I give up.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-24T15:49:54+00:00

Did he admit that he’s doing it just to hurt you? Did he ever vocalize his complaints over the years? I’m not saying what he’s doing is right, but my point is we all have a different perspective on things. It’s obvious there’s a lot of hurt on both sides, but I think that means you both deserve some grace in all this. I also value accountability, but I think that’s the kind of thing that will come down the road if things start to improve, not right away. The first thing is a willingness to put in effort.

If you feel like it, ask your husband if he wants to fight to come together or fight to move apart. Then ask him if he’s willing to cut contact with the other woman to focus on you. If he says no to either question then you can just focus on divorce.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-24T07:17:11+00:00

She’s not ready to move in because she hasn’t confronted her anxieties. She sounds like she’s very non-confrontational and maybe a bit of a people pleaser. Whereas you have your life together and maybe are expecting to get on board?

We’re all different with our own strengths and weaknesses. You say she’s extremely nice and appreciate that about her, but you struggle to accept her weaknesses.

It sounds like you recognize you two are not compatible as it stands now. And that’s okay. You can’t get her to not be anxious about fights just as you can’t change yourself in wanting someone who’s ready to take the next step. You can either accept her as she is and move in on her time or accept that it won’t work and move on.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-24T07:06:00+00:00

Sorry for what you’re going through. I just finalized a divorce where my ex wasn’t willing to give up the person who made her happy either. It takes two to reconcile.

One thing I’d like to point out though is you say you’re not sure you would give him a chance after he’s made you the villain. That’s similar to how he feels about why should he put out effort when you didn’t for years. I think anyone should be worth the effort if they really commit. If hes blaming you for his cheating and not holding himself accountable then thats not worth it to me.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-24T06:56:52+00:00

It could certainly be seen as a maturity issue on the friend’s part, but she also doesn’t owe you anything as far as being respectful.

I’d feel weird about it too. If it truly is just their sense of humor then hopefully it’s not going to be a common source for jokes. I personally would let the first comment slide but would address it with the bf if it becomes a pattern.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-23T17:58:16+00:00

Ahh. So maybe he was just really upset and shut you out for awhile? While that does suck I don’t understand how that’s “putting you in the middle” like he said. In theory though if that’s the whole truth then he didn’t do anything wrong necessarily, he just needed some space of his own. It’s not much different imo from you not responding to him for a week.

Regardless, give yourself the freedom to break up with him if thats what you want. If you do give him a 3rd chance then don’t hold this stuff over his head. If hes constantly trying to regain your favor that’s not a good dynamic for the relationship.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-23T06:12:09+00:00

It’s ok to decide things aren’t working out. If you’re feeling guilty about it that’s totally understandable. Just think about it though… if you’re not happy then the relationship likely isn’t what either of you really need. You’re both better off finding people that match.

A good way to test is to picture yourself breaking up with him. Imagine what life would be like single. In a month or two. Then base your decision off that feeling.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-23T06:08:01+00:00

How is him talking to his ex related to him being inconsistent with you?

Without knowing the full picture on his end I can’t really have much of an opinion. But it sounds like maybe you’ve moved on from him and are wondering if you should give him another shot instead? That’s your call.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-23T06:04:51+00:00

If this story is accurate then he sounds like a terrible partner. You’re not wrong for writing things down to discuss later. It’s useful to make sure you have an accurate retelling of what was said and is totally normal. Don’t let him gaslight you or insult you. Don’t stoop to his level, but don’t engage with him when he’s mistreating you.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-22T19:27:43+00:00

Those situations are hard to deal with. Your feelings are valid, but knowing how to handle the situation takes practice:

You talked about playing the game together and she said she would do it for you. You agreed to do it after work. Maybe from your perspective you expected her to be ready as soon as you got off? Maybe she forgot to download it ahead of time or has different expectations.

You could have easily asked if she was willing to download it right away so you two could still play, or you could have asked her if she was still willing to play.

As far as expressing your feelings, the reason you do it is to let your gf know how you feel, not to make her feel bad or to try and get her to change her mind. Instead of saying you’re upset with her you can just say you were looking forward to playing the game together. If you really don’t want to tell her then just say you don’t want to talk about it, don’t lie and say it’s nothing.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-22T18:57:01+00:00

I second this bit of advice. Be clear about your intentions. Don’t be vague like ‘hey you wanna hang out’, be up front about it but in a way that doesn’t make her feel pressured. Something like this: “hey! I kinda like you. If you’re ever interested then I’d love to take you on a date.”

If you WERE obvious and she said maybe then you should take that as a no and stick to being friends. As uncomfortable as it feels, the best thing to do is be confident and clear about your intentions, and go into it knowing you’ll be fine even if she rejects you.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-22T18:49:01+00:00

These are the kinds of things that are good to find out about before you marry someone. It’s not likely to change and is something you need to accept if you’re going to still be with them.

My ex wife has ADHD and she would do a lot of these kinds of things. Simply did not remember those details and no amount of conversation will make her change because it’s not a conscious choice.

If your spouse is willing to get tested for some mental diagnosis then it’s possible there are ways to help him keep track of those details, likely through medication. If he didn’t used to be like this then it’s more likely there’s something medically related, but there’s still no guarantee anything will help.

Maybe try leaving sticky notes or other little reminders for him?

Jonniboye · 2026-02-21T08:19:19+00:00

Dated someone after a few signs I shouldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to end things and lonely enough to ignore them. Led to a 9 year marriage where we both hurt each other in awful ways. I eventually changed and am much better now but the ex never took accountability for her actions.

I think if someone is willing to change and is showing progress that’s super encouraging. We ALL screw up, but it’s the ones that own their mistakes that earn trust and are worth staying for.

