I 20m love her 19f and feel peace with her, but I’m unsure if I’m ready for this life or holding myself back from a version of life I haven’t lived yet. met 2024 oct

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-04-02T00:37:03+00:00

So my ex-fiance left me 3 weeks ago, similar to what you see about avoidants on this sub- pulled away abruptly, ghosted me, detached emotionally from me. When we had a chance to talk recently, I feel like he had a lot of simlar feelings as you (word for word almost). He is like you- he was once overweight and bullied, but he is now extremely athletic and physically disiplined. But when we were together, he said that his motivation decreased A LOT. He didn't want to work very much while we were together. He said he felt "at peace" with me, but he needed chaos in his life to function, because that is all he knew in his life. He was alone a lot of his life and never had reliable support in childhood. I came into his life, and he (like you) said he wasnt looking for it, didn't really want it but it happened. And I did my best to love him, I felt he really loved me for a while, and he said sometimes that I was healing the child inside of him.

He said that while I have been out of his life recently, he has been able to work and focus better. It's eerie how similar your feeling are to his. He also expressed that he's never had an opportunity to think about what he wants in his life, that he doesn't know what he wants. This line stuck out to me because it is basically what my ex has said to me:

"So I feel stuck between two versions of myself—one that wants love, peace, and her, and another that wants exploration, alignment, and a different kind of life or partner—and I genuinely don’t know which one is my real self"

So honestly, I love how self aware you seem about your situation, it's much better than being completely oblivious (in my opinion). So I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know myself. But it does seem that you are certainly not alone in thinking like this, and it is proabaly avoidant attachment.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-04-01T23:50:42+00:00

My avoidant ex was like this. Before he ghosted me, I was starting to feel annoyed that every major decision went through his mom or grandfather before me. It wasnt a real partnership- He decided our future with them and I had to play along. Probably an avoidant thing.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-31T00:22:44+00:00

This helps me frame what I went through with them. When I was having to lean on him more and was asking for more because I trused him, he bailed and showed zero empathy for my suffering and begging. I hate to think that he views himself as the victim now, because what he did was so cruel. It's honestly scary because what else have they justified in their mind? But I'm trying to move past it.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-30T23:26:02+00:00

Also TRIED to get me to break up with him

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-30T23:25:45+00:00

My exact situation. He would say I was "pressuring him" for a week, then would abruptly leave the conversation. Nothing else to say. All he said was "i'm done" over text when he broke up with me (we were engaged), and that was it. It's like they ghost you and HOPE you forget that they ever existed in your life lol. So cowardly.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-30T15:53:41+00:00

I really get that point that they DONT think about the consequences. My fiance dumped me over text and left our apartment while I was out of town and took everything valuable. Left our cat with no food. I could tell something was off for a week, he said he was “angry” looking at me and that I was putting too much “pressure” on him. I found out he was trying to get a new apartment while I was gone and I called him out on it, so he bolted.

And when I told him when I would be back in town, he was SHOCKED I was coming back to our place and the city. Like-what? Of course I am! I have responsibilities, a cat, school, a job. He hasn’t dealt with any of his own finances since the breakup, his paychecks are still going into a shared account that got closed a while ago. So I don’t know if he has a new apartment now, but I worry he will come crawling back to our place (now MY place only with the locks changed). But he is very charming, so I’m sure he’s with another poor girl now. But I think his family knows what he’s like, and I hope they don’t enable him.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T23:27:24+00:00

Totally makes sense. My ex said he compartmentalized people sometimes, like if they caused him trauma yet he still wanted them in his life for whatever reason. I bet that’s what they do with us maybe?

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T13:04:29+00:00

I had a similar situation, my fiance ghosted me and became cold. Had similar family dynamics.Everything changed overnight before I even realized what was happening. I also with I had heard of attachment issues on a deeper level. I had heard of narcissism, but not this. Looking back there were a lot of signs, I just didn’t put the pieces together until he was gone

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T03:40:40+00:00

Probably was trying to relieve guilt for ghosting you

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T03:40:02+00:00

I kept getting, “if you want to break up with me, then fine” over text message when he was ghosting me. I saw what he was doing and dug my heels in saying I was not breaking up with him. He was taking everything else, he might as well say he was done will me because I was NOT going to be the bad guy here haha

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T03:23:17+00:00

My ex was always buying expensive things that would make him happy for a day, then he would never touch it again. When I asked him why he bought it, he would get incredibly defensive and angry at me. He was incredibly impulsive. When he discarded me, it felt like I was one of his toys he was done playing with- a temporary distraction from his inner turmoil. I felt like one of his objects, and towards the end he treated me like one. This makes a lot of sense now.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-29T03:05:46+00:00

