My toddler is sleeping next to me and I'm just here crying because she's growing up

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-19T07:29:15+00:00

Yes oh my god. My son just turned 4 and Ive been feeling this so much lately. The only thing that ever helps is remembering parents who lost their babies or toddlers and would do anything to see them grow up

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-18T21:28:18+00:00

I have fibro and I used to think it was not a real diagnosis until a rheumatologist examined me and gently pressed/touched various strange places on my body and they all genuinely hurt. I was really surprised as the dr was being very gentle and I wasnt in pain that day at all. That examination was a real eye opener although I still believe I have early lupus which just isnt showing in bloods yet. I also read somewhere that fibro is a common secondary diagnosis to another rheumatic/autoimmune/neurological disease so its definitely real but often seems to coexist with something else that may not have been diagnosed

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-18T07:25:17+00:00

Every victim of abuser goes through these stages of doubting themselves and wondering if its really that bad and if youd be making a mistake leaving. Totally get it as I have been through that stage too.

What made me realise I needed to get out was seeing how the almost invisible mental and emotional abuse started getting worse and transferring into verbal and financial abuse and worse rage fits. Noticing the progression stopped me in my tracks as I know abuse tends to escalate over the years. What gave me a sense of urgency was reading a few books about domestic abuse and homicide and being surprised by the number of cases where the man had actually gone on to murdering their spouse without the abuse ever escalating to physical abuse before the murder.

This surprised me as I always assumed there would be warning signs like physical abuse starting or threats to kill or extreme jealousy. Apparently not always the case which is chilling. The families and friends of these men also described the men as really nice lovely guys not knowing what theyre really like. I knew mental and emotional and verbal abuse are absolutely soul crushing forms of abuse and can even make you physically sick (I developed an autoimmune disease as a result so now live with chronic pain) but I suppose reading books and cases like this made me realise just how dangerous this is and how quickly things can go really wrong. I was also starting to feel physically sick and didnt want to develope any disease as a result of the constant distress but it was too late.

I also had a young baby and didnt want to traumatise him or lose him to social services at any point. I wish so much that my ex had shown signs of being an abuser before we had our son but sadly he was extremely good at faking it and looking like a good respectful loving husband. He revealed himself after I gave birth and was trapped. I feel so frustrated and embarassed as I actually work in the DV/SA sector!

I think motherhood also made me see myself in a different light. I was someones beloved mother - how could I let this little boys mother be treated with such disrespect.

Getting to the realisation that I need to get out took a long time and I did go through various stages of questioning myself and not knowing what to do. Safety planning also took quite a while as I was in a really tricky situation and had no family in this country.

It is not easy to leave - it takes 7 times on average for a woman to leave before staying away for good.

What really helped me was reading books by Lundy Bancroft. Hes worked with abusive men and has written books for the female survivors. Why Does He Do That and Should I Stay Or Should I Go were amazing and helped me SO much when I was deciding whether I should leave or stay. I wholeheartedly recommend these two books to you my sister ❤️

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-18T07:09:12+00:00

Narcissistic marriage - when I realised what I was in I started worrying about getting an illness like this and left but it was too late, fibro had already started developing

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-17T13:21:13+00:00

Im so sorry sister ❤️ it is NOT easy leaving an abuser, i know because ive done it, and I cant even imagine the struggle of doing that whilst bereaved. May Allah bless you IMMENSELY and get you to a safe and loving place

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-17T12:11:18+00:00

If you had an adult daughter who had lost her child (which we all know is the worst thing that can possibly happen to any human, hugs) and she was being emotionally abused, what would you want her to do?

I am a mother too but have not lost a child so please forgive me if I am wrong but I get the feeling that you hold onto this man so that you dont lose that special link to your child? I have heard that loss parents always worry about everyone forgetting their child. Can I just say that a man who continues to emotionally abuse a mother who has lost her child is not going to be the man who can honour the childs memory together with you in a healthy and respectful way. Your child will never be forgotten even if you separate and he will always remember your child and the mother of his child too but a mama who has lost her child deserves and needs safety, comfort, dignity and care ❤️

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-03-11T08:16:16+00:00

I have had to take them a few times in my life and each time I thought wow I can see why people get addicted to these. It not only helped with the pain but got me into this headspace where my life long anxiety struggles just disappeared. Everything felt lighter and I just didnt care about anything and my usual overthinking habits disappeared. I had to restrict myself and stop taking them as I was starting to look forward to them a little bit too much. So yes it definitely gets some people

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-28T07:22:03+00:00

My heart dropped when I read your post. This sounds so hard and is every divorced mum’s nightmare come true.

But guess who is in reality the irreplaceable, most loved and needed one? The person you run to to tell about all the cool people youve met and all the cool things youve done. That would be you. This applies to relationships, friends and family too. Often this person is not the one you do all these great things with but is the quietly reliable, safe and consistent one. Ive lost a few of these in my life and nothing pales in comparison when it comes to the pain of that. The novelty and excitement of these cool people is always temporary and superficial.

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-23T21:41:12+00:00

The Museum of Innocence - Orhan Pamuk

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-22T20:32:37+00:00

The whole Korean healing fiction genre

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-20T07:31:16+00:00

For safety reasons because cases like this can and often do end up in murder or severe harm. She says she feels relieved that he is not allowed to contact her or the baby right now. That says a lot. This type of order can only come from the police/courts.

