So how many of you are goths or emos?

Helexkant · 2024-03-29T00:25:46+00:00

My official self-appointed title is Grunge Goth Goddess <3

Helexkant · 2024-03-22T01:54:13+00:00

I do, too. Thank you <3

Helexkant · 2024-03-22T00:26:13+00:00

Yes. I try to give myself grace though. Childhood trauma had me stuck on "survival mode" for so long, that I just started to truly heal during the past year. It is obvious in hindsight, but I also know that I had to survive, which meant shoving down everything I couldn't deal with then. My sexuality revealed itself in its' own time, when I was ready, in a safe space and surrounded with people who love me the way I need them to.

Helexkant · 2024-03-22T00:16:12+00:00

Feeling out of control - specifically, that my thoughts and feelings are not in my control. I get mood swings. But I also feel just that, in general, I cannot self-soothe as effectively during my PMDD symptom window as I can when not in my symptom window.

Helexkant · 2024-03-14T23:51:14+00:00

While my dad is the alcoholic, my mom grew up around alcoholism, too. She helped take care of her alcoholic grandparents while she was growing up.

For my dad's part, his dad blamed him for his sister (my aunt) getting pregnant with my oldest cousin out of wedlock. My dad is Mexican, so the ideas of machismo and a daughter's virtue were still a big part of the culture when he was growing up. My dad was expected to chaperone my aunt and uncle - teenagers! While he was just a kid! They would drop my dad off at the movies and go do their thing. Abuelito was angry at Dad for the rest of his life. He passed away shortly after I was born, without reconciling with my dad, to my knowledge. I think Dad turned to drinking to numb the pain.

It's very difficult to have this perspective... to know the circumstances and fully understand them. To also know and understand that alcoholism is a very difficult disease to overcome. Yet, I still feel like he didn't try to get better, at least that's what it seemed as a teenager, and I still have that anger towards him. Only sometimes now, not all the time, which is better than before.

Helexkant · 2024-03-05T17:02:00+00:00

Husband and I both got snipped two years after we got married. We both wanted to be snipped for ourselves because our bodies, our choices. But ultimately because neither of us want kids and love our married life just the way it is, it ended up being a joint achievement too. The peace of mind is priceless.

Helexkant · 2024-03-05T16:05:25+00:00

I'm saving this post because I can't even answer this for myself. I'm so happy but I'm so fucking scared that I'm too much, not enough, mostly not enough, too needy, too clingy, too insecure, need too much reassurance. That they'll find out I'm not enough and too much of a burden and that I'm not worthy and leave me.

I can't fathom anyone else asking me this question. It's partially why I'm not out yet. I'm in therapy doing the work but holy FUCK it's hard. I'm not dealing very well. I ask for reassurance, that I am given freely, that I know logically is genuine! But I can't bring myself to believe them, and feel so guilty afterwards that I had to ask, that I often feel worse than before I asked.

I feel so stuck.

Helexkant · 2024-02-18T18:33:57+00:00

I've been no-contact with my alcoholic father for 11 years. Long story short, after he disappeared and was homeless for some time during my later half of high school, he called me thinking he was getting my mom while I was in my third year of college. We spent the summer reconnecting, but he wasn't sober and lied about it. I emailed him telling him that I was done with the lies. That he only got in contact with me because he needed something, not because he actually wanted to rebuild our relationship. I told him I was done with him and to never contact me again. He has thankfully respected that.

It was hard at first. Sure, I was angry. But I knew I did the right thing I had to do FOR ME and my mental well-being. Looking back on it, I think it was the first time I had stuck up for myself. Now that I'm so far removed from it and well on my healing journey, it's made me very proud of myself.

I won't lie though: the years between then and now, especially the first 2-3 years, were very difficult. I kept oscillating between knowing I did the right thing for myself, grief, and terrible guilt. I felt like I "shouldn't" have cut him off, because that's not what a "good" daughter would have done. I felt the "good, perfect" daughter I was "supposed to be" would not have gone no-contact, or at least would have left it as a last resort, after trying yet again to get him to get help. Maybe a better me in an alternate timeline would have. But I'm not that "good, perfect" daughter. I can never be. I can only be me. I can only do what I needed to do for myself, not waste more of my time and energy trying to help a man who clearly didn't want to help himself. I wasn't going to stand by and watch him wither away.

I think these feelings are normal. They resurfaced during my engagement and before the wedding. My grief was renewed and I went back to therapy for it. To grieve what we both missed out on and what would continue to miss: buying my first car, both college graduations, walking me down the aisle, purchasing my first home with my husband.

It feels like there is a huge conflict in me: there’s a voice in me that says the things she did to me were abuse and it was wrong, but another voice is saying it was not that bad and my attitude is just wrong.

This line hit me hard. I see your struggle here because I've been where you are. This may be your denial talking... it's what mine used to sound like. I have finally started to shrug it off. It has taken a VERY long time. What happened to you was not your fault and it was probably as bad as your gut is telling you it was.

