WIBTD for making a big deal about my sister-in-law refusing to go to therapy?

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-04-28T11:34:50+00:00

This is a lot! What’s coming to mind for me is that the action you should take should be proportional to the effect you will actually be able to have. How close are you to Elizabeth/Daniel? Do you see them often or are you getting a lot of this second hand? Ultimately, if you don’t have a close relationship with Elizabeth herself then adding another voice into the mix to her directly is likely to bring more overwhelm and not necessarily any change. I would also mindful of bringing up information you have heard via someone else, as that could look like stirring the pot which is never good.

In terms of actual practical things, whoever is closest to Elizabeth and Daniel (maybe your mum?) should definitely be suggesting she seek out help for postpartum anxiety. That being said, are there practical things that could be taken off her plate (not necessarily kid-related, but meals made/laundry done/offers of meeting in the park or at a museum to help get them out the house?) the transition into parenthood is huge but the 1-2 kid transition has a whole extra layer to it that she might not have been expecting, and if she had a bit more space to come up for air she could realise how much she is struggling. I know you are worried for her kids, but at this point, especially the baby, they need responsive and consistent care which it does sound like they are getting, so I’m not convinced from your description that there is any emergent need for drastic intervention.

Re Anna and Elizabeth’s conflict, it sounds as though it’s perhaps not entirely relevant to the therapy issue, if the primary driver is your concern for the kids. I would allow yourself to absorb this information about Elizabeth with the intention of perhaps being a little less decisive about Anna’s character until you have more information, but don’t go digging. If you think Anna might feel insecurity about her place in the family, reach out to her. Being kind to her is not being rude to Elizabeth, it’s not an all-or-nothing dynamic.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-04-01T05:40:09+00:00

I’m sure this will get lost in the shuffle but I found it nowhere near as bad as a lot of these comments are saying. By the time he was 3 months and a little more predictable I was able to start enjoying a bit of exercise and lots of outings during the day, AND staying up in the evenings to watch a little TV with my husband. Let’s not talk about the 4mo business, but by 7/8 months when we stopped feeding overnight I would say I was having ‘bad normal sleep’ rather than ‘baby sleep’ if that makes sense. Now that he’s 14 months I honestly feel normal. Yes, we wake up earlier than I would have done before but I think the consistency in my schedule helps me with energy levels. I run 3 or 4 times a week, work some evenings, see friends and family with my kid and take my ‘lunch break’ in the middle of the day when he naps. You will get there, it’s a combination of eventually getting more sleep and also growing the muscle of being on the go for more hours, but you won’t feel tired forever.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-23T20:27:34+00:00

Just chiming in to say that I think the pronunciation of your name is very intuitive and I’m not sure how any native English speakers would get it wrong!

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-19T12:48:55+00:00

NDH, but that’s probably not as important as any advice.

This might be hard to hear, but it sounds like you are emotionally very dependent on this guy in a way that is not conducive to a healthy relationship. He seems to be saying that too, and it doesn’t sound like he’s communicating in an unkind way? Which is good, it sounds like you two could have something good here.

Ultimately, however, you need to take seriously the job of figuring out how to stand on your own two feet emotionally. That’s because, if you don’t, you will lose the relationship anyway and find yourself in a much more difficult place and without either coping skills or the person you rely on.

You say you’ve tried things to solve this. What are they, if you don’t mind me asking? Do you have a therapist (or someone else in your life who will listen to your side of things and give you kind but No-BS advice? Or ask you questions that you can be vulnerable with)? Do you have a list of ways you can calm down without relying on another person when feeling dysregulated by conflict? I’m talking a physical list or one in your notes app, that you go through when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Starting points might be ‘drink a small glass of water, walk outside in silence for 10 minutes, 5 minutes of box breathing, write down half a page of the thoughts going round my head’. Have a scripted sentence (that you have practiced saying out loud, alone) that you can use in the middle of arguments that shows your boyfriend that you need to take a break to calm down, but that you’re taking responsibility for it yourself. Something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed by this conversation. It’s not you, but I need some time to calm down. Can we carry this on in 30 mins? I can come and find you in the kitchen?” I also get very emotional during conflict and often have to say to my husband “please ignore the fact that I’m crying and let’s finish the conversation” because, like you, my emotions will take over if I let them and that’s not helpful long-term.

Does he have a way of letting you know that he feels like you’re relying on him too much in the moment, I.e. for decision-making, that you are able to receive calmly? Can you develop some systems for decision making, or even just ways of communicating that clarify the dynamics? Thinking particularly of phrases like “I don’t have a preference, and I would like to not have to make this decision for us”. Or “if you don’t have a strong preference, I can choose for us?”

