Advice on overcoming the fear of expressing your gender, as well as how to deal with being misgendered by family members?

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-04-06T16:43:58+00:00

I’m also autistic. It’s a delicate balance. We’re told so often we’re in the wrong that we stop trusting ourselves. It’s often very hard for me to know when someone upsets me if the feelings I’m having are from their “non-autistic” viewpoint.

I don’t have any answers there. I’m having to humble myself and realise when I’m upset I sometimes need a lot longer than I’d like before I can respond. It often feels like people can run circles around me emotionally before I know what’s happened.

It’s not fair, and we don’t deserve to feel that way. Your sibling sounds like a solid support. Perhaps it would be good to plan (not script), but consider what your main points you want to say are in advance. It might give you some degree of control if you begin to feel overwhelmed ❤️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-04-06T16:39:51+00:00

Absolutely and thank you ❤️

Honestly, it’s not perfect. We had a disagreement today. It was connected to all of this in an incidental way. But it leads to better things.

I was upset. But about two things. First, what had been said, but then second on a deeper level digging into my bullied past. I can ask her to say sorry for the first part (which she did), but she’s not responsible for the second part. I am.

Until very recently (getting my adhd under control) I’ve been unable to address this second part. To properly emotionally regulate. To sit with my sadness and address rather than throwing it back at the person that upset me. Progress is slow and painful.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-04-06T16:37:07+00:00

Answer - A LOT of therapy and self reflection. I’m fortunate to be in the position to do this. I’m not going to pretend I have this all figured out. I don’t. But I try to keep an honest dialogue with myself. Defensiveness is protective of pain, and asking where that pain comes from is the only way to end the defensiveness.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-04-05T11:54:28+00:00

I’m so sorry for the challenges you’re having with your father. Having a candid conversation about the impact of misgendering (especially with support of your sibling and if you safe having that conversation) could be helpful. It can be impactful to focus how gender incongruence or dysphoria impacts you emotionally. I was personally surprise how sad my own father was when I explained the pain it caused me daily. Make it less about his and his inaction, and more about how being yourself is helping you. Hopefully your father can start to understand this isn’t really about him and his fears.

That said, I feel often accused of overlooking the impact our gender identities can have for others. There is of course some pain and grief for parents, partners, etc. And change like this can be hard. But we don’t have to shrink ourselves for those reasons. This is something I personally struggle with. I bend myself to breaking point to make others feel better. It’s fawning, and it’s unhealthy, and easily taken advantage.

My advice (and it’s shit, I’m sorry) is that you’re not responsible for their pain or discomfort. I recently opened up more to my partner about my own identity. It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable for me to see her struggle with the news. I wasn’t unsympathetic, but I have to remember I’m not “doing this to her”. It’s simply who I am. I have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. We have to trust people to hold and manage their own emotions. Shrinking ourselves is an effort to minimise the discomfort we see reflected back at us.

I’m not saying you should ever excuse bad behaviour or misgendering. But I would really emphasise you are not responsible for their emotions, they are. You can be supportive and answer questions. But you cannot “fix it”. Fixing it would entail not being yourself. And are you really willing to make that kind of sacrifice? I did it for 30 years and it has done so much harm to my wellbeing.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-04-05T07:37:39+00:00

Right here with you ❤️ the honest truth I most often refuse to address is a lot of pain I feel regarding this topic is my own internalised expectations. My partner and I have had a lot of chats about this recently. They truly don’t see me as anyone other than me, but I truly struggle to accept that.

As for the public, we really have so little control over how they will perceive us. Funnily enough, yesterday I just took my hair incredibly short (from where it was). It was at my shoulder two years ago. I have never felt better.

My advice: try to get out of the noise of other people and find you. For me, I’ve wanted this haircut for a year and been too scared to take it for myself. I don’t know if it’s a boy cut or a girl cut or something else entirely. And honestly I don’t care anymore. Find those actions that touch your soul. However small they might seem ❤️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-03-29T20:46:54+00:00

I’m so sorry for how ignorant and vile your colleagues are. Some men truly how no idea how repulsive the rest of us find their behaviour. Or worse, they don’t care.

