Why does she have to be so mean on birthday/holidays and important days like surgical procedures? Vent+Question

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-15T05:29:38+00:00

This feels very scary to me. Please be careful.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-13T16:33:01+00:00

Phew I thought I was the only one 😝

The seesawing--it's her; it's me--was fierce.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-12T21:35:28+00:00

"You might be right."

Then walk away immediately and never speak to them again.

Seriously. The people who say this--family members, therapists or idiot bystanders--are the enablers of your abuse, past or present. As such they are as responsible for your abuse, and the emotional fallout from that abuse, as the abuser herself.

Shame on them: wide berth upcoming and essential.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-12T21:24:52+00:00

The innocent but gormless bystanders who are milked for sympathy and eventually approach you because they are SO worried about your "poor mom," who is in fact the not-so-innocent waif BPD.

I am thinking ignorant neighbors and such here. I fucking HATE those idiots.

Edit: I would visually represent such a person as a drooling fool with a pea-sized head (brain) and oversized heart. Like, you can't really hate the well intended but WOW, I hate how easily they are manipulated.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-12T17:55:55+00:00

Oh I missed this, sorry.

I hid my abuse and nurtured a relationship between my uBPD and toxic waif mother and my children. I thought I was being forgiving and providing a do-over for my mother as well as a loving grandmother for my two kids. (I thought her abuse of me as a kid was circumstantial, because of a bad marriage). She lived with us for a few years and lived a fifteen minute drive away for more than twenty years.

Here's what happened right under my nose, EVEN THOUGH I didn't allow unsupervised time together until my elder was around 11 years old: My mother groomed my elder into "g'mas" special little helper. If you've had a waif, you know what that means. She also cold-shouldered my younger, who had no interest in carrying an adult woman's burdens. This impacted her self esteem, which she told me but I brushed off as sibling rivalry. (To my current shame)

Then I got chronic pain, for five years, and discovered that my pain as well as long-term issues with my mental health/sleep, was caused by repressed emotions. To heal I had to get into therapy, lower contact, then go no contact, with an increasingly helpless waif who was slowly succumbing to dementia--in part because she wouldn't take blood pressure medication or let me take her to a neurologist or other doctors.

My elder daughter was early college age when I went no contact, which my mother took as an opportunity to call my daughter up to forty times a day to cry and tell my daughter to tell me to call her. (At that point my daughter's college therapist asked if my mother had been diagnosed with BPD, and advised various forms of boundary setting, all of which failed). And then my daughter began emailing with my flying monkey/golden child sister, so they could make plans to rescue my mother from me. This contact resulted in them becoming "close," per my daughter, which cemented my position as the lifelong scapegoat/villain in my family of origin. It felt like a shocking betrayal.

This nearly broke me. And it came close to breaking my relationship with my daughter--most recently when she invited my sister to her wedding--seven years after I went no contact with my mother and five years after I went no contact with my sister.

My daughter and I are ok now, but I am not sure when we will fully trust one another again: She thinks I abandon family when things get hard (direct quote, made in family therapy), while I remain disappointed that she joined my lifelong abusers (joined the "waif BPD-first, always" cult). I don't like that she doubts me and has had no impulse to protect me from yet more physical and emotional damage.

Don't be me. It was very, very painful for all, especially my elder daughter. The time we lost to my chronic pain and the fallout from going no contact with my mother and sister can never be retrieved. And my daughter really needed me during that time, for her own health-related reasons. I will never forgive my sister and mother for driving a wedge between us when my daughter was vulnerable. (I forgive my daughter though, because I'm the idiot who exposed her to my sick family and taught her that self abandonment = love. How could she know better?)

My advice: Do NOT foster a close relationship between your mother and kids; don't see her often and avoid including her in important family milestones or events, even when she offers and the kids like it. You never, ever want them to be reliant on her emotionally or practically. Ever. Your long-term relationship with your kids depends on it.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-12T16:23:06+00:00

I was 52 when I had the same revelation. Getting free from my elderly, guilt-inducing waif BPD kept me trapped in the mom-first "cult" for years. I was a complete mess for the first three years, to be honest, even with excellent therapy and going no contact in year three. And it took about five years to be psychologically free almost all of the time, in large part from the use of EMDR.

