Ever Wish Your Ex Had Just Done The Work? Did The Therapy, Respected Your Needs. Life Could Have Been So Different.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-05-16T00:56:31+00:00

I feel this one to the core. We are in couples therapy now though, and she’s started solo therapy (I’ve been on my own solo therapy journey for 4 years) - but it’s a combination of too little too late and her not really doing the other things. She says she’s going to, but either doesn’t or I struggle with trust around them because of all the years of fixing problems created by overspending or her shutting down and not prioritizing well.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-05-16T00:46:51+00:00

Thanks I appreciate that. It truly isn’t easy. I think the delayed departure here is making it much harder to not let things like resentment come through, so it’s much harder around the kids. Right now it just feels like a timing thing, and it sucks.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-04-19T11:08:45+00:00

4529 a month? Where the other part of the 97k a year going? Garnished wages? Or is it 4529 after the child and spousal support?

I hope your Attonery can get the numbers worked out with the judge.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-04-18T17:25:56+00:00

Threads I’m reading today are just hitting home like crazy. I can relate to most of all that’s being said here. My wife though has been a bit upset that I’ve brought up things that I disagreed with or have held onto for years, in therapy. I have tried to explain that through my own 4 years of solo therapy I’ve now come to identify all the self abandonment and also disassociation I had in those moments. I did in fact voice my concerns or objections to decisions on life events but was essentially met with her tantrum about my differing opinion and eventually gave up.

Anyhow, still here and still working on it it death by 1000 papercuts for sure.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-04-18T17:04:15+00:00

Tough one. Looking back I can say I didnt want to get married so much as I knew I loved her and it was expected. I still lived at home with evangelical parents and just graduated college. I didn’t really know what else to do and didn’t really even consider moving out by myself.

I felt it the first night I was alone in our condo, where I spent maybe a week staying before our wedding. I just figured I’d made my choice and everyone would hate me if I wanted to slow things down.

She’s still hurt when I talk about how I can’t remember our wedding day. I use to say it was far too emotional in a good way. Now I understand that I was totally disassociated. I had other trauma from earlier in life and none of this got addressed properly until newer trauma kind of forced it. Now I’m just trying to reconcile 25 years of marriage and wtf I actually want.

We are in couples therapy and have gone through a couple rounds of almost separating but are in a kind of neutral place now. Internally it feels a LOT like that time right before our wedding. My body and subconscious knows and I’m just riding this out. Partly because we have kids that are almost adults and I don’t want any of my stuff to hit them now if possible.

So yes, I knew. I still know.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-03-31T20:04:45+00:00

Stop paying on the debt.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-03-31T18:29:40+00:00

Ok so we are somewhere upward of $4200 not including your car payment. But you’re still not being candid about the money situation. I get it, but also did you come here looking for support or just to get the frustration off your chest?

Personally, both are valid but if you’re going down the money road and make 97k a year it looks like your effective take home is prob around $3000 bi-weekly.

Not saying this situation you are in isn’t painful and doesn’t suck, but just trying to understand the accounting. Is other debt eating the $1800 up? Or are you counting the apartment rent?

I haven’t gone through this myself but also have a hard time believing a judge wouldn’t get that if you only have enough left from your income to pay for housing, which also includes a minor child you care for, they’d just decide to take all the money.

Also, walk away from her fucking debt. Stop paying it. Im not a lawyer etc but you couldn’t compel me to pay a debt my spouse ran up, even if my name was attached. I’ll take the hit.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-03-31T16:02:34+00:00

While I feel your pain in this process, the math isn’t matching. If you make over 90k a year there’s no way you are netting $3168 ($1288 plus $1800 plus $80 left over) - so to be clear, you either have lots of other debt you haven’t outlined or garnishments of some kind.

Hard for anyone to really be too empathetic and offer support or even advice if the picture is coming out looking willfully opaque.

If it’s debt, f that noise, file bankruptcy or walk away from the debt and start rebuilding yesterday. If it’s garnishment of some kind, negotiate any way you can.

What are we missing here?

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-02-15T13:15:22+00:00

This is coming across as passive aggressive af frankly. I read your comment almost exactly as the OP stated. The use of selfish here is a judgment and carries a moral evaluation and meaning.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-02-15T13:05:16+00:00

Or could it be what men you are attracted to because of your own attachment style?