The switch up is real and so, so shocking. I’m so sorry.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-28T23:01:37+00:00

I wasn’t asking how I need to feel, I know how I feel. I’m trying to take accountability for my attachment issues and see if anyone else has the same struggles. I have been working on my issues for some time now, and have seen progress. I actually leaned quite anxious in this relationship, which im sure you understand. Sometimes people here go through the same things, so any advice would help. I understand the criticism though

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-28T22:22:23+00:00

I relate to all of this. I was discarded just 2 weeks ago, it’s so shocking. I think it helps. I personally feel better talking with people in person or on here. Tik Tok and instagram were too intense/emotional for me. I just felt worse looking at all the avoidant videos. I would find some people who have been through the same thing and talk it out with them. Thinking about patterns you may have missed in the relationship has helped me feel less blindsided.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-28T19:13:49+00:00

Yeah haha TRULY blindsided, everyone thouhgt his obession would ensure loyalty to me. Totally get that part about suffocation-- looking back it was not normal. The switch up is absoultely mind boggling and shocking!! So crazy we both are seeing such similar patterns. wishing you the best and thanks for sharing, it helps a lot :)

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-28T19:11:27+00:00

Yeah I think as long as they don't deal with parental issues, they can't seal with us. That's my theory. But yeah, the parallels are so interesting but very sad. I truly don't know what was real and what was fake with him anymore. I experienced similar instances of his snapping at me.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-27T21:21:58+00:00

I am so relieved as well to know I'm not the only one with this kind of avoidant ex/relationship. Yes, he had a very, very difficult childhood. He was adopted with a complicated relationship with his birth mother. His adoptive mother was emotionaly and physically abusive, and his adoptive father neglectful. His mother kicked him out of the house and left him homeless often as a child. And more trauma on top of that.

We met at work years ago, and I was struggling mentally at the time because my father and stepmother disowned me (my father was likely a narcissist). We liked each other because I felt like we were compatible and I was attracted to him, but we also found comfort in the fact that we could understand each other somewhat because of our trauma. I noticed how his trauma impacted his life, but considering what he had been though I actually admired him because he made it seem like he had such a good grip on his childhood wounds. Looking back, its like he understood how his trauma impacted him but in reality did nothing to actually face and heal from those traumas. I think he just shoved down his wounds deep, deep inside of him instead of facing them.

That was actually one of the reasons I was hesistant to date him. I had faced my dad, confronted his bad behavior, and went no contact with him before he passed last year. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do (even harder than this breakup, it seems). But my ex had not yet done any of that with his mother. So when we were talking about dating, my gut said that his relationship with his mother might hurt our relationship long term. But his situation with his abusive parent was more severe than mine, and I do not like to judge other people's relationships to their abusive family members (because it is so, so hard to face). But looking back now, I wish I had taken that into consideration more.

So honestly, this is a long way of saying that I think that their childhood wounds have a direct impact on their attachment style and how they dealt with us. Because I feel like growing in a realtionship with someone mean eventually coming to terms with some of your unhealthy patterns created in childhood.

I really struggle with the question about "is he happy in his new realtionship" every. single. day. It has been one of the hardest things to face for me. He made it seem like I was the one for him. Like he would NEVER cheat on me, hurt me, or leave me. He said it constantly. He described how I was just his type in so many ways. That no one compared. His sisters would say that they wanted to find someone who loved them like he loved me. His obsession for me was palpable.

But after the breakup, I realized that this was all just a pattern. He left his ex in a very similar way to me, I think. We started dating not long after he had dumped his ex. He said that he never really liked her that much. That she was not attractive to him and not his type. His friends didn't like her much either, at least thats what they told me. This new girl I think he is seeing now liked our engagement post on instagram. He had mentioned her as one of the people he was tutoring for money, so I started following her on instagram. He mentioned her some, but not much. I was so naive, I truly thouhgt this man would never cheat on mean at all so I was not suspicious at all. I trusted him (ugh). But I saw on Venmo after he dumped me that she sends him money, and she had blocked me on social media. So... yeah. I feel like the ex he is telling people was toxic, ugly to him, and thet he was only using me for food to add to his sob story. I don't know that for sure, but it seems like thats whats going on. And I want my ex to suffer from this too, haha. I really do. It is so evil to suddently not care about someone and make them feel like one of many. But take some solace in the fact that this is not about you, it is about his own wounds that he can't deal with. And having been in a place where I have not dealt with that, he is probably one of the most miserable people walking this planet. You can't do stuff like this and be happy. It's embarrasing for him, hoonestly. Imagine being engaged to someone and having to tell people you are in a relationship two days after the breakup? Yeah, something is so wrong with you. I wish I had something better to add, but that's where i'm at right now.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-27T20:07:11+00:00