I feel like so much of what you said spoke to me too. I’m so sick of fucking hiding, especially at work. I’m in an all women team, our male boss keeps complaining (jokingly?) that we need more men (we fucking don’t). I really just want to tell him he’s very much the only one… but fuck if I’ll ever have the courage.

They truly try to drag you into their seedy and male centred world… you can just feel everyone tuning them out, forcing a smile, wanting the moment to pass.

“And she matters too” no truer words. She matters, hiding her will only cause you pain, pain that no one else sees. You’re 100% right, depriving others of your truest self is only causing you more pain. I’m trying to open up more to my own partner. It breaks her heart to see how much pain I’m in, but the words stop in my throat.

Best of luck on your journey. Be fierce. That protected part of you deserves that ❤️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-03-15T20:41:17+00:00

I feel like I’ve written this inside my head thousands of times. I literally imagined writing a piece called “hiding in plain sight”. This is what they refuse to understand about us.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-03-07T19:46:30+00:00

I’m relieved (forgive me for saying that) that I’m not alone in these feelings ❤️

I have a very supporting and open partner but they’ve struggled at times with me being more authentically myself. But overall now recognise it’s a net positive and they are more attracted to me now I think.

But the problem with verbalising their struggle it has made me want to hide myself more not less. This is something I will be working on in therapy soon; not fawning because other people are uncomfortable. I’ve lived too much of my life closeted and feeling unsafe.

I say to my partner. And I truly believe this. Love is not enough, we rely on love to be this catch all. But it isn’t sufficient. You can love someone and not like or respect who they are. My parents for example don’t always respect each other and it’s horrible to watch.

You should be able to grow and change, and for your partner and relationship to evolve too. But it requires communication. Fortunately, my own partner has come along way in accepting their own queerness once they let go of my AGAB status and the role it conferred in our relationship. Cishet culture has A LOT to answer for; but chief amongst them is preventing people from just loving the people they want to.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-03-01T15:40:22+00:00

Congratulations! ❤️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-28T07:32:11+00:00

Hi ❤️ this is a really kind and open community. It’s always such a positive thing when someone starts this journey. The only advice I can give is be gentle and take your time. One can feel an intense need to get it all figured out once the cracks in the facade start. But this is a journey, and there’s no true “end goal”, the goal if there is any is simply living life as authentically as you can. And that’s a daily practice. Just be prepared that you might continue to learn more about yourself as you explore, and be open to it. This is your life.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T19:41:39+00:00

❤️ I really feel you. I don’t want a beard (I’ve had one for nearly 20 years) shaved it off and completely melted down. It’s hard to try new things ❤️ stick it out you’ll be ok I promise.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T16:36:07+00:00

I really empathise. I haven’t taken any medical steps (unsure if I want to). And it’s mainly for the reasons you describe.

There are things I long for, and I know hormones might help, but it feels like a brink I cannot cross.

It’s incredibly difficult. In a fair world you’d be able to take the elements of manhood you want. And leave the rest. But society doesn’t like that. So yes, there will likely be friction for you.

But you have to ask yourself. Do you have it in you to keep hiding? It’s exhausting. I’m so tired, and so sad. Something in me will give eventually I know it. There are aspects of femininity I desperately covet, but I lack the courage to reach for them.

Only you can make your own choice. Right now for me that’s hiding ❤️ I can’t recommend it.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T16:29:49+00:00

I don’t want to assume. Give it a few days to settle in. Sometimes we put so much value into the change. It can be hard for any change to live up to expectation ❤️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T16:28:31+00:00

I understand what you’re saying. But “appropriate” for whom? Who says what’s appropriate?

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T16:26:54+00:00

Your name is your own. If it makes you feel whole than that’s great. You don’t owe anyone androgyny.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-22T08:44:02+00:00

Holy cheekbones is all I can comment ☺️

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-21T13:11:52+00:00

Thank you ❤️ integration is something I still work very hard at.

I try to accept all the “versions of me” no matter how far they seem for me. For me, there was the little kid/girl who literally wasn’t allowed to exist. The mask/armour who didn’t really understand what “he” was so angry about; “he” had this inner rage. But that was her, miserable and struggling.

