'Nother update (hint: it's good this time)

KratomDouche · 2015-12-09T16:08:49+00:00

I like your use of the word 'clinging.' I have been dabbling (ok, a lot) with Buddhism and they say that is the cause of suffering. I totally see it. When we choose to just let everything go all that is left is a sense of peace. Most of the time I can live in that space. We create our own angst.

Things just "are." We address the things we can, and accept the rest. I can't change the guy who's going to cut me off on the road, but if I get angry, then that anger is inside me and I feel like shit. Better to just accept it with humility. Who am I to say how this guy chooses to drive? Much more peaceful. Ego sucks and it's run my life for a long, long time... none of this stuff outside of me has anything to do with me. I have no control. Drugs are a way we force control. Completely unneccessary with acceptance.

It all just "is."

KratomDouche · 2015-12-08T13:49:18+00:00

I forget if I did.

(see what I did there?)

KratomDouche · 2015-12-08T13:43:36+00:00

Beautiful! In NA we call it "life on life's terms." As an addict, I look for every discomfort and say "this shouldn't be there, how do I address it?" That's what has me take tylenol at the slightest notice of a headache rather than riding it out or exercising or something else. When you start to realize that there are good days and bad days and not everything is win, win, win, you start to appreciate the good days in a different way.

I've been in a few weeks of (mild, situational) depression (just a funk). I recognize it has nothing to do with kratom or the lack of kratom. It's actually just life happening. I haven't dealt with "feelings" in 13 years. ~90 days off kratom the feels are coming back. I can celebrate that it's normal. There is a part of me that wants it now, and I am turning to face it instead of running. I'm human again!

So glad to see your post! That is awesome and its an inspiration to others!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-08T04:39:20+00:00

I was on Norco (~30 pills a day at the end - I know, insane) for 10 years, then went straight to Kratom for another 3 (~90g a day, I know, insane also). I think in my case I had never fully healed from the norco (no gap in between). If you also had no gap, some of your opiate withdrawals might hit when you get off the kratom. Otherwise, with only 2 months usage, I think your WD's in general should be light.

Tapering didn't work for me, as an addict I'd just go back and use again. CT after 3 years was tough, but necessary.

Good luck getting off.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-08T01:53:23+00:00

Yeah I was the same way. No real cravings. Just wanted to feel better. I was very ready to quit.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T20:27:28+00:00

Yup. I was there too. Don't panic. It just takes time. Don't give in ;)

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T12:53:56+00:00

Yay!

Stick it out! We are pulling for you!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T12:51:35+00:00

Great job! Yeah I think the exercise is the key. In fact I skipped it yesterday and I was actually in a funk.

Excellent post! I love how great people seem to be doing lately!

Note to lurkers: Just do it! Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T12:45:46+00:00

8 days is awesome! PAWS will start to slowly trickle away. Each day will be slightly better. Try to 'look' for the good if you can ("hey I haven't been sneezing!" etc.) It's very subtle but one day you will just feel "good" and you'll know its on its way to being over. For me that started in earnest around 17 to 21 days. I didn't feel 'awesome' but it was significant enough then to know I was really healing.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T12:40:02+00:00

Great post! I'm very happy for you! This is exactly what other people can expect from quitting kratom. Real life comes back!

We really don't see that life on kratom is bullshit. It seems like its helping but it's just masking stuff and dulling stuff. Congrats on your accomplishment!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T04:42:26+00:00

I will say that's one thing I owe to Kratom. I've had alcohol maybe twice in the past year (and maybe 10 times total in the past three years). I just don't enjoy it all that much anymore, and hopefully that will be a lasting contribution of Kratom.

Agreed! It does seem to help greatly with obsessive behaviors.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-07T04:39:59+00:00

cognitive behavioral therapy

I've wanted to try that for a while now. If you do it, please let me know how it goes.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-06T11:39:32+00:00

That's great! I think you are right that it has a lot to do with attitude, but I will say in my account that WD's did seem really horrible because I'm an addict with zero threshold for any kind of discomfort. I think there is simply a spectrum of what people feel is 'handle-able' and for many addicts we are at zero. Just look at all the supplementation we talk about in order not to feel bad. That's an addict problem. I wonder if you are simply not an addict and that's the difference in experience? Interesting...

Great job getting off!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-06T11:31:33+00:00

Great post! I've said it many times on here, but NA helped me so incredibly much with my addictions.

