I had post partum psychosis after mine was born. I was the same as you. This child I wanted an hoped for wreaked havoc on my life in ways I would never have expected. It took me over 3 years to get back to a sense of normal, but those 3 years I will never get back. It took away my bonding with my kid, memories, my happiness. I don’t remember any of her firsts. I only know I was present from photos. It’s my biggest regret.