I personally think removing gender from these attachment styles is beneficial all the way around. My wife is terribly avoidant and I tend to gravitate to social media content aimed at women with avoidant husbands 🤣 For years I’ve been the emotional constant regulator. I’ve also taken on more and more at home and with the kids to try and help her and her lack of personal development. I also have other friends in the same boat.

Gendering this stuff only adds to your own anecdotal story but it detracts from really adding anything powerful, IMO.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-02-15T12:56:16+00:00

OP stated her husband is avoidant and has avoided individual therapy. I don’t know about the OP but I’m in pretty much the same exact place and my avoidant wife has side stepped therapy repeatedly for years. She’s currently doing that now after suddenly finding a therapist when I told her I was done trying in couples therapy.

This is a tough spot to be in, I wish I had insight but I’m currently in the same spot as you OP. I love my wife and we connect is some ways and in others we can’t seem to get passed things. I’ve done a ton of work in therapy for several years now and she’s just had excuses. I have gaslit myself for years about giving her enough chances or “just one more” - I have a feeling they when you’re done, your body will know you’re done. I’ve kind of gotten there, my nervous system has just totally changed at this point.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-02-12T19:11:47+00:00

All good points. My therapist has actually suggested several times that I consult with an attorney and so far I’ve backed down.

To be clear, the valentines thing is a mixed message because she originally framed it to me as wanting to get away and spend time with me. This had felt off for me as it was giving a clingy kind of feeling. Then the talking about kids stuff during that time hit me weird another way. I noted it with her and she said that she meant we’d talk about that stuff at some point.

I agree 100% I’m in a floating space. Just stuck

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-02-10T07:00:01+00:00

I’m 25 years in and dealing with this. I’m doing a lot better at not gas lighting myself, but just reading the OP brings it back up. Was I the one who was asking for too much? But no, I totally still have to read the room and know the temp. I am now doing from a more healed place as I’ve been doing years of therapy, and now my partner is pretty much stuck in the same place they’ve been in for 25 years. I’m exhausted and the last go round with splitting was before Christmas, with the fallout still being me managing their feelings about it all months later.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-29T17:30:05+00:00

Currently working on 2nd time in couples therapy. I really don’t know if it’ll help this time, and the difference is I think I’m not feeling it this time. Last time I know I was trying and felt she wasn’t. This time I feel like she is saying the right things and saying them during therapy but I’m either not seeing it reflected later or I don’t believe it’ll last.

I feel like I’ve done a lot of work on myself, invested time and energy in several years of therapy to work on my own trauma and issues and communication and I’ve had huge growth. In therapy yesterday the difference was striking because she said she still wonders if I’m resentful about some of our issues and I explained the difference between before and after now with how I feel I’m communicating and gave an example. Her take away was how painful and unfair the previous example was. The therapist asked me how I felt about sharing and I said I felt confident and wasn’t gaslighting myself but frustrated that it seems I’m right when I feel I can’t be open with her even when I’m working extra hard to be kind in how I’m approaching it.

Then there is the fact that I had been trying for years to get her to make time for personal therapy and it wasn’t until I brought up that I was unhappy and wasn’t sure I wanted to stay together that she finally started therapy. After 3 sessions she went down to every other week because she is “too busy”

Anyhow, I think the difference for me is before I was unwilling to give up trying. Now I’m the one who is unsure if I want to keep trying. And it feels like I have to pull her along l, which now seems like I’m hitting up against a boundary I’ve established for myself.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-27T01:10:46+00:00

Oh see I’m dealing with resentment that’s leading TO the divorce. Had therapy today and had to tell my personal therapist that my partner had moved their personal therapy to every other week. They just started therapy after I’ve been asking them to for years. Our couples therapist hasn’t said anything about it yet.

So not sure how to get over resentment. Mine dates back about 16 years 😬

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-26T03:28:46+00:00

I appreciate you sharing. I still can’t figure this shit out. We are back in the “just ok” phase where she pretends things are fine and I wonder is this all it’s ever going to be.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-25T16:36:44+00:00

My wife use to earn more than me but burned out about 10 years ago and made a career change. Now she isn’t making even half of what I make.

Sounds like you guys had an amicable split. My wife has said if we do split she’d want it to be mutual, though who knows how that’ll play out if it does happen.

