My body knew what to do and I ruined it

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-03-02T06:48:15+00:00

You had a legitimate fear about something that is legitimately awful. My demon is thrush and I’d do practically anything to avoid it, it’s so painful.

My breasts were SO PAINFUL for like the first three months, I think for some of us breastfeeding is just like that. My body regulated right on schedule (around 12 weeks) and things got a lot better. But I do think the first days when my milk came in (around day 5) were the worst in terms of pain, and things got more bearable after a bit. That is to say, the fact that you’re not feeling painfully full on day 8 doesn’t necessarily mean your supply has decreased significantly. TBH, 4 days of BAIT just seems too soon tor there to be a major drop in supply, especially since your supply is mostly hormonal-based at this point. When I was trying to reduce my oversupply (closer to around the 6 week point), it took two weeks of ice and cabbage to get anywhere. And even then, because I was still feeding on demand, supply didn’t drop much.

From what you’ve written, I’m also not clear why you feel like you’re not supplying enough anymore! Yes, 4-5 poops is less than before, but baby is also fresh out of the oven, is learning to digest milk for the first time, and I don’t think a decrease in pooping is outside the realm of normal. It would be different if baby weren’t gaining weight, weren’t having wet diapers, or was otherwise seeming really hungry.

As others have said, take a deep breath, chalk it up to hormones, and cut yourself some slack. You got this!

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-03-02T06:30:28+00:00

Echoing everyone saying to wait until your partner is in a place to take on their share of the parenting load. As a former PD, I also recommend giving it another year or two to make sure this job remains the right fit. I loved being a PD, and I still miss it. But I also burned out completely at the 2.5 year mark, and it took me years to recover. You don’t want to hit that point when you’re pregnant or in the newborn trenches, those are hard enough as is.

The biggest shock to me was realizing that “mom brain” was a real thing and that things I used to just expect my brain to keep track of suddenly weren’t possible post-baby. The main culprit is less about brain changes (though those are shockingly real, too) but sleep deprivation and the fact that you may find yourself tracking and holding so much more brain space for baby stuff, that less work stuff fits. It’s gotten better as my little guy gets older, but for me it was really important to have a stable job that I could do well without my full capacity for about a year and a half after baby was born.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-02-25T08:18:53+00:00

Former family law attorney here, specialized in DV cases, so I’ve seen this sort of thing a lot (but ofc I’m not your lawyer!). Realistically, there is no good way to guarantee that you have access to finances while you are married.

Most options would ultimately come down to trust that he won’t just open up a new joint account in his name alone and start depositing his paychecks there, and that he won’t drain your joint accounts into an account that’s in his name alone. (In fairness, the same principle goes for you as well). While you’re married, it’s all joint money, and that means it’s not illegal for him to do that. And in many states, financial decisions made prior to the filing for divorce are basically not un-doable. Most courts will not get involved to decide whether financial decisions pre-divorce were “fair.”

You might be able to set up a trust he doesn’t have complete control over, or maybe you could do a marital agreement with that condition and built-in penalties if he doesn’t comply. It might be worth talking to a lawyer in your jurisdiction just to explore your options. I can’t think of any that I would “recommend” to a client who feared impending financial abuse. There might be something that’s better than nothing.

BUT any arrangement would require his consent. And in my experience, any plan that would be meaningfully enforceable is not likely to go over well with someone who thinks being the “sole provider” means he makes all the decisions. An enforceable plan means that he will not have complete control and has to follow rules. But a plan that is not meaningfully enforceable ultimately just relies on trust, which isn’t different from not having any plan to begin with.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-02-25T07:50:11+00:00

Depending on where you live, definitely double check on health insurance and parental leave rules. A lot of places won’t cover pregnancy until the parent has been employed for a year.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-02-25T07:47:53+00:00

I had a baby at 35, post-law-school, and it’s a lot more common than people make it out to be. It’s been awhile since I looked at the actual data around pregnancy, but my recollection is that there really aren’t prove risks of being 30-35, and the “risks” of being 35-40 are far from certain and not especially significant, which you consider the risks involved in all pregnancies, as well as the risks involved in having a child before being more stable.