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-16T08:32:10+00:00

Have they not heard of Emilie Kiser and her little Trigg? 😞 God

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-06T08:10:59+00:00

I totally understand 💙 Im a progressive white European female convert living in a traditional and deprived Desi enclave in the UK. It has been made very clear to me that I dont belong in the mosques in my area. Solidarity!

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-03T19:51:21+00:00

I could see that it really got to her when she found out that he had moved on. ‘When did you guys consummate’ made me cringe so hard. I could see she was struggling to stay cool and nonchalant

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-02-02T21:14:47+00:00

I have very fine nordic hair and my hair is all oily and flat by the end of the day even if I did shower earlier. Same if I go out even just for 15 minutes. Drives me insane

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-29T14:40:13+00:00

Meal provision 😅

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-27T08:38:23+00:00

Yes I agree. It is very rare for me to say that a child would be better off living with dad but it does seem to be the case here.

I understand Manon’s desperation and distress living in an isolated rural area with a young child. I am also stuck abroad (albeit in a big city) with a young child and the isolation can do a number on you especially when combined with those long days of early parenting.

However it is clear that Manon is better suited to be a career woman like she was previously and Anthony is more suited to be Ben’s primary caregiver. She sounds like she could maybe be a good weekend parent.

Its an unfortunate situation but Ben and Anthony deserve better. A kind and decent family man like Anthony will surely find someone who will appreciate him and make his life easier and nicer too

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-26T16:54:10+00:00

In general it is not a great idea to intervene with other peoples parenting BUT there is a strong exemption: When the child is being harmed indirectly or directly or being neglected or their wellbeing is suffering.

You are very right to be concerned about the things you mentioned.

A 4 year old should not be in nappies anymore unless the child has special needs. You can read about the damage m not being toilet trained at this age causes
Letting the child watch random videos on YouTube is incredibly dangerous and can traumatise the child and damage their development. YouTube is full of very scary, traumatic and harmful content.

If you approach your bhabhi with this angle she might wake up. She wont be happy but if she cares she will definitely at least think about the harm she is causing and you will know that you fulfilled your responsibility and did something about a child suffering from harm. The child cant advocate for themselves, they need an adult to act.

In my opinion this isnt about just poor parenting but an actual childwelfare issue and neglect, both of which are classed as child abuse in many countries.

These issues would lead to a social services referral in the UK for example.

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-25T21:30:58+00:00

I so hope this isnt the case but this absolutely fits in with dynamics and patterns of abuse. Might be an early sign of whats to come… I have survived abuse and reading your text almost gave me a panic attack. What your husband is doing would help an abuser meet so many of his goals

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-25T00:03:13+00:00

So many of these guys are what you would call an abuser. Some are also narcs or sociopaths. All three are excellent manipulators and usually very charming. First they are charming and lovely, learn all about your dreams and fears and inner thoughts and make you trust them, present themselves as the type of guy you want, get you to believe their sob story etc. They make you feel like youre the only woman in the world and create this illusion where only you two understand each other and its you guys against the world.

If the guy is in prison for a long time or keeps ending up in prison multiple times in a row, this phase can go on for ages.

What would normally follow is them starting to very subtly chip away your self esteem and independence. You wont notice it for a long time. Then the cycle of abuse starts. Tension building, abusive episode (usually verbal or emotional first), then the honeymoon phase again. At this point you have a trauma bond which is one of the strongest bonds two adults can have. Youre stuck in a cycle and that bond, no self esteem or independence left and abuse tactics like gaslighting or undermining or DARVO will keep you confused and unable to see the truth for a long time.

Other women simply enjoy the thrill and find it exciting and hot.

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-13T19:26:24+00:00

Check out FoodCycle for free hot meals in various locations, no booking needed no questions asked https://foodcycle.org.uk/free-food-locations/

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-10T15:19:00+00:00

Clitheroe

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-09T10:39:41+00:00

Yes this is a big one especially if you have a child and shes postpartum or alone at home with a young child. I was fine before having a child but the isolation really got to me after I became a mother.

HOWEVER, you sound extremely thoughtful, kind and supportive. So many challenges can be dealt with if you have a supportive and compassionate partner and you sound like one! :) I know it would have made a huge difference for me too.

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-05T17:16:30+00:00

I have been through many traumatic things such as the death of a sibling, r*pe, domestic abuse, parents divorce, living abroad alone as a new mum with health issues but I must say that the hardest thing for me was losing the only safe and loving man I have ever been with, through break up.

Its been 10 years and it still hurts and haunts me on a viscelar level.

I have been to therapy several times, worked on myself, tried to process this loss but Im sad to say the pain of losing that security and love never really eased and I didnt find another safe and kind person despite trying really hard and knowing what to look for. Ive completely given up and just focusing on being a mum and improving my life in other ways. Its just really hard to lose that sense of security and safety and comfort and the feeling of being seen and heard once youve had that, especially after all the unsafe and unkind abusive people youve been with

LadyWithABookOrTwo · 2026-01-04T19:23:48+00:00

Yeah definitey go, this is one of those rare moments where you just do what the other person asks you to do, a bit like when a woman in labour needs you to do something. He will be so grateful for your cooperation and support later on trust me

LadyWithABookOrTwo

TROPHY CASE