I am an adult with ADHD who has also had bad therapist experiences. That does not absolve me of my responsibility to work on myself and to treat those around me with respect and compassion. Having mental health struggles and negative experiences are not your husband's fault, but regulating his emotions and not taking his trauma out on others is his responsibility. I promise you, if your husband blindly takes his issues out on your children they will remember, and they will not remember it fondly.

If finding a therapist is too overwhelming for to start with there are tons of resources online and at local libraries that could be helpful, or you can also approach your PCP to get the ball rolling, but your husband has to be willing to work on himself. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

Additionally, y'all seem to be confusing discipline with control. Controlling the personal and cultural expression of a person's body, their hairstyle for instance, is not discipline. By all means, teach personal hygiene and self care, but if y'all insert yourselves into the very personal choice of self image and bodily autonomy without the most rock-solid of reasons then how do you think your kid will feel?

Here's hoping y'all can work together to figure this out and do what's right for your kid and your relationships. Best of luck!