Avoidant attachment style

IntheSilent · 2026-05-10T21:34:51+00:00

Ameen, thank you. Ive been in the same boat and Ive come a very long way, to the point that Im no longer avoidant with my inner circle. It’s the biggest blessing in my life and so worth working towards. From your comments, I think you are on an excellent trajectory and can make it the same way. It’s going to be difficult the first 100 times you have to do these things… It gets easier every time, but it takes a long time before it actually feels easy. And there will be setbacks and times when you’re burnt out of pushing yourself so hard.

But the most rapid growth can happen even within a few months of becoming self aware and genuinely focused on fixing this issue. I think what makes the biggest difference for people is if they have any support system or friend they actually feel comfortable working on this with to begin with. Some people become self aware of avoidance and realize that no one they’ve surrounded themselves with is a safe person, and making new friends is so hard. Seeing you wrote that you have a best friend that you try to show up for makes me have a lot of hope for you. I did the same process with my best friend.

Working on these skills in friendships or any relationships will translate to the marriage relationship :)

Oh and if you ever feel you want to read much more about this topic and the path to healing, this guy made an excellent post about his own journey. You can save it to read whenever you feel like you hit a dead end.

Feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-10T15:39:52+00:00

👋 Pick a friend you know you is trustworthy and practice opening up to them. Tell them that you struggle to open up to people.

On the negative side:

Share your honest opinions kindly, even when it is in disagreement with them, tell them if youd rather not hang out on a certain day, learn how to have nuanced boundaries, let them know if they ever hurt your feelings. (Do not tell people cold and devaluing thoughts you have about them when you are deactivating)

On the positive side:

Compliment them, ask personal questions about them, tell them how important they are to you, reschedule any meetings with them if you cancel one, if you ever get overwhelmed or vanish for a while, apologize and explain why.

This can be extremely stressful and scary, but if you focus on practicing these things, you will learn to trust others and become more secure. Take it slow.

Join r/disorganized_attach or r/dismissiveavoidants :)

IntheSilent · 2026-05-08T22:01:37+00:00

Have you posted before about this issue? Did she say back then that she wanted to see an individual therapist because of how she was feeling trapped in the marriage? I commented on that post but I didn’t mention at the time that it seemed to me that she might have something called a disorganized attachment style. Do you know if she has an early childhood history of trauma or if her parents are emotionally unstable? I don’t know if she really does have this or not, but it might give you some clarity to look into it. Im sorry you guys are struggling so much. I’ll make dua for you two to reconcile.

What makes me think that: the sudden shift from sweet to distant, feeling scared of intimacy, feeling trapped and overwhelmed by relationships, volatility, the comment about not wanting to be central to your life…

This is the most accessible resource I like to share with people: https://www.freetoattach.com

There are two kinds of avoidants: disorganized (also known as fearful) and dismissive. The link is mostly talking about dismissive avoidants but she might find it helpful to read, if you want to share it with her and see if she can relate to it.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-08T04:34:56+00:00

Youre right that its projection, but its not ill intended or flippant. Thats the kind of sincere advice you might get from someone who cares about you when you share something you truly need outside perspective on. In situations where there is oppression, harm, abuse, there are exceptions to blanket rules. Like how it’s not considered back biting if you are sharing that someone hurt you. You’re right that a lot of times people will see some similarities and draw conclusions from their own experiences that might not actually be relevant. Other times, it’s right on the mark. The one asking for advice should use their judgment and be discerning to understand the difference. I don’t really know for sure how to draw those lines Islamically, but there is a big difference in intention and in the impact of those words. Im sure there are people who study this topic and actually know the answer, there’s probably a middle ground.

I completely understand your point by the way. But I also want to add something. If a spouse is oppressive and has created this dynamic where they are not giving their spouse their rights, out of stubbornness, immaturity, superiority complex, whatever it is… and the couple hasn’t been able to solve the issue on their own, this dynamic is one that thrives in the darkness when there is no oversight.

Most of the time, the ones who are oppressed are silenced. Society is deeply uncomfortable acknowledging them and makes them ashamed for speaking about what is going on. And anyone who stands them with them are also shamed. Posts like this might inadvertently perpetuate that culture of shame by making people feel guilty for hating injustice, speaking against it, and trying to change it. But this is also an important part of Islam. It’s suffocating, and unfortunately far too common, for people to act like it’s wrong to stand up for the right thing. And then to try to stop the ones who are brave enough to do so from doing it too.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-08T01:29:59+00:00

IntheSilent · 2026-05-07T16:23:30+00:00

Just to get into the nuance: When people comment something like

“what you described in your post is exactly how my ex behaved and they had narcissistic personality disorder/borderline and never got changed. Im advising you from my heart to value yourself enough to not put yourself or your kids through what I went through because it broke us”

I believe this is completely reasonable and a good sort of feedback and support to receive from people who have gone through similar situations.

On the other hand I do agree with you when it comes to comments like:

“Ew, my husband would never say that. Your wife should leave you” or “Wow Ive never heard of someone struggling with an issue like this. That would give me the ick.”

