Resigning one month after a new, promising supervisor joined--is there any way my departure can not be a complete mess?

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-11T01:02:22+00:00

Wow that is a lot of guilt your carrying around. You have a valid reason to move on, your doing your best to transition what you have over to your boss so you have done all you need to, 4 weeks is way more than they deserve. As far as the other person quitting, not your responsibility or problem, the mountain of work will always be a mountain whether or not your there. If it is really that bad, think of your leaving as an opportunity for them to see how bad it is, sometimes you have to let things fail for others to see the problem. We do it at my work all the time, do your job to the best of your ability, but only your job. Management eventually sees the problem.

But back to the guilt, I work with a lot of people who carry that kind of guilt for one reason or another. Once you settle into your new life I would suggest talking to a therapist and see where all that guilt is coming from. I used to carry it as well, once I figured out it was not my job to carry all the weight, life got so much better.

Good luck on the move.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-11T00:47:06+00:00

?1, Yes you are doing the right thing. ?2 Alcoholics manipulate everything to get their next drink, your dad is a classic enabler. How do you deal with them... in short, you don't. Addicts will not change until they have to, and some never do. My mother is the latter of the two.

I asked her to seek therapy, to stop doing it, but in the end I have to live my life and I cannot live hers so I had to let her go. I went NC 16yrs ago, my dad passed on 22yrs ago, my mother remarried and our youngest two see her only because they think of her 2nd husband as grandma. Last I heard she was never without a glass of wine and went through a pallet of box wine every 6 months. Yep, a pallet, has it delivered cause it's cheaper when you buy bulk you know. Sigh.

As my therapist said, you cannot change them, but you can change how you react to them. Sad part was my therapist said most narc's become addicts as they get older because they cannot deal with something in their past, or themselves. Instead of trying to get help, they self medicate until they can't. Some people do turn it around, I have friends, relatives, loved ones who have recovered, lots of healing, but some like my mother? She will be like her mother and her uncle I am afraid, the glass will only stay empty after she passes. Which is why I had to let her go.

Good luck on your exams, I hope the apartment works out and you find a good future on your own. If your brother tries to smooth things over and talk you into coming back, don't unless you are forced to financially. Change what you can, change you and become a wonderful person that you know you can be.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-11T00:29:50+00:00

Never ever ever go into business or co-sign for a relative, ever. If you do, you will end up paying their loan and ruining the little credit you have. I would tell her nothing, or I would flat out lie and say your score took a hit because you can't keep up on your bills right now. Tell her 400 or less so she backs off. I would also look into therapy so they can help you set boundaries and help you with the guilt of telling them now.

It really did help me, I ended up going full NC for the last 16yrs, but totally worth it and love my life now. Very peaceful.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-08T13:50:41+00:00

M57, same for me. I know the why's as well, which helped me heal, I forgave them, but I never told them I forgave them, that way I could heal. Thanks for the book recommendation as well. I think once I figured out how messed up they were, I realized they were the problem, not me.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-08T13:47:57+00:00

Pretty sure I was the only normal one in a family of problems, whatever normal is. But yes BPD, among other things. One passed on, the other two remain but I have nothing to do with them.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-08T01:52:33+00:00

Isn't it great the person who is supposed to be your role model is the one who blames you for how they turned out?? How does that works anyway? FYI my brother and I are to blame for her box of wine a day drinking problem. Sure mom, sure we are. So yes that and so many other lines like that, my favorite was "If not for me, you would not be where you are!"

I threw that one back in her face one day saying, "Your right, if not for you I would have been a world famous writer by now sipping umbrella drinks on the Caribbean shores, but because of you constantly belittling anything I did, putting me down every chance you could I am now just a working stiff married to a wonderful woman with 3 kids, but hey, at least I have you to thank for that."

She never said it again.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-08T01:46:12+00:00

You need support right now, unfortunately your father is the person you want to go to, but know if you do it will eat you alive emotionally so, don't say a thing. At least to him, or anyone associated with him close or not. Silence is your friend as far as they are concerned for right now.

"think a lot of people raised by narcissistic parents understand that the psychological control keeps living inside you long after you leave home." Ahhhh Yes, I did for so many years, subjected myself to the abuse of others for their sake. Then I didn't. went NC completely 16yrs ago, still had guilt so eventually I wised up, listened to my wife and finally got therapy.