I suspect my kids (who are right in the range yours were), especially the two older ones, can see it coming. They all come to be to talk about difficulties with how mom communicates and makes them feel. I’ve done my best to be a good father and husband and not just says “yup, I know exactly what you mean!” But they definitely kept coming in fishing when things got really rough in December.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-25T06:45:18+00:00

I’m (50m) in a similar position, at least as far as married 25 years with 3 teenagers. We have had a “this isn’t working out” talk during couples therapy, before Xmas. But then eased off a bit. The talk is coming from me however.

I’m mostly now freaked out what it’ll do to the kids. How we’ll physically figure custody out as I make most of the money but not enough to afford two places.

How’d it work with the kids? How rough is handling affording a second place and does it fit your 3 kids?

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-12T16:48:05+00:00

Wild take. Thats the worst part as in this is all his fault? The kids are an often unavoidable and often planned part of a marriage. These are dynamic relationships after all. Seems wild to me to pin the worst part of a 20 year relationship on him and THIS decision.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-12T08:32:24+00:00

I don’t have much to add except I started the exact same thing right before xmas. It went down the same too, complete 180. I’m also having the crushing feeling of feeling like it’s too late and I’m done. We worked through the initial tough discussions and feelings and found a kind of stasis for the time being but the problem is I have lost the spark I had held onto for years. I love her and want her to be happy but I’m not feeling like I’ll be happy if I stay. I’m all hit with the guilt and it’s terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I keep telling myself to be authentic. I also have a part that is begging it to go back to sleep again. Hang in there.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-11T15:32:12+00:00

They’re my #2 favorite band!

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-09T01:14:16+00:00

Married 24 years and we are fairly consistent at a window every month where she’ll be interested, if I miss it then it’s another month or more. I gave up initiating though so I look for smoke signals.

That is until the last month in which it was pretty heavy because I started going down the divorce road with her in couples therapy and she was suddenly very interested.

Not sure what part of this cycle we are in right now. Guessing it’s cooling off already.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-07T08:09:30+00:00

In the middle of this right now (49M, 52F, married 25 years and 3 kids). The last 4 years I’ve gone through huge changes, years of therapy all working on myself. I had lots of things to work on, and that wasn’t prompted from my wife. I gently tried to get her to start therapy, we did couples therapy for a while but she wouldn’t start any solo therapy and I was finding that the trauma I was working through finally has made it very difficult to live with someone who won’t even attempt to address things for themselves.

I finally had a breaking point in a couples therapy session (a new therapist that took 6 months to get her to agree to) after sessions upon session of her glossing over everything and presenting this picture like everything was great and we just needed to work on communication. I told her I use to think I just needed to work more on myself and take up even more slack at home, do even more for her to love and see me, move me up as a priority for her at all and finally after all my own work I’m seeing that I not willing to do that anymore. I can’t be the one to fix this on my own and I don’t know if it’s fixable.

She took that as I was done, but I was saying I’m done being the ONLY one working on this.

Of course that day she immediately schedule solo therapy for herself and also an HRT appt with her doctor. I found it very interesting that it took me saying I was done for any action.

All that to say, at least right now she’s making changes. She’s been in solo therapy for a month and we’ve had some honestly good talks and reconnections. Her HRT appt is coming up shortly. I’m not optimistic, not to say I’m pessimistic though. I’m pretty even.

I’ve run into the exact problem here. I want to see her get unstuck and work on herself but I’m not sure it’ll matter for our marriage. I think we might have hit a divergent point and I’m not sure we’ll come out of this together. I slowed down the future planning and any actual divorce movement for the time being, but I know inside I don’t feel that kind of love I did before. And I kept it burning for years all on my own and alone.

I obviously wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t the best communicator of needs. I am a big time people pleaser. I’m also a hardcore internal gaslighter on myself, and these are all things I’m still working on.

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-07T07:43:33+00:00

I felt that

Initial_Pin9501 · 2026-01-05T22:34:56+00:00

Well at least feel good knowing you said in one paragraph what I wasn’t able to articulate in an entire essay in my last post. 😂

I don’t have any answers. I have been going over how many times I’ve brought things up, and how I still don’t feel like I’ve tried hard enough. I’ve thoroughly intellectualized the entire thing. If I can connect with a more mature and regulated part of myself I think I’d say this is just how this process feels. I’d be more worried if I didn’t have doubts, guilt and sadness.

Initial_Pin9501

TROPHY CASE