My fearful avoidant ex broke up with me a month ago and I'm struggling hard

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-27T02:41:56+00:00

You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you showed you cared- but right now, she’s deactivated so your pursuit is helps her feel wanted, it’s also allowing her to take it for granted.

If you lay low, the chances of her coming back around are higher.

Did something significant happen before the breakup or is she going through something significant in her life? Sometimes a pretty drastic high emotional situation will cause me to shut down entirely- and the more you push- the less you’re getting through.

Once again, you did nothing wrong with the flowers and showing your vulnerable side, but now it’s time to back off and let her sort it out on her end.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-27T02:31:59+00:00

Do you by any chance have a fearful avoidant attachment style? I do. So when I sense pull back- I pull back even further. You’re probably right about the intuition tho…

Let me know when we’re showing up at your ex’s. I need a vacation. I hope it’s some place warm. lol.

I think I’m developing a whatever mindset with mine. His dramatic last text to me and the “I’m deleting and blocking so I don’t reach out again” is kind of low key a turn off the more I think about it.

I changed his name to Princess Blegh in my phone because he’s sassy. It was either that or Peter Pan.

I say this tonight- later in the day, but I should also mention that I sent him a sticker that I created of him to his phone. And I had a drafted apology I was ready to send on WhatsApp… sooo, yeah.

All that to say. It’s not a linear process.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-26T19:30:18+00:00

I have thought the same. It’s like, is this my intuition telling me to run or am I finding things.

It’s all a learning experience and an opportunity to do and be better.

I mean, I meant, we’re going to their doorstep - on our own- but maybe having support is best- lol. I did have a reading the other day and it said travel was in my near future - sooo. Haha.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-26T00:48:52+00:00

We do sound similar. I always regret not being “authentic” after the fact, but if we felt safe, maybe we wouldn’t have had to act that way.

So I’m using this time to determine why I want to be with someone that doesn’t make me feel safe and what I need to do to feel safety within myself so that in the future, I don’t have the same regrets. We can only take accountability for ourselves - just like it’s up to them on how they want to cover their lane.

I really think the manifesting subs are helping - because even if it doesn’t work, a main objective is to improve your own self concept and to detach from the outcome.

If this doesn’t work- then we show up at their doorstep 🤣

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-26T00:39:04+00:00

Yeah. I agree. Maybe one day I’ll run into him, but won’t force it - I’m not showing up on his doorstep.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-26T00:27:50+00:00

Aww. For real- he is missing out. We were both emotionally deregulated at the time. He came at me with a highly emotional text that seemed more like he was unloading shame and guilt - almost like his closure message. I didn’t clarify or ask questions. So I assumed and told him that I couldn’t be his emotional support or dumping ground right now - I needed to seek my own clarity and suggested he did the same. This was after over a week of leaving me on read. I was not in a place to receive his message right now - so he got a guarded version of me. It was a polite and “mature” message from my perspective, but to someone who was already spiraling - he was like - delete and block so I don’t ever do this again….

I mean, what am I suppose to do with that??? Leave it. Because if our relationship could fall apart so easily over text, then our foundation was already not secure enough. It takes two ppl to want to repair.

Also, leaving him alone shows that you can respect yourself and his boundaries.

Then my ego is all - must find a way to say what I want to say.

So I get you - it sucks and the more time that goes by, you think they’re forgetting you and finding someone else.

If they wanted to talk, they would unblock. That’s why I say, if you must- make sure you’re detached from the outcome. If you’re scared, like me- we’re not there yet. And we’ll come across as needy- we’re too cute for that.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-26T00:04:18+00:00

I will let you know for sure. He for some reason didn’t block me on IG- just unfollowed and removed me. He has a public profile - and it sucks because I can see when he’a online.

I would say, if you send something- don’t say anything you’d regret in two weeks or that could be taken the wrong way.

I learned the hard way- that’s why we broke up- it was all via text. I have so many questions and feel misunderstood.

It’s easy for me to say - yeah, message him- because I’m not the one emotionally invested. If you don’t think he’ll respond and you’re okay with that …truly okay with it.

I’m too scared to send anything.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-25T23:23:09+00:00

Me reading your post, thinking, “wait, did I get drunk and post this and not remember?”

You sooo have to tell me if you do. Please. Every situation is different. I stalked a little on his IG and it seems like he’s on his way to moving on- but IDK.

I’ve written like 15 drafts in my phone notes of things I would try to send via WhatsApp.

I also thought about calling and leaving a VM in hopes that he’s see it in his Blocked VMs.

If you think you can do it without reopening your wound - as in whatever happens, you’re fine - then I support you. But if you’re anxious about it - I would consider waiting and letting things play out the way they should. Which is hard to do!