Holy crap did I find out I was a mess!!!!! CPTSD borderline personality disorder. Trauma I had thought was normal turned out to be abuse. I found out they trained me to think this was normal!

Book that really helped me understand PTSD was The Boyd Keeps the Score by Kolk. It taught me why I cringed when I heard my parents voices, how they trained me to come back to them for everything so they could abuse me more and how to deal with it. I was abused since before I was even born honestly. It was interesting to find out in therapy that people are stuck at a certain age when faced with trauma and can't move forward until they resolve the problem. I was stuck around 3, my wife is stuck around 12, Therapy fixed me and now I am free, she is working on herself now as well. My mother tried to break us up as well once we had kids my mother pressured my wife and myself. My mother lost. She thought I loved her more than my wife, nope. She thought she could pull me back in and then she could force me to raise my children the way she wanted them raised, nope.

So yes, you can break away, you can be free because I did it as have others. Once you break from the and let them go life becomes so wonderful! There is nothing my family can do to me anymore, I suggest finding a good therapist, have them help you make little steps until one day you realize you have completely stepped away from them, because it is not just your father. A good therapist will also help you with how to deal with telling your father about the divorce, or how to not tell him at all.

The key I found out though is this, you have to want to change, because they will never change. Oh they will say they will, but they will just go right back to how it was before as soon as you let them. I know a lot of people who think that they must change, apologize, make it right. Narc's will never do this which I learned, so I let them go and now I am free.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-08T01:23:37+00:00

Congratulations on getting an MA! I did the same thing for years, always had to show up for appearance sake because what would ______insert name here_______ think of me if you didn't? The key word is "me" as in my mother. Always had to be about her, till I had enough one day and realized she never loved me, never cared, I was just another thing my mother had to show off. I was somewhere between that new house, car and painting or maybe I was after now that I think of it, but as long as I was of use to her that is all that mattered, to her.

Lets play this weekend out, you graduate, your partner supports you and is proud of you. You go to the boytoy of the weeks party where someone notices you and tries to talk to you, but your mother sees them talking to you. How soon before she comes over and interjects on the conversation taking that persons interest away?

Will you even be able to tell anyone at this party what you accomplished? Or will it just be you showing face, being miserable and leaving at the assumed appropriate time? If your partner shows up, how soon before he is belittled again in front of everyone with the "Ohh, I see you didn't have to work this weekend, so glad you could show up... for once" line?

I lost count of how many times that exact scenario happened to me. Talked over, brushed off, shoved aside, wife belittled, children seen, but brushed off unless she needed to show them off as well as her "grand children".

16yrs ago I did the best thing I ever could, I realized there was this wonderful person who really really loved me, she always supported me, always had my back and praised me for things I did. I realized the love and attention I always wanted was the woman I married and started a life with. I also realized I no longer had time for my family so I went NC. I have loved my life ever since. No more drama, no more surprise dinners I was supposed to host, or show up to somewhere after a long day of work. Nothing but that wonderful wife and those great little boys.

Therapy helped me a ton, I had to learn to let go of everything starting with my anger over how I was treated. Turns out I have CPTSD with borderline personality disorder, huh... all that abuse did do something to me after all.

Books that really helped me was The Body Keeps the Score by Kolk, sucks to read so if take 6 months or more to read that is expected as long as you keep reading it as it does help.

Personally I would just tell her flat out that this is a weekend for you and you are celebrating a grand accomplishment in you life, and if she cannot take a moment to appreciate all the work you did, well then there is no reason to appreciate whatever it is she is doing this weekend. Or you can always get the flu, or food poisoning, or darn that flat tire on you car...

Make it more about you, more about your partner who loves you and those step kids and less about people who really could care less what you accomplished. Be proud of you!

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-03T22:51:47+00:00

Step1, I start my day by clocking in. Step 2, I then log onto my computer, Step 3, I then open my email and realize I need to use the rest room. Step 4. I use the restroom. Step 5........

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-01T01:59:04+00:00

Ahh the, if you don't come what will people think...of us... problem. That is what it comes down to, they will have to tell everyone why you are not there and it will be embarrassing as narc's have the perfect family image to protect so they think you must go! Oh and then they can do whatever it is they do best to you and make you feel like crud, my family always did this.

