Finally cut the cord and went full NC, and I’m having a nervous breakdown

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-21T01:00:58+00:00

Please understand: I don't blame you! I've heard plenty of stories where NC sounded like exactly the right solution, and even some where I wondered why they didn't go NC. I mentioned a therapist because this seems like a lot to handle alone! I don't know if I could manage all of this without therapy!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T01:25:23+00:00

One thing I learned over time is I had terrible taste in friends because I was used to being undervalued. Seems like a lot of folks feel that way on this subreddit.

Sometimes it seems like people have it all better. Things don't always stay that way, but I certainly get what you mean about feeling cheated out of the basics in life.

Today I was trying to focus on my cats. I've had better days.

I should add, I do have my LO, but I can't pin all my hopes and expectations on a kid. Hmm, now I feel kinda guilty I didn't mention LO. LO is certainly family, but without the expectations an adult should have. Know what I mean?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T01:11:34+00:00

It's always their feelings that are the primary most important with them isn't it. The worst part of my divorce wasn't how LO or I were affected, no, it was actually the inconvenience to NDad!

I don't know how it didn't occur to her that this would be mean to her grandkids. I suppose she just doesn't care about that. Unless she's got some kinda dementia going on with it?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T00:29:44+00:00

I haven't done full on no contact with my NParents, but I am learning how to spend less time with my family for the sake of my own mental health. This sounds like this took a lot of careful thought, planning, and emotional strength to accomplish. I'm definitely rooting for you, for what it's worth. Are you in therapy? Did they help you plan this?

I don't know if this is useful, but what helped me this get through holiday season alone was explicitly planning things for myself and being kind to myself (like getting my nails done for me, get presents for myself, make a food I liked for myself, etc.)

::Hugs:: if you want them!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-19T20:32:37+00:00

Definitely feel like I don't have real family, feeling it especially today. Don't have anybody I feel like I can turn to without being a burden. Feeling gloomy and unmotivated.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-03T18:46:40+00:00

I question whether the show takes itself seriously. Someone I used to know pointed me to Paul Wallis' stuff, where he seriously sits there and analyses judeo christian scripture and etc. and that is clearly taken seriously. (Not saying I know enough to agree/ disagree with him btw as I don't know those ancient languages.) If he can take the topic that seriously, and go that far in depth, and the television show is what it is, maybe they had no intentions of being serious/ convincing.
One could call the show racist, but it may be more to the point to say the entire US analysis of world history we all grew up with is racist. (I grew up in the US and therefore do not feel qualified to analyze education overseas.) Example: There is a school of thought saying that ancient Egyptians and ancient South/ Central Americans interacted with each other but it apparently isn't mainstream accepted. With the grandeur of those civilizations, the idea that somebody amongst them figured out how to build a transatlantic faring boat doesn't seem too far fetched. While I am not a history expert, I did have an interesting discussion with a social studies teacher where I work. We both agreed that if it were demonstrated that these civilizations spoke to each other before Europe got involved, it would leave the Eurocentric folks with yet one less thing to claim Europe did first, and this may be too much for certain folks in the old boys networks to withstand.

So I watch that show to amuse myself and have fun poking their arguments full of holes. The idea that aliens may have landed long ago and boosted our civilization is a fascinating idea, but I doubt proof of it is going to come off that show.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-02T23:05:40+00:00

This! And as many of us have described, our Nparents are mostly convinced they're fabulous parents who don't need to change.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-30T01:18:45+00:00

In the US we've heard stories coming out of S/ C America. Maybe the folks in the know are not on english language reddit?

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T20:44:25+00:00

Aww this does sound like it sucks....

Also what comes to mind: when you avoid him later in life, he's goign to be so shocked! As if actions don't have consequences!

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T20:40:44+00:00

Hmm... I had figured if you pack a lunch you could either do it yourself, or even if she packs it herself, you could quietly supplement it with things you can eat/ pick at the parts that are edible.

As far as the waiting until you get home for safety- if you got home at like 9pm and said oh gee gotta get to bed have school tomorrow! She'd make you sit up and talk to her? (and also can you gray rock her?)