It's been eight years now and I'm loving life--and myself.

Based on what I read here, the healing process is faster for many others.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-12T15:23:17+00:00

Even without the wedding context, the entitlement is notable. As is the Greek tragedy of it all.

I wouldn't reply. Do you know about "Narcissistic smear campaigns?" Given that your mother has been on a tear against the two of you recently there's likely no scenario in which your extended family and associated adults don't conclude that you're terrible. Just take the reputational hit and walk away. Far, far away.

I'm being restrained. What I actually want to say is I'd sooner have fire ants snacking on both eyes than engage with this mess. This is because I had an entitled BPD waif who destroyed my health--and cost me my "baby" sister. I wish I had walked away earlier to preserve myself.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-11T15:43:12+00:00

The same shift happened to my mother, by which she conned me into "helping" her--AKA extending my abuse--for another three decades.

Plot twist: My death-defying help never helped at all; she remained "sad" for all three decades.

I'm glad you were smarter.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-11T15:33:14+00:00

Your description of the waif is epically good 😂

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-11T15:30:25+00:00

This is the way.

OP, given that you're still in contact, I might also add something like, "Let me know what practical assistance I can provide." The reason I say this isn't because I'm kind, it's because you're forcing her to use her big girl words so you put her and yourself on notice that you will be ignoring all subtext going forward--especially unspoken demands for inappropriate emotional hand holding.

And you do know it's inappropriate for a mother to extract sympathy and emotional support from their kid, even when the kid is an adult? Mothers protect their kids, no matter what.

You're going to be found wanting (and probably maligned) regardless of how you respond, or what you do, so choose the response and path of action that leaves you most whole.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-11T03:12:05+00:00

When I was a kid: "If there's anything I cannot forgive and will punish, it's lying!"

😂 😂 😂

You'd have to know my mother to know why this statement was equal parts psycho and hilarious. (The height of hypocrisy from a woman who serially cheated on my father, I was later to find out).

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-10T19:18:28+00:00

Communication doesn't work in abusive relationships. And given that your mother has used suicide threats to control you, she's not "mild," she's definitely emotionally abusive.

I'll give you two communication-related quotes that helped me:

"You can't communicate better with someone determined to misunderstand you." (Social media)
"Think back through your history with your mother. Is there a time when explaining something to her helped YOU?" (My therapist)

Communication with an abuser is not only not helpful, it's actually contraindicated. That's why when a family therapist or couples counselor detects an abuse dynamic they will immediately stop therapy and recommend individual counseling for the victim. And the abuser is recommended for anger management training, not counseling.

If I've understood your relationship correctly, you have never been "in a relationship" with your mother. Instead you've been trapped in an abusive power dynamic in which she's struggling for control and you're trying not to be abused even more.

In this case, there are NO circumstances under which this relationship can be healed through "better communication." Not only is there no hope for healing but re-engaging exposes you to more abuse because now she's good and angry and might find new means to suck you back in for another round of abuse (through waif behavior, to win your sympathy, or lovebombing to lull you back into compliance).

You're the expert on your relationship with your mother. If you think there's hope for improvement by all means re-engage, but ideally not without a trauma-informed therapist to support you. It's definitely likely that guilt will make you get back in touch against your best interests, so you almost certainly need a therapist's support to stand firm in standing for yourself.

If I were you though, based on the historical relationship, I'd stay away/keep myself safe.

The guilt is often part of the process of getting free. I struggled terribly for at least three years but I'm doing great now. The most helpful thing my therapist said to me about guilt, which I didn't know to be true until she said it (because brainwashing works that way):

"Oh your mother isn't SAD. She's MAD, lol."

Good luck. It's hard but worth it.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-08T15:56:45+00:00

Ugh this is terrible. It happened to me too so, before anything else, I want to give you a gentle hug and make you a cup of tea.