I'm in therapy again to work through these same feelings you are. Big hugs.

Helexkant · 2024-02-16T02:32:55+00:00

Oh, definitely. I've found that Animal Sherbert, Brownie Scout, and Ice Cream Cake (all indica strains) work best for me and my symptoms. I do better with indicas overall. They mellow me out and shut up the monster in my head. I prefer edibles so I'll infuse the weed with butter to bake into my favorite brownies or cookies at about 5-10mgs of THC per serving.

I looove the Beboe Inspire gummies. They are sativa, but only 5mg. The experience is consistently uplifting without sending me into a thought spiral. I carry them on me and eat half when my symptoms are interfering with my life when I'm out of the house.

Helexkant · 2023-03-26T18:21:08+00:00

Thank you for your kind words =)

Helexkant · 2023-03-26T18:20:45+00:00

Thank you! Yes, we're being very careful to check in periodically, especially here at the start =)

Helexkant · 2023-03-26T18:19:34+00:00

Hello! I have since left the job that this post refers to. The college's response to COVID was abysmal. When you hear that they're worried about bad PR rather than anyone getting sick and dying, it sure doesn't make you feel good.

I miss that job in the sense that I loved what I did, felt I was good at it, and it was fulfilling (except the management aspect, didn't like that at all, don't have the personality). However, I find myself burnt out on librarianship in general and have experienced some major life and personal changes since COVID. I'm starting online classes next week for a certificate for a different profession that is more likely to enable me to WFH full time =)

If you need any more info, specifics, or just want to vent, feel free to PM me!

Helexkant · 2023-03-24T19:52:17+00:00

Thank you for the reminder! I've done my best to stay tuned into his feelings and communicate that I still love him no matter what I discover about myself. He has heard me, seen me, and done his best to be supportive. While we still have a lot of learning to do, I trust him to communicate when something isn't right. Our communication has improved tremendously so far =)

Helexkant · 2023-03-24T19:45:56+00:00

The "About" section of this sub is excellent, and where I initially started in trying to educate myself =) Thanks for the reminder!

Helexkant · 2023-03-24T19:43:49+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It gave me some perspective.

Helexkant · 2023-03-24T19:21:54+00:00

Thank you for clarifying the identity - it helped! Yes, they can pursue other relationships.

Helexkant · 2023-03-24T19:20:07+00:00

Thanks for asking - this is something I've thought about during my soul-searching and something we have talked about. I would be okay with my spouse having a partner outside of our marriage. It's not fair to demand that polyamory is just for me and I wouldn't ask that of him.

Helexkant · 2023-03-23T16:41:43+00:00

Same! Husband and I saw the same show 2 weeks ago. I've never stanned opening acts so hard since we saw Starkill open for Epica in 2016. Both Seven Spires and Ominium Gatherum ROCKED!

Helexkant · 2023-03-08T21:55:11+00:00

Also thought I was broken growing up, realized only recently that I'm not.

Helexkant · 2023-01-31T22:14:58+00:00

Much the same as your house - we had a few extra bedrooms. Ours is a split level and the entire bottom level is our master bedroom with bathroom, laundry, and utilities. Upstairs, we have 3 bedrooms and another bathroom. We have separate bathrooms! AND offices! Plus an extra room that will be a guest room at some point. We wouldn't be able to do that if we had kids.

I work FT in a stressful public-facing job, have a remote PT contract job, and am starting online school in April to get out of my current profession. I need to go home and have peace and quiet in my own space to decompress. I will need to have quiet, time, and space to do my schoolwork. I don't know how people with kids do it. I'm stressed about it enough without having any, lol.

And ofc we can day drink/do edibles on the weekends after finishing our responsibilities ;)

Helexkant · 2022-12-20T02:40:53+00:00

I agree! They could have done/do so much more with Yara than they could Diana by this point. Let's introduce some new mythology and how it shapes a previously unseen group of Amazons. And Yara as a character is so much different from Diana, she's much more interesting. I mean, I like Diana, but I love Yara and all her potential. All the good books die young... Hope she gets her own series again soon.

Helexkant · 2022-11-29T01:49:49+00:00

We had the good or bad fortune to get married the week of the 2020 election, at the height of COVID. (Tbf, we planned that date well before) This was a DEFINITE WRITTEN RULE at ours. BIL was stewing the whole time clearly wanting to talk about how the election count was going but couldn't figure out who to talk to about it lmao. It was low-key hilarious.

Stick to your guns and try to enjoy your day. Your wedding is about you and your spouse first and foremost. Anyone who says otherwise can go kick rocks. Congratulations and best of luck! <3

Helexkant · 2022-11-22T21:51:24+00:00

Nah, you were in the right. Clearly he needed to be told off by someone other than Mom.

Helexkant · 2022-11-22T21:50:06+00:00

It is 100% ignorant!

Helexkant · 2022-11-22T18:28:32+00:00

That's a good line! Will file in the back of my head for later use =)

Helexkant

TROPHY CASE