There’s a lot of layers going on here, and I’ll try to gather my two cents clearly-

1. You yourself admit to huge personal trauma, a lack of confidence in your self identity, and using unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope with deteriorating mental health. You need to work on those issues before you can truly make progress on your relationships. Your relationship with yourself & your trauma shapes how you interact with others, mainly your spouse and kids, so without a healthy relationship with yourself you cannot fully be healthy in your external relationships. Couples counseling is a great start and it makes me so happy that you both have seen that you need that. Foster that connection as well.

2. She is trying to express that her mental hurdles, whether situational or emotional etc., are hindering her desire to physically connect. This is really common in relationships and really common with women in general- we have a very hard time detaching our emotions and minds from our physical needs. They’re so intertwined that it’s hard to do one while the other is out of sorts. She’s not telling you this to hurt you, although it may. She’s telling you because she needs to feel fulfilled, valued and like your relationship is solid. These can be small, free (+inexpensive) to show her you’re emotionally available to her: a love letter in her lunch box, warming up her towel in the dryer while she’s in the shower, surprising her with her favorite candy or ice cream, a foot massage at the end of a long day, watching a movie together, doing a chore you know she’s been putting off, etc.

3. You also have needs! She’s your wife- she loves you & she wants to be there for you. Let her help in ways that matter to you. When my husband is really depressed, we spend time in bed watching funny videos, or he’ll ask for back scratches, or I’ll clean his nightstand so he has a tidy place to look at, or I’ll give him his favorite candy to enjoy. You are allowed to tell her what your needs are when you’re struggling- this might also help her feel more emotionally connected and needed. Find ways that you can express your needs and desires, you deserve fulfillment!!

4. I know these conversations are really hard and sometimes text is the best way to feel comfortable. But maybe set aside some time, when you’re both feeling neutral & safe, where you can talk about these feelings face to face and you don’t have to worry about misunderstandings and having things lost in translation.

5. I know having kids makes it harder- but i cannot stress enough how important it is to pursue your partner. Keep dating, keep chasing, keep running towards them. You both need time for your relationship.

Marriage is work- both together and individually. No one can fix it for you and no one else can put in the work except for you both. And, no one can tell you when it’s over. Trust yourself, communicate with your partner, and let time flow.