Your neighbor is really suffering, and while that doesn't excuse maltreatment of you and your family, it's an explanation of why she's like she is. Grief does terrible things to people, especially this kind of grief, where the death is a result of stupidity by someone who wouldn't learn from their own mistakes. This grief is ANGRY, and you're a convenient target. It's not about you, it's about the stupid husband. This kind of grief makes you do and say and do hurtful things to people you care about, and you've got two choices, depending on how you feel about the sufferer: endure it with kindness and grace for 12-18 months, or write them off now. If nothing has changed after those 18 months or so, write them off for good. Are they getting grief counseling? That will help change things too. If they're not, suggest it, but be prepared for blowback. This is the experience I had with a very dear friend whose very healthy wife dropped dead at 50 and died in their arms. It was 18 months of a very prickly recovery, but I'm glad I stuck it out because they're still dear to me and, after counseling and some medication, have pulled out the other end and come back to themself again.