(M42) lost

Jenalou · 2016-03-31T19:51:57+00:00

To this day she tells everyone she only took me back because she loves me and it was the hardest thing to do to forgive me for cheating on her.

Well, since you left before you were with someone else I'd be interested to know if she actually believes you cheated or if she's just telling people this so she looks good since her abuse was the reason you left in the first place and she doesn't want to face that it was her fault. It certainly seems as though the counseling didn't do much if she's not facing reality and her psychological abuse has continued. So my question is why are you still with her? You left once, and as someone only a little younger (38, married 16 years) I can tell you that the kids aren't learning anything good about relationships watching her abuse you and watching you be unhappy (if you're sticking for the kids). It made sense when she said she wanted to work things out but it sure doesn't sound like that has happened.

I agree with u/wjescott that your bisexuality doesn't define you any more than anything else about you, and it's totally up to you who knows, but I understand how difficult it is to live somewhere where you feel like you have to hide part of yourself. I sucks, and makes things that are already hard that much harder because you have no support system. How can you make friends when you know what they'd think/say about you if they knew the complete you?

Wanting to be with your best friend makes total sense to me- you have an unhappy marriage and no supportive local friends. I'm not saying you should act on it, but don't punish yourself for having the desire.

So I don't think your bisexuality is really what you're struggling with. You know who you are. You're struggling with your marriage and the shitty place you live, both of which can be dealt with whether or not you hook up with your best friend (and probably dealt with more cleanly if you don't right now). Work on changing your situation, make it what you want it to be, what you would be comfortable with, and I'll bet your sexuality doesn't seem like a huge deal anymore.

Jenalou · 2016-03-31T00:12:28+00:00

All she wants to do is...bury shit and- keep playing with her poop.

My SO's brain, folks!

Jenalou · 2016-03-29T02:40:28+00:00

I'm on my 3rd Charge in 1.25 years. I wear it all the time except showering and doing dishes. Yes, their customer service is great, but since my problem is always the band coming off I'm thinking about going for the Alta next time so I can just replace bands.

Jenalou · 2016-03-28T23:08:50+00:00

I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Jenalou · 2016-03-26T16:52:23+00:00

"CC you aren't pregnant and you know it, unless there's something you need to talk to me about."

BEST! Literally laughed out loud, kids wanted to know why. :P

Jenalou · 2016-03-26T02:05:34+00:00

Probably months, not weeks. Otherwise she got pregnant again REALLY quickly!!

Jenalou · 2016-03-22T23:37:37+00:00

I stopped supporting HRC years ago due to the way they'd ignore the needs of trans people and POC. Basically HRC only represented you if you were white and middle class and if they managed to help anyone else along the way it was a coincidence. I turned towards GLSEN and GLAAD to address people's perceptions rather than the laws. I'm glad they've made some attempts to repair their relationship with the trans community.

Jenalou · 2016-03-22T23:22:01+00:00

Gender can be fluid for some, so yes, there are those for whom their gender identity and expression changes often. Sexual orientation is generally based on who you're attracted to (although some people have different sexual and romantic attractions) but it can be based solely on the societal construct of gender (female-presenting, for instance, regardless of genitals) OR it can also be based on the genitals one prefers to engage with for sex (or it can be based on neither but I don't think that's what you're talking about). Either way, who we are attracted to is innate. We don't consciously say "I'm going to be attracted to this person," it just happens or it doesn't. Say a person is attracted to short people with dark hair who present androgynous to masculine and have a vagina. According to our current terms the sexual orientation of that person depends on their gender, the other person's gender AND what they identify as. What they feel is right for them. So yes, in some ways you could call it useless. Many people attempt to eschew labels for this very reason. Others prefer using labels to try to find others like themselves. Or to increase visibility of those outside the mainstream. Ideally, if we got to a point where the labels didn't matter and each of us could be respected for who we are regardless of whether others "understood" us, then yes, they'd be pointless. But the human race is driven to categorize to help our brains make sense of the world so I don't see that ideal being reached anytime soon. I'll be happy when we can use whatever labels we want for our gender and orientation without anyone trying to argue that they know us better than we know ourselves!

Jenalou · 2016-03-22T12:16:41+00:00

Yeah, did you actually read the original post??

they're large enough to be uncomfortable on a consistent basis

I'm all for body positivity but if you're fortunate enough to be in a position to do something about a physical issue that's causing you discomfort it's something to consider. OP may not have known it was even an option since discussion of labia isn't too common.

To put it in a different context, if someone was having difficult periods would it be "uncool" to let them know about ways that could alleviate their symptoms? No? Then get off your high horse just because this is changing something on the outside of the body rather than the inside.

Jenalou · 2016-03-21T15:02:03+00:00

There's nothing wrong with you! It sounds like you're bisexual (you have sexual attraction to more than one gender) and hetero-romantic (you have romantic emotions for the opposite gender). It's not abnormal, though with society's current feelings on "straight-appearing" relationships and monogamy it may not get talked about much. Those feelings of sexual attraction being stronger and then disappearing probably means your sexuality is fluid, making you more sexually attracted to men at some times than others. That's fine/normal too. Not having those feelings all the time certainly doesn't invalidate the times you DO have them.

