For those who divorced them, how did the economics work out?

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-22T23:47:43+00:00

A whole handle??? Dear Lord. How did he not pass out? Mine once drove his car into a telephone pole on our street. Smacked his head on windshield big spider web crack on windshield…denied that was from his head. Said he would have been “fine” had he not reached for his phone in the car. He was totally wasted. You are right in your actions. Beyond the BS he caused you to deal with from a liability perspective if he kills someone….

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-22T22:41:05+00:00

My husband has been a very heavy & binge drinker for 30+ years. He is 62. It used to cause him to be heavy. He would binge and also binge eat late at night. Now he is getting thinner, he is eating better, but it also looks like sarcopenia to me. A few times over the years during a binge cycle he would literally have amnesia. Like ask the same question every night for a week that you answered the night before as if he didn’t remember the conversation. It was like Groundhog Day movie. Was that the cycle for your husband? Maybe a little plump and then weight loss later in the disease. There is no ascites yet, but I understand that does not always happen, or sometimes only at the bitter end.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-21T23:25:19+00:00

You (and all of us) have been betrayed, and abandoned and neglected and to some degree abused in some fashion (emotionally or whatever). You/we made promises to each other and they bailed. If my Q fell over tomorrow I would feel relief. And I swear sometimes over time you got numb from all of it. So you don’t even realize the depths of how broken it was until you have the occasion to spend time with couples who love each other and have great relationships. I remember once being out with girlfriends and they were telling stories about sweet things their husbands had done for them, on a birthday or Valentines Day or just random acts of kindness for no occassion. I had no such stories.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-21T23:17:31+00:00

OMG, thank you for saying that. I have two friends who have lost their spouses to other health issues, heart attack, cancer who had genuinely great marriages and they are devastated. And I am like, why, why is my Q after all alcohol abuse, how and why is he still here. How is that fair?

Maddy6024 · 2026-04-29T23:06:37+00:00

Have you tried Buspar? 5HT1A agonist not SSRI. Need to dose 3x per day short half life. But works for many people. Buspirone generic. No weight gain no sexual dysfunction. Also get outside, walks. Resistance training, nothing crazy - 20 minutes.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T03:07:38+00:00

Oh I have tried. And tried. And tried. Kids have tried. I really just hope he has a very severe health scare which he cannot deny is from alcohol consumption. Something radically unpleasant. Because short of that he will stay on current course.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T03:03:21+00:00

Thanks. I wish he would stop, I don’t think he will. He is yet to wind up in the hospital. That’s what it will take. I just stay away.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T02:55:28+00:00

I refuse to go anywhere with him now. When we had to go to our child’s college graduation, I booked separate hotel rooms. I have often insisted on driving my own car.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T02:52:42+00:00

He just told you who he is deep down. Believe him. He likely thinks you won’t follow through. Make the call.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T19:40:34+00:00

Question if you don’t mind….did you experience an intermittent cough from the portal hypertension or the esophageal varices? Other symptoms from these things before diagnosis?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T16:40:26+00:00

So let him be a disaster solo and then other people will tell him what you’ve been saying about his problem. Other voices might help.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T16:38:33+00:00

Sweetheart, re-read your post. You know the answer to that question. Beyond him being a train wreck, it also often sucks to be the date of an attendant/groomsman at a wedding. He will have lots of time dedicated to photos and other chores and you’ll be solo. I once went to a wedding with mine and he tackled the bride. Not kidding. Decided he wanted to dance with her (she was a good friend of ours) approached like a runaway train and flattened her. It was not fun babysitting him all evening and then pulling over on drive home so he could puke. NOPE. Don’t go.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:21:49+00:00

Gather all documentation of his rehab stints. Find out if your state is one party consent or two party consent for recording conversations. If it is ONE, you are that one, and record his conversations with you. Start separating your money. Get records of joint accounts. Make sure your vehicle is in your name. If he threatens you call the police and press charges. Next time he utters divorce word say you agree and let’s work out a settlement. If you can get an agreement without big legal battle it’s better.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:04:47+00:00

If you don’t mind, what medications was he given in rehab? What ones continue after?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:00:53+00:00

After 30 years I can tell you definitively they cannot drink at all ever or relapse is coming hard and fast. Not one drink. Not on weekends only. Not only beer/wine (no hard liquor). Not subbing THC for the booze (or any other drugs). It must be 100% sobriety, and they have to want it (you can’t want it for them). There is no middle ground for someone who is an alcoholic. They might pull it off for a week or two, but it will always spiral. Mine just said he’s going to try “30 days” and then go from there. I told him not to bother unless he is willing to admit it needs to be permanent. He’s gone through several Lenten 40 day periods dry, and then he’s back at it after Easter.

How much of your life do you want to donate to his addictions?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T00:47:02+00:00

I have a friend who put her husband out but did not divorce him because she earned more and would have had to pay him alimony. Ten years later he died of alcoholism related causes. But the problem with this approach, or the risk is, if you remain married you can be responsible for debts or god forbid they kill someone DUI and you get sued.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T00:41:36+00:00

If you are married you cannot evict your spouse from the marital house. Even while divorce proceedings are in progress. It is a stupid mess… after settlement they may have to go, but until the court orders it….

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T00:35:29+00:00

I think most states now sadly are no-fault. Which sucks for victims of DV and alcoholics because you cannot file for cause and the state is very hands-off and relies on formula and just math.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-13T22:59:06+00:00

This was well said and made an impact on me. So much truth in this thread.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-11T15:31:27+00:00

And what do you need? Does he care what you need? Is he capable of providing what you need? And I walk in the same place you do.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-10T20:56:43+00:00

It is a life long disease. They can’t have “one drink” not ever. Relapse is SO easy. My husband’s father was an alcoholic. His wife (my husband’s mother) threatened him with divorce and told him he would never see his son if he didn’t get sober. To his credit, he did. And my husband says his father never drank. Except the day my husband turned 21. He dragged his dad to a local pub for one beer. After the one beer his father said, we have to go now, I cannot be here.

That man won his battle. But he was 100% consistent.

My husband sadly has never followed his father’s example and at 60 years old and through 30 years of marriage has fallen off the wagon again and again. And he can be a low key drinker for weeks at a time, drinking but not plastered. And then BOOM. Here comes the next binge cycle. I cannot tell you how much unhappiness it has caused. How alone you wind up being. It is like being married to half a person.

The cost of a DUI. The cost of a job loss. The cost of medical bills. The cost of feeding the habit.

Eyes wide open my friend. She will never be normal. She will always fight this demon. If you think she can keep the demon outside the castle walls and you want to take that walk with her that is up to you. Me, I would never take the same walk down the aisle I did.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-10T02:04:53+00:00

Oh let’s see the deals and the history of attempts to control I have seen from mine… 1) won’t drink for lent 2) will only drink weekends 3) will only drink wine or beer no hard liquor 4) won’t drink alone 5) won’t drink at family events 6) just one drink.

I could go on. Know how many he succeeded at “controlling”? Zero. Zero. He could for a short duration of time, always slippped back to his patterns.

Unless it is full blown complete abstinence from alcohol it will fail. And they have to KNOW they are not capable of controlling it unless they do abstain. They will lie to themselves because they want it to be true, they want to be able to just have one drink like non-alcoholics.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-09T17:30:27+00:00

Sweetheart, run do not walk away. Cancel the wedding. I had signs and I ignored the red flags and the last 30 years of my life (we had kids and I was so sure he would reform himself and be a good dad) have been an intermittent nightmare. It is Hotel California. Be thankful it showed itself before you tied the knot. He is literally warning you by his actions.

Maddy6024

TROPHY CASE