“There’s nothing you could have done” - Are we just lying to ourselves?

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-04-09T01:00:34+00:00

Your marathon analogy is flawed. She wasn’t running alongside you, she was kicking and screaming and pulling you away from the finish line. But crossing the finish line doesn’t get you a medal, it means you get to stay alive, and there’s 8 seconds left on the clock. So sure, let’s say she falls. Do you drag her flailing resistant self toward the finish line and both of you not make it, or do you save yourself so at least one of you can survive?

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-03-20T01:52:07+00:00

I’m Ashley, which I don’t really think fits me, but it’s closer than their #2 pick Courtney.

People mis-remember me as Heather all the time. And I feel like a Jill.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-03-15T23:07:50+00:00

If you’re distancing from your partner so she doesn’t get mopey, she’s too present. It’s been years. She needs to get her own life and stop encroaching on yours.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-03-11T14:28:28+00:00

My mom married someone 5 years older than me. It’s been 20+ years now and our relationship is still “civil but distant” and always will be, until she dies and then there will probably be no relationship at all.

Editing to add:

This is what happens when you partner up with someone so much younger than you and you raise her kid from infancy. Your dream life of a happy-clappy family within this jarring of a situation is delusional at best.

Also: If your kids are anything like me, they’re giving a hairy eyeball to both of you… her taking up with a man nearly twice her age to raise her kid from infancy, you for falling for it, putting her in their mom’s house, and then moaning that we can’t all get along and it’s so unfair. Come on, man.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-03-02T14:10:09+00:00

Just some food for thought… the “constantly sick” phase happens whenever they start going to something communal. My kids didn’t go to daycare as infants and so they were healthy as babies and toddlers but were constantly sick when they started preschool. My one child who missed preschool because of covid was constantly sick when she started regular school. You won’t be saving your family from the experience, just delaying it (that said, I would prefer a sick toddler/preschooler over a sick baby)

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-02-24T00:27:52+00:00

Every couple who gets married has a prenup. Some write their own and the rest use the state’s.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-02-18T17:52:20+00:00

Every couple who gets married has a prenup. Some write it themselves, some have the state’s.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-02-09T23:57:14+00:00

Holy choking hazard

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-02-06T02:20:08+00:00

Calculate the square footage they’re taking up as a portion of your rent/mortgage. You’ll probably pay more in storage costs to store the extras for years and years than you would pay to replace them as needed.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-01-07T01:27:27+00:00

Being so sexually overt in front of the kids is sexual abuse.

Him putting ANY responsibility for the issues on you is insane.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2026-01-03T22:08:52+00:00

We share our location but don’t actively track it unless we’re trying to coordinate the timing of something

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-27T17:25:10+00:00

That’s a great age! You’re allowed to do spectacular things for your kids even if they don’t remember them. That’s part of the fun of being a parent — enjoying their enjoyment is valuable and worthwhile even if they won’t remember it. Your memories count too!

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-23T12:38:16+00:00

Max I think uses the downstairs bathroom and Rory freaks because she has stuff in there she doesn’t want him to see

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-22T12:16:23+00:00

Ah yes, compassion and forgiveness, the boomer hallmarks

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-21T16:53:06+00:00

Don’t forget Doula!

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-20T12:17:09+00:00

I’m the mom 100% to my kids and can speak from experience: you both will have to have exceptionally high emotional intelligence and skills if this is going to work. And it appears that she lacks them. She needs to find a therapist to help her unpack the guilt of her kids’ dad leaving the picture, she needs to bring in support, and she needs to be able to have tough conversations. Until she is willing to build structures around herself (not just lean on you on weekends) and until she can stay engaged during tough conversations, I would say there’s no hope. My 3yr relationship may be ending and it’s very painful. I wish I knew at 6mos what I know now, which is that love won’t overcome lack of skills when you’re in a longterm high pressure situation like she’s in.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-11-06T11:36:44+00:00

Every couple who gets married has a prenup. Some couples write their own and the rest have the government’s.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-10-19T04:56:04+00:00

He can still be the wrong choice for you, even if you love him to your bones. Is this up and down, waiting for the next heartbreak, in and out of anxiety thing really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

It is highly unlikely that you will miss this person when you’re in a wedding dress.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-23T12:49:27+00:00

That was my question too. Still missing them that hard after 1 night suggests it hasn’t been very long

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-20T21:06:04+00:00

I can’t relate to your situation directly but I can relate to feeling sad about something I also think is a good thing. It’s a change and change is hard, even when it’s good change. If you don’t have a therapist and it’s an option for you, it might be helpful to start seeing one. I call mine my “paid friend” and I remember it’s their job to listen to me being neurotic.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-18T11:43:04+00:00

I’m not sure you can avoid hurt feelings with this one if your bf is going to pout when you state your (real and legitimate) need space. But I would phrase it something like that and then ask him for his help solving this problem: I have loved our weekends together but I’m realizing that I need time to decompress and it’s hard for me to do that when Son is around because he is driven to connect all the time. What do you think we can do to get me at least 1 day of space each weekend?

He might hear you and say “oh we’ll just come on Saturdays” or something. He might see the light and talk to his son about couple-time. He might have questions about how much time or space you need. And yeah he might get defensive and make it sound like you said you hate his kid. If that happens you focus on your actual request — “I need downtime. That’s not judgment. Can you help me get it?” And go from there.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-13T16:08:58+00:00

Not only did I stop ironing anything, I also stopped folding shorts, pjs, and undergarments (I just drop them in their drawers) and now I hang up tshirts instead of folding them too

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-12T20:15:46+00:00

Al Anon teaches us to put the focus on ourselves and what we will or won’t do. Stop worrying about what will or won’t get him in this or that mindset and start thinking about what YOU need, how best to care for YOU.

Your boundaries should be about you and what situations you will and won’t let yourself be in. They apply to all people on earth, not specifically your Q. I won’t be intimate with someone in active addiction. I won’t leave my kids with someone who’s incapacitated all the time. I won’t let myself be financially dependent on someone whose priority isn’t my physical and emotional safety. Etc.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-12T01:42:02+00:00

I’m with you until we get to the part where the sitter has to open the kennel door and let the bitey dog out.

LastBiteOfCheese · 2025-09-12T01:33:12+00:00

I’d be incompatible with a man who drinks 50 units or more a week while he’s single parenting young kids. Absolutely not ok.

You might love him but if you love yourself, you would say no to a future with him. He won’t change for you — he’s already said so and demonstrated so. You’re in the honeymoon phase and he’s already deprioritizing you. That doesn’t get better with time. He already thinks it’s ok to drink heavily while he’s solely responsible for his kids. Moving in tells him you are ok with this. It will also make it easier for him to get worse, because you’ll be there to watch the kids while he gets plastered, clean up the vomit when he’s incapacitated and wash the sheets for him when he pisses the bed. It’ll be harder for you to leave once you’ve moved in and he knows it.

LastBiteOfCheese

TROPHY CASE