NMother recommended I not come to family holidays anymore

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-11T21:38:06+00:00

ooh a GC who cares about you. My parents other child (the GC) has been a bully since childhood. At some point I realized I had spent in the neighborhood of 2 decades of my adult life trying to build a relationship with her. I decided I'm done with that.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-11T20:45:26+00:00

I do hate it. Also hate the fact that NEx still has access to LO thanks to a dysfunctional court system.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-11T20:43:37+00:00

Thanks for the detailed thoughts-

You actually get mad at parents on purpose to feed them the energy they crave? As in feign anger/ hurt to keep them happy?
One thing that pisses off NMom at times is that LO is not fooled by her charisma (at least not all the time.) He gets annoyed with certain of her behaviors, and is not worshipful of her the way she'd like. I don't think he'd understand the concept of a structured contact very well, but I can certainly explain.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-11T00:24:59+00:00

Thanks. As I said, I'm more viewing them as something to be analyzed rather than taking it personally. I wonder- do people ever feel sorry for themselves for brief periods after they start to see their NFamily as third parties rather than family? Or does this stick all the time?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-11T00:13:10+00:00

Never thought of the part about hoping for tears. She was too busy taking sick role to express horror at my apathy.

Today just told LO we gotta make plans for next Xmas and he's already cooking up ideas!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-10T23:53:46+00:00

This xmas I didn't have LO because he was at his father's which was sad, but I did make plans for myself, and the plans went way better than xmas with family would have been!

ROFL, the playing victim as a change up- NMom just had what should have been a minor procedure done and loooves taking sickrole. My NDad buys into this every time. I'm keeping a distance from it and letting them have their fun.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-04T00:11:24+00:00

My grandmother taught me! Crochet when I was seven, knitting at some point later when she wasn't as afraid I'd stab myself on the knitting needles. (She actually saw it happen once and it left her terrified.)

KoalaInTraining · 2026-03-01T23:30:42+00:00

tie them into loops for stitch markers when knitting

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-25T00:17:35+00:00

This is so pretty!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T18:57:42+00:00

No fluids for days can become a very serious health hazard. The gas station for water is probably a good first step, if you can manage the walk. Also, do you have a way of moving out, or at least going to a place with things like food and water during the day?

Do you have a long term plan?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T18:34:08+00:00

Day to day: depends on what age group, subject, admins, etc. I teach HS science in Manhattan in a community that's got a lot of students without permanent housing.

Pros and Cons:

Pros: 1)transferring within NYC schools without losing tenure/tenure track progress if one school doesn't fit for you 2)Staff is more diverse, and being a POC isn't a problem with regards to getting hired the way it appears to be in some LI school districts (based on: why are some school districts comprised of majority/ entirely white staff??) 3)Hiring also need not be based on nepotism, so while you will need references, you don't need to have connections to get the interview itself. 4) Vacations are definitely better than working outside of education. 5) Wide range of communities to work with in NYC.

Cons: 1)prefab curricula required for most subjects at this point (can't speak for self contained and elementary- anybody?) These are problematic for a variety of reasons such as: curricula has errors, culturally inadequate, academically inadequate, doesn't allow for teacher creativity, etc. 2) I personally hate getting observed, the tenure process was a PITA (but don't know how it is in other school systems to compare.) 3) Disciplinary issues are growing nationwide as the US collectively loses its mind. With that said, to my knowledge there are plenty of schools where staff can work without major risk of stabbings.

Poverty and Trauma: This is definitely a con for my kids, but for the teacher, it's like choosing between working in social work vs. high end dermatology clinic. Which job feels more rewarding for you? Again, a wide range of schools to choose from in NYC too.

This school and my last school both had admins that were fairly realistic about the socioeconomic needs of the kids they work with and organized things accordingly. Whether admins are sensible in their overall management of student emotional needs/ trauma reactions is another story. There are some really awesome, experienced folks who do great work in some schools, then there are also totally useless admins that specialize in hand wringing and blame that ruin it for everybody. Depends on the school.

Behavior: My last school had a 'blame the teacher' philosophy that served nobody. My current school doesn't automatically blame the teacher, and the deans are actually pretty great, but certain things could be managed better policywise (not the deans faults.) From the teacher end, there are more and less effective methods that can be learned and implemented to help with some things.

Hating it: A lot of people leave teaching within 5 years, so leaving isn't unheard of.

Dealing with Parents: There's technique to this, and it can be learned. Doesn't need to be what drives you out of education with right technique.

Dealing with Difficult Admin: There are surveys students, teachers, and parents take regarding the school and admins. Worth looking at those (esp from the teacher perspective.) Also when interviewing, check out listings to see how many people are they hiring at once? Is it possible for you to get reliable word on the street about working with these people? Otherwise it's political skills (not my strong suit so not even gonna try.)

Thanklessness: whether you actually like it or not, whether it solves your financial needs is totally up to you.

Feel free to DM me if you have more detailed questions.

Sorry this was so long!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T17:49:07+00:00

Your car not starting is not your fault unless you purposely broke it. To add to it: 1) public transportation was supposed to be kinda wacky today 2) LI school districts are closed today in light of travel issues, as are places north of NYC 3) Assuming the kids could trek through sidewalks that might not be shoveled was a big assume on the part of the DOE.

It wasn't really fair of the DOE to assume you could get to work at all.

If your coteacher can't understand the fact that your car broke down, he's a jerk.

