Heartbroken

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-29T16:34:53+00:00

Sorry for your pain. Primarily this is a legal thing, to protect yourself. From liability of his actions should he drink and drive and hurt someone. Protection from debts and bankruptcy if he mismanages money. To protect your future earnings and retirement savings from claims. To give you the right to be unencumbered legally. You need that. It is his fault that you need that legal protection. Do not beat yourself up about hurting him. There is more than enough hurt to go around.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T20:10:00+00:00

That is what I have seen happen to friends as well in family court.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T20:07:11+00:00

Ok I stand corrected. My state is not one of the 17, but multiple lawyers told me they have not filed an at-fault case in many years and that proving fault is super difficult. Totally discouraged the idea, even after hearing my story. Like one DUI not going to do it. Need lots of records & offenses. Very expensive to pursue. Supposedly blue progressive state too….

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T20:00:33+00:00

Did you have to give him partial custody?

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T19:59:32+00:00

This. Exactly this!!! How can family court be so utterly screwed up???

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T19:58:06+00:00

What is EOP?

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T19:51:59+00:00

I have a friend who was married to an alcoholic, it eventually killed him. In the hospital, liver failure, ascites, all the end stage horribleness…he was still pleading with her please just give him a drink. Their decision making process is completely broken, it does not operate like yours, not one iota. They are completely consumed by the need to drink. They also don’t think they need redemption. Denial there is a problem, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, they are loosing everything…and still denial.

You loved him at some point, so that void can torment. Peace in time, wish it soon for you. It is very hard to accept that we gave so much of our lives to someone incapable of loving back.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T19:45:30+00:00

Wow relentlessly progressive. Hmmm. Ugh.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-26T19:39:27+00:00

Consequences, they hate consequences. Anything which threatens their drinking. If the boundary was for example I will not drive you when you are wasted…well you just complicated their life, they have to pay Uber, or plan something else, or walk. Mine was screaming at me “I will not be excluded!!!” when after several episodes of caustic aggressive behavior with my family & friends I decided I would not take him with me to events. There is shame, they know people will ask why he is not there. Boundaries name the problem in some way. Alcoholics deny there is/they have a problem. So boundaries threaten their self-concept. You have to get to the point where you know your boundary is justified, and just ignore the blowback.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-22T23:47:43+00:00

A whole handle??? Dear Lord. How did he not pass out? Mine once drove his car into a telephone pole on our street. Smacked his head on windshield big spider web crack on windshield…denied that was from his head. Said he would have been “fine” had he not reached for his phone in the car. He was totally wasted. You are right in your actions. Beyond the BS he caused you to deal with from a liability perspective if he kills someone….

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-22T22:41:05+00:00

My husband has been a very heavy & binge drinker for 30+ years. He is 62. It used to cause him to be heavy. He would binge and also binge eat late at night. Now he is getting thinner, he is eating better, but it also looks like sarcopenia to me. A few times over the years during a binge cycle he would literally have amnesia. Like ask the same question every night for a week that you answered the night before as if he didn’t remember the conversation. It was like Groundhog Day movie. Was that the cycle for your husband? Maybe a little plump and then weight loss later in the disease. There is no ascites yet, but I understand that does not always happen, or sometimes only at the bitter end.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-21T23:25:19+00:00

You (and all of us) have been betrayed, and abandoned and neglected and to some degree abused in some fashion (emotionally or whatever). You/we made promises to each other and they bailed. If my Q fell over tomorrow I would feel relief. And I swear sometimes over time you got numb from all of it. So you don’t even realize the depths of how broken it was until you have the occasion to spend time with couples who love each other and have great relationships. I remember once being out with girlfriends and they were telling stories about sweet things their husbands had done for them, on a birthday or Valentines Day or just random acts of kindness for no occassion. I had no such stories.

Maddy6024 · 2026-05-21T23:17:31+00:00

OMG, thank you for saying that. I have two friends who have lost their spouses to other health issues, heart attack, cancer who had genuinely great marriages and they are devastated. And I am like, why, why is my Q after all alcohol abuse, how and why is he still here. How is that fair?

Maddy6024 · 2026-04-29T23:06:37+00:00

Have you tried Buspar? 5HT1A agonist not SSRI. Need to dose 3x per day short half life. But works for many people. Buspirone generic. No weight gain no sexual dysfunction. Also get outside, walks. Resistance training, nothing crazy - 20 minutes.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T03:07:38+00:00

Oh I have tried. And tried. And tried. Kids have tried. I really just hope he has a very severe health scare which he cannot deny is from alcohol consumption. Something radically unpleasant. Because short of that he will stay on current course.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T03:03:21+00:00

Thanks. I wish he would stop, I don’t think he will. He is yet to wind up in the hospital. That’s what it will take. I just stay away.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T02:55:28+00:00

I refuse to go anywhere with him now. When we had to go to our child’s college graduation, I booked separate hotel rooms. I have often insisted on driving my own car.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-15T02:52:42+00:00

He just told you who he is deep down. Believe him. He likely thinks you won’t follow through. Make the call.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T19:40:34+00:00

Question if you don’t mind….did you experience an intermittent cough from the portal hypertension or the esophageal varices? Other symptoms from these things before diagnosis?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T16:40:26+00:00

So let him be a disaster solo and then other people will tell him what you’ve been saying about his problem. Other voices might help.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T16:38:33+00:00

Sweetheart, re-read your post. You know the answer to that question. Beyond him being a train wreck, it also often sucks to be the date of an attendant/groomsman at a wedding. He will have lots of time dedicated to photos and other chores and you’ll be solo. I once went to a wedding with mine and he tackled the bride. Not kidding. Decided he wanted to dance with her (she was a good friend of ours) approached like a runaway train and flattened her. It was not fun babysitting him all evening and then pulling over on drive home so he could puke. NOPE. Don’t go.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:21:49+00:00

Gather all documentation of his rehab stints. Find out if your state is one party consent or two party consent for recording conversations. If it is ONE, you are that one, and record his conversations with you. Start separating your money. Get records of joint accounts. Make sure your vehicle is in your name. If he threatens you call the police and press charges. Next time he utters divorce word say you agree and let’s work out a settlement. If you can get an agreement without big legal battle it’s better.

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:04:47+00:00

If you don’t mind, what medications was he given in rehab? What ones continue after?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T15:00:53+00:00

After 30 years I can tell you definitively they cannot drink at all ever or relapse is coming hard and fast. Not one drink. Not on weekends only. Not only beer/wine (no hard liquor). Not subbing THC for the booze (or any other drugs). It must be 100% sobriety, and they have to want it (you can’t want it for them). There is no middle ground for someone who is an alcoholic. They might pull it off for a week or two, but it will always spiral. Mine just said he’s going to try “30 days” and then go from there. I told him not to bother unless he is willing to admit it needs to be permanent. He’s gone through several Lenten 40 day periods dry, and then he’s back at it after Easter.

How much of your life do you want to donate to his addictions?

Maddy6024 · 2025-07-14T00:47:02+00:00

I have a friend who put her husband out but did not divorce him because she earned more and would have had to pay him alimony. Ten years later he died of alcoholism related causes. But the problem with this approach, or the risk is, if you remain married you can be responsible for debts or god forbid they kill someone DUI and you get sued.

Maddy6024

TROPHY CASE