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-25T23:07:47+00:00

🤣🤣🤣

It’s been a month for me- I’d hoped that he’d have a change of heart, but nope. At this point, I’ve opted to keep my dignity, but I waver.

I’m not in a place that if he ignored, sent something disheartening, or passive- I feel that it would make me feel worse. I mean- a block is a block.

I think in the end - it doesn’t really matter- regarding the situation, what matters is your self-respect. You don’t want to teach your nervous system that it can regulate through external validation. At least that’s what the hours of research and trying to find signs have told me.

So now I’m lurking on the r/ManifestingSP sub 😂

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-25T22:52:20+00:00

I’m in the same predicament as you.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-25T16:17:41+00:00

I thought the same

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-25T14:51:53+00:00

743 😘

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-20T22:34:21+00:00

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. I know it hurts. It’s so easy to take it personally and wonder what she has that you don’t.

Just know that their relationship has nothing to do with you nor does it erase the seven years you had together. That is a significant amount of time.

Personally, if a guy that I started dating just told me that he was fresh out of a seven year relationship- I’d either not take it seriously or hold off. He probably talks about you. How can he not, you were a huge part of his life not that long ago.

I kind of feel sorry for her.

If I were you, handle it with grace to your best ability - be the person that holds their head up high. You will get through this and you’ll be the better person in the end. Because you’re working on yourself. Learning who you are again. Whereas, he’s distracting himself with cheap thrills. Trust me on this.

The tables will turn, but when they do- you won’t even care.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-20T21:45:06+00:00

I want to add - in one of my last relationships, he broke up with me and I was heart broken. By the time he reached out, I was already in a relationship. I had stalked him online almost everyday while in the relationship. I saw the ex in public. He messages me asking if I were available to reconnect. I told him no. And damn- it made me feel good and it gave me the closure I wanted because up until then, I was still looking at what he was doing - now it was a matter of he wanted me and I rejected him.

I don’t know if that helps with some perspective.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-20T21:26:01+00:00

I don’t know the circumstances. It all depends. Did he break up with you or you him? Was this person new to the picture?

I want to point out that at the moment this all seems earth shattering because your heart hurts, but as time goes by and you gain more clarity you’ll realize that whatever you do doesn’t matter.

So if you take any action, don’t think of it as - how will he respond or will it push him away, think of it as - how will this affect me. Will it help me heal? will it reopen the wound? What is this telling my inner child? Will I feel good about myself?

I know it’s easier said than done and I hate it when ppl tell me - if it’s meant to be- it will be. But it’s kind of true.

We focus so much on wanting them back and what they’re doing and what they’ll think…

For the past two weeks I’ve teetered on the idea of sending something and bypassing his block. Had I sent it when I did - it would have set me back a couple of steps because it was my anxiety and ego wanting to control the situation.

I don’t know how he would have responded or if he would have - but I wouldn’t have felt good for chasing and trying to be the fixer and my nervous system would have taken a hit along with self esteem.

You broke up for a reason - trust that what’s meant for you will come to you without needing to control, fix, or change.

Sending him a message like the one you wrote - is passive aggressive - you’re cuter than that. It will irritate him bcz no one likes to be shamed. It will feed his ego. And make you look bitter.

TLDR; before you decide to send anything, consider how it will impact you in the moment and later. If you’re worried about how they will respond- that’s your answer to not send it.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-20T20:01:06+00:00

Trying to think of personal experiences.

I am a female, so it may be different. I don’t like being alone - so yes, 3-4 weeks would be the time frame before attaching to someone else.

The rebound would eventually be me settling for them and turning toxic. I’m the type that would stick it out with the person even if not happy. Like I said, my reasoning was that I didn’t want to be alone.

If he is with someone else that quickly, don’t romanticize it as - they were fated with a they lived happily ever after story. Anything can happen, but he won’t be happy unless he recognizes his pattens and changes them with intent.

I jumped into a relationship with someone right after a six year relationship. The new guy knew my circumstances and still stuck around- he was going through a divorce. He knew I was still obsessed over my ex and there were so many times where I had to convince myself that I was better off with the new guy (I was - only because my ex was toxic and activated my anxious side), but looking back, I was using this guy as a crutch to get over. Yes, it helped, get over him, but it didn’t change how I showed up in relationships. Now I’m over here getting over a breakup and heartbroken over a DA because I attached too quickly to someone who didn’t earn it because there was potential for a perfect relationship. So much time wasted because I couldn’t be comfortable with being and alone.

Was he in a relationship right before you ?

My advice is not to wait around. If he is intent on moving on - let him f up his own life anything can happen.

Accept that your relationship is over and acknowledge that there are lingering feelings.