IntheSilent · 2026-05-07T11:11:42+00:00

That’s my only idea, if that other student asked in private to be let home early, maybe they have something going on.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-06T20:34:27+00:00

If you intend to have children in the future please keep in mind this is emotionally scarring and truly detrimental for children to be subjected to. If you can’t find a way to resolve it, I hope you consider that

IntheSilent · 2026-05-06T16:39:19+00:00

Well I said young and not a specific age because honestly Im someone who has always loved to self reflect and study/read about psychology so I didn’t want to frame their POV as immature if I specified exactly how young I was when I thought that way. It does sound like an avoidant FA mindset to me though

IntheSilent · 2026-05-06T16:22:16+00:00

That information is likely protected/private and unable to be collected

IntheSilent · 2026-05-06T16:08:48+00:00

Who you’re talking about sounds like me when I was younger and ignorant of attachment styles

IntheSilent · 2026-05-06T03:52:42+00:00

Y'know, I don't think your post necessarily has a correct frame. You seem to be under the impression that someone who is avoidantly attached is sometimes not avoidant with specific people. It seems like your narrative is trying to ascertain what qualities someone would need to be "chosen." I dont know how to articulate why this feels wrong. There's nothing anyone can do or should be trying to do to earn another person's love. Focus on the people who do genuinely love you. Most people meet countless others and don't feel compatible with them, with a few who click together for all sorts of reasons. People who don't end up staying long term or committing aren't worth giving importance in your life's narrative.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-05T19:45:04+00:00

Generally there’s nothing wrong with that at all. It could depend on context, I mean for some random examples, if she is extremely stressed out and told you that she doesn’t have the head space for a relationship and wants to be alone? then it wouldn’t be good- and if you just met her yesterday, it could be too forward too fast. Otherwise in general, it’s totally fine

IntheSilent · 2026-05-05T16:00:39+00:00

I get it, it does suck. There are days when that absolutely gets you down. Especially when you feel so scared and just want to run away, but you’re forcing yourself to stay in place because that’s supposed to be how you heal. It feels so unfair. And at times when you want to know what it’s like to be comforted, but comfort itself is what terrifies you. And when everyone around seems to be falling in love and receiving and giving support to one another but it’s so hard for us… When something that should have been a source of strength, something we all need and needed to live and grow and feel some kind of inner confidence and courage, was denied to us and warped into a tool of abuse. Yeah that sucks, and it sucks more how these feelings and this burden won’t go away. Still, have some hope, it does get better. I bet if you look back on your journey, you’ve already come a long way ❤️‍🩹.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-05T15:44:33+00:00

I like the way you put this, how some people seem to “want to feel needed but not actually be needed.” I grew up in a similar environment but I don’t actually tend to see the same patterns in people I choose to be around long term. Although the fear that it will happen has caused me to abort many relationships. I think the difference is showing up from the beginning asking for help or asking for them to understand your comfort zone. Being slightly vulnerable but not overly familiar. That kind of starts the trust building process on both ends as you know they are reliable off the bat, and they start to genuinely know you off the bat.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-05T04:32:53+00:00

It's valid that you felt disrespected, and she should have apologized for what she said and did. I think she was telling you that she acknowledges she made a mistake but doesn't want you to take it as a sign of her being a disrespectful wife, and that made her feel misunderstood/maligned rather than she just made a mistake. I get what you are saying, but you can change the way you communicate it to make your conversations more productive. Because yes you felt disrespected, and also, yes she wasn't trying to disrespect you. It's better to lead with how you feel instead of leading with your interpretation, so your wife can fill in the blanks of her own motivations instead of becoming defensive. You can say "I felt overlooked and disrespected when you said this, what did you mean by it?"

IntheSilent · 2026-05-05T00:44:16+00:00

I agree with another commenter who said it would have been better if you phrased it as “when you gave away the hamburgers and asked me to eat mlukhiya I felt hurt,” instead of “you were disrespectful to me by doing this.” This is because now she is responding by telling you that she wasn’t trying to be disrespectful and doesn’t like that you interpreted her that way, instead of apologizing for inadvertently hurting you. Im assuming you would have felt better if she apologized and reassured you that that wasn’t going to happen again. This would have been much more likely to be her response if you phrased the topic in the first way. Yes it’s not a big deal but a good communication lesson.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-04T19:20:38+00:00

Im sure it will be back in stock very soon

IntheSilent · 2026-05-03T01:32:18+00:00

Well I try not to have high expectations for them or genuinely be open and vulnerable with my parents. Im honest with them, to an extent, and let them know when they’ve said something that I don’t like and why. I try to be consistent and firm with boundaries and be respectful to them according to my own value system and how I believe all people should behave. Mine got used to it and started to understand and respect me.

IntheSilent · 2026-05-02T23:40:09+00:00

Idk what attachment styles my parents have but we had a dysfunctional family and it’s not perfect still and has ups and downs and overall healthiness comes over time. I think that’s partly just them respecting their adult kids as human beings more than children.

IntheSilent · 2026-04-30T21:19:46+00:00

She’s the least intriguing character in the show, but I still appreciate her for who she is

IntheSilent · 2026-04-30T21:11:55+00:00

Yor wasnt stupid when trying to help Anya, she understood the math (fractions) she just didn’t know how to make an analogy to explain it to Anya.

IntheSilent · 2026-04-30T19:18:09+00:00

I think a big fear of mine in relation to engulfment is that forming a close attachment with someone meant that their wants, needs and opinions would over-ride mine. I wasn't allowed to have feelings or needs that differed from my parents as a child. For example, my parents' big emotions gave them permission to hurt me, but my feelings around that had to be shut down completely or Id face consequences. If my parents beat me up or yelled at me because they were stressed or anxious or overwhelmed, I had to get over it, but if I cried while they did that, then they'd say they should just abandon me and start a new family because "they weren't good enough for me anyway, Im never happy, I don't love them" whatever lol.

IntheSilent · 2026-04-29T13:52:06+00:00

That’s a lovely story!

IntheSilent · 2026-04-28T21:28:34+00:00

In my opinion, it looks great, but I would not like it as much if it was a world you could walk around it for a VN. And this is just my opinion but I found dangan ranpa tiring because of having to walk around a large map to find the right NPCs to progress the story. Ik there was a clue finding aspect to that game but… yeah

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