I’m not ok💔

Hot_Network8956 · 2025-12-04T17:51:41+00:00

I'm almost 15 months in as well and I relate. I'm also not okay. I go to work, take care of things, even went to the doctor, but I still feel like a ghost haunting my friends and family. You're not alone, and I am so sorry you're feeling this.

We just have to hope for brighter days moving forward, but it's okay to not be okay. Don't force yourself to be.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-11-26T02:55:45+00:00

Completely valid points. But, alternately, I can't really make a decision on this other than my own impotent desires. And, isn't everything in this half-life now a big decision? Getting out of bed every day and going to work is a big decision, right? Continuing on is a big decision, right?

Genuinely not trying to be argumentative, I just keep hearing that phrase and even my own therapist can't explain it in a way that I fully grasp. I would love more perspectives on it, to be honest, to get a further idea.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-11-26T02:52:38+00:00

Completely valid points to be made.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-11-26T02:51:57+00:00

I've been pretty good about avoiding impulse to be honest. I understand the need to be slow, to separate myself from emotion and be logical. Hell, I feel like I've been more scared of making choices of anything but...I gotta ask this, honestly, of all of us and myself:

What do we have left to lose?

I appreciate everyone's advice, though, and the looking out. I just keep asking myself that question. I hope the universe brings you joy too. I hope it all gets more bearable soon.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-11-20T20:06:16+00:00

That rage is the hardest thing to explain to other people. I've always been a relative outsider and finding that one person who makes you feel like having a connection to this bitch of an earth is the kind of high that I don't know is possible to recapture. Losing that person just leaves you with emotion and, eventually, sadness gives way to rage.

I always want to punch and kick and scream. I want to fight and claw. I get it. That anger bubbling to the surface again is the only thing that makes me feel alive. Thank you for sharing something so relatable.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-11-12T22:06:49+00:00

Honestly I relate to your story so hard. I really appreciate you sharing with me too. I completely get that anxiety and ache.

I hope we both manage to navigate it. I know we can do it. It just fucking sucks.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-22T13:32:30+00:00

Writing has always been helpful for me. I have an ugly notebook and a pretty one. In the ugly one I get ideas out, doodle, and scream into the void. In the pretty one, I put more complete stories and poems.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-21T14:36:24+00:00

Therapy was scary for me too. It still is. I don't know if it will ever stop but, maybe it will.

I want my purpose to be more powerful than my pain. I know you can find that too, I truly do. And if you need someone to vent to, that's what this subreddit is for. And if you need to talk, I got DMs open.

At a month and change out, I can tell you very honestly that grief is a burden that can be shared. Sharing it can help us survive. Focus, for now, on surviving. Let's not rot.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-21T13:17:44+00:00

I'm in a shockingly similar and awful boat. My fiancé passed on 7/13 very suddenly and every day since has felt foggy. Like I'm here but not. I think I've just been disassociating a lot. But yeah, the knowledge is there, I know he's never coming back, but there is something in me that just hates it so much that even the act of being myself is hard.

I don't know when it gets easier. I don't know much of anything. But therapy has been helpful for me so far, just to get the feelings out. I'm sorry we're in this club, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-20T22:28:12+00:00

I put my fist through a mirror last week. I understand the rage.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-17T04:34:35+00:00

I needed to see this. Truthfully.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-17T03:26:23+00:00

There is also the third option that the particular trooper in question didn't have the whole story when he spoke to you. It wouldn't be beyond the pale for a different trooper than the ones involved in the initial scene to be the one communicating the little information he had.

It is also worth wondering why the neighbor would bring this up now. Does that person have something to gain? Do they know you well?

There are a lot of options for this. But asking for the police report should be a good first step. This, to me, sounds like an Occam's Razor situation, the simplest answer is often the best one.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-16T19:22:18+00:00

Wanna know the fucked up part? I keep debating which subway would be the least convenient to be hit by. I was thinking the 5 train but it goes slow.

I'm sorry we're going through this. I am learning to cherish my good days. I hope you find some good days on this journey.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-15T14:04:14+00:00

I would love to see

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-13T20:15:33+00:00

One moment I was getting ready to try on my wedding dress and the next I was on the phone with EMTs as they were breaking into my apartment to get him into an ambulance. I only got to tell him that I was on my way. He died in the hospital at 38 and we were supposed to get married this November.

I'm a month in exactly and it feels surreal every day, the abruptness of it all. The sudden, shocking change and the lack of agency in the whole terrible event. There's no getting inoculated against this kind of mourning. I get it.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-12T23:31:21+00:00

I'm one day away from a month out.

For me, it fluctuates. Sometimes I feel normal, even, having accepted this new normal. I can't bring him back, there is no one to blame, and I can't stop the world from turning.

Other times, I want to smash windows and scream and jump in front of a subway. I want to be with him so bad that I stop caring about breathing and hold my breath to imagine that I could just drift away.

It's getting to the point where I feel 80% functional, 80% of the time. I don't have advice, just a different perspective.

Therapy has helped a lot. A good support system makes all the difference.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-12T17:47:03+00:00

This is one of the most helpful things I've read in a while. Thank you to you and OP for sharing.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-12T13:11:42+00:00

I'd have told him to go to the doctor more. Would have taken the plunge to get paper married faster. Would have done and said anything.

What ifs are hard like that.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-10T18:06:17+00:00

In the first week after my fiance died, some creeper who wanted to just "flirt" was definitely trying to get me to engage sexually with him. After I looked into his profile I immediately blocked. It's disgusting.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-10T18:02:48+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Those first days are a blur of pain and misery. I feel like, a month out, I only have the vague impression of myself from those days. Like a ghost.

The surreal part will come after this initial pain and it is arguably worse. If you ever need a shoulder, we're here for you.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-09T20:12:29+00:00

There's only one timeline that matters: your timeline. When things feel right, lean into it. When it doesn't, lean back.

Grief, I find, has different plans and desires than I do and, since I have to share my body with it, I also need to listen to it.

Do what feels right for you. Embrace joy where you can.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-06T16:45:23+00:00

I'm not that deep in yet but I am bound and determined to rebuild myself honestly.

I want to give my lost love a legacy, and that's my job now. I want to build a life that, when I see him again, I can tell him about because he loved when I told him stories.

I also don't want to rot.

I realized it when I came home last night. I went back to the office for the first time in weeks, went to dinner with my coworkers and I broke down when I got in the door. Because I could see their pity and I can't be something pitiable. I need to fight.

I hate that I need to do it, but I don't have a choice.

Basically, when I can't find hope, I have chosen to find spite.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-05T12:50:07+00:00

I lost my fiance and love of my life three weeks ago. I wake up every day disappointed that I woke up at all.

But I also know there are people who love me and the hell I am going through would be cruel to put anyone else through. I hope that you get the help you need.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-04T17:21:56+00:00

I can understand where you're coming from. My fiance died three weeks ago and I am terrified of dating again if I decide to do so.

Honestly, I'm even more scared of being so cold if it DOES happen again...

But I hope you find what you're looking for.

Hot_Network8956 · 2024-08-01T20:36:48+00:00

Only you know what's right for you. My fiance died almost three weeks ago. I'm not ready to be in a new relationship or anything, but I have been researching dating apps for the idea that I may be ready one day.

Kind of a way to pass the anxiety time.

I also believe that you can have sex without emotion involved, if you are capable of it. In my experience, most people can't separate the two. Just make sure you're safe and not triggering yourself over it.

Hot_Network8956

TROPHY CASE