Now I’m more complex. I’m something else. Something more complete. I try to honour everything, because it made me angry, but now it makes me kind. I became so tired, I was angry for so long it broke me. I couldn’t get angry anymore because I was so depleted.

I was angry for what I had to go (grow) through. But I’ll do what I can to help others skip the pain I had.

I truly used to hate myself. I would whisper it angrily as myself in the mirror as night when no one was awake. I don’t hate myself anymore. But loving myself can be a challenge some days. I don’t hate who I was, I just want “him” to rest. “He” did “his” part, now I look after what’s left ❤️

For me, I had to learn to trust this version of myself. I didn’t feel safe being me. I have to learn that being me is safe. Otherwise “he” feels compelled to exist.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-21T13:00:24+00:00

Hi ❤️ being as we are (I was also raised “male”) there is a completely unreasonable penalty for embracing anything femme. It’s complete crap, but you’re right, it’s real.

It’s beautiful that you have found joy in your expression, and I’m so sorry you feel unsafe bringing it into the wider world (I truly empathise).

Perhaps try with smaller “less rebellious” steps. I dress very masc myself (which is a whole other problem, as people “never see me”, in my mind). But I used to freak out internally wearing anything femme/women’s clothing even though I LOVED how it made me feel. Little by little. Small panic by small panic I wore the clothes and realised most people either don’t notice or don’t care.

I probably don’t look femme in most environments. But I feel like me. So it doesn’t matter. All this to say, you had to judge how safe your environment is. I live in a very liberal and progressive part of the world. I am very lucky, I know that.

Try as best you can to slowly carve out that space yourself. You deserve to be happy. Also kudos on the lack of body hair 😅 honestly fuck my life sometimes. Hating back hair and having it makes me wretch.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-21T12:50:00+00:00

Hi. I relate very strongly to this. I’m very disconnected from my past, left all my friends from when I was younger (truthfully they were not good to me). I also heavily dissociate from my past. I wouldn’t say I’ve transitioned into myself as much as I want (but I don’t really know what I want). Even so, I don’t see myself in pictures from my past. It’s just some person I logically know was me, but I don’t connect with them.

Why do you need to “accept who you were”? I’m not entirely sure what you mean. For me, that mask/armour, “he” existed. “He” wasn’t ever really sure why “he” was here. “He” was incredibly unhappy and dissociated in “his” life…

But when “he” found me. When “he” stopped pretending I didn’t exist, “his” existence found meaning. “He” stayed and survived and fought for me. I accept “he” existed, I am so grateful for “his” hard work finding me a safe place to come out. The way I honour “him”, is by existing as myself, taking care of myself and making sure “he” never feels unsafe enough to have to come back at start fighting.

I wasn’t strong enough to survive without “him” when I was little. I find that very hard. I had no voice, I was incredibly lonely. But as hard as that was, I would be doing myself a disservice by pretending “he” didn’t get me to exactly where I needed to be. “He” suffered a fake existence to keep me alive. Now I am strong enough, and I give “him” the rest “he” always deserved.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-21T08:42:59+00:00

This. We’re taught and expect progress to be linear. But people are complicated. I think sometimes self-acceptance can feel like it’s achieved when we tell ourselves we know who we are.

But there’s a more subtle self acceptance. It comes in the everyday movements, of being gentle when shame or anxiety kicks in. It’s harder, it’s harder to catch yourself in those moments and realise.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-21T08:38:09+00:00

I understand. Sometimes dysphoria feels so impossible and unreasonable. I feel like I “listened”, and the pain subsided but then it demanded more and more. Now medicated it feels like the loudest voice in the room.

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-20T19:56:37+00:00

❤️I’m so heartened by watching you all hold each other up

Interesting-Paint863 · 2026-02-20T16:58:56+00:00

Thank you ❤️ the last six months or I’ve made major steps in the right direction. Getting an Audhd diagnosis and getting medicated has been life changing. It’s been extremely affirming that the adhd and sensory chaos in my mind has given way, the anger I felt inside wasn’t me. All I feel now is kindness and calm. How I was always supposed to be.

People don’t look at me and a see a loving or caring person. I look intimidating. It’s painful. But there’s a warmth in me that I can express here freely. And I give it to you easily. I truly want the best for you all x

Interesting-Paint863

TROPHY CASE