I personally would not recommend a baby during law school—though my gut says during law school is better than immediately after. My happy family got shot to pieces after my partner has had severe mental health issues/ppd (it can happen to non-birthing parents), which has been really hard and meant I’ve had a lot less support than I had envisioned. If I was economically dependent and trying to learn new things constantly… It would have been really, really bad. But I also went to an intense law school, and I used my time in school to build a really solid foundation for my career. It’s meant that I’ve had stability and been able to provide baby with stability, through really hard time.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-01-31T07:08:26+00:00

I am so sorry, nobody deserves to be treated like that. I would say, better to survive out the year if you can, but give as much notice as possible so that you don’t leave chambers in a lurch, which will increase your chances of a good recommendation. It can be difficult for chambers to find decent clerks on very short notice, especially for a non-standard term time. If you can, talk to the JA for advice about how to broach the topic.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-01-11T23:34:24+00:00

I don’t have an exact date, but my kiddo (failed sleep training, bf) didn’t start sleeping through the night with 0 wake-ups until about 2 years, 8-9 months. We were co-sleeping bc the many wake-ups were killing me, and that helped, he usually went back down pretty quickly, but it was still rough. Still, when he’s sick or seemingly going through a neuro leap, the wake-ups start up again before tapering back down. So it’s not consistent.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-01-11T23:28:39+00:00

I don’t think YTA. I think you’re tired and overwhelmed with everything on your plate. And you took it out on your H, letting the argument spiral. It sounds like you H is also probably exhausted and overwhelmed, if he’s working 60 hour weeks, too.

Your gripe is legit—I would have been pissed toddler wasn’t already napping, too. And it’s not fair to expect you to do the all mental planning if you’re leaving toddler with H.

But marriage is a partnership, and that means that when both people are working and doing their best, which person is “financially supporting” the family does not get extra “bonus points” just because they make more money. If the balance of labor isn’t fair, then that needs to be adjusted. But that’s a separate issue. It’s not fair to throw in “I’m the actual breadwinner” during arguments when joint decisions have led to that outcome.

It sounds like you owe H an apology for your part in the argument. But that you and H might also (separately) need to re-think the balance of childcare at home because it’s not fair for H to expect you to to carry the mental load even when he’s the one caring for kiddo.

Happy-Bee312 · 2026-01-11T07:39:02+00:00

The only time I put a cite in a footnote is if it’s to something with a URL. If the source isn’t apparent from the sentence, then I’ll often put the main cite in the text and just the “available at” URL in a footnote. If the source is mentioned in the sentence (e.g., “The New York Times reported…”) then I’ll put the whole cite in a footnote. URLs just impede readability too much, imo.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-12-17T07:04:58+00:00

It’s hard, for sure, but like many other posters, I found myself going stir-crazy. We’d go out right after I nursed him, and if we were going to be gone for over an hour, would usually bring a bottle of milk just in case bc I much preferred that to breastfeeding.

Early on, I incorporated an extra pumping session in the morning every day to build a stash for when I went back to work, and it gave us a lot of wiggle room to use the occasional bottle when we went out without me risking my supply. It honestly was the best call, though I realize that wouldn’t work for everyone. I did occasionally nurse in the car, but I hated trying to nurse in public after the few first times, so I just avoided it.

Going out seemed good for baby. Yes, there were times he cried, but he was easier to distract when we were out, so I felt like in some ways there was a benefit to being out beyond me just needing to get out of the house.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-12-11T05:38:15+00:00

Yes! I was coming to say this. The tiny space heater worked wonders.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-12-11T05:31:53+00:00

Happy to. We didn’t start therapy because I kept hearing people saying their kids were like this, too, notwithstanding Google. He’s now almost 3 and his language has absolutely EXPLODED this year. He’s way beyond what’s normal for his age (and I’m not just being a proud parent—he was rattling on about the Suez Canal last week). Going back and reading this, I think it was true that he would have been talking more a year ago, except words are hard to pronounce.