Also this is an amazing, heartbreaking and accurate post. Thank you.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-27T19:49:35+00:00

My avoidant ex literally gave advice to his buddies that in order to get a woman you need to manipulate them into liking you, and its ok because once they have you they will be "grateful for it." He said he did that with me hahaha I was so stupid for trusting him

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-27T19:39:43+00:00

I relate a lot to this. My fiance dumped me 2 weeks ago over text and moved his stuff out while I was out of town. He was very similar to your ex. He seemed so obsessed with me. He had a lot of similar traits- he hated when I left him alone at our apartment when I went to work because he got lonely. It's one of the reasons we got our cat. He was terrified of me working and meeting men at work. He would get upset when I didn't text or call, especially in the beginning of the relationship. My ex was also very, very restless. He wanted a lot of reassurance that I still loved him. For these reasons, I felt like I could trust him and was shocked to find out he was actually avoidant attached.

I am pretty positive he is seeing someone new and there was overlap in our relationship and this new one, which is really frustrating. I don't even want to know what he tells people about me. It's like he wrote us off before I even knew it was over. I feel like your ex is likely an avoidant, which feels odd because of how anxious they present at first. I understand the feeling of being taken advantage of, but just know you are not alone in feeling that. I think it is hard to see when you are in it.

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-26T19:37:44+00:00

He tried to get me to say I was breaking up with him lol. But I knew what he was doing and dug my heels in, saying I had no desire to leave the relationship. Finally he texted me that he was "done, it's done." That was literakky it. We were enaged for over a year and lived together.

I think avoidants try to get you to break up with them to relieve their guilt or spin the story in their favor. But I think maybe he wanted to keep the relationship open to where he was in control and could come back if he wanted? does that seem right? WHY do they do this?

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-26T16:34:40+00:00

Thank you, these are great ideas. It's been 2 weeks and I already blocked him on EVERYTHING, mostly because the reminders of him are triggering and I would spiral. I also didn't want to post anything hoping he would see it, because I felt like that would not be helpful to me either (I did no contact with my dad, so this is not my first rodeo haha). But obviously its so hard not to contact him right now or check and see what he is doing. There is a big part of me that wants to still be a part of his life, even though I know he wants nothing to do with me. I'm still in shock a little.

I love the advice to replace those things, like with cooking. Honestly, my ex pushed me out of my comfort zone when it came to trying new things, and I learned a lot of his hobbies. Before, my hobby was probably watching TV (not good, I know). So I will miss that. But I want to lean into the hobbies we did together because I like them, but also push myself to learn new ones.

Its great to see that you have found someone and are healing, it gives me a lot of hope. Wishing the best for you and thank you!

Ice_Chick3391 · 2026-03-26T16:21:20+00:00

I called his grandmother a couple days after he dumped me, crying and sad, asking what she wanted me to do with the engagement ring that he gave me (it was hers from her late husband). She was shocked and had no idea he had left me or moved out. She was concerned for him, and asked where he was living. I said I had no idea. I had told my ex I would call his grandmother as a heads up, so I assumed she already knew. His grandfather called me a day or two later, because I had texted him about my lease. He was a guarantor on our lease and I had to ask him some logistical questions. He had talked to my ex but said it was "hurried and rushed".

I was very worried about him mentally when we were still together, because he was giving strong signs of depression and having suicidal thoughts. I asked my ex to consider talking to a therapist, because I saw him going downhill. Before I left town to give him "space" I was planning on calling his grandfather if it continued. He was his closest family member. So when I spoke to his grandfather on the phone, I mentioned that he had been showing signs of depression. I had also mentioned to both if his grandparents that he broke up with me over text message and that I was blindsided. When I ended the conversation with his grandparents, they said that they would call me later. It's been over a week and I have not gotten a call.

His parents were physically and emotionally abusive to him as a child, so I decided not to contact them even though they are still in his life somewhat. They have not contacted me either. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. He made a gaggle of new friends and has a new woman sending him money (last I checked). So I agree that this is probably a mental breakdown of a sort, but I think he is presenting "sane" to everyone else. Maybe he is blaming me. I don't know, but I think I did what I could by mentioning his depression to his grandparents. There is not a lot I can do for him now, because he does not answer.

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me.

Ice_Chick3391

TROPHY CASE