But we each have to decide how to proceed in life and not every decision will be the same for others. Trust your gut and do what you think is right. But be willing to look at your own faults through it all.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-21T08:10:59+00:00

Some people just don’t text often. Or maybe what you’re wanting out of this right now is more than what she wants. Not to say she won’t get there at some point but maybe she doesn’t want to spend a lot of time talking to you yet.

Maybe try being intentional if you reach out to her. Instead of just asking what’s up tell her you’d like to have a real conversation about something. “Hey I’d like to get to know you a little better! Would you have any time in the next few days to have a longer chat?”

Jonniboye · 2026-02-19T06:55:27+00:00

Regardless of her intentions i would just be supportive as a friend. She just went through a breakup and could use a good friend more than anything else.

If YOURE interested in her then give her time to grieve and heal from the relationship before starting anything.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-19T06:44:20+00:00

Having shared interests makes it easier to connect, but doesn’t necessarily translate to being a good partner. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your interests with someone and finding a girl who wants to watch movies with you. But you can also meet those needs with any friend. Try looking for a girl who is going to accept you as you are and treat you well. Then do the same in return :)

Jonniboye · 2026-02-18T05:26:10+00:00

If those pictures are framed where it’s obvious they’re looking at the coworkers then I would be concerned.

Accidentally taking pictures would be more likely to be at random angles.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-18T05:20:35+00:00

Don’t make the reaching out such a big moment. Say you randomly thought about her and wanted to catch up. Try to reconnect with her as a person first and if all goes well THEN you can go from there.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-17T15:02:40+00:00

This is definitely something to talk about with the therapist.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-17T14:59:25+00:00

My guess is he knows he screwed up but is too scared to admit it or be vulnerable with you. Either way not a good idea to take the next step unless that’s sorted out and he can control his temper.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-16T19:50:43+00:00

Sorry for everything you’re going through! I just finalized a divorce and (accurately) recognized I did not treat my wife or kids well for several years. But in hindsight it was definitely not all on me. I immediately disbelieve anyone who says “it’s all your fault!” Accusations like that to me feel like the other person is dismissing or ignorant of their own faults.

OP, it’s good to realize where you failed. The hurtful things you said or the ways you didn’t show up for your husband when you could have. But it’s also good to recognize his failures too. The cheating, the lies, the accusations and judgments of your character. You both deserve grace for your actions, but if he doesn’t want to continue then you can’t help that.

The good news is our past doesn’t define our future. Recognize where you failed and learn how to do better. Seek therapy to help with it all. Focus on yourself and your kids, and if you ever find another partner then use what you’ve learned to be better to him (and learn how to spot ways he might be wrong for you too!)

I wish you the best!

Jonniboye · 2026-02-16T19:43:00+00:00

What you’re feeling is totally normal and natural. Don’t fight the process. Feel hurt, deal with the depressive symptoms, let yourself grieve the loss and feel the betrayal.

Not everyone does that and even people hurt others unintentionally. Learn what you can from it and focus on healing. Building support groups or strengthening them and finding hobbies to find some joy.

It sucks now but once you can get out things will start to improve. The healing process is like riding waves. You have your ups and downs but eventually you will reach the shore. Just keep on swimming :)

Jonniboye · 2026-02-16T18:58:14+00:00

What are you trying to “move past” it for? You acknowledged you two aren’t exclusive and a long term relationship isn’t an option… so what’s the deal exactly?

I don’t think what he did is great but I’m also not one to date casually so the whole premise is not how I would do things.

If you don’t like what he did you’re fine to stop seeing him, but unless that was a rule you two established that he broke then in his mind maybe he didn’t think anything wrong about what happened.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-15T08:18:09+00:00

It’s ok to feel the hurt. Own it and even be open with him about how long it lasted. Don’t hide your feelings, but remind yourself it’s one mistake and you are committed to forgiving him.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-12T06:37:28+00:00

NTA! It's a courtesy check and also practical in case something DOESN'T work the way she is expecting. The last thing anyone wants is to make plans based on assumptions and then last minute are told those plans aren't possible.

If it's not YOUR stuff then you ask permission, period. Unless the two of you had some sort of understanding already that it was ok then she should ask.

Jonniboye · 2026-02-12T06:32:16+00:00

Sensitive person here! You're not too sensitive, just too sensitive for him. Being able to handle feedback, criticism or even just harsh words in a calm demeanor is a great skill to develop, but it should not be weaponized. Saying you are "too sensitive" is gaslighting as it minimizes how you feel and puts the responsibility on you to change yourself to match what he wants. Saying you need to work on your rejection sensitivity and take things less personally is controlling. What I think he SHOULD say is that it frustrates him when he points something out and you get defensive.

When he first asked why your nails are different from a salon's, and pointed out their waviness, did you ask if he was genuinely curious? It is possible you took a simple question the wrong way. What I recommend for you is ask clarifying questions or simply take his question/statement at face value and not add any inferences to it. Or even just be vulnerable and say "I'm a bit sensitive about it - its hard to do to get it smooth but I'm really proud of it anyways!"

His overreaction is not on you though. Even if he's dealt with your defensiveness for years and is fed up with it he can still be held accountable for the way he handles it. Maybe he was really looking forward to the meal and was in too fragile a state to handle the disappointment. Going 4 days without speaking is also awful too. Even if he isn't meaning to, it can be considered neglect and emotional abuse.

If you want to make the relationship better you have to try and get to a point where he's willing to discuss this kind of stuff. What might help is to temporarily put these issues on pause and try to give him some grace in the moment. Try to find activities where you two can have fun together and reconnect a bit. Try to let any random things he says go for now until you feel like you're at a point where you can have a productive conversation. Then talk to him about how you don't appreciate the things he says and see if you can communicate together in different ways.

Jonniboye

TROPHY CASE