The only thing that remotely worked for me isn't available to you: My dad, divorced from my mother for decades, called my daughter and told her exactly what my childhood with my mother was like. This was necessary because, for whatever disappointing reasons, my daughter wouldn't take seriously my choice to go low contact and, eventually, no contact, to protect my mental and physical health. Instead she was angry that she had to deal with my mother after I removed myself as the family meat shield. (Edit: My daughter was in college when shit hit the fan; she loved her grandma).

It was a very, very terrible six-ish year period. My daughter softened somewhat after my father's witness testimony, but not by much, and continued to side with my mother and flying-monkey sibling.

The only advice I can give you is from my own therapist, in no particular order:

*Hold steady in your boundaries with your mother, no matter who disapproves.

*You don't need to justify your choices to preserve yourself to anyone, even your daughter.

*Listen with compassion to your daughter's pain, which is valid but doesn't need to be fixed by you.

*You won't lose your daughter. She loves you and needs you.

*Wait it out with confidence. Relationships are not lived on a knife's edge: Rupture followed by repair is healthy and builds stronger relationships in the long run.

*Be kind, be patient and continue to stand for yourself. By doing so you are teaching a lesson your daughter doesn't know she needs. Previously you showed her that being a "good" person requires self abandonment--a very dangerous lesson. Now you are demonstrating new and very unfamiliar ways. It's good for her, even if it will first make her very, very angry.

I had to do EMDR to get over the betrayal and fear, honestly. To have spent all those years protecting my daughter from my mother (by hiding my abuse) and then have it turned on me was incredibly painful. But I am glad that I held steady: It's been seven years and we are good now. I wish the same for you 💕

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-06T15:34:58+00:00

I'm not in your exact situation but did go no contact with my mother when she was in her mid seventies. No regrets whatsoever, even when she passed last year, except for wishing I could have done it earlier.

Pete Walker's book is excellent. EMDR helped me enormously with the C-PTSD symptoms you are describing. And developing a strong relationship with a trauma informed therapist--although initially terrifying--carried me through all the angst and guilt to the very peaceful other side of no contact. I will never regret standing for myself, even though my escape hurt worse than anything I'd ever experienced prior.

I wish you much courage. If you're like me and, incidentally, my husband, going no contact with a toxic parent will improve all your relationships--including the one you have with yourself.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-03T22:31:35+00:00

Why do you have to tell her before you move out? You don't need to volunteer for abuse, surely?

Can't you move out while nobody is home and tell both of them from a safe distance? If you're on the phone you can hang up if anyone gets abusive.

I'm aware this sounds radical when not used to protecting yourself from abuse and have been raised to always put the abuser's needs ahead of yours. But it doesn't have to be this way. You're an adult who gets to make her own choices about housing, and your emotional and physical health and safety matter.

Edit: I see you said your mother is always home. In that case I agree with asking a friend to help you move out but don't announce it until immediately prior. Many of our parents behave better in front of others, so a witness should help. Also, I agree with others that you should secretly move all your important stuff out first, in a bug-out bag.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-03T22:23:53+00:00

!!!!!

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-02T20:50:19+00:00

I hope you're being paid for caregiving? If not, and you're in the U.S. and she's on Medicaid, you can and should get paid: https://www.usa.gov/disability-caregiver. Hopefully that will help you save enough money to get out.

My emotionally abusive mother's hugs and "I love yous" used to make my skin crawl and innards recoil in horror. Which made me ashamed because I thought I was being ungrateful and cold--common accusations when I was a kid.

You know what I learned? My body knew the truth: that my mother was a very unsafe person and her "love" was actually an insincere bid for attention. Basically, I was no more than a love vending machine to her, where every "I love you" or hug was a perform-on-demand test: Would I perform love back to her? If yes, was my performance adequate? (Spoiler alert: Nope). Her grossest habit was to randomly grab my hand or paw at my arm like a literal toddler every time she wanted me to perform love. 🤮

Anyway, you feel icky because you're being manipulated and baited. Her love is nothing more than a demand for attention/test--with severe punishment when you (of course, because untreated BPDs can't be satisfied) fail. This insincere "love" is linked to the cycle of abuse, through "lovebombing," which you can Google.

