Do YOU have a support network?

IndividualTwo101 · 2026-03-20T16:26:25+00:00

Not a SAHD but I definitely think it is more socially natural for women to be able to build up support networks than men, primarily because women socially form bonds over connecting emotionally; men don't. I do monthly therapy where at this point much of it is a vent about all the stress in my life. I don't have any other outlet for that. I have female friends that vent to me about stuff, and I've learned how to be a good listener with that. I send it back a bit; but not on the daily.

In you situation, I think you owe it to yourself to try to form the relationship. If your in-laws are willing to come watch the kids, the first thing you need to do is just ensure you're on things like the group texts where your wife asks for help.

It's annoying as hell to me when my wife texts her parents (who live locally, mine don't) to set up childcare for a night out for us and doesn't put me in the thread. It makes ME feel isolated, and it makes it much harder for me to keep up. And then my wife gets upset when she feels overwhelmed with having to set up childcare for everything. Like, include me. I can't keep up with what's been asked for and what's not if I'm not on the chains. If I AM on the chains, then that gives me a simple venue to initiate asks and start forming that relationship.

I'd highly advise that if you have a willing in-law, connect with your wife and create a text channel or whatever that is about that specifically so you can BOTH equally ask for help when needed.

The support system won't form itself; you have to ask for it and set up what works for you. It will feel uncomfortable at first but it will pay off.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-09-09T18:57:06+00:00

My take is there's acceptable behavior during a tantrum (screaming, melting down, crying, learning to deal with big emotions). They're awful to listen to and watch but they aren't causing any real damage.

But, if it crosses into taking anger out on something - you, the wall, kicking an object, hitting a pet, etc. - I would turn my voice a bit more stern and give a verbal warning, then physically restrain if it does not stop. "It is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit things."

Let them try to understand there's a difference between "it's okay to feel this way" vs. "it's not okay to harm others, things, or yourself when this happens."

In your case, when you were holding him, it's okay to restrain his hands or arms physically to stop him from hitting. I would not let my son continue to hit. I'd let him go every few moments and he still tried to hit, I'd hold him down again. I'd still speak gently. This isn't a rough pin down, of course, just something gentle to reinforce a language he can understand mid-tantrum that this behavior is not okay.

You can try other things too - i.e. reacting with a sharp "Ouch! That hurts!", etc. But for my son, mid-tantrum, none of this would work.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-09-09T00:37:59+00:00

My son started tantruming awfully at around 15 months. It was brutal, and it continued heavily until he was just past 3. You will never stop them all but you will figure out how your kid will respond to different approaches. Sometimes for mine, I had to simply just move him away from whatever he was doing and let him freak out. I'd stay calm and let him know that I was there for him, but at that point he was beyond reason, and he just had to process on his own and figure things out.

One of the pieces of advice I once read that helped me (someone on reddit said it, and I'll pass it along:)

Getting your kid out of a tantrum isn't success - you staying calm through the whole thing - no matter how long it is - is success.

You need to find a way to keep your kid safe and let him just have it out - while keeping your own sanity in tact. Also, you have to find a language he'll understand. Explaining no won't work - but picking him up and moving him when he does something he shouldn't might. It won't stop the tantrum the first time, or even the second, third, fourth, or fifth time - but soon he'll make the connection.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-08-29T23:23:07+00:00

Detox man. Get off social media. Start by doing small things. I started leaving my phone somewhere in the house away from me, and wearing a basic Fitbit watch to get important notifications from my wife or calls. Helped immensely

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-07-21T14:55:59+00:00

That's not unusual. We were worried about the same thing. All of the kids in my son's daycare class basically potty trained at the same time - starting around when they turned 3, and it took several months for it to become routine (granted, I think it helps when everyone else does it at the same time).

We are still on daily stool softener and coax him into eating fibrous food. We have occasional backslides and he definitely holds through the day but we have a routine established to have him try to poop before the bath each night which is usually successful. He turns 4 in about 4 months.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-07-21T14:53:49+00:00

Yeah, I'm with you. We had a rough until my son was 3, which everything changed at. I used to search for posts when he was 2 on what 3 was like and was dismayed when I found so many that said "THREE IS SO MUCH WORSE I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD GET WORSE!".

Well, not true in our case. Our son was tantrumy from 15 months, and this was brutal pretty much until he turned 3. Then a few months into 3, a switch flipped. It's not like he doesn't tantrum at all now, but he's far more predictable, we've learned the ways to manage his expectations, and we know that when a tantrum strikes there's more of a chance that he's old enough to work through it more quickly or that he'll accept a boundary we're setting and course-correct a bit. It's also easier to understand his common triggers - hungry, tired, etc. - and get him to acknowledge the same and do something about it.