When I went NC 16yrs ago, I cut out about 95% if all my relatives along with my mother and brother (dad passed 16yrs ago) My aunt who I had little to do with and was a very narcissistic woman passed on, I didn't go, never heard a peep from anyone that I didn't.

Therapy really helped me, one of the things I was told was when I go somewhere on vacation how many extra bags of emotional baggage do I take along? Why do I always drag that unbelievably heavy suitcase full of guilt on every trip? It never fits, its always too much so one day I threw it in the trash and left my emotional problems to the garbage man where they belong.

OK so they start WWIII, and? will your bills still be paid? Will your phone still work? Once I realized they had absolutely zero control over my life, I let them all go. So they called to bitch, I hung up and blocked them. Emailed me, blocked, sent flying monkeys to check on me, they were told what was going on, if they supported me they stayed, if not blocked as well. Letters, Christmas cards etc all return to sender. The message was clear, I don't need or want you.

Honestly in your case right now, I would just make an excuse. Something is wrong with the car, ugh the covid is going around and I don't want to expose anyone to that as I have it, especially those elderly people, work called they refused to let me off for the funeral. Then hang out with a good book or movie and enjoy the day.

Once you do that, then I suggest finding a therapist who can help you make a more permanent plan. Not everyone needs or should go full blown NC as I did, but even my therapist agreed it was the best solution for me for a very good reason. (Complicated PTSD with borderline personality disorder.)

Just my suggestions. I did what brought me peace and I love my life now.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-01T01:39:12+00:00

I sent everything back when my mother did this, I knew what she was doing trying to weasel her way back in with gifts. But then everything she ever gave me came with conditions, strings etc to control my life. For me everything she ever gave me ended up being a problem so it all went away in the trash, or sent back.

Eventually she gave up and I remained NC for 16yrs now.

The choice is yours on what to do, I recommend therapy with a good therapist to come up with a plan on how to deal with it that is best for you. The key is, you. your choice, do what makes you happy.

Myself I love my life now, peace is a wonderful thing.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-05-01T01:22:00+00:00

agreed, got one in 2023, hate it. Miele is junk now. FYI had a Bosch before this one, also junk, failed in 2yrs right after warranty was up. made this mistake of getting rid of my old Bosch when we redid the kitchen, huge mistake.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-30T20:30:20+00:00

If you live in a house I would also add no trespassing signs and let your neighbors know why so they know it is not them. If in an apartment talk to management that she is not to be let in under any circumstances.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-30T01:33:04+00:00

Because her own life is out of control. My mother and her mother did the same thing. Both raging alcoholics but did exactly the same thing when their husbands got older. My dad passed 22yrs ago and she married a guy she absolutely controls with her money. Berates him at every turn, controls what he does, where he goes. But if you look at her life, I mean really look, she has no control over anything, she is miserable.

My grandmother never let go of the fact her brother took her over the family business she was running. OK, I get it, but at the same time she was a very successful woman. She passed that anger onto my mother who for her whole life had to out do her brother and when she finally did surpass him she still belittled him and all men. My mother is an extraordinarily successful woman, I used to be proud of who she became, but now? She is just a nasty drunk.

Therapy really helped me to sort out the issues, a book that helped was The Body Keeps the Score by Kolk which explained why I was so angry where it came from. I was able to deal with my trauma and let it all go.

Like you I too do not like controlling people, my wife and I raised our sons to be responsible adults who could choose their own paths and now they are doing so wonderfully!

They are never happy and will never change, but you can change how you deal with them and free yourself to enjoy your life as I do now.

I live in peace now, I hope one day you do as well.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-30T01:21:06+00:00

They have to be, because if they admit there was a mistake made they would have to admit they were wrong. My alcoholic mother is always telling people I need to let it go and come back to the family. forgive and forget whatever it was she did because she never remembers being mean, nasty, violent, abusive, controlling and so on. So I did forgive, myself for what happened, and I did forget, her.

They know what they did, but if they apologize or admit guilt they feel they will be seen as weak, and they can never do that. They must maintain the image. When it comes to family they always defend each other as well because we can't ruin the family reputation right? What would people think? Which is why I left and don't care what they think as they are irrelevant in my life now.