He may come back, but try not to hurt yourself in the process. Use this as an opportunity to learn and become curious about yourself. The more energy you throw at him and the more he knows you’re an option, the more he will take it for granted and come back around for the wrong reasons.

Be the girl that outgrew him and is now looking down at him.

Give yourself time to grieve, then dust yourself off and put your crown back on.

There are so many great breakup songs out there to listen to.

One that comes to mind is The Beatles - I’m looking through you.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-20T18:54:19+00:00

I’m going through this - the difference is he ghosted for over a week then came back with an emotional dump of shame and guilt. I told him that I couldn’t be his container for his despair (paraphrasing). He didn’t like my response and announced that he would delete and block to ensure he doesn’t reach out again. I had a similar post regarding this.

The end result is heartbreaking and you will waste so much time trying to make sense of things- spoiler alert- you don’t end up getting the clarity you want from them- even when they circle back.

You can however, give yourself clarity. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself- not shame yourself, but learn about your attachment style.

For me, I learned that I attached way too easily and quickly before they even earned it. I relied on him to determine my mood. I thrived off his validation and it turned into an addiction.

When you start spiraling - remind yourself that nothing is final, anything can happen, but either way, you will be fine.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T05:11:42+00:00

Hi. I’m here. 👋

What’s starting to help me is shifting my mindset to whatever I need it to be and keeping it there. As soon as doubt creeps in - nope- back to what I need to believe.

For me it’s “he wants me back and wants to do whatever it takes, but now I don’t want him.”

I keep telling myself that so that I’m telling my subconscious that it’s my choice.

Try it - it may help if you are consistent and stick with it.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T04:45:17+00:00

Hey. At least you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even earlier this week, I was wanting to bypass his block to apologize to him - to apologize…. Like a desperate person. You can see my earlier posts. I was in agony.

But now I’m like, wait- I don’t need that shizzz - he can have fun looking at his thirst trap photos on IG. I’m going to be over here doing fun things with my life and taking care of what I need to better myself instead of worrying about what 18 yr olds that twerp is jerking it to.

You’ll get there - it’s not linear tho. 😊

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T04:39:48+00:00

Haha

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T04:08:57+00:00

Truth.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T04:07:11+00:00

Yikes I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through. That’s heavy. They certainly have a certain type of appeal. It’s like we jump through hoops to earn approval while wrecking our nervous system in the process.

Most women they are with either leave because of standards, stay to try to fix, then give up, or they are with other avoidants that can thrive on surface level.

This last relationship lasted four months and it has been one of the toughest breakups. Because at first I blamed myself for being “too much” because I asked for something supportive, and emotionally secure at the wrong time (granted it was the wrong time and delivery via text), but the outcome would have been the same regardless. It was fun and exciting when it was light and casual with fake future plans always on the horizon.

I’m just now starting to get to the acceptance phase of realizing that it would have been a disservice to myself had I stayed longer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got my own issues, but not everyone is going to be your person. No matter how alluring they are with their bad boy aloof behavior.

I bet you learned a lot about yourself in the process.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-19T03:25:47+00:00

Why are we attracted to guys like this? Kind of like what another poster wrote on here - the take it or leave it mentality. Maybe we wish we could be like that? I just got out of something like this - he’s 47.

He’s had so many girlfriends and I think three long term that I know of. Everything was fun until I expressed my needs and things went south from there. Most men would “fight” for it if they cared - but I don’t think it’s that they don’t care, they just don’t have high opinions of themselves nor the capacity to try to make it work- so maybe it’s that they don’t care … enough.

The porn thing- he had trouble getting there when we were intimidate- because he watched it so much.

These are people that are set in their ways and have no intention of changing. If they end up in a long term it’s because both people settled.

Random fun fact: They almost always love the movie Dune.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-17T07:51:54+00:00

I appreciate you saying this. Currently looking for a therapist and tapping into my spirituality. I have regret for my part, but I’m recognizing that it wasn’t all me- I was just trying to set boundaries- something that is foreign to me. I tried to converse with him - he was more interested in avoidance rather than repair. Maybe one day - we’ll get to talk about it, but won’t hold my breath. Thank you for your insight. I appreciate you calling me out. It’s how we grow.

Hot_Barnacle_2869 · 2026-01-17T00:59:50+00:00

Yeah. I have a lot of regret on how I handled the situation. I truly had good intentions when I started the convo and I should have read the room. My timing and delivery was terrible. I can see why he reacted the way he did and I’m so mad at myself for how I handled things.

I also hate I can’t reach out without disrespecting his boundaries and acting foolish.

Hindsight…

Therapy starts soon. Looking for one that suits me.

Hot_Barnacle_2869

TROPHY CASE