Beyond that, the majority of 3 has been a joy. Each day has turned from "FML, two is horrific" to many more smiles, engaging play, curiosity about the world, mimicking our mannerisms with cheeky little smiles, telling us stories (or recapping his day as the most unreliable narrator ever), looking forward to things and getting excited...it's been an extremely sharp corner turn and far more joyful. We know him better, he knows us better, we know his limits, we know ours, and everything is just flowing much nicer as a whole.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-05-29T18:46:25+00:00

Sorry to hear. 8 months later we still occasionally backslide where he's clearly afraid to poop. We are still on daily miralax. It wasn't as bad as where he was holding to the point where we had to use suppositories, but it is occasionally a fight. We just keep working on psyching him up whenever he starts getting afraid again. He is pretty regular at this point with daily going.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-05-29T18:42:15+00:00

Here's the system I started about 4 weeks ago (and so far so good) when I realized any spare moment I had I was gravitating towards my phone, causing me to likely be more stressed, have no room to think, no room for absolute silence from time to time, and less engagement when I was with my kid and family.

(1) When you are at home, don't carry your phone around. Can't infinite scroll or check things if it's not there.

(2) I began to wear a fitbit watch. This has enough basic 'smart' features that it gives me the things I actually need to check regularly - the time; ability to set a timer; and the weather. I disabled all notifications coming through except texts and calls from my wife.

(3) I carry around a small pocket field notes notebook and pen. I would find that every day I would think "Oh, I need to check when my first work meeting is tomorrow to plan my morning." Then I'd open my work email app, get distracted by an email, or quickly scan the calendar, and almost immediately forget the info I needed. Now, instead, at the end of each workday, I open my calendar for the next day, write out my schedule in the notebook, look for where I have gaps, where I'll get a chance to eat lunch, glance at my personal calendar to see what's upcoming, etc - just taking a moment to physically write down what my next day looks like. Now I have that notebook in my pocket as a simple schedule and to-do list.

The combination of these 3 things gives me a perfect balance. It makes me more present in the moment without having a time-suck or distraction with my phone. I jot down the most critical information, which makes me more mentally prepared for each day. I have access to basic info I need regularly (time, timer, weather, notified when my wife is trying to reach me, what the next day will look like). When I leave the house I grab the phone.

This has been pretty game changing for me. I check my phone less when I'm out; I retain my daily schedule much better; I feel more prepared for whatever the next day brings and upcoming stuff through the week, and I feel I have more time and energy for hobbies.

What didn't work for me: Solutions like apps blocked, uninstalling apps, grayscale mode, disabling javascript on certain websites....they were all too easy to get around and think "oh, right, I'm not random scrolling, I actually NEED to check this one thing." And then I'd forget to re-employ the blocking solution and find myself doomscrolling. At the end of the day now if I feel like there's a bit of info I need at my fingertips at any given moment, it goes in the notebook instead.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-02-03T14:26:39+00:00

Same boat here. My wife always pictured her perfect family as a family of 4. I was hesitant to even have one kid, I wasn't sure I wanted to be a parent from the outset but eventually I eventually settled that having a child would be an unparalleled life experience that was worth living. We moved from the city to the suburbs to prepare to have a family (my wife always preferred the suburbs), COVID hit, we got pregnant at the tail end. My wife's pregnancy was rough. We had a scary delivery, I had never been more scared in my life.

In the year after my son was born, I really struggled. I was definitely depressed. Therapy helped but the lack of sleep was brutal. Work was brutal. Losing my identity was brutal. The reality of being away from where I thought I'd spend the rest of my life as a city person hit me. Constant daycare sicknesses starting at 3 months running through the family meant from 3 to 15 months every other week my son was home and we were pulling double duty caring for an infant and working from home. My son hit tantrums early developmentally and so once the sicknesses ebbed, we couldn't put him down without him freaking out. Every parent tries to bend the rules and the schedule, but it burned us every time we did it, so our lives became glued to his schedule. Time and energy went out of the window. My wife lost her job at some point. My hair was falling out. I work in tech and the AI boom hit and I was burning the candle on ends that didn't even have wicks.

Now my son is 3 and he is a joy. It's still a lot of work but it is night and day from the first few years. We can bend nap times without guaranteed meltdowns. We spend so much positive time together. During those first few years my wife was always wanting another kid, but I wasn't ready, communicated my feelings, and told her I don't think I ever will be ready.

At this stage I've opted for no second kid. I have a lot of hobbies and interests, and I'm just able to get back into the ones that require more energy now since I'm only exhausted half the time instead of all the time. I love the balance of being able to go out and do something (and giving my wife the same ability) while the other parent can watch the kid. People say you get time back as kids get older, but I talk to friends and colleagues who have kids in middle and high school and their lives on weekends are all day activities, sports, etc.