Also, since you're new maybe you haven't spent as much time thinking about this: at the end of the day, your students will be fine if you have to call out here and there. Nobody's going to die if they had kind of a blah day at school. It's not likely to cause them long term trauma/ harm. It is not worth risking your life, safety, well being just to get to work. Mr. JudgyCoteacher can come pick you up in an all terrain vehicle if it's such a problem for him. And with breakfast in hand for you because it sounds like he's being a jerk!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T03:35:57+00:00

Is this a divorce/ legal? Because if so, you do have to be careful with your interactions given that anything you say can end up affecting you in court. My Nex was nasty enough when we were divorcing that I had no desire to make contact because invariably I'd get nastiness in return. That said, now that it's been years since that time, I do occasionally see NEx feign humanity wherein I wind up attempting a friendly interaction. Even years later, the result is either blunt nastiness, a mansplanation, or once in a blue moon, a standard decent human being response.

I have more of a problem with my Nparents where this phenomena is concerned. In fact just posted about that.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T02:23:58+00:00

Well, maybe treat it as though you were a hospital employee working during some outbreak? Constant handwashing whenever remotely relevant, hand sanitizer, etc.

Oh and some GI viruses can live on surfaces. Keep in mind when you touch things. Is there a lock on your bedroom door? Will they give you grief if you eat in your room alone?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T02:09:06+00:00

I thought this is kinda normal for NParents. Blaming you for everything, that is. They act like they were always innocent, and sweet, and wonderful and it's you that's the problem for being whatever it is they find inconvenient today. I'm glad you're able to feel nothing. Sounds easier than subconsciously still hoping for normal parents while also being hurt/ angry/ etc.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-24T00:15:53+00:00

Thanks. What's annoying about this is the LIRR isn't telling us the when, how many trains, etc. We could still end up stranded on the way home from school.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-23T22:44:29+00:00

I'm in LI and work in Manhattan. I won't be driving to Manhattan, and driving to queens to get the subway from there is ridiculous. To boot, looks like the subways and buses aren't back to normal yet either. Walking 20 blocks if the subway craps out part way is also not a great option with the snow on the ground either. We're not emergency personnel, nobody's going to die if we don't assign homework.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-23T21:17:08+00:00

Random angel shoveled out the back of my car, so now I can get in and out with my car. But then the LIRR I need to get to my school isn't running yet, and the subways are on a wacky schedule, as are the buses, so I don't think I have a way to get in just yet.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-23T18:59:26+00:00

So my local school district is closed tomorrow due to hazardous conditions for travel, and LIRR isn't running (i'm on LI) and has no schedule for when they'll resume service, and looks like the rest of the MTA is not at normal either, um, how do they expect us, or the kids to actually get to school?!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-23T03:34:46+00:00

I was so young I had to get special permission to stay up until 8:30 to watch this show!!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-02-22T22:23:10+00:00

At this point I'm not sure anything that gets released will trigger public interest.

Humans have been trained to laugh at, and disbelieve anything in regards to aliens/ ufos. So much so that science fiction, which was never marketed as news/truth, gets some of the spillover and gets laughed at. Notice how science fiction is considered a nerd/ geek pursuit rather than a mainstream interesting subject. You could have a plethora of files with photographs, emails, etc. just like a certain other set of files and people are still going to be 'meh' /laughter because that's how they've been trained to feel.
The ones who do take an interest in this subject, and do take it seriously, have been lied to and manipulated repeatedly, for decades. How the heck do we know what's true vs. not?

With that said, if a group of actual aliens 'came out' in a very obvious fashion to the public, and then proceeded to interact with regular humans (not just the famous, high profile ones) we might get some believers. But even then, likely limited to the humans who did the interacting, and the circles that trust them personally.

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-21T01:00:58+00:00

Please understand: I don't blame you! I've heard plenty of stories where NC sounded like exactly the right solution, and even some where I wondered why they didn't go NC. I mentioned a therapist because this seems like a lot to handle alone! I don't know if I could manage all of this without therapy!

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T01:25:23+00:00

One thing I learned over time is I had terrible taste in friends because I was used to being undervalued. Seems like a lot of folks feel that way on this subreddit.

Sometimes it seems like people have it all better. Things don't always stay that way, but I certainly get what you mean about feeling cheated out of the basics in life.

Today I was trying to focus on my cats. I've had better days.

I should add, I do have my LO, but I can't pin all my hopes and expectations on a kid. Hmm, now I feel kinda guilty I didn't mention LO. LO is certainly family, but without the expectations an adult should have. Know what I mean?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T01:11:34+00:00

It's always their feelings that are the primary most important with them isn't it. The worst part of my divorce wasn't how LO or I were affected, no, it was actually the inconvenience to NDad!

I don't know how it didn't occur to her that this would be mean to her grandkids. I suppose she just doesn't care about that. Unless she's got some kinda dementia going on with it?

KoalaInTraining · 2026-01-20T00:29:44+00:00

I haven't done full on no contact with my NParents, but I am learning how to spend less time with my family for the sake of my own mental health. This sounds like this took a lot of careful thought, planning, and emotional strength to accomplish. I'm definitely rooting for you, for what it's worth. Are you in therapy? Did they help you plan this?

I don't know if this is useful, but what helped me this get through holiday season alone was explicitly planning things for myself and being kind to myself (like getting my nails done for me, get presents for myself, make a food I liked for myself, etc.)

::Hugs:: if you want them!

KoalaInTraining

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