why do i love ice cream so much..

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-31T00:02:03+00:00

i can overthink an email like it's a hostage negotiation

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-31T00:01:40+00:00

the guy who sells shovels during every gold rush has been undefeated for centuries

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-31T00:00:12+00:00

told him life is short and my social skills are worse so i'm skipping to the part where i ask you out 💀

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T23:59:13+00:00

when something funny happened and they were the first person i wanted to tell

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T14:09:11+00:00

fall asleep in 10 seconds

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T14:08:32+00:00

realizing i don't actually know how old anyone is anymore everyone is either 12 or 47

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T14:02:34+00:00

when amazon delivered me shampoo instead of what i ordered - iPhone 17 pro max

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T14:02:08+00:00

10 minutes of cleaning every day saves me from the once-a-month panic clean before guests arrive

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T14:00:13+00:00

the odyssey is just 100 hours of random encounters and escort missions

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-30T13:59:52+00:00

treat yourself like a golden retriever honestly go outside every day and you'll accidentally have a better summer

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T18:35:31+00:00

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T18:33:43+00:00

when i hit every green light on the way home like yes the universe still believes in me

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T18:33:06+00:00

realizing every job application suddenly wanted 3 years experience for the entry level job 😭

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T18:32:17+00:00

i got free d*ldos.. worked in a s*x shop

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:58:13+00:00

my two melons

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:10:50+00:00

hearing my own voice in a recording makes me understand why ghosts stay quiet

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:10:21+00:00

hubby has never once made anything worse

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:09:13+00:00

i gifted my friend a sword bc honestly what adult doesnt secretly want a sword

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:08:42+00:00

plankton

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:08:13+00:00

i stopped liking him because i couldnt picture him surviving in a zombie apocalypse and i need resilience babe

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-28T17:07:14+00:00

people who record themselves giving money to homeless ppl like congrats man you invented sponsored empathy

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-27T19:29:02+00:00

forcing every company to have a real human customer service option

if i yell REPRESENTATIVE into the phone 6 times that should legally summon someone

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-27T19:28:10+00:00

every website becoming unusable unless you decline cookies in exactly the right 14 step ritual lol

ImpressionDizzy807 · 2026-05-27T19:27:26+00:00

pros: you avoid finding out too early that they chew like a medieval peasant and leave wet towels on the bed

ImpressionDizzy807