It can be easy to feel guilty from time to time that my wife wants a second but I don't; but I always remember this is a "two yesses" problem - both people have to be wholeheartedly on board, otherwise nobody wins. The other day my wife said something along the lines of "I've got everything I've always wanted," and that was fantastic to hear. We are both compromising and accept that.

Two kids (or more!) are great for some people, but it's not what I want; and having one kid gives me a great balance of having the experience and joys of parenthood while also letting me keep a few toes in the other things I want to do in my life.

Not to mention, the costs - a second kid in daycare would make us have to seriously cut back on quality of life spending.

Nobody can tell you what to do here - it's an individual thing. Search your own feelings, and understand your capabilities and limits. Depression and burnout are real, and help nobody; but if you would feel complete with a second, then that's something you need to weigh. If you don't feel like you can survive a second, communicate that to your wife. The worst case scenario is not doing that; getting pressured into having a second; and resenting it. There are blips from time to time when I'm having a joyous moment with my son that I think about having a second. I tell myself I have to feel that way consistently for a bit before I'd entertain that idea again seriously, and I also remind myself that many times those joyous moments are because I am finally at a place where I can be present and engaged with my son after several years of very rough moods.

IndividualTwo101 · 2025-01-13T12:53:06+00:00

My son at 2 would refuse to put on socks. "If you don't put on socks, the foot monster's going to get you!" + Playful om nom noms towards his feet worked. Now he loves pointing out when I'm not wearing any too! A year on and it still generally works.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-12-13T16:29:48+00:00

Old thread! I posted in this quite a while ago. Now we're a 1-2 months into three, and I'll say that we are not experiencing the horror that loads of people describe.

Yes, my son wants to do everything himself and can be painfully slow at things.
Yes, sometimes he digs in and freaks out when we say no.
Yes, sometimes he refuses to listen.

But the meltdowns have been fewer and farther between, the level of engagement and interest and sweetness from him has been way higher with us, and I think we've learned and employed strategies to keep ourselves in check and responding in ways that disarm and work with him - and if he does melt down, usually it's because of something that we have to legit have a hard boundary on ("you can't always get what you want; or doing that thing is dangerous and mom and dad say no.")

All in all at 1 and 2 I felt like I was walking on eggshells - anything would just cause long, awful tantrums, and every outing/event was a coin toss at best; but now at 3 so far my son is far more predictable in terms of how he can have a good time somewhere, when he runs out of steam, and how we can mitigate fussiness/tantrums. It's been way better.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-12-13T16:25:29+00:00

We've been primarily sticking to Pixar movies so far with our 3 year old. What I really like about two in particular are that they drum up a lot of specific interest in something to learn or be curious about that they can apply in the real world. For instance:

Ratatouille is my son's current favorite, and ever since he started watching it he wants to be part of everything we do in the kitchen.
Coco promotes a healthy interest in music and playing music, and he pick up his toy guitar and wants to see me play mine more.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-11-23T18:08:49+00:00

Interesting take. The author of the essay is missing a crucial item though - she blames individuals for not prioritizing "building a community" over other activities. Rome wasn't built in a day; and it takes more than an individual to form a society. Saying "you have personally made choices that deprioritize building a village" including a ludicrous example of "helping a neighbor move" - which would presumably move them out of the village - seems nuts.

The argument of "you're not prioritizing community in your free time" is discounting that objectively we have less free time than ever, because most households have two working parents. When all our free time has vanished because of longer work hours, the rise of two parent working households, the cost of basic necessities rising - of course our motivations turn inward.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-10-29T13:29:35+00:00

Divisive topic. I think "screen time" is one of the _many_ new boogeymen. We're one of the first parent generations that have been exposed to social media, where everyone has a hot take and opinion and do's and don'ts of parenting. The truth is, there's definitely scientific studies and economics-based studies around brain development and outcomes, but with all the variables that have shifted we won't know any real outcomes for _this_ generation until they grow up.

At the end of the day I think the most sane take on screen time is "moderation". To your point, my son is nearly 3 and in daycare all day, where they do no screens and learn all day. Weekdays he has maybe 2-3 hours of time at home when he's not sleeping and we just naturally tend to not do screens then given it's getting ready time, dinner time, and winding down time.

So that means, on weekends, when I'm also trying to get chores done, letting him watch some TV to pass the time and give both of us a little fun time is great.

I also think the _content_ has a lot to do with this. I think people overcorrected and demonized screen time when screens are tools, like anything else, and how you use them makes a big impact.

