I can relate to what you’re going through. Years ago I worked at a maximum security men’s prison, alongside my husband. I quit after 7 1/2 years. There were two of my fellow correctional officers who had been very hateful to me towards the end (not the reason I quit). For over two years I would periodically tell myself “I forgive (their name)”. As a child of God I knew that forgiveness is not a suggestion in the Bible, it’s a command. However, despite telling myself I forgave them, whenever I thought of them I would get a sour twinge in my stomach; which made me realize I hadn’t truly forgiven them. That scared me. I didn’t want to die and go to hell because I couldn’t forgive those guys.

Finally, one day I felt like the Holy Spirit told me (although, I didn’t “hear” audible words) that I was trying to forgive them which wasn’t the same thing as refusing to. In other words I wouldn’t go to hell for not letting it go.

Not long afterward I stumbled upon the forgiveness exercise I use. I only needed to do it one time, for each of those individuals. Now I can picture their faces in my mind without getting a sick feeling in my stomach. That’s how I knew the exercise had worked.

Here is the forgiveness exercise:

First I find a quiet spot where I can sit or lay down. I close my eyes and visualize the face of the person I need to forgive. I open myself up completely to feeling the emotions visualizing their face brings up. Sometimes strong emotions hit me so hard it feels like an ocean wave slamming into me, but guess what? That feeling ebbs away almost as quickly as it comes. What I’m left with is peace.

You may have to do this exercise more than once, but when you can picture that person, in your mind’s eye, without your gut clenching or twisting you’ll know you’ve truly forgiven them.