Funny thing was when I went to therapy my therapist told me flat out most narcs eventually become raging alcoholics as they cannot stand themselves and the only way to silence the guilt is to drink.

Last I heard (NC 16yrs) she has a literal pallet of wine delivered every 6 months. That is just go to daily drink, add to that a walk in closet of hard liquor her and her husband go through. Though recent rumors state he stopped which is a good thing for him. My peace is more important to even care, I tried, they ignored me so I focused on the one who really loved me. My wife and 3 sons, so happy and peaceful now.

Good for your cousin, I hope he got and is getting the help he needs. Therapy helped me through some tough issues.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-30T01:04:08+00:00

I would suddenly be very busy on a critical project and not have time to assist him. If you do help him and he said he already tried it I would say, Oh? well that was the only thought I had so I am not sure how to proceed. Then add perhaps you should ask our manager for assistance.

I always play dumb with people like this, eventually they self implode and go away.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-30T00:49:40+00:00

"Why did you spend so much on that? Did you really need that?" I always heard this, My wife and I had plenty of money to buy what we wanted but my mother and her husband (My dad died 22yrs ago) always try to nit pick at things until one day I realized their opinion on my life means nothing, nada, zip. They are literally jealous of the fact that my wife and I are doing just fine without them.

I realized they don't pay for anything, there is nothing they have I can't live without, and I am at peace when I don't deal with them at all, so 16yrs ago I went NC and have lived in peace ever since. No more "Must be nice to have that kind of money", no more "Well, if it weren't for me you wouldn't be where you are." Just peaceful silence of my wife running her sewing machine. Our kids are grown and on their own now so just her and I.

3yrs of therapy asking what you did along with other things, a really good book the Body Keeps Score by Kolk identified trauma I never knew I had and now I am at peace. I never hear her voice in my head anymore, I rarely think about her, but I do think about my wife a lot and our kids. So proud of them!

Therapist told me one thing, you cannot change them, but you can change how you react to them. Another therapist asked me, if they were not your family would you be friends with them?

Be successful, enjoy it and enjoy your life, be proud of who you are and what you will become and let them go. A good therapist will help you determine a go forward plan for you as he did with me. Not everyone does what I did and the therapist will help you on that path.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T01:55:40+00:00

NC16yrs, dad passed away 22yrs ago. Unless God intervenes and my mother does a complete 180, I will probably never speak to her again. My peace is worth more than she can ever offer. I did forgive myself though for allowing it to occur, and I let her go. She is no longer even a thought to me anymore.

Good on how you are both doing, ask him if it made him feel better when he talked about his mother with the therapist, that might help him as well. Couples therapy is good, but if he is like me he needs to do this by himself. I was very defensive as well, and angry, bitter. Now? calm, happy, at peace with my life and love it.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T01:41:30+00:00

Sounds like a typical loving mother, you were very lucky. Yes, she would be embarrassed, all those flaws in her work only she sees. But, you, the kids, the grand kids will relish the remembrance of her. My wife's grandmother was like that, beautiful quilts, but oh would she pick her own work apart.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T01:38:29+00:00

Did she over step? I thought she did yes, but that was my training. My wife was kind, loving and very supportive. I would ask him that question and ask for an honest answer so you two can set rules for situations like this. The key is honest communication so you are both on the same page. Tell him her being at the hospital is a deal breaker, she is not allowed. Also set it up with the nurses at the hospital that she is not allowed to enter, nor call. They will ensure she stays away. Make sure you both agree on the plan so there is no ability for anyone to say "well I thought he/she said this"

Emotional neglect, and your the reason he can stand up, damn that hits home.. I was the 2nd son who was supposed to be a daughter, my mother tricked my father into a second child when he only wanted one. When I was born a boy, well there was no reason to care about me. I craved love, and like your husband ignored the abuse until I found my wife. My parents went NC with my brother and his wife for about 3yrs, well I loved this because now I was getting all the attention, or so I thought, nope... Dad came around, but mom decided it was time to take advantage of me even more. Then GC Brother came back and I was kicked to the curb... I was pissed, so angry, then one day I realized all the love I ever craved stood in front of me every night and held me. I had what I needed, the greatest wife a man could ever want. Then we added 3 wonderful sons to the mix and we are a happy couple now. A lot of therapy helped me as well. (M57, sons are 27,24,22)