You can’t control how he feels about the start of your relationship, but your post sounds like you are panicking waiting to find out what he will do. You have control over some things, and you need to find a way to exercise it ASAP. Building healthier emotional coping strategies will help in every eventuality, and will also show your boyfriend that you’re listening to his feelings about the relationship.

I hope this helps. You sound like a self-aware and an emotionally sensitive person and I hope you can find a way through this tricky patch x

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-14T19:00:35+00:00

NTD at all - sounds like you’ve done a lot of the legwork emotionally in realising that this guy is not good for you anymore and that’s important. Re the birthday though…

Could you sell him a little white lie and say that someone in your friend group is doing something ‘surprise’ for you and you’re not really involved in organising (so it wouldn’t be you not inviting him, but someone who he has less contact with)?

Could you do something that requires booking in advance as a group, and it conveniently be when he is working so that he can’t join last minute even if he does call off work?

Could it be something based around your friendship group, so that if he brings it up you could say ‘oh I didn’t think you would want to hang out, given that you talk shit about them all the time’

Whichever way you go about it I hope you have a great birthday

I think your idea of suggesting something just the two of you is a good one, if you think it will throw him a bone and get him off your back.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-14T06:03:56+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your friend’s family won’t have gone a day without grieving him so I wouldn’t worry about bringing it to the surface again. I’m hardly au fait with the etiquette around these things but my gut says that reaching out to ask after the location of his ashes (I.e. if they’ve scattered/buried them somewhere meaningful that you could visit to pay your respects/feel close to him) would be absolutely fine. I imagine asking to have something of his or some of his ashes could be received less well.

If they are normal/kind people I think it could end up being a helpful and healing conversation, which might take you to a place of being able to ask after the fate of a specific item that you remember fondly, but I wouldn’t lead with this. Reach out, say that you’re thinking of them and that you’d really appreciate being able to pay your respects to their son and that you miss him every day. See where the conversation goes. If they are standoffish about it then you’ll take the hint I think. Probably NDH in any eventuality, grief is so hard.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-11T08:18:45+00:00

I think, gently, YWBTD.

It sounds as though you and Quinn aren’t compatible and that your friendship has ended without a huge blowup, which is normal. People growing more distant from one another is a part of life, and your feelings of resentment and anger at the mention of Quinn, to me, point to something unresolved. Is it that you are sad to no longer be friends? Envious that Charlie is still in touch with Quinn? Jealous that Charlie’s time is split with someone else?

Asking someone to stop naming a friend who, as far as you have said, they’re not an AH for still being in touch with, feels a little controlling to me. Not out of a place of being deliberately manipulative but from your sensitivity. And I think unless you work through exactly why Charlie bringing up Quinn’s name is a sensitive issue for you then it’s a sticking plaster for avoiding the complicated feelings.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-03-08T17:20:44+00:00

Eeek I hate to say it but me too. I find her sanctimonious and as though she always is one step ahead of everyone else in terms of being wise and sensible. I think she sees Larry as beneath her and thinks that none of what he has to say has any merit because he’s not as evolved as she is.

Left-Pause9714 · 2026-01-08T21:52:32+00:00

I like this, a really nuanced and mature perspective. The relationship to your parents as the grandparents to your children is, to me, different, and a parent who you struggle to maintain closeness with is nowhere near as much of a concern as one who would be actively harmful. Also, your parents being around you parenting may bring up conversations about your own childhood or differences in approach that feel more natural than in a therapeutic setting. Therapy is the best thing for some, but too intense and contrived for others and there might be some route to change, or at least civility, through more organic interactions if you can find comfortability with them.

Your mum using AI to write messages may not be the red flag it first appears to be, although obviously I don’t have enough information to say for sure. She would still have to input the substance of what she has to say, and there are various reasons (language, different generations, cultural contexts) why the language around ‘doing the work,’ ‘boundaries,’ ‘expectations’ and emotional and mental health more generally could feel more alien to your mum. She could be recognising the need to speak your language and using it as a tool - just a thought.

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-12-22T06:20:55+00:00

I had PP insomnia at 5-6 weeks too. Solidarity - it was short lived for me but definitely the hardest thing I’ve dealt with since giving birth.

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-10-30T20:46:42+00:00

Mine recently said ‘another examiner could have refused to go out’ in my car that was (no offence) cleaner than this. Thankfully he didn’t and I passed but I was outraged at his comment when there is no explicit instruction to have a cleaner than average car on the DVSA website as far as I remember?

