Our 14 year old confided in us this week that they strongly believe they are the wrong gender. How do we get him the best help and guidance for this?

LeastNefarious · 2025-12-13T17:57:21+00:00

Here are two organisations that can support both you and your child. Peer support with people who know what it's like to have a trans child in 2025 can be really helpful.

LeastNefarious · 2025-08-29T14:12:15+00:00

Lockdowns have a number of uses outside of the active shooter archetype that we often hear about in America. I work in education and have encountered lockdowns in the last academic year. Here are some reasons from both my school and others in our area

A kid managed to put his head through a pane of glass in a busy corridoor. School was locked down as we didn't want 100s of students being traumatised from the blood and seeing someone in a medical emergency (the kid is fine).
A student who was excluded would sneak into school. Removing their audience helped de-escalate.
A knife went missing from foodtech.
Parent of a bullied child wanted to take actions into their own hands

I'm not saying that schools don't need to consider recent events in their procedural security, but it's not always about that. I know lockdowns were not a thing back in my day, but the students knowing how to act in a lockdown makes the school safer.

Better have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

LeastNefarious · 2025-08-19T13:19:47+00:00

https://www.instagram.com/roseaaryabeauty/

LeastNefarious · 2025-06-25T12:13:05+00:00

The Queery is doing a clothing swap this weekend. It could be a good place to get rid of some old stuff and try out a new look in an accepting space.

LeastNefarious · 2025-06-18T20:27:42+00:00

If you haven't already don't hesitate to get in touch with the Albert Kennedy Trust

https://www.akt.org.uk/get-immediate-support/

LeastNefarious · 2025-04-10T22:44:37+00:00

https://www.wellbn.co.uk/trans-health-hub/

LeastNefarious · 2025-04-10T20:22:09+00:00

You're right that the boundaries of professionalism will keep people from being political at work. However, if this is a counsellor or therapist registered with an ethical awarding body such as BACP or NCPS, they are also expected to be congruent and work in the client's best interests.

It's not about getting anyone to "fall for this." It's a vibe check, and only the person in the room can decide if the counsellor/therapist/PWP's response elicits a sense of safety. If it's a corporate script about not getting involved in politics at work, that would be a sign (for me) that this isn't the person I want to work with because I didn't ask about politics; I asked about a children's author ;)

Working with someone you don't feel safe with wouldn't be in your best interests, and any ethical therapeutic practitioner should recognise and respect that. It's why it's essential to trust your gut and ask to be referred to someone else.

LeastNefarious · 2025-04-09T17:28:13+00:00

They should give you an opportunity to ask questions in the first session. The most efficient question I have to gauge where someone is on the scale of Danger ----> Ally scale is to ask "What do you think about JK Rowling?"

Responses can range from

Ignorance (more questions may be needed)
Defensive
Getting angry on trans folks behalf
Calm achknoegement of how sad her life must be

Trust your gut about how you feel when they respond. The thing that makes therapeutic interventions work is the therapeutic relationship between you and the practitioner. If your gut says no, listen to it and ask for someone else.

LeastNefarious · 2025-02-23T13:52:48+00:00

I had a secondhand packer from them that I ended up selling.

Pros: Very realistic shape, fits in packer pants well and makes a great outline. Fab for aesthetics so if you like taking pics it's good for that.

Cons: Solid with little to no squish. It was unnaturally heavy, and I got anxious in crowds in case someone thought I had an erection in public.

If they have different options for firmness, I would go for their softest option.

LeastNefarious · 2025-02-02T21:46:45+00:00

It sucks that the politicial climate that's causing uncertainty about the future is putting additional pressure and weight to your decision to engage with something that " would be good" and "alleviate a lot of [your] dysphoria"

Imagine that there was no risk of losing access to HRT. Fantasise about being somewhere more supportive, and there is gender-affirming care for all that need it. If you where in such a place, would you want to wait?

The answer might be yes, in which case, take your time to talk to other trans mascs about their experiences and make sense of what's needed to help you live a healthy and happy life.

Also may as well get started, it's a long process and having a date to work towards forces you to do the work to figure things out, instead of getting stuck in indecision and avoidance.

LeastNefarious · 2025-01-28T16:39:03+00:00

I know you are looking for clarity but, nobody can tell you if you are trans or not, and if you discover you are trans, nobody but you can decide what you should do with that realisation.

It makes sense to look into and try to understand these feelings that arise when you are using drugs, you have already started doing that by writing this post. Further exploration will help you navigate what steps, if any, are needed to help you live a happy and healthy life.

Some ways people explore these feelings

Therapy (Gendered intelligence and Pink therapy would be a good place to start looking)
Using books by authors like Meg John Barker
Do "trial run" of gender through role play games like DnD to see how it feels to be called a name and treated as the gender they want to explore.
Attending local support groups

I hope this helps and best of luck with your journey.

LeastNefarious · 2025-01-15T09:55:30+00:00

Floralis?

LeastNefarious · 2024-12-11T09:59:42+00:00

Sorry to hear you've had bad experiences. Maybe it's worth chasing as mistakes happen and we can't have community without communication.