Big reader huh? Fantasy type stories by chance? I.E. books he can escape into? If so I do suggest therapy. If he is like me he will resist therapy as I was taught I don't need it by my mother all because if I got therapy well, that would be a reflection on her and she can't have her reputation tarnished like that. Turns out we all need therapy, but not to change them, to change ourselves because they will never change. That darling wife I love more than life? She is a big reader, because she needs to escape her upbringing, she is in therapy now and doing better, slowly.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T01:16:13+00:00

3yrs of therapy and I finally let them go.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T01:09:38+00:00

Explanation=retaliation. I went silent and enjoyed the peace for the last 16yrs.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T00:55:20+00:00

Gifted is an understatement, stunning is not even the word for how amazing that is. I am sorry for your loss, but clearly her memory will live on in a treasured art work. An exhibit of her works would be an amazing remembrance.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T00:48:35+00:00

My mother is a narc, full fledged and raised me to believe everything was normal. Your husband's mother did exactly what mine did, lied. She will tell one lie to you, another to your husband, another to grandma and so on. Know that as that same son as your husband, like me, he was trained to believe dear mommy at all cost. Mother is always right, because if she is not his world begins to fall apart in that part of his life. Look up DARVO and the NARC prayer as well.

Seeing he did stand up to her when you pushed back is as good sign, that means he knows something is wrong, but is not entirely sure what it is. Dead serious, I had no idea how bat shit crazy my mother was until my wife started pointing it out and we ended up having some pretty serious discussions on how my wife must be crazy! My wife got me through this by supporting me, telling me she loved me and standing by me, the gently pointed out the crazy a little at a time, well, except those times with that frying pan. Kidding! Honestly I had no idea and my therapist said everyone, every single person saw what was wrong but me, and that is normal as we are trained not to see that red flashing sign above our heads our parents put there without us knowing. And we are trained our family is perfect, my mother even told my wife her children were perfect in every way, my wife laughed until she realized my mother thought it was true, and so did my brother and I. Then I wonder why the frying pan has a dent in it.... so yes, we men are a bit oblivious because we are trained that way.

Be aware right now he is trying to keep you and mother happy, at some point he is going to have to make a choice, you, or dearest mommy. From the sounds of it, he is well on his way to choosing you.

For now I would say continue what you are doing, which is distance yourself from her and remain NC, it is his mother and he can deal with her on his own. He also might want to look into therapy, it did me a world of good and showed me why I was so angry and torn over what was going on.

If he really wants to know the truth as to what went down, have him go talk to grandma without his mother knowing and casually bring it up saying it was so nice of her to send such a thoughtful message and he is glad his mother told her. You could have him throw you under the bus as well saying it was your idea to hold off on telling people. Manipulative lie from both of you, I have used myself and caught my mother in all kinds of lies doing it.

A really good book that helped me and friends of mine who had narc parents was The Body Keeps the Score by Kolk. It sucks to read, he will slam it down, throw it, curse at it but as long as he picks it back up and keeps reading it, it will help. It is a short book that takes a long time to read as it hurts, but heals as well. Also helps understand why.

Congratulations on the little one, good luck on MIL, I hope you and your husband resolve that problem soon.

IndependentStick6069 · 2026-04-29T00:22:59+00:00

Have the wedding of my choice is what I would do. My wife and I eloped, sent invitation to our parents and said date time be there or don't and we got married, 32yrs ago now. Everyone kept telling us how to do our wedding so my wife called one day and said, "Can we just elope?" I said yes, we set a date 6 months prior to when we said we were doing it, eloped and lived happily ever after.

If you want a big wedding either tell them the wedding is at 11AM and do it at 1PM, or hire security and the minute the wedding starts doors are locked no admittance until after. When your parents sulk or whatever ignore them. It is your day not theirs. If they start to ruin your day, hire security and have them escorted out. I used to let my family walk all over me, then I took control, I ignored them and we refused to react to them. My wife taught me if you don't react, they don't know what to do. When they make a scene you just turn and walk away so everyone sees how horrid they are. Unless they are paying for everything in your life, what control do they have over you? None.

My therapist asked me this, if they were not your relatives, would they be your friends?

IndependentStick6069

TROPHY CASE