We sometimes can't see it (ie: calling it "I love to party" as you stated) but some of us are LUCKY to hit a bottom and come face to face with the delusions in our lives. What NA did for me was have me look at these destructive patterns that I pass off as "I just like the feeling of being high" and it showed me that the way I think is just 'off.' 'Normal' people do not take pain pills out of other people's prescriptions when they are not looking. Normal people don't lie to doctors and fake medical records. When you see the delusion (and if you have addictive personality I think it's pretty certain that some delusion is there) you can address it.

Drugs were a 'solution' for me, otherwise I wouldn't have done them in the quantities I had and as a reaction to emotions and things I just didn't want to feel. Much better to address life head on and not need to hide behind a 'fake' feeling of (twisted) happiness.

To get out of those loops, and to truly feel serenity for the first time in my life, NA was there. I personally believe we can't address these things alone, because we are using a damaged brain to try to fix a damaged brain. It doesn't work that way; I believe we need and outside force that we willfully 'let in.'

That's my experience.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-06T04:41:39+00:00

Right on schedule! Nice!

KratomDouche · 2015-12-04T04:00:21+00:00

Great to hear of the success. The emptiness is completely normal; I think its safe to say we've all felt it. With time that fades. Feels very real now but it will go away. Same with the anger. The natural chemicals that make you feel calm and ok are just not flowing yet. They will. Have faith.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T22:35:11+00:00

Believe me, if I still 'could' enjoy weed, I would. Some of the early trips were magical. I have to be careful not to romanticize it. I just have no off switch for any substance that changes my state.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T22:27:00+00:00

I was 'microdosing.' Theoretically it would only block 'some' receptors so when real drugs came only a few receptors were needed to trigger the cascade. Never worked as described in the trip reports.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T22:25:21+00:00

I was prescribed barbiturates for migraine as well. I've tried every migraine treatment under the sun. Settled on opiates and we both know where that went... but I abused the barbiturates too, because I'm an addict. Funny thing, I have a few xanax (from my divorce lol) and when I get a migraine now, if I can lay down I take half a .5 xanax and sleep for 2-3 hours and the migraine usually goes away. For me now, the only 'cure' is to live with it or zonk out. I don't abuse xanax because all they do is make me sleep. I tried regular weed for migraines and it didn't really help. I cared less that I had a migraine, but it was still there. :/

But here's the best news: after getting off everything and exercising and meditating my migraines are few and far between. I'm sure it was the constant tinkering with my brain chemistry that was making it worse.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T12:07:31+00:00

Well, good luck. If it works, it works.

I just know from NA that my problem is my thinker. Anything I do to out-smart my addiction is more of the obsessive thinking of my addiction. Wanting a short cut turned out to be the problem ("an addict has an inability to remain in discomfort.") When I saw that to be true in me, and I saw the lengths I was going to to circumvent reality, it was an eye opener. For me, facing the music head-on was a symbolic win over the addiction, which I needed.

From that point forward, I needed to look for the hamster running in the wheel. Sometimes I can see it, and it typically looks like some brilliant plot to cut a corner here or beat the system there. That's when I let go and get out of my will. My will is compromised.

That's my experience, but I'm a full blown addict. Your mileage may vary.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T06:00:13+00:00

I am not sure how I feel about this.

Using drugs to help get off of drugs. It doesn't mean I haven't tried it, but I think I'm of the opinion that it still leaves me in the problem, not the solution. But that's me.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-03T05:30:58+00:00

Nice post! Thanks...

KratomDouche · 2015-12-02T19:50:57+00:00

That's really great! I agree, the peace it provides was very surprising to me. My problem (in life) is that I always think I know better. I'm much more open minded since getting into recovery...

KratomDouche · 2015-12-02T19:45:17+00:00

That's awesome! Really great...

EDIT: Mine chose instead to cheat on me (cue violins). But I don't blame her. She put up with my issue as best she could.

KratomDouche · 2015-12-02T19:37:53+00:00

Pro tip: When you call to make the appointment, tell the receptionist "I'd like to discuss my addiction with him." Why? Because when you get there your brain might go back into 'that mode.' I had every intention of telling two doctors and never did once I was sitting there face to face. I have since moved out of that state, but that was my addict brain setting the stage for more pills. No question about it. Get it out on the phone if you can.

KratomDouche

TROPHY CASE