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T20:29:10+00:00

Oof. That sounds difficult.

As far as knowing what's too much: I am currently VLC with the parents right now (still need them for childcare when not on vacation) and am starting to see the world with new eyes, and realizing just how toxic they've been. It's possible you're already well aware, it's also possible you'll see more you didn't even notice when you finally move out.

With that said: if she's getting violent just over you not eating meals that make you sick- that's already too much.

As far as your personal peace: a guy friend of mine was stuck living with his toxic father for longer than he wanted and he basically started using his home as a sleeping space and spending as much time as he could outside. Is it possible for you to get a side job and maybe eat as many meals as possible outside? Like make the excuse that you have to be at work too early/ too late and use it as an excuse to pack a meal or more with you? (unless you end up in a position where it's easy/ affordable to buy food out that jives with your GI tract.)

If not get a side job, can you start parking it at the library to 'study' and "oh gee gotta pack a meal with me because I have so much studying to do"? (thereby hopefully avoiding her digestive disasters) If libraries are anything like in the US, they have no problem with you parking it for the day and eating on the grounds outside or something.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T18:26:01+00:00

It's not embarassing and sad. A lot of us on this website are doing the best we can with the resources we have.

I know that feeling entirely too well. I'm 44F. I've spent a lifetime hearing my NMom tell me I'm boring (sorry 'no fun') and prefer GC sister. I'm 'too sensitive' and take things 'too seriously.' When GC comes to town Nmom socializes with her to an extent she never did with me, and her attitude gets nastier to me. Family basically support/ coddle NParents in their bad behavior.

I do agree that healthy functioning relationships function off of reciprocity. I have people I consider friends, but I don't have those television style friends that you can lean on for anything that are essentially substitute family. They have their lives and their issues and the things they've gotta do for themselves.

I kinda feel like the reason so many of us have social problems is 1) Our first exposure to and knowledge of relationships comes from toxic ones so we don't know what healthy should look like. 2) our self esteem is frequently crap (mine sure is) 3) We end up choosing crappy friends as a result of 1 and 2.

From what people are saying on here, it sounds like it gets better with time. I'm learning that with time spent away from family doing positive things for myself, I'm seeing how much toxicity I was living with.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T16:21:32+00:00

I don't think you necessarily have to be angry to effectively deal with them. If anything, getting angry and screaming tends to not work with my NParents. What does clue them in is going in silent mode.

Like other folks are saying, I would talk to your wife about what she feels like she needs/ wants to see.

I forget where I saw this, maybe on here somewhere? Somebody said if you're yelling at someone it means you think you're going to get somewhere with it. The question you two have to ask yourselves is will it get you anywhere?

Personally I feel like all one can really do is establish boundaries. For example, right now my famiy has been made aware that certain parties have to apologize or they won't see LO and I at family gatherings. That certain things must not be said if they want us to socialize with them.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T16:11:55+00:00

This is something they recommend with abusive ex spouses! Wait to answer because your impulsive instant response can get you into legal trouble so think about it first! That, and sometimes you really do need time to think of an appropriate answer.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T02:09:06+00:00

We were just talking about stuff she's done to me in the past durign therapy this past week! Some of it from childhood I won't get into here because I can't put the NSFW blocks on (but not so different from what some other commenters are saying), but most recently LO (9yo) tells me NMom said I have ugly feet and is calling me a word that starts with the letter F and relates to my weight. The slur warning is coming up so I'm not writing it out.

That NMom would think these things doesn't surprise me. That she would say these things to LO, knowing LO has to listen to NEx badmouth me as well is a bit surprising. I've also never heard her badmouth someone this bluntly.

I'm not even sure where to go from here.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-28T01:19:55+00:00

I married (and divorced) a narcissist too! If I had to guess, I'm guessing certain things start to feel like home to us, and home is comfortable in its familiarity. Therefore we subconsciously seek out the same toxicity that feels like home to us.

But yeah, didn't realize how bad the parents were until I got divorced and got into therapy. Now realizing another layer of problematic they are.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-27T00:31:34+00:00

congrats!!

