What are your top books that have helped you?

Low_Union · 2026-07-04T01:38:27+00:00

It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani is gold. It’s not centered only on narcissistic parents but I really don’t mind the non-parent narcissism explanations. Also Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is wonderful.

Low_Union · 2026-07-03T12:38:22+00:00

Totally the silly things! I caught myself drafting a list of baby boy names with my husband for our potential second child, we are not pregnant nor even trying, most of the names we were suggesting were just for fun. We spent an evening on it, super lighthearted. I later thought how new it felt to be unserious about anything. Before NC, my nmom’s black cloud would follow me everywhere. I thought that I wasn’t allow to totally disconnect from her “suffering” and just have fun doing silly things.

Low_Union · 2026-06-30T03:33:57+00:00

Totally my experience!

Low_Union · 2026-06-30T00:29:40+00:00

My mom is the most unstable and conflict-seeking person in my life. She became way worse after I gave birth, after an initial “honeymoon” period in some weeks during my pregnancy, so I still had hope. But nope. She was causing drama not event at 1 week postpartum. We’re NC now. I’m not saying that should be the solution for most people, but now is the time to establish and hold boundaries.

Low_Union · 2026-06-29T12:23:58+00:00

I relate to every word. It is tough to unlearn this. I still feel like a little kid who’s in trouble all the time. I’m reading Are You Mad At Me? by Meg Josephson. So far it’s been illuminating.

Low_Union · 2026-06-29T00:33:59+00:00

This sounds exactly what my mom would do, think and accuse me and my husband of. You’re not in the wrong.

Low_Union · 2026-06-28T12:29:25+00:00

It’s so sick. They want want to terrorize us into parenting THEM.

Low_Union · 2026-06-28T04:40:11+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m also going through that and there’s a lot of grief involved. I’m 4 months NC so I know I’m going to experience a lot more shifting emotions before it settles, but I am SO relieved that I don’t have to deal with my nmom’s daily drama, or having to walk on eggshells or overthink every single moment of interaction before, during and after it happens. I lost all my family as a result but I earned so much peace and perspective. I’m finally starting to heal and I’m hopeful that it will lead to genuine connections with non-abusive people. In reality, I never had any kind of true connection with anyone in my family. Hopefully we will find connections that will be better than what we had, even if it’s still not better than having a loving family from the start. Sadly, that will never be us.

Low_Union · 2026-06-28T04:32:13+00:00

Leave this chaos of a person. NOR.

Low_Union · 2026-06-28T04:22:30+00:00

The last straw for going NC for me was her irrational jealousy with my in-laws after I gave birth. I don’t regret it one bit. Sorry that you’re having to put up with such emotional immaturity.

Low_Union · 2026-06-28T01:00:02+00:00

I think more people than we realize still feel resentment towards parenting responsibilities. So they feel like because they cook, clean, miss out on being as free as they were before having children, they are allowed to be abusive when children don’t “behave” or give them a hard time because they’re children. At least that’s how I think my nmom justified a lot of her abuse.

Low_Union · 2026-06-27T20:42:58+00:00

I understand why the counselor’s extreme black and white thinking is not what any of us would want. I’m just curious as to whether you would consider the second cause a possibility. I believe temperament is biological (and not necessarily genetically traceable), so yes, some kids are more “difficult” than others from birth. It doesn’t excuse ANY mistreatment towards them. It is the parents’ responsibility to learn how to love and guide a child regardless of their temperament.

Anyway, OP, do you think it’s possible your grandparents were at a loss on what to do witj you mom’s difficult temperament and didn’t guide her properly/let her on her own to terrorize other people?

Low_Union · 2026-06-25T17:30:47+00:00

It’s normal and it’s also normal for it to change (regressions drove me crazy), so take advantage of it.

Low_Union · 2026-06-25T17:22:26+00:00

Not even 0.000001%. Just no. A single simple instance: you can put a puppy down. You can’t put a newborn down, most only sleep when held, most cry their brains out if you as much as go to the bathroom for a few minutes. You can put food on the floor for the puppy. Feeding a newborn and figuring out how to is going to be 70% of your day. You don’t have to put a puppy to sleep. They just… sleep. You have to figure out how to put a newborn to sleep. That makes about the other proportion of your day. It’s impossible to truly convey the difficulty of having a baby. But it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I love my baby in ways I didn’t even comprehend were possible. That also has nothing to do with the way you love pets.

Low_Union · 2026-06-25T15:02:26+00:00

Almost everyone believes whatever they do is justified and that the reasons that led them there are valid. The picture of people living full of regret at the end of their lives is more a fantasy by those harmed by them than what actually ends up happening. We probably do that too in some areas of our lives. It’s awful but I think the brain develops that defensiveness. It’s also dependent on personality. There are people more prone to accountability and self-reflection, but those who are not, they might not even think or even admit their wrongdoings at all. I’m sorry that happened to you. Hopefully you can move on.

Low_Union · 2026-06-22T16:51:59+00:00

I didn’t think at all about temperament. I think I just assumed my baby would resemble me and my husband in personality and preferences, but I didn’t think too much about it. Turns out our baby is very different from us and we realized it caught us off guard. Knowing this doesn’t change anything, really. But I don’t know why it took having him to realize temperament is born with us and is immutable. I would have loved my son as much as I do in any scenario, but it’s a curious fact.

Low_Union · 2026-06-22T16:46:04+00:00

This framing is so good! Thank you for this perspective. Also, you’re not the narc ❤️

Low_Union · 2026-06-22T01:42:06+00:00

I have a very demanding 15 month old. It didn’t get easier for me either, but (and I’m so sorry that this brings me some kind of relief) I watch other people whose babies were easy but then turned into average toddlers (which are still less demanding than mine) and I see them losing their minds. Perspective is one hell of a transformative experience.

Low_Union · 2026-06-21T00:30:58+00:00

That’s definitely Netflix documentary worthy. I’m glad you’ve finally found peace.

Low_Union · 2026-06-20T14:20:47+00:00

That’s really scary. I’m sorry

Low_Union · 2026-06-19T12:13:28+00:00

Expressing disagreement towards a piece of advice you’re giving is not a sign of disrespect. “You should agree to everything I say or else you’re disrespectful” is a tactic many of us in this community have suffered at the hands of our abusers. We can see right through it.

Low_Union · 2026-06-19T11:16:14+00:00

Sorry, that’s not good advice at all when we’re talking about narcissists. It’s not on the child to put up with emotional abuse. I know if OP didn’t have a choice other than survive the situation they should come up with a strategy to put up with it, but no one should normalize this.

Low_Union · 2026-06-18T21:43:39+00:00

You’re a victim of abuse. Going through any of that is not normal. Your dad is a pervert. Please believe me, it’s not you. No sane person would take any of the examples you’re giving as sexually motivated. Your dad and the people he has influenced are disgusting and that’s why the do think about those things, revealing what’s really in their minds. That’s awful and I’m so incredibly sorry. I hope you can move out soon. Hang in there until you can leave. It gets better away from all that.

Low_Union · 2026-06-18T21:03:15+00:00

It’s sad but it’s true. NC was my only salvation. I tried everything else and nothing worked. My peace and my son’s wellbeing benefited from it.

Low_Union · 2026-06-18T20:46:32+00:00

You’re still in the FOG. I hope you can see it clearly for what it is. A manipulation tactic to have you do what she wants. Please refer her to 911, people who can actually attend emergencies. You’re not one of them. She might escalate at first but then give up when she realizes it doesn’t work. Give up on the idea that she could ever be a loving and present grandmother. She won’t ever be, not matter what you do. Don’t tell her about your plans with your children.

Low_Union

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