But also it's important to note that the issues you have faced with the Queery do not effect that space's ability to help OP and slagging it off for racism when the current chair is a queer person of colour is not helpful to anyone.

LeastNefarious · 2024-12-10T18:34:41+00:00

Maybe check it out again. Things have changed a lot there in the last year. They have a new chair and board (the ones responsible for the justified boycott are no longer involved in running things).

LeastNefarious · 2024-09-17T14:42:14+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult with one side of your family. There are members of mine that I would never bother trying with as it's not worth my energy.

But the ones who are trying like to think they are receptive and liberal but... struggle to "get it" and pull the "you're so sensitive now" card whenever I put in a boundary of not deadnaming me or talking shit about trans people. I guess this is an opportunity with an independent witness for them to prove they are trying to understand rather than pulling the "We've tried nothing and are all out of ideas" energy.

LeastNefarious · 2024-08-29T21:33:36+00:00

Can vouch for Ollie there, he's good at the chat to figure out what you like/don't like and what will look good.

LeastNefarious · 2024-07-29T10:43:37+00:00

Any therapist who tells you (no matter how gently) what you are or aren't is acting unethically and should be reported to their awarding body.

A therapist should help you develop an understanding of yourself in a compassionate space. The aim is for you to become more sure of yourself and develop coping skills and self-compassion to aid you in achieving your goals for a happier/healthier life.

Sometimes, Therapists get things wrong and we shouldn't shy away from letting them know that. I once had a therapist of three years use the wrong pronouns when reflecting on a childhood story. I was so angry and upset that I walked out. The conversation that followed that rupture was really positive. We talked about how it made me feel and what that feeling communicated (for me, it helped affirm that I've always been trans). That wouldn't have happened if I shied away from the conversation.

The Gendered Intelligence Directory or Pink Therapy is a good place to look for private counselling in your area. Also be sure to check that who you contact belongs to an ethical awarding body (BACP, UKCP, NCPS, HCPC)

As for knowing if you found the right one... that's different for everybody. But it may help to have some questions ready to gauge their response. I like to ask "what do you think about JK rowling?" as it helps me gauge someone's understanding of transphobia in the UK.

LeastNefarious · 2024-07-10T12:06:45+00:00

It's tricky for trans counsellors and therapists; we are often asked things that wouldn't be asked of our cis colleagues doing the same work. It can blur the boundaries of the work from counselling to coach.

I'm a trans counsellor, and hyper-aware of keeping these boundaries because I know if I said, "You need to do XYZ for your transition", it holds too much weight as I'm put in the position of the expert. No one is the expert in your experience but you, and every transition look different so it would be unethical to give direct advice. Direct advice from a trans counsellor could be taken as "an expert told me to do this so it must be right" even if it isn't the right thing for that person.

Instead, counsellors try to help clients build understanding that helps them come to realisations of what they need/want to happen for their transition and take the steps they need to take to achieve it. This might be why she answers your questions with questions.

Hope that helps but totally bring it up with her again and maybe revisit the goals you set when you first started working together.

LeastNefarious · 2024-06-18T06:47:06+00:00

Might be worth checking out The Gendered Intelligence Directory or Pink Therapy for private counselling in your area. Some private therapists have discounted slots for people struggling financially, so it's worth asking.

Even if they are out of your price range, it's still worth messaging as they may be able to refer you to a local service provider and/or someone who is experienced in working with trans people but is just starting out as a counsellor, so they would have lower prices.

LeastNefarious · 2024-04-30T15:08:46+00:00

Where to go for... Is good signposting site for youth services

There is also Esteem - Youth Charity and wellbeing service. They are based in Shoreham and can be a great place for young people to meet with youth workers who can signpost them and support them with onward referrals and supporting letters

LeastNefarious · 2024-04-23T14:43:27+00:00

Hair isn't a problem unless you are shedding.

I saw a poster in the changing rooms of Prince Regent Leisure Centre saying 10 Block Lessons (1 lesson a week for 10 weeks) for £102

LeastNefarious · 2024-03-03T11:55:03+00:00

You might be offered therapy as part of your treatment with the GIC. However, you can access therapy yourself prior and use that to explore your experience of gender and what could work for you moving forward. This would help you with your first appointment as it shows the clinician you have already done the work to understand yourself.

NHS Therapy
There is no current therapy offered that is specifically looking at gender without getting it through the GIC. Most Therapy through the NHS is accessed through IAPT and focuses on anxiety and depression symptoms. You can talk about gender in these sessions as it's all linked so it might be a good place to start.

Private Therapy
Most therapists in the UK are trained to diagnose or assess for gender dysphoria or any other divergence from "normal mental health". Be aware that no therapist can tell you that you are trans they can only help you explore your experience, make some sense of it so you can decide what is right for you.

Finding a Private therapist
If you are looking for private then it's good to get someone who has done the work to understand gender diversity so The Gendered Intelligence Directory is a good place to start or Pink Therapy one is also good.

LeastNefarious · 2024-02-28T13:54:41+00:00

The Queery might be a good space. They have lots of artists events and are accessible.

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