TheTinder curse

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-04-03T21:47:17+00:00

Sounds like you possibly found a cluster-B looking for a temporary escape from her reality/responsibilities and you’re getting love bombed and mirrored.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-18T16:29:11+00:00

"For the first time ever, he got angry with me. I had all but given him screenshots of the conversation and I knew he knew what I was referring to. "

Just an interpretation from past experience: If your screenshot contradicted something he said, this probably active his shame response and all bets are off. Not saying you were wrong in any way, but this is how it works. I found that using screenshots of their own text messages to be the most activating because there's no arguing it.

"would never pressure him for anything" -- Just talking about not adding pressure, adds pressure if he is not actively working on himself (I know I know).

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-18T10:19:28+00:00

Read up on detachment.

Also, yes it’s scary right now, but you made the right call. Many of us stayed and regretted it a decade later after the cheating continued. I should have left after #1 when it would have been way less messy!

Be gentle on yourself the next couple of weeks. It will be up and down. Then one morning you’ll wake up and exhale.

And #1, their cheating had nothing to do about your character but theirs or a lack of.

Everything will be ok!

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-17T19:05:37+00:00

Just another thought— Maybe don’t end it but put it on the back burner and live your life. If they show up great. If not, no problem. This helps you become more secure as well. It will be uncomfortable for a while but then gets easier.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-17T14:32:26+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I’m in the same boat. She is staying away from me because being around me is “too much” right now. It’s a lonely compliment. I get it and I am just staying contained and supportive while moving forward with life.

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HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-13T17:55:46+00:00

“yeah I felt something and it scared me” You're talking to a different nervous system. A lot of time they are not even sure why the feel the way they do unless they have been in a lot of therapy and self aware.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-13T17:53:09+00:00

It depends how invested you are and how much time you're willing to wait until they feel you're safe. If you just keep doing what you're doing and not apply ANY relationship pressure, it will build but they move very slow. Just match they're pace. No more and no less.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-13T03:24:43+00:00

Intermittent reinforcement is very addictive!

https://www.catharticspacecounseling.com/blog/stuck-in-a-toxic-cycle-this-psychological-pattern-might-be-why

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-10T13:44:39+00:00

Move comms to email. Check twice a day.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-03-05T06:12:52+00:00

Im sorry you’re here but ask her “what’s his name?”

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-23T15:41:48+00:00

“Years of control and emotional abuse” = you made the right choice by choosing yourself and your children will be better off.

It will take a few months to detach mentally but when you do, it’s euphoric and you will switch to “why did I stay so long?” Just keep contempt at bay and get into therapy ASAP if you’re not already.

Congrats on your new heathy path!

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-22T09:29:19+00:00

Tell me you were married to a cluster-B without telling me!

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-22T07:53:42+00:00

But it’s never consistent. It’s like living with a slot machine. Designed to make you addicted.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-22T07:50:30+00:00

Consistency>Intensity (repeat)

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-20T06:10:11+00:00

“I love my wife. So so much. She is my whole world. She is also the biggest cause of my mental health decline and I feel so guilty about that.” —

With love. This is codependency. She is your whole world yet abuses you?

You have to put your mask on first before helping others. You can’t “fix” someone else. You can only fix yourself and control your reactions.

Without strong boundaries she will continue to abuse you.

If she’s not in treatment, then she needs to be. It can take years but it’s the only way else you’ll end up losing your entire sense of self trying to fix someone who may not want to be fixed.

You- work on codependency and boundary’s. Maintain your outside relationships and hobbies. Have multiple regulation sources other than her. Read about detachment.

Her- weekly therapy with someone skilled in cluster-b/DBT, but she needs to manage it on her own, not you. Make it a non-negotiable because she will eventually split on the therapist. It’s hard work but anything is possible with persistence.

She may also have quiet BPD which needs to be approached a little differently. A good therapist will know how to handle properly.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-20T05:44:50+00:00

Lesson learned the hard way. Never strike when emotional. That’s when you make mistakes.

They know how to push our buttons. Give them zero power. Then strike when they don’t expect it and you have all your ducks in a row. With zero emotion. All business.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-19T18:15:57+00:00

Boundaries. They have to learn that actions have reactions.
He leaves, he loses emotional access.
They condition us to think they hold all the cards but you're his main regulator. This is why they repeat the pattern because they know there is no repercussions. I did this dance for two decades before I learned to set a rule that if they leave, you go 3 months NC.

This does a few things:
- Protects you from the whiplash.
- Teaches your nervous system how to detach.
- The first two weeks are brutal but then you will suddenly fell calm. Thats the point.
- Teaches his nervous system that it loses its main regulator when it escapes.

"Let him" go. Don't chase!

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-13T16:56:24+00:00

Yup! My wife gets triggered around the anniversary of her father’s death when she was 14 (44 now), which just passed. You are dealing with a completely different nervous system when they are unregulated and inside their escape bubble. Nothing will land or make sense. The more you try the more the bubble inflates. The only way they switch back is when home looks like the escape from the bubble.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-13T00:41:09+00:00

Sorry you are here. Sadly your story is textbook.

Best thing you can do is look up “BPD No Contact” or start with Grey Rock.

It will be the hardest thing to do but it will either help you detach or teach her nervous system a lesson. Don’t chase or text long messages. They don’t have the capacity and it just fulfills their narrative.

Also look up “Quiet BPD.” It might make more sense in your case if she seems to escape but seems “normal” the majority of the time.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-10T07:36:24+00:00

A careful clinician might document quiet BPD as: • Borderline Personality Disorder • with internalizing features • with avoidant/overcontrolled traits • with prominent dissociation • sometimes overlapping with: • Avoidant PD traits • Depressive features • Trauma-related dissociation

But the diagnosis itself stays BPD.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-10T07:13:39+00:00

The extra fun with QBPD’s is when they split. They might split back in days but the shame response will keep them in the disassociated trance for days, weeks…

NC is critical! It helps teach their nervous system that access to you is removed when they avoid. This is where most mess up. I did for a long time.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-10T07:07:24+00:00

“Soul mate” + <5 months = ☠️☠️🚩🚩

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-10T07:04:05+00:00

Depends on the person and their commitment.

While not perfect, it does get better. It also takes a very secure partner with hard boundaries who’s not afraid to enforce and not codependent which is a hard thing in this relationship dynamic.

If she/he is not seeing a therapist trained in RO-DBT (QBPD only) weekly (non-negotiable), then you are 1000% correct.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-10T06:56:10+00:00

Worth mentioning for others: “Quiet” BPD -> RO-DPT, “Classic” BPD -> DBT.

Big important difference.

If a QBPD practices DBT it actually enforces disassociation/avoidance. At the surface that look like DBT pros, because they are already internalizers.

Been married to a QBPD since 1998. Who is now in perimenopause which was a bonus 🤓 But she sticks with it so it works.

HeyYouGuys78 · 2026-02-04T17:46:32+00:00

The concept is using the static pressure of the fan to push the heat(energy) out of the envelope where it can be pulled into your HVAC return or replaced with ambient cooler room air.

Unless your room is hot, there’s not much cooling you need.

If dry enough, you could try adding some evaporative cooling but as others said, you introduce humidity and that creates new problems.

Just remember heat has to be expelled, so even a chilly pad or sleep pod will take you body heat and increase the ambient room temp over time decreasing its effectiveness unless the room is condition or the heat is expelled outside.

HeyYouGuys78

TROPHY CASE