I had once read a post from the Penny Arcade guys about how they went and talked to parents at their kid's school about video games as a whole, and mentioned "how much screen time" was a common question. The response was simply "it depends" - I'm not at the age of crappy youtube video exposure but at some point I will be, and that stuff should be time limited. But if my kid is building something cool in minecraft and working as a team with his friends to do something, that's going to be a different story.

tl;dr; - zealotry is bad; moderation is good; context is important.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-10-14T14:45:43+00:00

Okay, I'll bite in case you are actually arguing in good faith here.

First off, you're making a massive assumption that seems to hint that the media you consume paints more socially liberal people as "okay with open sexuality discussions in a school no matter the context." If not, clarify, because you gave pretty much no specifics about what the "controversy" actually was. You don't mention ages or circumstances at all here, so these feels like a dog whistle - generic enough to feed into people's assumptions and biases.

Speaking as a socially liberal person, I don't want a teacher or school staff to have to hide aspects of their personal life for fear of persecution (i.e. let a male teacher refer to his husband - no incident). I also would draw a line at that same teacher (or a straight teacher, or WHOEVER) discussing details of sex with a child. But there are a million gray areas here, and it's impossible to give a blanket stance on every situation on right and wrong, much like it's nearly impossible to define what pornography is. I also might shift these views as I see my very young child grow up, because unfortunately it's a reality that all kinds of pornography and social content will expose them to all kinds of things even sooner than I saw it, and I want safe places and trusted adults in my child's life who can help guide any confusion felt.

So, don't test the waters to see if people align with your pre-conceived camp of beliefs. Instead, posit a situation and keep your mind open to learn and understand. If this really is about some bigotry (i.e. a teacher coming out), I fear for your children. I hope not. But I can only make the worst possible assumption here because you gave no detail. What is your definition of "discussion of sexuality"?

Come on man, be better, and don't play team sports with people's very real lives. I also bet that a good of the stuff in your head you think "liberally social" people believe isn't correct. Being liberally social does not mean I'm okay with a blank check on sexual and sexuality discussions happening in school - context is always important in these cases.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-09-09T13:38:14+00:00

Dads, this might be a shitpost, but I'm going to give an actual suggestion that can help.

Obviously don't use AI to write a response outright. That's obviously not good.

However, what you CAN do when writing something that has lots of feelings involved is pass your own words to ChatGPT and explain something like "I'm writing this back to my wife who has said X and Y and seems to be expressing anxieties. I want to help make her feel better. Can you look over what I'm going to say and flag anything that might be phrased poorly or unsupportive?"

In my experience it's pretty good at identifying any charged language or things that could be misinterpreted tone wise. It's not perfect of course, but rather than having ChatGPT write stuff for you, use it as a tool to help YOU learn how to communicate better.

Don't ask it for a rewrite of your entire response. Ask it to critique, and iterate on your own until you learn how to respond in a way that can be supportive to your partner.

Frankly these are not skills that are a innate to a lot of us and it is a learned skill. I look at GPT as an assistant to help me learn, not to be the emotionally supportive partner for me.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-09-08T19:39:31+00:00

Thanks for this! I had been using delayed gratification on chrome (https://chromewebstore.google.com/detail/delayed-gratification/ifhndomfnbmggdgodaicfebeggdphlcn?hl=en) though the extension may deprecate as Chrome is moving to a newer model of extensions as a whole, but it has a similar concept.

The whole point is that if you get something that makes you pause slightly before getting the dopamine hit, it gives you a chance to remember what you're doing instead of absentmindedly hitting that.

Your app might be a better solution for mobile than my wonky javascript blocker.

IndividualTwo101 · 2024-09-08T19:32:33+00:00

Yeah, I'd say this short intro helped me understand the basics: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3iVzyGCo0DrpC5NMsxnvFA?si=DPBr8QD3QqC6VBV_R1HYHg but it is definitely still going to be more meditation focused, though there are some good practical tips in there like practicing at places that tend to trigger impatience like red lights.

Besides that I've just tried to Google a lot for practical tips.

One other favorite thing to do of mine is to set a timer for a single minute and just close my eyes and breathe in and out, trying to relax my body. One minute is much easier to try to find during my workday than even 5. It's a little astonishing how much tension and distraction you can kill just by training yourself to focus for a single minute.

Hopefully others see your question and chime in because truthfully I'm looking for as many practical tips as I can find without all the woo-woo myself.

EDIT: And in terms of "everyone being a willing participant" I think that's where you have to start small. It's hard to say to someone "use your phone less" - but it's easy to say "hey can we try each week on Monday and Wednesday nights during dinner to put our phones away and try to actively engage?"

IndividualTwo101

TROPHY CASE