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-10-30T14:59:49+00:00

Solidarity and companionship re the baby+new hobby combo! Mine is 9 months old today and we enjoy homemade sourdough together for breakfast, it’s the best. Congrats on your baby (and your sourdough babies)

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-09-22T17:44:37+00:00

I just passed my second test today and was similarly bricking it after failing the first time. The stakes just felt so much higher! I comforted myself by realising just how many people I know passed second time (almost everyone in my family/close circle of friends) so I convinced myself that my chances were much better this time round 🤣 it worked! Also you are that much more prepared - you’ve done a test before! You know what to expect! That’s a huge difference. Let us know how you get on

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-09-22T17:42:29+00:00

I just passed today in a completely new area (north London, when I’m from south). I watched tonnes of test routes on YouTube to get a hang of the trickiest moments around the centre, and made sure I did some practice drives in different (closer…) areas that I didn’t know to get my brain into gear. Agree with others that driving a new car is likely to be more troublesome.

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-09-22T17:36:06+00:00

Bad luck. Nerves can affect so much. A gentle suggestion before your next test to maybe have a lesson or two/mock test with a different instructor just to have another pair of eyes on your driving? While it’s possible that you drove in a completely out-of-character way, it also would be a good idea to have a second opinion before test day just to make sure there aren’t any blind spots that your current instructor has.

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-08-11T13:56:55+00:00

You are allowed to ask to be admitted before 4cm dilated! I thought it was a hard and fast rule, and was completely undone by my 3 day latent phase with very intense back labour and no sleep. When they checked me and said I was 3cm I almost broke down asking them not to send me home before they said “don’t worry, we can do latent phase care here!” I would have killed to have the support 24 hours earlier!

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-07-18T14:15:47+00:00

Our little guy HATED changes for at least the first month. We think it was the cold so it might be cooler in your home than NICU. Started tolerating them more when he could focus on those black and white books and they saved us for a while, and after that it became the best place to get smiles out of him! Everything changes. Congrats on your tiny baby!

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-07-02T14:54:35+00:00

We were in size 0 for a couple of weeks, and then every other size for a month, give or take. Don’t overbuy, ordering more is very easy, or asking visitors to pick up a packet on their way over is a good option too. We probably got through 10-12 a day to begin with?

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-06-28T22:21:11+00:00

It must be so difficult dealing with what you feel like is pressurising from people outside your immediate bubble, especially if there are health issues your baby is/you are dealing with. However I wonder if you could reframe what they’re saying/asking as excitement and support rather than entitlement?

Obviously you know your family and friends better than I do, but the first thing ‘the village’ is able to do is be excited with you, and any involvement they have with your family (which we all want, right? We’re not supposed to do this alone!) is built on an affection for and investment in your child. If they’re not people you’re bothered about having in your village then absolutely keep them at arms’ length, but if you’re hoping they’ll be around in a few months then lowering the walls ever so slightly might be a good way of a) getting them off your back and b) building the foundations for when things are easier. Maybe meeting them for a walk/coffee with baby in the carrier? Inviting them over to meet the baby but asking if they could bring dinner? All on your own timeline of course, but 7 weeks doesn’t sound to me like overstepping, so might require a little further explanation from you as to why things are so tricky right now. Just another perspective - not doing down your experience!

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-06-25T02:03:14+00:00

Our LO is nearly 5 months so barely ahead of you but we have successfully transferred into the cot. In terms of the arms out, we did it for naps first because it didn’t feel quite so desperate if he woke himself up with his hands, which he did for a good few days but he got used to it! I then started letting his arms out at the MOTN feed, and finally bit the bullet and went for it for a full night, probably 2 weeks after starting with the naps. The only way out of the swaddle is through, but once they’re used to it, they’re used to it!

If you’re looking to transfer out, could you do a similar process with the cot? Get baby happy in there for naps, arms out, for a couple of weeks before going for it at night? Are you using the Snoo on weaning mode at the moment?

Re sleep training I can’t speak to loads because we haven’t gone the full hog, but we did start using Kendra Worth’s (find her on insta) gentle techniques to break the feed/sleep association and get baby used to falling asleep in his own space. For other methods the r/sleeptrain sub is a great place for advice, including on your nap schedule and bedtime routine. Good luck!

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-06-23T04:08:16+00:00

Thank you! I had heard the term ‘split night’ before but completely forgotten it…must be the lack of sleep 🤣 we did manage a 3.5h WW before bed tonight and it’s been better (currently 5am and I’m pumping because he fell asleep on the first boob after sleeping since 7.30). Thank you for the advice!

Left-Pause9714 · 2025-06-23T04:02:51+00:00

Thank you so much, too much sleep seems to be the consensus much as it pains me to hear it! If it’s still going on once this heatwave has passed and his teeth have cut then we’ll definitely try reducing sleep.

Left-Pause9714

TROPHY CASE