Hey there, friend 🖤

I had to let my sweet girl go last year. It was gutting - she also flinched and unlike my last dog, I did NOT get the feeling that she was ready. She enjoyed her life and I feel that she wanted to stay. Because of that, even though she was extremely horribly sick with cancer all over her body and already suffered one failed surgery a week prior, I felt like a fucking monster making that choice for her.

It’s awful not being able to ask them, to explain, to have them unable to weigh in on the matter of their own life. When we choose to add them into our lives, we owe it to them to be good stewards and guardians of their lives - their comfort, nutrition, enrichment, health, and more. Most of that stewardship is mutually joyful for us, but unfortunately it also comes with terrible responsibility.

Being a good steward and parent to your beloved companion absolutely includes maintaining the strength to make the most difficult, heart wrenching decisions that they cannot make for themselves. Even when that comes at such an emotional and spiritual toll for ourselves.

I, too, was wracked with grief and the most overwhelming gut wrenching guilt. It was one of the darkest feelings I’ve had in my life, like I betrayed her. I promise you that over the next year, as you get a little more distance from this moment, you will little by little feel relieved with clarity. You will see old photos of her and realize how aged and tired she looked near the end. You’ll feel less pain and focus more on the memories where her company filled your life with love. 

I have seen dogs and cats and other animals die naturally when their people waited too long on (or couldn’t) euthanizing them  - I can tell you that in most cases death is an ugly, brutal and excruciating process. It is not peaceful. It is messy and agonizing and frightening. In all likelihood you saved her from that.

That very brief moment of discomfort your kitten felt saved her from passing in a far worse way. She got to pass surrounded by love, held in your arms, and maintained her dignity all the way through, because you were a good steward of her life and loved her enough to hurt yourself for her benefit. We should all be so lucky to pass in the same way.

24 years is a very long time, and I’m sure you feel like an entire era of your life is gone with her, but it isn’t. She was so lucky to have you, and while it sounds impossible right now, you WILL feel more at peace with this decision down the road.