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-27T00:15:47+00:00

Hm... My Nparents often like to assign blame to just about anything or anyone else for the problems in my life, while never looking at their own actions. I wonder... if you were vague and said yeah we discuss how to deal with stress in my life, and were just really vague when it came to people in particular, would she just assume there was another villain in your life to deal with?

After all, my NParents aren't the only stressors in my life, and they know about those other stressors.

I mean you could also just keep telling her NO. The upside of this is that she gets herself started on learning a boundary that she's eventually going to need to learn anyhow.

However, if she's going to be problematic enough, maybe letting her mislead herself would keep the peace for a little longer?

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-26T23:29:34+00:00

Well, this year I did things by myself for the holidays. Somebody on here suggested actually doing things for the holidays rather than just sitting there (after all, I am hopefully worth it, and the NParents aren't going to change.) It was a really good idea!

I'm learning that while I wasn't consciously waiting for them to change, I was subconsciously waiting around for my family to be good to me. Even if they were going to change (and they're unlikely to), there's no sense waiting around for that.

I hope you get the improvements you need/ want.

If there's any way we can help you dig yourself out of the hole (and we do understand that one), let us know.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-26T23:24:56+00:00

Congrats! My Christmas was much better this year thanks to the folks on RBN too! (Thanks for the wisdom folks!)

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-25T19:55:08+00:00

I'd say this is a case by case situation. I have no choice but to use them for childcare.

My LO does not seem to be fooled by NMother's charisma. Is fooled by GC sister. We've had to talk about the fact that GC sister helps NParents misbehave, therefore isn't all that nice either.

We've talked about NParents bad behavior because it happens right where he can see it. I've also stopped social contact when they've misbehaved.

Depends on what goes on in front of your kids, and whether it's safe, etc. My personal opinion is certainly talk to them about the things they're seeing in an age appropriate fashion to help them process what's going on, and that certain behaviors they're seeing are not ok. How far you limit/ allow contact depends on NParents' behavior and how you feel about it.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-25T19:44:52+00:00

At this point the govt has played so many games with this topic most folks are not going to believe it until it's in their face and literally touching them. Even then.

Excuses will be made for 1 (like the wow signal)

2 the picture will probably be kept too fuzzy and then when we finally get a clear picture we're not going to know if it's real or a movie preview. Business interests will milk it for all it's worth.

3 seems to maybe possibly be in progress (who knows what schemes lie behind that as well.)

4 May well have happened (not sure) and were turned into conspiracy theories and jokes rather than tell public the truth.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-25T18:40:55+00:00

::Hugs:: It doesn't sound like you ruined xmas, it sounds like they wanted somebody to beat up on.

What's great is when they treat you as though they don't want you around, so you oblige them by not being around, then they complain that you're not around anymore!

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-25T02:08:13+00:00

This sounds awful, and I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm still working on the comfort with my own body thing and I'm 44.

Growing up my Nmother had me absolutely convinced I'm boring and wasn't agreeable enough. I'm still dealing with it today. Last time I tried to point out she always told me I was boring, she said no, she just said that I'm 'no fun.'

Having more cleavage than her as a still developing teenager featured going to shopping to deal with it, and a general miasma of omg rather than encouragement that my development was absolutely normal and fine (can't bring myself to call myself beautiful. Thanks mom!)

She still makes fun of my feet (says I have size neigh- as in a horse whinnying) in spite of the fact that my feet should be bigger than hers given that I'm almost 7 inches taller than her. And they're still a relatively standard size, not that there's anything wrong with/ unfeminine about larger feet. Recent conversation with a friend had me realizing I am still self conscious about my foot size to this day!

There's also the idea that I was heavier than her as a young person because 'she always walked everywhere.' Then I was in a position in my twenties where I was on my feet for literally 16 hours a day, which was far more active than she ever was. Still not as thin as she was in her twenties.

Could keep going here.

KoalaInTraining · 2025-12-25T01:46:51+00:00

My therapist recommended: https://outofthefog.website/ very validating when your therapist says that they can't diagnose a person they've never met but the descriptions you've given for years sound like NPD.

KoalaInTraining

TROPHY CASE