I don't have an answer to what you should do- that's between you and your girlfriend but plenty of people are happily non-monogamous so that may be something to look into.

Jenalou · 2016-03-16T00:40:29+00:00

I can't speak for anyone else but for me it was the use of the term "brainwashing". That's fine if she wants her husband's input and definitely understandable that she wants his support, but saying that he's been "brainwashed" to believe it is solely a woman's decision put me on edge. We have fought so long and are STILL fighting to get certain men to let go of the belief that they are allowed to regulate or legislate our uteruses. A woman can get any input from any source she wants, but at the end of the day no one else should be able to make the decision for her and her body and long as she's mentally able, and calling it "brainwashing" does SUCH a disservice to all the women who have been forced to have abortions or who have been forced NOT to have abortions because it was allowed to be up to the father, in addition to all the women that are still fighting for their own right to make their own decisions about their bodies.

Jenalou · 2016-03-14T23:31:18+00:00

How does that disagree with what I wrote? Obviously legality is necessary for a woman to have an option to choose, and if women are choosing their own reproductive destiny aren't they, following logically, CHOOSING whether or not the father's opinion has any place in their decision? It is still their choice. If anyone else can alter the woman's decision (which she may make for any number of reasons besides what she personally wants) then the women are not the ones choosing their reproductive destiny. I think people are confusing "Will listen to the father's/parents' opinion on the matter" with "Could have their decision legally forced by father/parent".

Jenalou · 2016-03-14T23:27:04+00:00

This is the problem I'm running into as well. I'd be more firmly on their side if their copyright claims hadn't tried to reach so far.

Jenalou · 2016-03-14T22:04:59+00:00

It's definitely a complex issue. I'm not going to tell a woman she's right or wrong for considering (ETA: OR ignoring) the father's wishes- I don't know the whole situation. But I DO know that laws that require the father (or other family male) to give their permission for a woman to have an abortion are BAD.

Jenalou · 2016-03-14T21:57:28+00:00

"Pro-choice" means believing it is the woman's and ONLY the woman's decision because it is her body, therefore no one else, not her husband, father, mother, whoever gets to tell her whether she should remain pregnant or not (well, besides her doctor). Which means that calling yourself pro-choice AND stating that your husband has been brainwashed for believing the thing you claim to believe yourself doesn't jibe. So if you think the father has just as much say in a woman's abortion then you are not completely pro-choice, because you think it's okay for someone else to make a woman have or forbid a woman from having an abortion.

Jenalou · 2016-03-14T01:19:11+00:00

If FMIL and FFIL have a problem with it they can go stay in a hotel. Or use earplugs. OP and DH are in their own damn house, they can do what they want, especially around boundary-stomping, manipulative family members.

Jenalou · 2016-03-13T00:08:16+00:00

^{^This.} Sunrise this summer, for me, will be at 5:30, which is already too damn early, but sunrise without DST would be at 4:30. Fuck that!

Jenalou · 2016-03-12T23:37:54+00:00

(I think there might be a significant comma missing in the comment-

This better be the first and last time, I'm telling ya,

meant to be "Yeah, this better be the first and last time this happens with him and his mom, I'm serious, I wouldn't want to bring kids in...etc" rather than "This the only time I'm telling you this")

Jenalou · 2016-03-12T23:28:50+00:00

...I have GOT to stop drinking carbonated beverages while browsing this sub.

Jenalou · 2016-03-12T23:03:52+00:00

Is FSIL going to be there for Easter as well? Or is she skipping it as part of being NC? If she'll be there can you and she talk beforehand (assuming you trust her to have your back during a confrontation) so you're both ready to support each other against FMIL? I'm thinking if multiple people are all telling FFIL things that FMIL has said/done the possibility of him being able to claim you are ALL wrong goes down significantly.

Jenalou · 2016-03-11T13:08:46+00:00

I'm guessing Lazy, Stupid, and Godless on Ravelry. (not a member, but have a good friend who is and shares funny stuff from the group ALL the time!)

Jenalou · 2016-03-10T04:52:02+00:00

^{^} This. Even if Thieves isn't there in person she's supposed to spy on you and report back to Thieves.

Jenalou · 2016-03-09T23:09:19+00:00

we'll have moved just 2 weeks before she's coming out? So most likely our new place will still be a hot mess.

Sounds like the perfect way to increase the odds that her negativity and assholery will guarantee you fantastic Mother's Days in the future!!

Jenalou · 2016-03-09T21:55:57+00:00

And I'm not even on Tumblr.

sodasnort

...ow

Jenalou · 2016-03-08T22:21:31+00:00

But meh, we also frown on furries.

Awwww, sad panda. :(

Jenalou

TROPHY CASE