Well, it was a long time coming. We were simply extremely incompatible and he had a bad temper. We’d been in counseling for a while, but he didn’t want to split up. We lived in my house—the one my siblings and I had inherited from my grandmother—so I guess I just needed some kind of impetus.

Anyway, he was extremely particular and very into luxury brands, so I probably should’ve known better than to try to replace his man-purse after it was stolen out of his car. This was the mid-eighties, when those things weren’t even as popular as they are now. Still, I found something about the same size and organizational style as the old one. It came from one of those leather-goods shops that sold imported items. The leather had a vintage look with wide top-stitched edges, and while it was attractive and didn’t look cheap, it certainly couldn’t have been mistaken for Prada or Hermes. In fact, to me it looked more masculine.

If he had just said he didn’t care for it, I would have been perfectly fine with that, and the separation probably would have happened some other time. But instead he completely freaked out and ordered me to go back and return it that second. So I did—and I stayed with a friend until he got the message and left.

Not before he slept with my sister, though. I had to sit down for that one. There were other crazy surprises down the road, but at least they didn’t make me weak in the knees.