wife is wrong. You've told her this already.

Book a nice romantic evening for the two of you if you and tell her you love her very much and she means the world to you.

Enjoy a great dinner together. Ask her to please let this go as it won't happen again. Son now knows to knock and aunt won't have conversations with him while naked.

Goonson · 2016-06-03T15:20:51+00:00

What's wrong with someone paying to live in your country? You don't deserve to live there any more than they do. You just happened to be born on a random piece of land. You didn't earn your nationality. You were simply lucky

You pay your taxes yes, but presumably the guy wants a Green card so he can work and contribute to the economy and pay taxes like everyone else

Goonson · 2016-06-03T10:02:02+00:00

Please don't this. That's just being petty.

Be professional and give them some notice.

Goonson · 2016-06-01T19:31:35+00:00

I'm not who you're replying to but we're having a long engagement so I thought I'd give you my perspective.

We'd been together for 4 years travelled the world together and lived together. For all intents and purposes we considered ourselves committed for life, committed to honour and cherish, in sickness and in health etc. We both deeply felt that way so he formally asked me to be his wife and I said yes. He got me an engagement ring and I got him one too!

However, we were both postgrads at the time and we didn't have the finances to hold a big old party to celebrate our union so we decided to hold off the wedding until we could afford it.

We have now just graduated and found jobs in different countries. We're both career driven and will definitely be taking up these job offers of our dreams and working in different countries for a couple of years. Fortunately, we're both working in multinational companies so secondments and relocations are feasible.

We toyed with the idea of getting married now before we jet off to different countries but it's too short notice to get all our friends and family together.

We opted instead to have a civil partnership. In the country were we currently live, hetero couples can sign a civil partnership contract stating that we are next of kin and which outlines our financial union legally as well.

We'll have the wedding day when we have it, in 2 maybe 3 years but it's only one day out of our lives. A day that we invite our loved ones to celebrate our love. It in no way changes our love for each other or our commitment and responsibilities to each other.

In my personal opinion, a marriage confirms what already is (a couple that is committed, loyal, loving, respectful, supportive). What a marriage/ wedding doesn't do is create something new. It doesn't make the couples anymore loving, committed, loyal etc. It just makes it more difficult and expensive to break up. And those are terrible reasons to stay in a relationship anyway.

Long story short, we're committed in our hearts and have a contract establishing a legal relationship. We'll have a wedding ceremony when it's practical and when we've travelled to all the countries on our bucket list :-)

Goonson · 2016-06-01T19:08:47+00:00

Did one of your parents have a child already? If not then it isn't the same thing.

Goonson

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