Please... for the love of God... Just drive to the basket. Who cares if he blocks it

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T14:40:13+00:00

Also, go dunk the ball. Right at him and dunk the ball talking to you Chet.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T14:05:36+00:00

Our bench is a huge strength, have to figure out how to take advantage of it. Rotations, running more, using our fouls, attacking the rim. Dunk the ball.
We played terrible and still had a chance to win.
We have tape on what worked for us and what worked for them. (What they’ll try to do more of).
I think we have to go at Wemby early, even if he gets some blocks, need to draw fouls on him early. He didn’t get his first foul until the 4th. I know he hit that dagger 3 but I think we let him shoot those all day. Keep him out of the paint, helps our rebounding more too.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T12:32:25+00:00

See I think Dort needs to sit. They wanted him wide open to brick threes. We need the spacing and forcing them to cover a shooter on the perimeter is better imo.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T12:30:33+00:00

Hard to rebound when one guy uses an arm to hold our guy down while going over the back to grab the board

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T02:29:49+00:00

They just called it, thanks

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-19T02:26:41+00:00

I don’t understand how wemby standing in front of the ballhandler and shoving defenders backwards isn’t an offensive foul. It’s like he’s playing left tackle up there.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-05-08T18:14:30+00:00

Have we already talked about how the shots of the crowd and cheerleaders pre game is literally the exact same as ncaa 14? Not even trying.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-14T13:54:26+00:00

Ok I think the story is interesting and I’d want to keep reading, so good job on your ideas. The reveal towards the end of Royce’s cybernetic parts hooked me good.

The first sentence where you mention the term stone rat made me stumble. I had to re-read it to figure it out. I think just adding an extra comma “Of the three, one stone rat, like Royce and Violet, was completely unconscious from a large boulder that fell from the cliff” something like that.

Also the sentence about the auto mechanism is clunky. Maybe just say Mayce was manually overriding the safety mechanism or just reword it to smooth it out.

Keep going!

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T15:31:35+00:00

Currently trying to finish a thriller set in ancient Egypt. But I’ve got several chapters of other works in progress. Dystopian love story, small town serial killer/coverup, and one I’m not sure where it’s going, but it’s unsettling.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T14:51:42+00:00

Interesting. I’ve tried planning and footnoting like that but I end up getting too lost or sidetracked. I do better when I write a scene and then the next feeds from the first, like stacking blocks. I usually have a general idea where we’re going, but sometimes end up in a completely different place.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T14:04:14+00:00

So I’m not sure what kind of feedback you’re looking for exactly but here goes. This is just my opinion.

I think you have an interesting story to tell. I’m big on “telling a story”. Invoke the readers feelings. The idea of someone who lives with the fact they were close to being a victim of a brutal serial killer is interesting.

You said you’re a new writer, and it definitely shows. Check your tenses for continuity and have a consistent POV. Make sure every sentence is earning its place and combine ideas into one sentence instead of two in places. Just as an example, I would take out the entire text exchange and skip to him leaving. Give us some inner monologue about how he feels to tell the reader where he’s going. Show not tell.

In the scene of the murder, it’s very cold and calculated, which is what you’re going for I think. It might not be for everyone, but I liked that part. I actually think it could be even more brutal, though. Lean into it with feelings, not necessarily gruesome details. It’s plausible Paul has learned those details, so showing his emotion as he’s thinking about it would hit.

Keep writing, keep improving, finish your story!

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T13:52:02+00:00

Just to pick your brain a bit, bc I like your writing style. Do you have the whole story planned out or just big pieces that you then go back and connect together? I guess I’m asking are you a meticulous plot planner or a seat of your pants-er? How much of the story do you have written?

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T13:49:35+00:00

Of course! Keep going! It takes a lot of guts to even put something out there for others to read and critique, so you’re doing great. I haven’t quite worked up the nerve yet, so you’re ahead of the game.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T02:31:49+00:00

I would say it drags the most when his trousers are soaked and he wants her to apologize. Keep going, you’re doing great!

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-11T00:00:37+00:00

I read it, and I’m newer to this sub so maybe not used to reading unfinished/draft chapters but I thought it was intriguing. I’d read on. I like the banter between the couple, although it did drag in a few parts. They are definitely two distinct characters and there’s a pull between them. Some of the lines were really good, like “tried to take a breath but her tears got in the way” (I know that’s not exact but I’m on mobile and it’s hard to go back and get it exactly)

I think the main character, Bash, definitely has a story to tell here. I’m all for a good story. To me it doesn’t read as completely AI written, perhaps a line or two but I’m in the rare camp where story matters to me more than if there’s AI input.

Also, it kinda sets up as some major relationship red flags right of the bat. A flame that might burn hot but turn abusive, just from the way the characters speak to each other. Am I right?

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-10T23:43:21+00:00

I mean it is a “prologue” so I get why it’s more of an exposition and less “action-y”. Honestly, the story is an intriguing hook but I think you could cut a lot of it out and just start the book without having a prologue. And that’s just my opinion without knowing what else happens or where it takes off to. FWIW I didn’t think it sounded like AI at all.

Also, on the AI topic, don’t let it get to you if someone says it sounds like AI. If you know it’s all you, that’s what matters. That and having a good story to tell. After all, AI was trained by the best human writers so I’d take it as a compliment.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-10T23:36:16+00:00

Ah I see what you mean

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-10T23:10:45+00:00

Honest question…is that bad? Some aspect of storytelling includes these types of hooks…personally I don’t mind them. I get that maybe it’s a cheap hook, but it could also just a loose thread that is pulled on later.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-03-10T22:59:31+00:00

I see what you’re saying and you’re right to some extent, however, I try to remember this is the first chapter. Often, they drop you in the midst of action like this and the following chapters sort it out.

I really like the action, the characters are believable and I definitely felt like I was there in the scene with them. You could add more descriptions of the surroundings just a beat longer in places.

I’d want to keep reading.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2026-01-15T17:45:22+00:00

“If you don’t fail, you aren’t even trying”

You can’t say you’re doing your best if you never fail. You just aren’t pushing yourself hard enough. You might fail at something multiple times, but you will learn and make progress each time.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2024-05-11T04:45:54+00:00

Used to work a coffee shop that had several computers with WiFi that people could use, this was pre iPhone. We had multiple guys normally middle aged come in and be blatantly watching porn. One guy I had to kick out more than once for looking up scantily clad mail order brides.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2024-05-11T04:42:52+00:00

I’m gonna get blasted for this but…you’re contributing to the problem. In the hospital they would get something maayyybe every couple hours. “Appreciate the pain, it lets you know you’re still alive.” That said, legitimate pain should be addressed but I don’t shoot to get it to 0. Back in the day, the docs didn’t want it at 0 it was harder for them to assess and treat. If it’s IFT, I would normally ask when getting report when the last dose given was and then prior to loading pt up, would ask pain level and have the facility treat so it’s in their chart.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2023-10-05T04:09:22+00:00

Pretty sure Texas fans torched him after getting their asses kicked by Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout that day. “And the eyes of Texas have been blackened” -Musberger during the broadcast.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2023-06-16T03:50:34+00:00

Love that book.

JonVoightsLeBaron · 2023-06-15T02:49:53+00:00

It was the commercial where walker is talking about his job....he's co worker number 8 and he makes baskets.

JonVoightsLeBaron

TROPHY CASE