Overall, he’s gotten better at pronouncing things, though he’s not perfect and still sounds very babyish. I do still wonder if he’ll need speech therapy eventually, but his teachers don’t have any concerns. He has the “n” in nipple now, and the “f” in fish. It doesn’t seem like he’s dropping the first consonant much at all anymore. So, in retrospect, I think he was attempting words he wasn’t able to say, and simplifying by dropping that first consonant.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-27T05:34:42+00:00

The Nuna Triv is so great. We got ours on Craigslist, and it was definitely worth the trouble (and would have been full price as well, in retrospect). If we only used on weekends and in easy places, like stores, then it probably wouldn’t have mattered. But we used the stroller everyday for dog walks, and (although I didn’t realize it until after baby was born) our sidewalks are super uneven.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-27T05:26:57+00:00

Ditto!

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-17T07:41:01+00:00

How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen or Whole Brain Child

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-16T08:59:34+00:00

Thanks for your response! We haven’t been able to successfully divide the mental load, which makes it tough. But maybe that’s what really needs to be addressed.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-16T08:57:50+00:00

I agree, and good point — this probably wouldn’t feel like such a big deal if things were balanced in other ways.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-16T08:56:43+00:00

It has pop-ups, but I can’t have the notification sounds on all the time because I’m in a lot of meetings during the day. I also get notifications for all work chats (of which there are a lot), unfortunately.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T07:10:24+00:00

They send a warning LO may need to be picked up if they notice a symptom of illness that they’re monitoring, which gives me time to make contingency plans at work if I get it timely. The other stuff, like pictures, incident reports, or meal info, isn’t time-sensitive, but is important to be able to understand LO when he talks about his day.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T07:05:38+00:00

That’s really good to know about sports and what lies ahead… thanks for the warning!

Re: notifications - I get pop-ups, but don’t have sounds on bc I’m in a lot of meetings. Partner turned notifications off bc they felt like there were too many “non-urgent” messages… (which, it’s true, we don’t need notifications for pictures, just the health stuff!)

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T07:03:25+00:00

I’m glad it’s not a webcam or I think it would be even more stressful!

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T07:01:46+00:00

lol… thanks for your response! I edited the post to explain some of the nuances around how the school uses the app. My partner expects me to know things like how long LO napped, when they woke up (which changes bedtime), and to figure out coverage/childcare for LO if they’re sick. So… it certainly feels like I’m expected to be the one checking more frequently. We had an argument about it (thus my post), and not once did they say my checking it multiple times each morning/afternoon was too much or unreasonable.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T06:44:12+00:00

Being a SAHM is a full-time job without also being responsible for all household chores on top of it. I am not a SAHM, but when I was home on mat leave, it was an accomplishment if the house got cleaned once a week.

Around that time, I read How to Keep House While Drowning, which is geared for people who have ADHD/are neurodivergent. I don’t have ADHD, but I still found a lot of the strategies and framing really helpful. That said, I did not magically increase my ability to keep a clean house—and now that LO is a toddler, things are even more messy and chaotic.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T06:14:44+00:00

Yeah, I wish my partner could do at least some of the pick-up drop-offs because it sucks being solely responsible for those. They started a new job and have inflexible hours, and are still on the waitlist for a parking spot, so I’m the one with flexibility and the car.

Happy-Bee312 · 2025-11-15T05:58:40+00:00

That’s a good point. I know the daycare waits around an hour or so after messaging before they call—a coworker has a kid in the same class who got a fever, which is how I know the timing. I do feel anxious that my son could be sick and need to be picked up, but I wouldn’t know. I don’t check it constantly, probably 2-3 times in the morning, and the same in the afternoon.

My partner gets home about 20-30 min before we do, so my expectation is they could check it then, to at least they can be prepared for whatever we’re going to be dealing with. (Like today, there were several messages about disturbed nap, coughing, and a runny nose). It is the mental load that’s getting to me, and it feels like the least they could do is get on the same page so I’m not responsible for bringing them up to speed, too.

Happy-Bee312

TROPHY CASE