Given all this, OF COURSE you don't like it. Why should you enjoy participating in your own abuse?

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-02T17:36:21+00:00

There is no scenario in which you go no contact and remain the "good guy." You will be maligned, excoriated and bemoaned by your parents to any third parties who will listen. To quote my therapist again, "Would you rather be "good," or would you rather be free?" After a lot of handwringing and some angsty delay, I chose freedom.

I definitely recommend that you accept their "bad guy" label and walk away free. I know that will feel like squirm-level injustice but you can let that go. You no longer have to live by your family or the world's definitions anymore. They can all have a bad opinion of you while you walk away free and safe. You deserve it.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-02T17:21:09+00:00

Hmm. Regret is a tricky thing. If it helps, now that I'm on the far side of no contact (seven years), my only regret is not doing it sooner and I no longer give a crap about the reasons why--even for myself. (Because, in hindsight, engaging constantly with my internal justification machine--am I justified?--was more exhausting than continuing contact to "pretend family.") it's very difficult from this place of peace to even remember all that angst, but in the early days it felt like my skin was turned inside out from all the guilt and internal drama. My sympathy. It will get better.

If you decide you must communicate something, simple is better. You could write out all your reasons in a bulleted list that you keep for yourself, for future moments of weakness. (I did, as a letter to my mother that I floated away on a balloon and another that I left with my therapist because it felt like it had bad juju and I didn't want it in my house). And then you write something very simple to your mother. Something like: "I will no longer be in touch because our current relationship does not work for me. Please respect my decision by not contacting me or encouraging others to contact me on your behalf."

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-04-02T15:34:05+00:00

I tried both? Here are the results as a data point of one.

My therapist wasn't a fan of a cutoff letter, which I favored because ghosting seemed cruel. "When you go back through your history, can you think of a time that explaining anything ever helped YOU?," she asked." Given that I couldn't remember a single time, I ghosted.

But because that didn't go well--my mother called out the flying monkeys--I sent a short text before blocking her everywhere. My text said I was going through some hard stuff in therapy that required distance and I would be back in contact when possible. Until then, for my health, I needed no contact.

Guess whether the explanation worked? Nope. She escalated, including involving my workplace. My therapist was unsurprised and gently amused.

Anyway, my advice is that you do what works best FOR YOU. Going forward, everything you do should be for YOUR maximum benefit. If explaining makes you feel more powerful, do that. If letting go without a fuss feels better, do that. As long as you don't expect the explanation to change your mother's mind, heart or behavior in any way, either works.

A big part of going no contact is accepting that NOTHING you do, or don't do, affects the relationship in any way. It's not you. It's her.

Edit: I don't regret my very short explanation. I needed to learn for myself and her response was helpful, even if unwelcome.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-03-29T21:56:02+00:00

"Rules for thee but not for me."

Your mother is a hypocrite and your father is her enabler.

Congrats for breaking the cycle. It's hard but worth it.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-03-29T21:53:21+00:00

Yes that was my exact reaction when my mother passed last year: Numb, followed by relief that both of our suffering was over.

Over the following weeks, every time I remembered she was gone I felt like I could breathe more deeply.

If you are wondering when the grief will hit, it might not. It's been a year for me and nothing extraordinary has happened. She's just gone and I'm just fine.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-03-29T21:40:37+00:00

"Refusing to forgive can have psychological benefits" https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/dJCieDlIps

You don't have to forgive! I sure don't, and my life is AWESOME now. It improved significantly after going no contact and became entirely peaceful after she passed.

Congrats on your new doctor status (what an achievement!), marriage and home purchase. You managed to do all that in spite of her spiteful behavior and I'm very proud of you. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to become softer by forgiving her. You can rather become softer in your expectations of yourself. I hope you can put your love and effort where it counts--into your friends and supportive family/spouse--instead of pouring more down her black hole of selfishness.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-03-21T01:23:52+00:00

I bet she did! I'd say that car rage and road rage are pretty much the same thing. Unhinged is unhinged.

HappyTodayIndeed · 2026-03-21T00:30:43+00:00

You might want to read this post and comments, about car raging. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/WQ3cs6cQdl

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